The Hardcore Effect

Shooting people - Cost effective?

2010-01-27T16:57:00.001Z

I was a little stuck on what to write about today, so I asked for a bit of help from my Facebook friends. Benji Hardcore came up with an interesting topic, his words were; ‘Why don’t you do an in-depth report on how it is more cost-effective to beat people to death rather than shoot them’. He then added; ‘Use it or I will’. So I thought ’screw you Ben-der Hardcore, it’s my topic now’.

I don’t really know how ‘in-depth’ I can get on this particular subject but I’ll have a bash.
To be fair, I have never owned a gun, nor have I ever shot anyone. I have been informed by my local dodgy dealer that I could get a gun from Manchester for about £150. It would probably be a modified replica but no doubt it would be good enough to ‘pop a cap in yo’ ass’. However, I would then have to buy ammunition for it. Ammo is pretty expensive I’ve heard.

So say I’m just out to get one person, it’s going to cost me like £200 to get the job done… quite expensive really.

If, on the other hand, I decided instead to just jump the cunt on his/her (I don’t discriminate when it comes to beating people) way home from the kebab shop on a Friday night, I could do that shit for free. The only problem is that I then have to clean up, I mean, there’s going to be bits of face on my hands and clothes, which means I have to work out how to use the washing machine. I guess I could get my Mum to do it though…

Anyway, to me, free definitely sounds better than £200. So in this case I would have to say that shooting would not be cost effective. Win for ‘just beating people’.

Does this translate to the military?

Hmmm… Now, our military is pretty big and they don’t use dodgy guns bought from ‘Big Dave’ who lives in Manchester, they are packing the real shit. I mean there must be millions of pounds worth of guns within the British Armed Forces. Although, it would be rather a lot harder to ‘just beat’ someone who is packing an RPG or who is strapped with plastic explosives. So paying for the guns is probably worth it. Win for ’shooting people’.

If however both parties involved in the fighting agreed to ‘just beat each other’ everything would be better. It would be a totally fair fight, and also a lot cheaper for everyone. No need for guns, tanks or armour. Everyone could just meet up on a neutral piece of ground and have a massive fight. Not only would it save both Nations money, it would also be truly awesome. I would pay to watch that. ESPN could PPV that shit. Win for ‘beating people’.

So there we go. In summary; just beat people. Unless they are packing heat, in which case ‘bust a cap in them yo’.

This is a re-post from my new blog http://acynicsviewoftheworld.wordpress.com/ <--- Check that shit out. Seriously.

Celebrity Deaths - We have a winner

2010-01-05T14:13:00.002Z

Naturally, first up is the bit where we wish all our readers a very happy new year.. and all that.

Next though, it seems Adam is 2009's Celebrity Death Predictions winner. So, very well done indeed, you cheating bastard.

So, for our first post of the year there is good and bad news. As you can tell, things have been winding down here, because the written blog will be ending soon and will simply remain here as a shrine to our genius. The other news is that we shall live on via the medium of video/internet TV!

This is still being worked out, but expect us on your screens in the Spring.

Note, how I didnt specify which was the good or bad news? I'll leave that up to you.

I'm here, again . . .

2009-10-24T23:44:00.002+01:00

Why hello there, lads and ladies.

Fully aware that I rarely post, and that to be honest few people give a shit either way, I'm slightly dubious about inflicting my own uneducated views of the World around us upon you. But seeing as how I have this medium to do so, (cheers for that one Ben, my old mucker), I'm going to do so regardless.

Firstly, I have become an avid X Factor pervert. I initially began watching it religiously last year, as a way to keep my Missus on her toes, as it gave me the perfect excuse to letch at the rather delectable Miss Tweedy (Cole, my arse).
That said, only this year have I started to really appreciate what some people on this programme have to offer.
As far as I am concerned, that Essex bird Stacey Solomon is the proverbial mutt's nuts. Her rendition of Coldplay's "The Scientist" is without a doubt one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard performed. It is not like to me to speak in such terms, just ask any of my entourage, but if that was released as a single it would storm the charts. Absolutely amazing.

There are certain events happening in circles closer to my own heart, or at least closer to my own profession, in the media. I refrain from commenting, partially throuigh fear of reprisals, but mostly because this is not really an appropriate forum.

Recently I have simply been getting on with life, which is hardly worth a mention here.

However, what is certainly worth a mention is the fact that it seems I attract nicknames like a tramp on the streets of Blackpool attracts the attentive conversation of Ben and myself, particularly when suited and booted, and bored whilst waiting for out turn in a cash point queue.

To date I have attracted a series of nicknames in my unit. Rather than be known by my usual tag of Sheepay, a pseudonym that my significantly embarassed better-half is still attempting to get to grips with, I seem to gain prefixes relative to whatever depraved act I have recently been documented as committing.

I arrived at my unit in the company of a good friend, also known as Dan. It was decided early on that two young men named Dan must be referred to as "The Two Dans," a collective term that still rears its ugly head from time to time.
And so, Dan 1 and Dan 2 were given due designation. I began this term as Dan 1.

A few weeks into this post I was given the task of laying a makeshift (read: highly illegal, unauthorised and cowboy effort) telephone line so my boss could take all those important calls. This involved tapping into an existing line, routing it through to his office.

To ensure everything was as tidy as possible I taped the line along walls to keep it away from prying fingers. If there is one universal truth then it is that ANYTHING can and will be destroyed by a bored squaddie, so everything and anything is kept as far from them as possible until needed. Bloody louts.

This particular taping tasking required me to be on hands and knees, a position which became the centre of firstly ridicule -

"Fnar Fnar, polish my knob while you're down there, Dan 1."

and slowly led into physical abuse, with every single comedian putting the boot in. As the new lad, and extremely junior, it was par for the course. Until, of course, it was par no more.

After being subjected to a dozen or so physical attacks I began to lose my almost infinite temper. One poor lad, Steve, was to be the recipient of a retaliatory effort not quite comparable to the storming of Normandy, but monumental nonetheless.

Having watched everyone else walk past and give me a nudge, and having watched me roll arse-over-tit in a hilarious fashion once more, Steve decided it was his turn.
My apoplectic rage manifested itself in the form of pure aggression, which was a surprise no less for me than for he.

Turning swiftly, I avoided his ill-timed kick, shot upwards, grabbed the nearest object and swung for his head.
I'd picked up the desk in-tray, and the ancient, brittle plastic shattered into a hundred pieces over his skull. The tray was not heavy and he was unhurt, but shocked beyond measure. He could not have looked more shocked had I slapped him across the face with an erection.
The surreal nature of the attack proved too much for Steve and the congregation, who to a man bent double with laughter.
From that moment I was to be known as "Evil Dan," although it was noted that anybody who wished to have a go did so whilst I was out of reach of stationary.

Next time, the origins of the nickname "Gay Dan." I may even include a poo story for you.

Youtube should stick to video hosting

2009-10-13T13:27:00.003+01:00

I've been meaning to write this piece for years, but have never got round to it until now.

If we've learned nothing else on our voyage of discovery together, and we haven't, we've still learned that the internet is populated in the vast majority by cretinous, egotistic morons with too much time on their hands. The end result of which, is youtube.

As a resource, no-one can argue that youtube is great. We use a fair amount from the 1% of its content that can't be described as "shit" on this very site, and it hosting these clips on our behalf is most helpful.. but..

Leave aside all the shit videos.. and there are plenty.. for just a second, and let's concentrate on some real issues here.

Just like with blogging, youtube is useable by all, which menas there is absolutely zero quality control. Could you imagine if TV channels were this hit and miss..and miss.. and miss?

I can't play professional football because I'm lanky, lazy and hopeless at football, Hugh Fearnley-whittingstall can't be a model because his face is on inside-out, and no-one wants to see a video of you jumping into a river from a bridge.. because you're a twat. Life is unfair, I'm sorry. It's just you're ruining the internet and so now trying to find some useful resource is quickly becoming impossible, beneath layers and layers of pointless 5 second videos and the insane ramblings of a million people who could be medically diagnosed as idiots.

A perfect case in point is a series of videos released by a group of Republican Americans, whom we know to be misguided at best, and fanatically cretinous and vile at their worst. This short series of videos, delivered on behalf of some mad man, by a woman with unlikely hair informs us that the British Government is actually in cahoots with the Dutch in an Anglo-Dutch empire, whom control America's leaders like puppets to force through a green, liberal agenda. The goal of which she describes as "obvious". I promise you, it isn't. Turns out you see, that the goal of this coalition and its tireless work toward hydro-electric dams, solar powered badgers and cars that run on tears of joy is.. genocide.

Quite how this is all linked she doesn't say, nor does she tell us quite how all this green movement results in genocide. I learned somethig though, that my most fervent wish is that she has since been locked away and quietly murdered.

This is truly just the tip of the iceberg, US site "The Onion", really does a far better job of mocking such people than I ever could;

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conspiracy_theorist_convinces_neil

Deeper investigation of Youtube's content unveils a long list of hate filled comments to innocent users, blatant lies, idiocy of epic proportions and most alarmingly, truly amazing levels of arrogance.

Random people simply arguing the toss about concepts of which they have no real knowledge, from who would have won the cold war had it got nasty, right through to time travel and a deep space exploration.

There I was watching a European space agency video on deep space propulsion, only to be told helpfully by a user named; reachingskies , that the video was "unrealistic" and then another moron chipped in adding that he could think of two better forms of deep space propulsion. Well, thank God they were there to clear that up for me, for a second there a collection of the World's most pre-eminent rocket scientists almost had me duped. Luckily, the users of youtube were there to keep me on the straight an narrow.

So, the message of today's update is, in summary, "It's all completely hopeless".

Try and have a good day.

Hitler - Complaints

2009-10-13T10:50:00.003+01:00

Ok, so some of you don't seem too happy with us allowing Hitler into the fold. We were going to address these concerns, but it turns out that Hitler is launching his own PR campaign...

Realisation of the obvious - #1

2009-10-13T10:47:00.001+01:00

Ben and Jerry's Ice cream. It's pretty fucking expensive.

LifeGauge - A Hardcore Effect Experiment

2009-09-12T19:22:00.004+01:00

Life, both yours and mine, is nearly always broken down into statistics.

We heard recently for example that the average woman will spend one year and four months, or 12,012.92 hours, of her life crying. Teenage girls clocking up an impressivly emotional two hours and thirteen minutes a week crying like.. erm.. a girl.

Men spend over a year of their lives somewhat more constructively by looking at women they don't know when they shouldn't be.

Women earn the equivalent average of $1 million less than men in the same job over a full working lifetime, and we're told that an average person eats 10 spiders in their life, while sleeping. Yet, none of those examples feel like a tangible fact, you still don't really appreciate the gravity of facts like those, so, since this life assessment lark is all the rage I've begun work on my own little project.

The Hardcore Effect Pile Of Crap.

Over the next twelve months, I will be monitoring [because I'm curious about it] how much time I spend doing stuff I really don't want to. The rules are really quite simple;

-Work is not included, and so time measured can only be taken from what would otherwise be free time.

-I must express clearly that I have no wish to participate in said actvity.

-The moment I begin to participate in such a task in anyway, the clock is started. My free time has been priced at a rather paltry £2 per hour, which is a fucking bargain.

-Money earned over this period must then be spent on crap. The rules for selection allow only items that are random, pointless, broken or hideous.

-Every month, these items must be placed into The Hardcore Effect Pile Of Crap to be photographed, prices must be recorded. Thus progress is monitored.

I started today, after I was dragged to Lancaster to go shopping, which is the fifth worst thing that can happen to a man after serious testicle trauma, catching ebola, being set on fire and catching a bus. Thanks to inexplicably bad traffic the whole debacle took an impressive 5 hours, which earned me ten pounds to spend on utter crap.

I chose to put a tick next to the random party today and decided to find the most out-of-place and pointless item I could. How the winner ended up in a branch of TK Maxx in Lancaster I will never know, but, today ladies and gentlemen I came home with the away shirt of Austrian Premier Division football team, Red Bull Salzburg. It's a bit rubbish and has made me truly happy.

New Blogger

2009-09-10T20:19:00.002+01:00

Hey, once again its time to add to our team, Please welcome Hitler.

Yes, you thought he was dead, but it turns out thats just rumour and hearsay. Adolf will be chipping in with occasional posts from time to time, first up though is a video contribution.

Hitler has fit in with the team surprisingly well, being consumed with rage is what we're all about. However, it seems some announcements about the forthcoming Command and Conquer game have upset him even more than usual. Enjoy.

Meet the team: Adam

2009-09-04T19:43:00.005+01:00

Dr. Adam Jagermeister Gruppenfuhrer Brainspiller M.D. 1987-

Originally named Jurgen Von Gayhair, Adam actually came out of a kinder egg his parents bought from a covered market in Slough. Despite this, and the firm belief he holds that he is a 6ft 5" black man in a white guy's body, Adam did go on to make us all proud and gain a variety of doctorates including, amongst others;

Erotic Massage
Crochet
Advanced piss artistry
Hair bleach: safe use and storage
Insults and casual violence
Bouncer provocation
Rocking out
Jellymould manufacture
and Feminism for bastards

Also the proud owner of a 2:1 in shut the fuck up, whatever that may be.

A connosieur of incredibly shit cars, Adam's previous car history reads like a What car? guide to looking a right dickhead. The most treasured of these former motors was the white Mk 1 Ford fiesta that could just push 70mph, whilst giving you an electric shock and shuddering as if re-entering the Earth's atmosphere.

One of Adam's biggest secrets is that after a few beers in a evening, he has an uncontrollable fetish for brightly coloured jukeboxes which contain the American Head Charge album "War of Art", however, as yet he has only actually made love to one, which he described as "The shizzle".

Adam's spare time is usually spent indulging in one of his many hobbies which include wanking, bribing nightclub security staff with chips and drinking Jagermeister until blind, then vomiting on a roundabout.

Known to genuinely believe that a group of homeless people is actually known as a "wankfest of tramps", Adam freely admits to a deep held respect for the hobos of Britain which resulted in his founding of the charity "Wank a Tramp", where drunkards are encouraged to give a little love to the more neglected members of society.

Co-wrote with Benji the bestselling book "Trick ass bitches: An illustrated history", which enjoyed a massive sales boost after the pair appeared in a double-action naked centrefold in Practical Pimping Magazine. A fall from grace followed, which saw Adam arrested as a sexual deviant. Originally sentenced to 3 days and a spanking, his sentence increased after an incident during room inspection which saw a large prison guard thrust his face close to Adam's and say in what he probably thought was a menacing voice "Sort your cell out!"

Adam looked back at him for a second then replied in a tender whisper, that was audible half way across the jail "You look like a girl, if we were alone in this cell I'd bend you over the table and fuck you" Then he pursed his lips into a little kiss. If nothing else showing the wit, class and intelligence that landed him a slot writing here.

This incident was later documented on his number three single "I Shit On You", a rap recorded to a imple drum beat and an audio recording of him actually taking a shit. Sheepy was the producer, naturally.

So, armed with this knowledge, please enjoy his ramblings. . Or he'll fucking nut you..or shag you.

A brief note on future reviews written by us

2009-09-03T20:17:00.002+01:00

When I was perhaps 18 or so, My all-consuming passion in life was to lead a lifestyle beyond my means. I have no doubt that I am not alone in this.

I would get paid on a Friday and by Sunday be hopelessly poor again until Friday came round thanks to weekends spent drinking far too much with a group of friends, then getting overpriced taxis home.

Naturally this lifestyle was never particularly cheap, and so I went down the old road of credit cards and unauthorised overdrafts.. thats the kind that come with a £30 charge, presumably to pay the extortionate wages of some bloke who approves or denies such requests.

Of course, borrowing for beer is unsustainable and eventually the time came to pay all this cash back. This, however, was not really of concern to me.. because I was drunk. I decided, in a quite logical way that I owed a lot, but in small sums to various debtors who were all threatening to have some bloke come over and remove my TV, my magnificent collection of utterly disgusting porn and my kidneys. I decided that these threats were empty, it would in effect cost them more than I owed to clear it all legally and pay the burly morons to rock up to my door. I was right.

It was 2 years before I grew up and cleared many of these debts for which I was threatened almost daily with legal action for, and I now live damn near debt free. Why is this?

Well, at the time I got many letters from various account managers and bank types declaring they were "concerned" and any variation thereof, to note I'd done nothing about my debts. Truth is they could have put "angry", "suicidal" or "vomiting with blind rage".. the fact remained, I had their money and I wasn't going to do anything about it.

Until one day, I got a letter from Capital One, saying they were "disappointed to note". Thie changed everything, because you see, they were disappointed. This means THEY had high hopes for ME, THEY thought better of ME and I had let THEM down. Some months later I was clean and clear and I'll never go back.

When most people think of the strongest word in the English language, they instantly think of the word "cunt".. or at least we do. Yet, that word is really more shocking than strong. Disappointed wins hands down, so I don't like using it.

Yet here I am finding myself noticing increasing numbers of people, situations, events and news items that warrant me dropping the "D-bomb". The purpose of this piece is to illustrate that if we ever describe something as "disappointing", avoid it like the plague. Sadly, you'll be seeing it plenty in the coming months.

Organic Chicken melts your face

2009-09-02T19:43:00.005+01:00

Some people are naturally unfortunate, the sort that always seem to be down on their luck and having a hard time of it.

Gordon Brown springs to mind, with his regular verbal shoeings at the hands of a right wing, Tory owned media machine. I don't imagine Michael Barrymore has much to smile about either, sure he has loads of days off these days, but no-one will come to his pool parties. So, he went on Big Brother and went slowly mad.

David Cameron may be everyone's new best mate, but he has to walk around all day knowing that deep down, he's a bit of a twat. Fernando Torres has to deal with having hair like a girl and being Spanish. Alan Titchmarsh has wasted his life in flower beds, ignoring Charlie Dimmock's barely contained breasts to potter around in a shed like a cock muttering "Oooh.. wheres my Trowel?", all the while his wife is in bed with the milkman.

Its not even strictly applicable to people, I don't imagine being a Koala bear is all that great to be honest. Spending all day in one of the world's hottest climates, wearing a fur coat you can't remove and waking only to chomp on Eucalyptus, which aside from having the nutritional benefit of water, makes them high. So high, infact, that if they see anything that isn't another koala or a eucalyptus tree they get so scared they give themselves Chlamydia. Thats no fun at all, being tired and sweaty all day while rocking a sex disease you caught without actually having sex.

However, the award for "Git we'd least like to be" goes to that floppy haired, tofu munching ponce, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

Aside from being a bit of a dick, poor Hugh still appears on TV, oblivious to the fact that his habit of eating shit he finds in his garden has melted his face.

Hugh's mission statement in life is to make sure we all wear sandals, eat organic food we grow on roundabouts in the middle of a city and give up our gardens so chickens can dick around and ruin them.

I heard him only the other day, blithering on about how its everyones responsibility to eat well, and source food from free-range, organic, hippy communes and that such behaviour is not simply the preserve of the wealthy. He explained this while trying to showsome inner city dwellers, that killing and gutting a chicken you raised yourself, and turning it into a nice bit of Coq-Au-Vin was far better and more rewarding than dropping into KFC. This is plainly bollocks.

Clearly, Mr. Whittingstall has never tried the Colnel's secret blend of 14 herbs and spices.

Plus, maybe doing such a thing is better, in the same way that building a shelving unit from Ikea is better than buying one built by someone who knows what they're doing, who gets other men to drop it round your house and put it in, while you eat a pie. In that it isn't better at all.

Its also all well and good saying that its irresponsible to tamper with nature and not eat correctly. Well I have news Hugh, what is fucking irresponsible is growing crops that produce smaller harvests and have a tendency to die for no real reason when we have famine on the go in Africa and the like. Furthermore, there is a finite amount of space in the world and the population is on the rise dramatically. How can we feed these people on organic hens that have several acres to play in? We'd all have to live in concentration camps and tree houses.

I know I'm a bit of a Socialist, I don't like injustice and I quite like animals, in a way. Yet, while farmed meat isn't perhaps treated as well as I'd like. I think that human beings have certain qualities that elevate them above poultry, animals so stupid that technically, they can function without a head. If thats elitist, then I'm sorry.

Ignoring all this stuff though, you must realise that most of the people in the world aren't quite as wealthy as you, thus when the choice comes down to £2.39 smartprice chicken fillets, murdered by Mr. Matthews, or Free range organic chicken costing a million pounds. People with a brain and a limited income will always feed their families for mroe than one day a week, meaning the cheaper option is the only option. I know you believe that if we all went organic, more people would grow it and it'd be cheaper... but it won't.

On top of that, even science says its pointless, because organic veg has no added benefit in terms of nutrition.

I'm from a generation that grew up eating e numbers, too much salt and artificial colourings and guess what, we turned out ok.

Pensioner's advice meets hip-hop

2009-09-02T15:49:00.002+01:00

A discovery has been made that may well change the world forever. Parents all over the world are going to rejoice when this technology becomes available to the masses. Using this new equipment you can now auto-tune Granny's gruff voice to make it pleasing to the ears of teenagers and then lay it over a phat beat so that they can relate to it. Pure genius, I think you'll agree. Thus starts a new feature, where we find the most genius of inventions and bring them to you. Once we have a few nominees we can then vote for the best invention of 2009. So, here we go, Nominee number one... the senior citizen auto-tuner...

The Hardcore Effect Awards 2009 - Best song

2009-09-01T22:39:00.001+01:00

We have an early, but clear winner.

Enjoy

Meet the team : Sheep

2009-09-01T21:15:00.008+01:00

We're undergoing some changes and expansion in the team here at Hardcore Towers, so, please allow us to introduce some familiar faces and somenew ones over the coming weeks, beginning with Sheepy.

Sheepay McSheepington Van Der Sheep-Sheep the First BSc.
1987 -

Well known sexual deviant and serial drunkard Van Der Sheep-Sheep has been writing for us since pretty much the beginning.

Most famous as the current holder and four-time winner of the title of 'Sexiest man in NATO', Sheep lists his hobbies as; Keeping it real, Schooling white kids, bringing sexy back, verbally abusing women, colonic irrigation, poo-ing, drinking, reading The Times and masturbating to local parish council magazines.

Once reached number 12 in the charts in Uzbekistan with a surprise cover version of Vanilla Ice's hit, "Ice, Ice Baby". The song sold well due to limited spread of the English language preventing many listeners picking up that most of the lyrics had been rewritten to be about taking a shit. Ice later took legal action after the line "Check out my hook, while my DJ revolves it" was changed by Sheep into something still legally unprintable today. The case was later thrown out on the basis that Sheep kept it roughly 73% more real than Vanilla.

Currently in the employ of Her Majesty's Armed Forces of the United Kingdom Of Great Britain [.. and Northern Ireland and The British Dependencies.. on occasion], which is an incredibly respectable position to hold, Sheep is still characterised by the self-loathing and hard-living that invariably accompany utter brilliance.

Found medically incapable of making a mistake.

Once described by the bloke that sold Thora Hird her stairlift as "a complete bastard", Sheep maintains that the disputed stairwell remained his property and Thora should have "got a fucking grip of herself". Later attended Hird's funeral purely to announce that he had indeed had the last laugh, as he had so often threatened. Little else of this feud has come to light.

We hope you enjoy his articles, he doesn't really care either way.

Kate Nash On The Street

2009-09-01T21:09:00.001+01:00

Here we find our old mate Kate, receiving a trendy award for being so.. well.. trendy and from the street. We wish her well.

The Hardcore Effect World Cup.. for Crisps - The qualifiers

2009-09-01T20:54:00.003+01:00

Listed below are the snacks fighting out to be crowned the Hardcore effect World Crisp Champion. We recognise some are not STRICTLY crisps, but merely corn based snacks, but we felt they should be represented. The crisps will be split by characteristics into groups, each one will be compared to the others in its group, with an overall winner and runner-up moving on to the latter stages to fight it out against crisps from other groups.

This really is seriously vital stuff.

Group A - Basic Crisps

Walker's Ready Salted
Seabrook's Prawn Cocktail
Highlander Salt & Black Pepper
McCoy's Flame Grilled Steak

Group B - Novelty Crisps

Walker's Squares
Wotsits
Skips
French Fries
Nik Naks
Pom-Bears
Chipsticks
Frazzles

Group C - Premium brand and corn based crisps

Kettle Chips
Philleas Fogg
Doritos
Walker's Sensations
Pringles

Group D - Other snacks

Beef Jerky
Salted Peanuts
Pork Scratchings
Dried Apple Crisps

Group E - Budget Crisps

Asda Smartprice
Space Raiders
Attack-A-Snack
Tangy Toms
Onion Rings

Group B, is of course expected to be a hotly contested group this time out. Young pretenders like Skips, vying against the might of Bacon Frazzles in the largest group in the competition.

This years surprise omissions include Walker's heavyweights - Quavers, a crisp that would under normal conditions fair quite well has failed to make the cut this year.

Stay here for all the action.

Dr. Adam - a medical update

2009-08-31T23:13:00.005+01:00

You may have noticed before, that Adam as started a grime music based blog.

It seems our colleague and friend has fallen gravely ill, and in the delerium of his fever has come to decide that he is black.

I urge you not to worry, Earlier today Joe and I agreed to perform an intervention. Joe will strap him to his bed for a week or two, during which time we will play the Winnebago Deal album - "Dead Gone" - on repeat while cutting the eyes out of photos of 50 cent. He may cry, and it may seem cruel but we assure you its for his own good.

Recently, he and Joe moved to Preston where the only residents are Tramps, stabbists, performing arts students, people who clamp other people's cars, graffiti vandals, benefit cheats, chavs, complusive gamblers, drunks and general members of the criminal underclasses.

I reckon he probably already has a switchblade if you frisked him, and the other day he drove past and I instantly thought, "Oh no, a drug dealer is here." until I noticed it was Adam at the wheel.

You understand that this behaviour must be stopped in its early stages, like a nasty bout of bowel cancer.

We will keep you updated.

Inefficent lighting saved The Hardcore Effect

2009-08-31T22:54:00.002+01:00

For sometime now, we've been considering the future of the blog.

All of us are busy chaps these days, and the recent and prolonged security issues didn't help, then there was concern that we actually had nothing left to say. This infact maybe true, its possible we will never publish another politically charged statement again, we have after all made our point.

However, something rather odd changed what we assumed to be the inevitable outcome.

People love to complain, about anything, no matter how trivial and pointless. The people who set to work on us, in truth, only really upset people and organisations we don't know or deal with.

You see, a few times a year, the town I reside in hosts a series of events and festivals. In the open area to the side of my apartment, there has been on occasion some incredibly powerful lighting erected. Something of an annoyance I'm sure you'll agree. I could and maybe should complain.

Yet, being someone with a brain, I realise that its very difficult to hold a cheese tasting or a flower arranging session in the dark, and so I like to hang some pieces of material over my windows to solve this, I like to call them "The Curtains" and they are fantastic.

This turned into something of a metaphor. You see the people we upset, who in turn upset a series of other people, could simply have closed their curtains. We don't force you to read something you disagree with, if it really upsets you that much.. maybe put the TV on eh?

Of course, everyone should read things they disagree with, you could be missing a trick and if little else it helps you keep an open mind and a balanced view.

So, we'll give it one last crack of the whip. Third time lucky eh?

New Blog

2009-08-26T16:36:00.004+01:00

Hey all, I'm back in full blogging mode so you'll be hearing much more from me in the coming weeks you'll be glad to hear :) I've also set up a new blog of my own; 'Grimescene' so come and check it out!

I'm here, sort of . . .

2009-06-30T11:41:00.005+01:00

Alright, I fucking know, I've been away for bloody ages. Well get a bastard grip, I've been busy ensuring that you moaning cunts can live in a relatively free society. Fuck me sideways, the things I do for you, eh?

On a side note, I'm entirely serious. I recently spent a week on a shitty exercise in the fucking arse-end of anywhere, carrying my own body weight in kit in ridiculous heat. Including eight hours spent lying in a nettle thicket waiting for an entirely imaginary "enemy" to pop by. Training my shitting arse.

Then I got in a world of shit for being "inconsiderate" to the feelings of the local populace when patrolling through a simulated enemy village. Considering we'd had reports of suspected suicide bombers in the market place I started shitting a simulated brick when a man broke off from the crowd and cycled towards me. Not being familiar with the local Pashto language, I improvised.
Apparently we're not allowed to shout "OI, FUCK OFF YOU PRICK." at Afghanis. Even ones who are paid a fortune to live over here to help deliver more realistic training.
It was so traumatic that I'm still recovering. In fact, only last weekend did I accidentally poo myself in a mates car. I say accidentally, I'm clearly incapable of making mistakes. It was an intentional self-poo'ing event brought on entirely by the rigours of my occupation.

In other news, you can completely ignore Ben when he says we should oust Maggie Thatcher from her existence. Old Mags is a fucking national treasure and should be reinstated without further ado. She'd sort the bastards out. Maggie liked nothing more than a good war and getting rid of the dross. No more free milk for kids? Boo-fucking-Hoo. If they're that desperate for milk they can get up half an hour earlier and raid a fucking cow.

Also, I'm not sure who this MC Lars character is, but I fucking well like his style. I'm sure there was deeper meaning to his song, some message that completely escaped me, there did seem to be a sarcastic element to it. Not to worry, I'll get that fucking brainbox Ben to explain it to me, over a curry, whilst I fight his Missus away from my Korma.

In other news, I've spent most of my time either working, being on duty or hiding in my shitty room, playing Street Fighter IV online. The vindictive bastards have forced me to pay for a TV licence, so I now join the masses in moaning about having to pay the BBC when their channels are bastard shit anyway.

Wait Out.

Bettering Mankind Vs. Making a Coffee

2009-06-28T20:18:00.003+01:00

Many a time, over a coffee at work I've informed my workmates quite openly that were I not banished to the back warehouse, I would roam the main of the building shooting the doddering old people that so clutter up the lives of people with lives still to live. You're retired for God's sake! Why on earth do you feel compelled to dick around attempting to pay for your shopping with your library card when normal people are on their lunch break, or are late for work?

If the everyday business of living becomes such confusion, then maybe its time for the old folk's home.. or God's cue for me to take you round back, like a faithful old sheepdog, and put you out of your misery.

But.

In all honesty, with joking aside, I've never thought the death penalty was the right way to go for the majority of crimes. When a country coolly and calmly decides its going to kill someone, that's murder, and committing murder infront of a pre-invited group of priests, locals and family members of the condemened is, well, sick.

What does it acheive? By simply giving someone a lethal injection you are not even hoping to rehabilitate a criminal, its pure punishment and a very strange message to people.

We will deter murderers by openly and explicitly murdering people.. thats pretty fucked up, let's be honest, and it gets worse, religious executions are even more disturbing than state ones. Preaching the tolerance and love of God, by stoning a pregnant woman to death is unacceptable.

Plus who does it really punish? The criminal? Not really, they have a nice last meal, then they are murdered and then that's sort of it. Try remembering what it was like before you were born.. that's what it's like.. sorry. So in reality, the punishment is really dealt to the family, dependents and children of the person being "punished". That's even more fucked up.

Clarkson once wrote;

"You can define a truly civilised nation by two things;

1) It has a large fleet of nuclear submarines
2) It does not have the death penalty "

That leaves you with France and the UK. A handful of the more pleasant, tolerant and progressive American states too do not have the death penalty.. but I'm not sure where the US keep their nuclear submarines..

Now, I'm not saying that we should go easy on criminals, and yes I can think of numerous people I would like to see quietly and efficently murdered for the betterment of the human race;

Various religious fanatics, Maggie Thatcher, Sarah Palin, Robert Mugabe, Kim Jong Il, people who like oom-pah music, people who own ceramic representations of turds smoking pot, vegetablists, people in vulgar t-shirts from the internet, hardline Republicans, hardline conservatives, people who own a sign saying "You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps", people who attempt to make a living as a living statue in city centres, homophobes, nationalists, people who drink Carling C2, people who bought a G-whiz, tiny women that drive huge off-road vehicles, people who bought a Smart car, people who put bodykits on their cars, Heather Mills, the Pope, people who don't realise how pointless organic vegetables are, people who order skinny lattes-to-go, people who listen to Beyonce Knowles, chavs, anyone who buys trashy celebrity magazines and Jack Tweed.

but with those people, it'd be a crime of passion and you can sort of understand that I'm sure. You're trying to engineer something better. Its the same as a hardworking man who is trying to raise his kids right and be a good husband, coming home daily to find his wife having sex with the 13 year old who delivers the paper.. somethings gotta give. Eventually, he'll snap, shoot them both and not even the Texans would electrcute him for it.

Of course though, you allow something like that to continue often, and you'd end up able to compare me to Saddam Hussein's favourite son.. you know.. the one that fed hookers to his pet tigers, and that really isn't acceptable.

So, the solution it seems would be to shoot me afterward, so maybe I'll just make a coffee instead.

European election reminder

2009-06-03T15:56:00.002+01:00

Hey Hey, just a reminder that you must all go out and vote in the European elections tomorrow. ok?

It's important.

"Hey, this is Europe. We took it from nobody; we won it from the bare soil that the ice left. The bones of our ancestors, and the stones of their works, are everywhere. Our liberties were won in wars and revolutions so terrible that we do not fear our governors: they fear us. Our children giggle and eat ice-cream in the palaces of past rulers. We snap our fingers at kings. We laugh at popes. When we have built up tyrants, we have brought them down. And we have nuclear fucking weapons." - Someone smarter than me

Quiet Sunday update

2009-05-31T23:34:00.002+01:00

This is a quick, late night Sunday update. Why? because we can.

We've got a lot planned this week. We'll be testing out the truth in advertising and embarking on many other journeys of discovery in the name of "having a laugh", culminating in the Red Bull Showdown.. how much, is too much? Let's see.

Incoming..

2009-05-24T11:37:00.003+01:00

Hey guys and girls,
I'd be lying if I said we'd been up to lots over our hiatus. I wouldn't be lying though if I were to say we have a lot coming up.

Ever wondered if its possible to overdose on energy drinks?

Ever wanted to construct a 100ft robot replica of yourself, but found you were unsure of the legality of it all?

Ever wanted to punch fans of Belgian free form jazz right in the middle of their stupid, polo neck wearing, existentialist, poetry writing faces?

you, my friend, are in the right place..

We're back.. 1st june 2009.

On Holiday..

2009-03-23T19:15:00.004Z

We're all super busy right now.

So sorry to do this to you, but we promise we'll be back as soon as we can. keep checking back.

much love,
The Hardcore Effect

So true..

2009-02-27T16:17:00.003Z

We all know someone as truly lame as the girl in this video.

enjoy.

Changes

2009-02-25T12:33:00.002Z

We're currently in the market for some new writers and a general reshuffle to bring us back to our pre-christmas levels of hilarity and efficency.

Ravi is still caught up with uni and exams, but we hope to have him back soon.

Sheepy is also working hard, but will be staying with us, as of course will Adam.

Due to other commitments, we'll be parting company with The Hardcore Effect's first female blogger, Kabbyo. We of course, wish her all the best in the future.

So, if you'd like to join a team with a glittering history of success and glory, look now further than us;

1999 - Hardcore Effect founded.
2003 - Launched on Myspace.
2004 - Withdrew from Myspace, declaring it "Fucking Shit".
- Ravi arrested in London nightclub, The Funky Buddha, for pistol-whipping a stripper.
- Benji and Adam become published authors after the release of "Trick-ass Bitches: an Illustrated History".
2005 - Heavily criticised for encouraging our adopted troop of boy scouts to open a breast examination clinic.
- Second book - ""Sure, I'll take a DNA test" and 100 other things not to say to the Child Support Agency" enrages Feminists. Adam "Not bothered".
- Groundbreaking coverage of World's first openly gay racing dog.
- Launched on Facebook.
2006 - Ravi finds cure for SARS.
- Christmas Album gets to 32 in the Latvian charts.
2007 - Cutting report into how much better everyone elses child soldiers are.
- Praised for encouraging frugal spending after report into how beating people to death is far more cost-effective proves popular
2008 - Nominated for four Bloggers' choice awards
- Launched on Blogspot.com
- break taken after bloggers found to be de-sensitized to all but "testicle-related" violence

So, if you fancy it, drop us a line with a few details about you, write a piece on anything you like and we'll be back in touch before you know it.

Celebrity Death - Rule Update

2009-02-25T12:27:00.004Z

After Adam's coup recently, where he chose Terminally ill, medallion wielding, open shirted, possibly homosexual, greasy, actor Patrick Swayze for his Celebrity Death predictions, and with Ravi and Sheepy still to pick at a time when Jade Goody is a guaranteed cert to kick the bucket, the decision has been made that we can no longer pick someone already diagnosed with a terminal illness.

This Rule will come into effect immeadiatly, the selection of Mr.Swayze will stand however.

Crediting the public with intelligence is very unintelligent

2009-02-12T16:00:00.001Z

You know me.. I'm a pretty easy going kinda guy. It's fine with me if you don't like the idea of gays marrying, I mean you're wrong, but still I'm ok with that.

Today though, I have encountered several moments where the complete idiocy of the general public has become so apparant, I can no longer ignore it.

The first instance was in a shop near my house, where a woman was asking for some cereal.. the assistant handed her a box but the lady insisted that this is not the box she usually buys. The assistant politely informed her that it was, the difference being that the cereal had 100% extra free.

The lady replied by complaining that she didn't want it because it wouldn't fit in her cupboard. Clearly, she has missed the point.

The shop also provided my second experience when a gentleman rather angrily demanded a single pint of milk because they had every size out except that. Ignoring bottles containing two pints of milk, he angrily grabbed two 1 pint bottle from the assistant and stormed off. Clearly too stupid to comprehend that all he had acheived was a less roomy fridge for which he paid an extra 7 pence.

Later still I was approached by a man from the BNP who informed me that immigration was the source of all the countries problems and that if we simply kicked everyone who isn't white and European out of the uK we'd all be better off in every way.

There are millions more hopelessly stupid individuals out there. Attempting to pay for shopping with a library card, complaining about a financial situation they clearly don't understand, whining that a Polish plumber got their husband's job just because he was Polish.

This scares me. Should I ever be in court on a charge of fraud or something, anyone of these morons could be on the jury.

I may have got a tan on holiday and they may accidentally think I'm foreign, that'd ruin my case.

How on earth does Mrs. Nazi, who genuinely believes that supermarkets have Prayer rooms facing Mecca for their Muslim staff who are secretly conspiring to overthrow us and enslave all the west, know if its legal to move earnings through an acoount in the Cayman Islands?

The jury system works on a basis that you are tried and convicted by a court made of your peers and equals. If this was so, then Mrs. Nazi would find herself judged by a jury of Yoghurts and an African land snail.

Maybe professional Jurors is a consideration, but they'd all become so jaded over time that they may just convict everyone.

Certainly, there would have to be some restrictions barring the wrong sort of person such as;

- People who have ever been heard to say "Well, he looks guilty"

- People who read the Daily Mail

- Criminals

- People who claim that the damp in their social housing made worms burrow into their brains

- People who believe that the best way to sort the economy is to do nothing

- People with three cars

- Homophobes

- Xenophobes

- People with double-barrelled surnames

Of course, I don't even think that would work. Leave it with me and I'll think of something..

50 reasons to love the EU - Courtesy of The Independent

2009-02-09T19:45:00.000Z

1 The end of war between European nations

2 Democracy is now flourishing in 27 countries

3 Once-poor countries, such as Ireland, Greece and Portugal, are prospering

4 The creation of the world's largest internal trading market

5 Unparalleled rights for European consumers

6 Co-operation on continent-wide immigration policy

7 Co-operation on crime, through Europol

8 Laws that make it easier for British people to buy property in Europe

9 Cleaner beaches and rivers throughout Europe

10 Four weeks statutory paid holiday a year for workers in Europe

11 No death penalty (it is incompatible with EU membership)

12 Competition from privatised companies means cheaper phone calls

13 Small EU bureaucracy (24,000 employees, fewer than the BBC)

14 Making the French eat British beef again

15 Minority languages, such as Irish, Welsh and Catalan recognised and protected

16 Europe is helping to save the planet with regulatory cuts in CO2

17 One currency from Bantry to Berlin (but not Britain)

18 Europe-wide travel bans on tyrants such as Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe

19 The EU gives twice as much aid to developing countries as the United States

20 Strict safety standards for cars, buses and aircraft

21 Free medical help for tourists

22 EU peacekeepers operate in trouble spots throughout the world

23 Europe's single market has brought cheap flights to the masses, and new prosperity for forgotten cities

24 Introduction of pet passports

25 It now takes only 2 hrs 35 mins from London to Paris by Eurostar

26 Prospect of EU membership has forced modernisation on Turkey

27 Shopping without frontiers gives consumers more power to shape markets

28 Cheap travel and study programmes means greater mobility for Europe's youth

29 Food labelling is much clearer

30 No tiresome border checks (apart from in the UK)

31 Compensation for passengers suffering air delays

32 Strict ban on animal testing for the cosmetic industry

33 Greater protection for Europe's wildlife

34 Regional development fund has aided the deprived parts of Britain

35 European driving licences recognised across the EU

36 Britons now feel a lot less insular

37 Europe's bananas remain bent, despite sceptics' fears

38 Strong economic growth - greater than the United States last year

39 Single market has brought the best continental footballers to Britain

40 Human rights legislation has protected the rights of the individual

41 European Parliament provides democratic checks on all EU laws

42 EU gives more, not less, sovereignty to nation states

43 Maturing EU is a proper counterweight to the power of US and China

44 European immigration has boosted the British economy

45 Europeans are increasingly multilingual - except Britons, who are less so

46 Europe has set Britain an example how properly to fund a national health service

47 British restaurants now much more cosmopolitan

48 Total mobility for career professionals in Europe

49 Europe has revolutionised British attitudes to food and cooking

50 Lists like this drive the Eurosceptics mad

We're all Europeans now.. and its for the best.

2009-02-09T19:22:00.003Z

Just like the widespread criticism of the NHS we see all around us, the criticism of the EU is one of the medias favourite hobbies.

Lets square something away right now, I've spent AGES looking into this and the only people who will lose out in a Euro Superstate are the rich guys who own the papers. Put simply, without the pound.. currency trading becomes a real pain the arse. Currency trading is a great way to make a lot of money, you can't really lose because you can bet either way.

Another way they lose out is under stricter EU laws on stock trading. The whole reason we're in this mess wight now. You're poor, I'm poor, we're all suffering.. but you can bet your ass that some people got very, very rich off our misery. I'm writing a piece on how this works very soon, its immensely complex and I want to write it in such a manner that you'll understand and not wander off to drown yourself.

Yet, for you and me. Average guys and girls on the street, theres only benefit really. Just look at Northern Ireland.. the whole fucking country was rebuilt to an excellent standard with EU cash.

Sure, you can yell all you like about foreigners taking all the British jobs.. but you're a moron looking for a scapegoat. Jobs create jobs.. thats what we call a fact. These foreigners are going to spend their wages somewhere.. all the extra staff, with all the extra cash are going to make a lot fo jobs. Simple.

You also forget that its a two way street, you can just as easily up sticks and go to live and work in any other EU country with no hassle.. thats a fantastic thing.

Imagine a world where Russia, China or even the US will struggle to throw their weight around against a European Superstate with thousands of years of culture and Nuclear weapons to boot. Imagine the army we'd field? Imagine how awesome it would be to just stroll into Sweden like you'd wandered into Scotland. You wouldn't even need to go to the bureau de change!

People say; "I like my money with the Queen's head on it".. fine, Euros have two sides you know. You don't need to sacrifice being British, you just have to sacrifice being a simple Little Englander.

I for one am in favour, how can there be anything but benefit in us all working together?

If you're smart, you'll be in favour too.

Speaking of the NHS...

2009-02-08T20:44:00.001Z

Check out www.betterthanthenhs.blogspot.com

Long Live The NHS

2009-02-08T12:55:00.002Z

Pick up almost any newspaper in the country at the moment, and all we hear is how terrible the NHS is. Frankly, I'm fucking sick of it because that simply isn't true.

Want to see a truly awful health service? Try the USA or Romania.

The fact of the matter is that for a mere £4ish out of each paycheck, you not only insure yourself against injury, but you also get a pension and unemployment cover. You go out and fucking find me a better deal for that kind of coverage and I'll eat my words. Theres no loopholes, no catches.. you need a hospital.. you just go, need a doctor? Again you just go, no insurance forms, no questions and no stress.

On top of this, I can firmly say in all confidence that people who do criticise the NHS are invariably ignorant foreigners who don't use it but have a selfish hatred for social health systems of any kind, people who can afford expensive private healthcare and idiots who believe everything they read in the paper.

Sure, people will criticise. They don't think their precious £4 should be used to care for strangers, immigrants and fat people. If I ever meet these people, I shall endeavour to set them on fire.

For £4!?! Shit.. go crazy, you can all have an eye exam on me. You are the kind of people who complain when they put the price of a postage stamp up to 31p.. I'd like to see you take it there personally for that much, you fucking idiot.

Then there are people who say thats its rundown and overstretched.. of course its overstretched, free things invariably are, and YOU won't pay more tax to pay the doctors and nurses a better wage, but, rundown? not on your life.

I recently had the pleasure of being at Lancaster Infirmary, the building looks from the outside about 150 years old.. it would.. its victorian. Inside though, I've seen less sophisticated space ships. EVERY bed has a personal TV/Phone/Internet/Radio combination.. EVERY single bed. Had I been able, I could have blogged from there, while watching digital, high-definition cable TV.

You know something else? The food is better than you could possibly imagine, its fresh and tasty and you actually get a menu full of choices.. not just what they happen to feel like serving. They even do a very good chicken curry.

Invariably, someone will now write to inform me of some terrible experience they had.. of course there is going to be the occasional bad hospital. Thats inevitable.

As long as David "call me Dave" Cameron doesn't start pulling the funding when he and his rich, right wing buddies get into power, then those minority hospitals will be just that.. a minority.

You may say that this system is open to abuse, thats true. Yet, you'll be the first to complain when its not there. You can't tar the majority with the same brush just to make life harder for the terminally lazy and useless. You may say that you have read a bad story, or have known someone who had a bad experience, and that this qualifies you to pass judgement on the system and say that private is better. This is so stupid, its like saying that you can be a fighter pilot because you're good at monopoly.

The system even stretches to the army, did you know that the UK is the ONLY armed force in the world that has a CH-47 Chinook helicopter, with a fully operational operating theatre onboard. Its essentially a mobile hospital and has saved so many lives that I'm left wondering why the other three big defence spenders [America, France & Russia] haven't found room in their VAST military budgest for a similar thing.

I'm not some bleeding heart, wishy-washy liberal. I know its a cruel world with no room for idealism and that people are utter, utter bastards. I just think we can take the best of the left and the best of the right and come up with a far better system than anyone right now is pitching. Republican or Democrat.. Labour or Conservative. You've become so bothered about proving the other one is utterly wrong that you've forgot that there is as much truth in their view as there is in yours.. and between us we could come up with some fantastic compromises.

Think on.

We are listening..

2009-02-05T12:39:00.003Z

To all of you, and there were quite a few who responded to our call for feedback, we have to say a huge thanks.

Its been noted that many of you can't be bothered signing up for a blogger account to interact with us fully, so bear with us and we'll come up with a solution. Everyone's a winner baby.

YOUR content HERE.. very,very soon.

Thanks again

Sell-out with us

2009-02-03T18:36:00.002Z

You probably know how much success we've had in the first 10 months of the new style Hardcore Effect.

Especially of note was our anti-advertising attitude and refusal to allow sponsorship to skew our opinions. Well, we've been approached twice now to turn the site into a coloumn or feature in some second rate publications. This is great, so why didn't we?

Is it our integrity? Sadly, not. Its because all these offers did not involve us getting paid, so I'm going to dispel a myth. We do need to eat, so if you require us to write for your magazine on such a scale, please bear in mind that just because we do this for nothing doesn't mean thats totally by choice.

and essentially, we're whores that would eat children for a few grand extra a year.

Dangerous Trips for Boys - The Hardcore Tour 2009

2009-02-02T19:22:00.003Z

Sure, theres a credit crunch.. and yes, we have no money.. but, damn it! We know how to drink.

As we know, this is all you need to have fun. So keep them peeled for this years dates, and maybe we can all get drunk together? huh?

The Hardcore Effect Meets - The Guild: Robin Thorsen

2009-02-02T19:06:00.005Z

Hey, what follows is a lovely interview with our favourite side-bang wielding actress ever, the lovely Robin Thorsen.

Robin is a recent graduate of Chapman University in Orange with a BA in Theatre Arts, and an AA from Marymount College in Rancho Palos Verdes. While at school, she appeared as Julia in Lend Me a Tenor, Ethel in Moon Over Buffalo, Lala in The Last Night at Ballyhoo, Kate in Ladies in Waiting, and the Nurse in Romeo and Juliet. She has also appeared in Grease, Brigadoon, Damn Yankees, and Arsenic and Old Lace. Robin was twice awarded an Irene Ryan nomination to the Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival for her comedy performances. Theatre and film have been Robin’s passion for as long as she can remember. She is thrilled to have been chosen to play Clara Beane in The Guild.

First and foremost, huge congrats on winning our "Best Thing On the Internet Award", we hope you are as stoked about getting it as we are about giving it to you. With all that porn out there, who'd have thought it? Anyway, how does it feel to be crowned top dogs? How will you celebrate? Because you so should celebrate.

Thanks for the Award! How awesome is this?!? Of course I'm going to celebrate, in fact, I celebrated a little to much last night so you'll have to excuse me if my answers are whack!

Throughout this interview, we'll be firing some pretty odd questions your way, we figured you'd be tired of the same old questions and so we'll do our best to keep it fresh.. like this; Its a fight to the death, we've all been there. Which cast member would win?

In a fight? It has to go to Sandeep...he has some mean Karate moves...or maybe Amy, she could definitely do some damage!

We're sure you must get a lot of positive feedback, but as we know all too well, the net is also full of morons. How do you deal with negative comments? Do you find heavy criticism a problem?

It's hard not to read the comments. In this business you have to have a crazy thick skin and not worry about those lameos who feel the need to be negative

There are alot of differences between British and American humour, what is it, in your opinion, that bridges that chasm so well?

First of all, I think British humor is gold...I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ricky Gervais, Extras is one of my favorite shows. The thing about British humor is it's alot more dry and awkward (which is more my humor) than American. Did i answer that...meh...

Last Summer, we wrote a guide to being metrosexual. Clearly,we understand the importance of looking "freaky, sexy good" at all times. Who spends the longest sorting their appearance before getting down to work?

Oh, I would say the girls, Amy, Felicia and I ,spend the most time...I'm not a diva or anything, but I'm uber particular about my hair...my side bangs are my money maker!!!

We have discovered that no story involving 14 beers and take-out food has a happy ending. Do you guys ever partake in wild parties and nights around town after shooting?

We have some fun wrap parties! I have to say that Sandeep is my partner in crime, we're always 'in it to win it' when it comes to parties.

We once received a bit of coverage during the BBC's coverage of cricket, sparking a huge debate about baked goods, what is the weirdest thing any of you have had to do in promoting the Guild?

I'm not sure if it's weird but I basically threaten all my friends to watch the show or are relationship is dunzo...yep I just end it if they don't support me and my endeavors.

Picture the scene: You book a short break to Europe, just to take sometime for yourselves, but there's a mistake and you end up in the small industrial town of Delmenhorst, famous for linoleum production. What would you do to amuse yourselves?

I'm not sure if you know this, but I'm like super personable...It's funny, people just gravitate towards me...that said I'm sure I'd meet some cool person who'd want to hang out and we'd probably just get smashed. Let's call a spade a spade what else would you do in a town that is famous for linoleum production?!?!?

Speaking of Europe, we'd love to hear your opinions if you've ever been our way? The Welsh once saved Ravi's life.

I visited London for 3 weeks when I was in college and fell in love with it! The theatre was amazing! I hope to return soon...I just have to start saving!

Ravi, Adam and I recently started a short lived Austro-German Lounge-jazz-funk-fusion ensemble, replete with spangly jackets, keytars, handlebar moustaches and mullets. How much would you each charge, were we to approach you about appearing in a music video? We could offer all the currywurst you can eat.

I would do the video for free...yes free. I mean it's not everyday you get to be in a Austro-German Lounge-jazz-funk-fusion ensemble, replete with spangly jackets, keytars, handlebar moustaches and mullets right?!

We think you rock. Could we tempt you to come stay for a while? It'd be fun, Ravi has Tarot cards.

First of all...heck yes! I'm totally in need of a vacation...I'm super low maintenance...just give me some Kettle One and the occasional meal and I'll be set!! By the way you had me at Tarot Cards!!

Our research shows that real child neglect isn't very funny. Yet we don't feel guilty laughing at your character, how much fun is the role?

Yah...real child neglect doesn't get any laughs...too bad huh?!??! I think the reason people laugh at Clara's antics is because she's just so ditsy and clueless! Playing Clara is so much fun because she's so out there...especially in season 2, You see a totally different side of Clara. She turns into a hot mess!

I know someone very similar to your character. Luckily, she is not yet a mother. How much research did you do for the role?

Well let's hope your friend doesn't procreate!!!!! As far as research goes, I have a huge family so I've always been around kids. I didn't adopt a kid for a month to prepare or anything like that...although I did try.

Whats your most memorable experience fr0m your time on the show?

Memorable...well I would say when we were at Blizzcon. I mean, there was a line, like ,an hour long to meet us...How crazy is that!! Does that count?!?!?

Isn't this just the best interview you've ever had? We won't get all big-headed.. we promise.

I wasn't going to say it, but I have to agree...You guys are pretty amazing...Aren't I like the best person to interview?!?!?(it's ok, I already know it)

I once walked out of a Drama class because I was asked to act as the color orange. Whats the best and worst things you had to do while studying?

The color Orange?!?!? What kind of acting class was that?!? I majored in Theatre so I could go on for days on question...I never had to act like a color but i did have to act like an inanimate object, i chose a chaise lounge and let me tell you...Oscar worthy!!!!

Who have you most enjoyed working with?

I have to choose? This is when I turn really cheesy, ready? I loved working with everybody...we're like one big dysfunctional family!

What would you like to do next?

The obvious one is, Season 3 of the show...I'm super excited to find out what crazy antics Clara gets into! I'd also like to do anything that has to do with film or television...well not anything, I have my standards!

Thanks so much for your time, we hope to be speaking with you again sometime in the future, and wish you all the best with the show.

Thanks you guys for making us "Best Thing on the Internet"!! I'll see you in the office soon...huh huh?!?!?

Kate Nash on "The Street" #5

2009-01-29T17:35:00.002Z

Pickings have been super thin this week, but after an exhaustive 2 hour search our heroine returns, bringing that "street" vibe with her middle class self.

Here we join Kate as she sets off to a viewing of Banksy vs. Warhol. At firstwe thought that was an art exhibition, turned out to be a dance battle... probably. Enjoy.

The Hardcore Effect meets - The Guild : Felicia Day

2009-01-27T11:55:00.004Z

Following on from our last interview with Vince Caso, we've been bugging Actress and Producer, Felcia Day to get her views on everything from linoleum production to this dark little corner of the web. Do Enjoy.
Felicia was born in Huntsville, Alabama. She was home-schooled all her life and got her first acting role as Scout in the Huntsville Little Theatre production of “To Kill a Mockingbird.” Felicia started college at 16, majoring in violin performance, and then in mathematics at the University of Texas at Austin. She has been on television shows such as “Windfall”, “Strong Medicine”, “Monk”, “Love Inc.”, and most notably had a recurring role as Potential slayer Vi on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” She has been in such films as “Bring it on Again”, and the Emmy award-winning “Warm Springs”. She recently played the role of “Penny” in Joss Whedon’s “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog”, and filmed a 4 episode arc on the upcoming ABC Family sitcom, “Roommates”.
(IMDB)

First and foremost, huge congrats on winning our "Best Thing On the Internet Award", we hope you are as stoked about getting it as we are about giving it to you. With all that porn out there, who'd have thought it? Anyway, how does it feel to be crowned top dogs? How will you celebrate? Because you so should celebrate.

Well, being at the pinnacle of the web is certainly relative (we're not getting invited to hot parties or getting sent schwag in the mail, hehe) but I love being an underground success, and am very thankful we're not well known enough that I have to comb my hair to go to the coffee shop. That would suck.

Throughout this interview, we'll be firing some pretty odd questions your way, we figured you'd be tired of the same old questions and so we'll do our best to keep it fresh.. like this; Its a fight to the death, we've all been there. Which cast member would win?

Well, Zaboo is really nimble, but Amy is a dancer and is in great shape. I'd put my dollars on her, also it would look awesome if she kicked ass.

We're sure you must get a lot of positive feedback, but as we know all too well, the net is also full of morons. How do you deal with negative comments? Do you find heavy criticism a problem?

I have to chant a mantra "Resist the trolls, resist the trolls" a lot. Of course the worst comments seem to stick out in your head the most, but we're lucky to have fans who defend us for every negative comment posted. Also, getting a swollen head would be really irritating, and the internet saves me from having absolute self-confidence, so I'm thankful for that.
There are alot of differences between British and American humour, what is it, in your opinion, that bridges that chasm so well?

I think British humor is much more self-depricating and less glossy. Less precious. I tend to relate to it more, also because the actors are less perfect looking.

Last Summer, we wrote a guide to being metrosexual. Clearly,we understand the importance of looking "freaky, sexy good" at all times. Who spends the longest sorting their appearance before getting down to work?
I hate to say it, but Robin (Clara) does obsess over the angle of her bangs a lot. And it's a lovely angle, undeniably. (She's gonna kill me)<>

We have discovered that no story involving 14 beers and take-out food has a happy ending. Do you guys ever partake in wild parties and nights around town after shooting?

Uh, Sandeep and Robin know how to party. I am the butt of everyone's joke because I am so uncool. They keep ribbing me and asking me if the wrap party is gonna be a tea party with crumpets and jam. I was forced to take the first shot of my life at the Season 1 wrap party. True story :(

We once received a bit of coverage during the BBC's coverage of cricket, sparking a huge debate about baked goods, what is the weirdest thing any of you have had to do in promoting the Guild?
I signed a Nintendo Power Glove once.

Picture the scene: You book a short break to Europe, just to take sometime for yourselves, but there's a mistake and you end up in the small industrial town of Delmenhorst, famous for linoleum production. What would you do to amuse yourselves?
I would tour the linoleum plant. Talk about educational.

Speaking of Europe, we'd love to hear your opinions if you've ever been our way? The Welsh once saved Ravi's life.

No I haven't but I'd love to travel there. I read a lot of Highland Fantasy, and Knight Errand stuff, I think a tour of the Isles would be quite a journey.

You may not be aware, but you are our first guests to escape the dreaded Dangerwank question. Its on google, but we'd hate to be the source of any accidents, no-one needs another Micheal Hutchence, but less about us, who do you all take most inspiration from?

I'm inspired by people who go outside the norms of traditional success, like Kevin Smith, Miranda July, Jonathan Coulton, Lily Taylor etc. People who made their own way and have a clear point of view they don't muddy because they want success so badly.

Ravi, Adam and I recently started a short lived Austro-German Lounge-jazz-funk-fusion ensemble, replete with spangly jackets, keytars, handlebar moustaches and mullets. How much would you each charge, were we to approach you about appearing in a music video? We could offer all the currywurst you can eat.

I would charge cheese curls. Oh, and first-class air fare :D WTF is currywurst!?

The concept and the writing on The Guild are just superb. Please ignore our terrible, bitter envy and tell us, is this the manifestation of your inner nerd? or the product of some very accurate research?

No, absolute inner nerd. The fact that this point of view is the default me, and other people like it, is amazing to me. And means I don't have to work as hard because geek comes naturally to me :)

We've been dying to know, so please indulge us.. what was it you vomited onto the stunt guy? It looked remarkably realistic.
It was crushed pineapple juice and oatmeal. Yummy.

How hard has it been to get The Guild coverage in the media?
Internet media: Relatively easy. Anything outside of that: Impossible. Mainstream media barely covered Dr. Horrible, why would they cover my little show? :) But seriously, slowly they're coming around. The lightning pace of online life is much different from "regular" life. It's hard to remember sometimes when you live in one world more than the other.
Let's talk money, is the show expensive?

No, it's a web show. We're not rolling around in our gold coins with these videos. But, thanks to Microsoft we can actually pay people up front. It might make me a crappy producer, but I love writing our cast and crew checks.

Previously, I said that you would have to hold the business acumen of a mackerel not to see the potential of getting your company behind the show, is funding a problem?

Yes, because money, ultimately comes from advertisers and products, and they are not used to funding content on the web yet. It's getting there, but it's still new ground. I know how much they pay for 30 second traditional spots, and if they put that money towards a season of web content....man I could actually make a living at this :)

You rocked in Buffy, how awesome was being in that show? How hard was the role to secure?
Every audition is torture and total luck. I happened to have a good day, and they liked the way I acted. Thank God. That was the best job I had, aside from my internet work. Such a great group of ppl to work with, and I got to kill people with stakes. Yum.

We also hear you played Scout in "To Kill A Mockingbird", we studied the book back in our school days and it provided welcome relief from Shakespeare.. who is rubbish. How did you find that role?

My aunt did a lot of theatre, and I admired her. She thought of me when the role came up. I was 6 or 7, so I wasn't really on the lookout for jobs then, ha.

Obviously, we are now you're best friends in the UK, so you'll want to name drop us in the show.. and thats just fine bgy the way, but what else is in store for the show? How long do you see it being in production for?

I could go for several more seasons. The actors and characters are so rich. And worst case scenario, I could watch Vork read a phonebook and crack up. Season 8: Vork Reads Phonebook. Catchy.

We've heard a few comparisons floating around between your show, and cult comedy hit Chad Vader. What do you think?

I love Chad Vader and I met those guys, they're great. I like being compared to good material. They live outside LA and get locations for almost nothing, so actually I'm pretty jealous of them, ha.

Thanks so much for your time, we hope to be speaking with you again sometime in the future, and wish you all the best with the show.

So, there you have it kids. Still to come Robin Thorsen and Jeff Lewis, so you'll keep it here if you know whats good for you.

Upgrade complete

2009-01-27T11:50:00.002Z

Hey, sorry we've been gone, but we've been taking some time to tidy the site a little. This way it'll continue to run super fast for you.

cheers

Still to come..

2009-01-21T14:51:00.004Z

Well, nothing much today, but the rest of the week pans out pretty damn well.

We've got interviews with Felicia Day, Robin Thorsen and Jeff Lewis from The Guild, plus another surprise guest.

We'll be attempting to catch up with the boys from Mindshock and we'll be making the first draw of our inaugural Crisp World Cup.

Keep it here.

Finally though, please join us in wishing that handsome devil, Ravi, the best of luck in his exams. We all look forward to his return.

cheers

Kate Nash on "The Street" #4

2009-01-19T18:07:00.001Z

Kate's back with us once again, keeping it real about life on "the street". God, we wish we were that cool...

The Hardcore Effect Meets - The Guild: Day 3 Vincent Caso

2009-01-18T12:03:00.002Z

We know.. put simply, we're too good to you. You lucky bastards.

Today, we get the lowdown from actor and card trick maestro Vincent Caso, who kicks ass all over your screens as Bladezz. Sexual vulgarity has never sounded so poignant.

Vince was born in Massachusetts and raised in Los Angeles. He attended a school for the Arts and, with his training in front and behind the camera, he decided at the age of 13 to pursue acting. Within a year he booked a lead in his first feature film, “American Fork” from the producer of “Napoleon Dynamite”. Vincent is also an accomplished sleight of hand artist and playing card handler, he is never without a deck of cards, practicing and creating new tricks as he prepares to become a junior member of the Magic Castle. Check out his IMDB.

First and foremost, huge congrats on winning our "Best Thing On the Internet Award", we hope you are as stoked about getting it as we are about giving it to you. With all that porn out there, who'd have thought it? Anyway, how does it feel to be crowned top dogs? How will you celebrate? Because you so should celebrate.

It feels awesome. When we all got into this, I didn't have any idea that it would have the success it did. To see people get behind it as they have, and to see it do as well as it has been doing, it feels like a real accomplishment, especially considering the humble beginnings we started from, heh.

Throughout this interview, we'll be firing some pretty odd questions your way, we figured you'd be tired of the same old questions and so we'll do our best to keep it fresh.. like this; Its a fight to the death, we've all been there. Which cast member would win?

Well, Sandeep has some super-Indian-mustard-bottle powers he's been saving up. And Felicia can brandish a violin like it's nobody's business. But hey, I study martial arts (Karate and Krav Maga included!), so you know it would be a pretty epic battle!

We're sure you must get a lot of positive feedback, but as we know all too well, the net is also full of morons. How do you deal with negative comments? Do you find heavy criticism a problem?

I don't check Youtube comments often, which I assume is where most of the negativity would be posted. Either way, I don't really mind. It's all part and parcel to the business we're in. Unless it's a pretty well-founded criticism, I usually let it go from one ear out the other.

There are alot of differences between British and American humour, what is it, in your opinion, that bridges that chasm so well?

I think there are a number of core things that allow comedy to be pretty universal. But, of course, comedy being what it is, it's pretty hard to define. Once you have to explain a joke, it's dead. I just think people enjoy, in part, what they can relate to. And our subject matter includes situations that a lot of people (mostly gamers, yeah) can sorta put themselves into. But is that what does it? Hell, I don't know. Hah.

Last Summer, we wrote a guide to being metrosexual. Clearly,we understand the importance of looking "freaky, sexy good" at all times. Who spends the longest sorting their appearance before getting down to work?

Well, it's probably one of the girls. That's just sort of the way it usually goes. But out of the guys, it MIGHT just be me... I know, wouldn't have guessed that, huh? I mean, I don't spend too much time doing my hair or anything. But when it's this length, it takes a little maintenance.

We have discovered that no story involving 14 beers and take-out food has a happy ending. Do you guys ever partake in wild parties and nights around town after shooting?

Actually, no. I mean, we go out and have some fun when we're at a convention or something like that, but usually our shooting season is pretty chill.

We once received a bit of coverage during the BBC's coverage of cricket, sparking a huge debate about baked goods, what is the weirdest thing any of you have had to do in promoting the Guild?

I may not have done anything bizarre, but I've come close. I've had marriage proposals over IMDB, rape threats over Myspace, and people stalking me most other places. If one of those things actually happened, it would be some pretty good publicity, right? Right...?

Picture the scene: You book a short break to Europe, just to take sometime for yourselves, but there's a mistake and you end up in the small industrial town of Delmenhorst, famous for linoleum production. What would you do to amuse yourselves?

I would probably go undercover in a linoleum factory, get close to the foreman, work my way up the command chain, and eventually find myself working directly beneath the very top dog himself, from there I will uncover a vast corruption and fraud scheme, save Europe, and be home in time for the next episode of The Guild to air! Or maybe just call a cab or something.

Speaking of Europe, we'd love to hear your opinions if you've ever been our way? The Welsh once saved Ravi's life.

Unfortunately I've never been. Though it's definitely on the top of my list of places to go.

You may not be aware, but you are our first guests to escape the dreaded Dangerwank question. Its on google, but we'd hate to be the source of any accidents, no-one needs another Micheal Hutchence, but less about us, who do you all take most inspiration from?

For me, it's mostly from the other cast members, and the crew, too. We have a rather talented and hilarious pool of people working on this show, and it never fails to give me some inspiration or spark some ideas of my own.

Ravi, Adam and I recently started a short lived Austro-German Lounge-jazz-funk-fusion ensemble, replete with spangly jackets, keytars, handlebar moustaches and mullets. How much would you each charge, were we to approach you about appearing in a music video? We could offer all the currywurst you can eat.

Unless the shoot spanned a number of days, or was out of the country, I'd probably do it for free. Otherwise, I'm not sure, I'd probably just ask if you could cover my food/board. Heh.

We hear you're pretty handy with a deck of cards. We have a set of Tarot Cards that Ravi once used to predict soccer results. He was shit and his results were useless. Instead of us getting rid of them, how quickly could we pick up some slick deck-shuffling moves to impress ladies?

Some of the more basic moves you could have pretty well down in just a week or two, those being one-handed cuts such as the Charlier, Thumb cut, and Knuckle cut. Even a basic two-handed fan doesn't take too long to get down pretty well. You can usually find tutorials on YouTube, but the great majority of those are crap. Maybe I'll have to do up some tutorials of my own?

Frankly, your role in The Guild was perfect casting. Are you stoked to be playing Bladezz?

Definitely! I love the character. And, funny fact, I really wasn't what Felicia had pictured for the role. But when I came in to audition, it just sorta worked, so I got it. But he's a blast to play.

Are you a big gamer away from the show?

Used to be, but not anymore. I played WoW, big Starcraft/Diablo fan, lots of console, too. But more recently I've just become busy with other things, and I really don't get any satisfaction out of playing video games. I guess I'm just one of those "high on life!" types.

A girl I know has been having a lot of fantasies about you, can we give her your number? Do you get a lot of fan mail from equally obsessed young women?

While it's quite flattering, I'm afraid I cannot give my number out. Say hi to her for me, though. I get quite a lot of fan mail, largely over networking sites like Facebook or Myspace. Marriage offers, rape threats, stalkers, you name it, I've gotten it.

Whats next for you? Any big plans?

Not much going on as of yet, but keep your eyes peeled! That's sort of a gross expression.

Every year we make our Celebrity death predictions for the year, who is your money on to kick the bucket in the next 12 months?

Hmm, good question. One could say someone like Larry King, but I think he's one of those kinds of guys who will still be alive when my grandchildren have children. Who knows what the future may hold? I just hope it isn't like an idol of mine or anything, that's always a little fear in the back of your mind.

Which cast member do you get along best with? or is it generally a one-big-happy-family scenario?

It's pretty much a big happy family, cast and crew all inclusive. But since shooting schedules differ, I usually end up hanging out most with Sandeep and Jeff. God, I just do not stop laughing when I'm with those guys.

Well, we hope you have all enjoyed speaking with us, we have tried to break from the norm and keep it fun, it has been a total pleasure for us. Any last messages to our readers? You're probably super busy, but, what are the chances of a video message for us?

A video message sounds great! I've got a webcam (just bought a new iMac), so maybe I'll shoot a little somethin' and put it on YouTube.

Thanks so much for your time, we hope to be speaking with you again sometime in the future, and wish you all the best with the show

My pleasure! I really appreciate the opportunity to do the interview, I can't wait to see everyone else's answers!

What a nice chap eh? Vince, if you read this you're welcome by anytime for currywurst and beer. We'll even read your tarot.

Catch us tomorrow, we still have more interviews to fire your way.

The Football

2009-01-15T16:09:00.002Z

Ever since Euro 2008 finished there's been something missing from the blog. That something, quite obviously is football. I mean, what is life without football? What would us lads do on a weekend if we didn't have a solid excuse to leave our wenches in their element in the kitchen and go get lashed down the pub? It doesn't bear thinking about.

So from now on I will bringing you a weekly update on the all the matches. Obviously I don't get to see all of the matches so I will be piecing together information from highlights and the premier league website.

This weeks games;

Villa 2 - West Brom 1

Villa have broken into the top 4 recently (deservedly) and have been playing fantastically. I have two of their players in my fantasy football team (Young and Agbonlahor). They seem to be hogging all of the English talent and using it well. On this occasion though, they needed a little help from the only goalkeeper in the Premier league stupid enough to score an own goal - our very own Scott Carson. Possibly the worst goalkeeper since Lehmann. Carson; you make Paul Robinson look good.

Aresnal 1 - Bolton 0

Bolton played their now famous 10 - 0 - 0 formation and Aresnal showed why they're losing their grip on the top four by taking 83 minutes to score against a side that only had fifteen fit players in all. That's about all their is to say. Shit game.

Everton 2 - Hull 0

Fellaini; what a hero. The first player this season to score a goal using a ridiculous haircut, his afro guiding the ball into the net for Everton's first. He then got his tenth booking of the season for having his gangly legs reach face height of the opposing player one time too many. Arteta scored the second from a free kick. It was nice.

Mibblesboro 1 - Sunderland 1

I can't really say much about this game, I was viewing it more as a battle than a game of football. Next time your kids want to watch the wrestling, take them to see these two teams play instead; it's cheaper and it's real. Three players went off injured, one with a head injury. Brilliant.

Newcastle 2 - West Ham 2

Two sides who struggled earlier in the season put in decent performances here grabbing two goals each. West Ham will do well to stick hold of Bellamy during the transfer window as he showed his quality again. Newcastle's Andy Carroll became the second player this season to score using a dodgy haircut as he headed in the equaliser sporting the 'white guy with cornrows' look.

Stoke 0 - Thieving Scouse bastards 0

Rafa Benitez made a fool of himself again this week by having a rant at Fergie for the United manager's 'Liverpool will lose their nerve' speech, just before Liverpool did indeed lose their nerve by failing to score against Stoke for the second time this season. Well done Rafa, keep it up mate.

Wigan 1 - Spurs 0

'Defoe always scores on his debut' - That comment has now been proven to be absolute bollocks. Figueroa, the Latics' left-back securing the win in injury time. Not a brilliant game, glad I dropped Defoe from my FF team.

Man U 3 - Chelsea 0

Best result of the season bar none. Chelsea are old and tired - and it shows. They got laced by the champions of the world. Vidic, Rooney and Berbatov all scoring in this comfortable win. Chelsea were shit, they didn't manage one shot on target, bet they wish Mourinhio was still the manager. The best moment of the game was definitely Drogba's imaginary shot. Threw his foot at the ball 8 yards out, achieving only the slightest of touches and a large laugh from the crowd. The one person wearing a Chelsea shirt in my local was gutted, everyone else was extremely chuffed.

Man U 1 - Wigan 0

Rooney showed he is true legend by scoring within a minute and then booking himself three weeks paid leave with a hamstring injury within six. Wigan fought back well but couldn't find a goal. Jonny Evans again showed us the future of United with another great performance. Man U sit second in the league with a game in hand; Liverpool are shitting themselves now.

Muppet of the week - Carson; all round embarrassment.

Legend of the week - Fellaini; for scoring whilst sporting an afro.

Manager of the week - Fergie; for making Benitez look like a twat, again.

My FF team for next week -

Schwarzer (FU)

Bosingwa (CH) Vidic(MU) Laursen (AV)

Valencia (WA) Young (AV) Kuyt (LI) Geovanni (HU)

Zaki (WA) Van Persie (AR) Agbonlahor (AV)

Subs - Gordon (SU - Injured) Ireland (MC Suspended) Turner (HU) Paintsil (FU)

*Please note that this is my actual FF team and not my 'Dream team' - No Liverpool player would come anywhere near that, but hey, I'm working on a budget.

The Hardcore Effect meets- The Guild: Day 2 Amy Okuda

2009-01-14T10:50:00.002Z

Today, we get the lowdown on what's what from dancer, actress and grade 1 hottie, Amy Okuda.

Amy plays feisty Tinkerballa, a character full of attitude with a healthy competetive streak.. luckily for us, she turned out to be lovely in reality.

Born in Torrance, California. Amy began dancing when she was 13 and shortly got an agent, which eventually led to appearances in television commercials, music video as a dancer, and print as a model. She has booked an array of print jobs around the globe, such as ads for Apple laptop computers, Verizon, and for Jamie Kenedy’s “Kicking it Old School.” Also in her resume are commercials such as Shoe Carnival, Japanese soft-drink company Suntory,and voice-over for AT&T. More recently she has also landed a role in the TV show “Californication” with David Duchovy. “The Guild” is her first recurring role. Amy hopes to continue her wide sphere of activity, especially in her pursuits of acting.

We fired over a short e-mail and so heres the interview.. proving conclusively that you don't ask.. you don't get. enjoy.

Hardcore effect: First and foremost, huge congrats on winning our "Best Thing On the Internet Award", we hope you are as stoked about getting it as we are about giving it to you. With all that porn out there, who'd have thought it? Anyway, how does it feel to be crowned top dogs? How will you celebrate? Because you so should celebrate.

Amy - YAY!! Me and Robin will be partying...the rest of the cast may be playing WOW.. hAHAHHAA. Jk

Throughout this interview, we'll be firing some pretty odd questions your way, we figured you'd be tired of the same old questions and so we'll do our best to keep it fresh.. like this; Its a fight to the death, we've all been there. Which cast member would win?

-me, DUH. LOL

We're sure you must get a lot of positive feedback, but as we know all too well, the net is also full of morons. How do you deal with negative comments? Do you find heavy criticism a problem?

- I actually dont read much stuff about us, because I dont think ill take the negative comments too well. haha. when we were on YouTube I made sure not to read ANY comments below the video, cause unlike my character Tink, I'm too sensitive!!!

Last Summer, we wrote a guide to being metrosexual. Clearly,we understand the importance of looking "freaky, sexy good" at all times. Who spends the longest sorting their appearance before getting down to work?

-Definitely the three boys. They are always hogging that make-up chair!! HAHA TOTALLY KIDDING

We have discovered that no story involving 14 beers and take-out food has a happy ending. Do you guys ever partake in wild parties and nights around town after shooting?

-umm, not too often but me, Robin, Sandeep, Jeff, and couple of our friends had fun one night after Blizzcon drinking and playing the game "Never Have I Ever" at the hotel. Had some good laughs there.

We once received a bit of coverage during the BBC's coverage of cricket, sparking a huge debate about baked goods, what is the weirdest thing any of you have had to do in promoting the Guild?

-Luckily, nothing that wierd. Just telling our friends and family to watch the show, you know, the boring stuff :)

Picture the scene: You book a short break to Europe, just to take sometime for yourselves, but there's a mistake and you end up in the small industrial town of Delmenhorst, famous for linoleum production. What would you do to amuse yourselves?

-Drinking age in Europe is 18 right? :)

Speaking of Europe, we'd love to hear your opinions if you've ever been our way? The Welsh once saved Ravi's life

-Aww my dream is to go to Europe!! I definitely want to visit Italy (so romantic :)), and France of course (Fashion Capital of the world!!)

You may not be aware, but you are our first guests to escape the dreaded Dangerwank question. Its on google, but we'd hate to be the source of any accidents, no-one needs another Micheal Hutchence, but less about us, who do you all take most inspiration from?

-My Dog Lola. She dominates the world. lol

Ravi, Adam and I recently started a short lived Austro-German Lounge-jazz-funk-fusion ensemble, replete with spangly jackets, keytars, handlebar moustaches and mullets. How much would you each charge, were we to approach you about appearing in a music video? We could offer all the currywurst you can eat.

-I'd love to be in a music video! im a dancer, so im all about that!!

Let's get straight to the point, you're a grade 1 hottie. Has being in the show increased the number of drooling men you've had to avoid in the street?

-OMG, I definitely don't consider myself a "grade 1 hottie" AT ALL. I think i still look like a 12 year old boy!!! But to be honest, I had the most boys chasing me around in elementary school when I thought boys were disgusting. Now that I'm actually interested in boys, not so much...lol

Your character has a rather feisty attitude. Does this kind of role come naturally to you?

-It does in a way. Dont get me wrong, I am not like Tink at all in real life (Im nice, i swear!). But Tink definitely reminds me of how I was when I was younger. I was really into sports and was really competitive, mean, and did not take crap from anyone. Luckily, I grew out of that, which is good, since i probably wouldnt have any friends if i stayed that way!

We saw you in Californication, another great show. We hear David Duchovny is taller in real-life. Is that true? How was your experience on the show?

-Oh, I didnt know people thought he was short? LOL . It was really fun, I mean I only had one line, but they gave me like my own little trailor which was exciting. Watching David Duchovny rehearse and actually work was really cool too. All we get to see on TV is the finished product, and the actors' best take, but being able to see the process the actors go through to get to that best take is really interesting.

Which member of the cast of The Guild has impressed you most?

-Well I absolutely LOVE what Sandeep does with his character, Zaboo. And the fact that acting isnt his "thing" is mind blowing (he mainly a writer, director, producer?) But I think every single cast member is great :)

Away from filming, whats your favourite thing to do to relax?

-SHOPPING. Its really bad, but i just cant help it. I need The Guild to make me more money to support this horrible and dangerous addiction. haha

What are your plans for the future? Where can we catch you on the net or TV aside from in The Guild? or is some "Amy time" in order?

-For now, some "Amy Time" is definitely in order. Im going to school at the University of Southern California full time, which takes up a lot of my time. I'm just living and loving my college years and when I graduate, then maybe I can start really concentrating on acting. I'm a film major, so I know I want to stay in the industry, whether I'm acting, or doing something behind the camera.

Kate Nash on "The Street" #3

2009-01-14T10:43:00.002Z

Yes the photos are still coming in thick and fast as working man's favourite, Kate Nash continues her relentless PR crusade to show us all how bad-ass street she truly is.

Here we see her posing with longtime friend of the blog and bongo genius, Simon Archer, outside Argos. Possibly after buying herself a thick Elizabeth Duke gold chain, sovereign ring and In-car speaker system.. although thats just speculation.

The Hardcore Effect meets: The Guild. Day 1 - Sandeep Parikh

2009-01-13T18:12:00.003Z

Over the coming days, we'll be bringing you exclusive.. if a little bizarre interviews with the cast and production team of Xbox live hit and all round top show; The Guild.

First up is Mr. Sandeep Parikh. Sandeep plays Zaboo, troubled mother's boy and borderline sex pest.

He’s primarily a writer/director. His latest creation is the Comedy Central produced webseries, The Legend of Neil which is about a guy who gets sucked into Zelda. Sandeep also founded and runs EffinFunny, a stand up and sketch comedy community. He’s currently in talks with everybody about producing everything. He’s repped at William Morris. They’re busy so don’t call. Unless its about Sandeep, then do call.

We caught up with him to find out just how stoked he is to receive our "Best thing on the internet" award.

First and foremost, huge congrats on winning our "Best Thing On the Internet Award", we hope you are as stoked about getting it as we are about giving it to you. With all that porn out there, who'd have thought it? Anyway, how does it feel to be crowned top dogs? How will you celebrate? Because you so should celebrate.

wow this exciting! i'm going to celebrate by watching all that porn out there.

Throughout this interview, we'll be firing some pretty odd questions your way, we figured you'd be tired of the same old questions and so we'll do our best to keep it fresh.. like this; Its a fight to the death, we've all been there. Which cast member would win?
hmmm... well... hmmm... we're all such weaklings in our own way, I think we'd all lose.

We're sure you must get a lot of positive feedback, but as we know all too well, the net is also full of morons. How do you deal with negative comments? Do you find heavy criticism a problem?
I play the garden state soundtrack on my ipod and have myself a "sad montage." I cry in the shower wearing my high school prom tux, watch steel magnolias, and play solitaire, stuff like that.
actually, besides hearing that have a Frankenstein head, I haven't heard all that much negative.

There are alot of differences between British and American humour, what is it, in your opinion, that bridges that chasm so well?

The British find the guild funny? woah, that's a pretty high honor. monty python, the office, your teeth, you guys invented comedy!

Last Summer, we wrote a guide to being metrosexual. Clearly,we understand the importance of looking "freaky, sexy good" at all times. Who spends the longest sorting their appearance before getting down to work?

Felicia's hair... not Felicia... Felicia's hair spends the longest time sorting her or its appearance.

We have discovered that no story involving 14 beers and take-out food has a happy ending. Do you guys ever partake in wild parties and nights around town after shooting?
we had our season two wrap party at los angeles's oldest karaoke bar, Dimples. I vaguely remember that night.

We once received a bit of coverage during the BBC's coverage of cricket, sparking a huge debate about baked goods, what is the weirdest thing any of you have had to do in promoting the Guild?

Going to blizzcon and having a fan tell me to take off my shirt so that she could see my magic carpet. That was pretty weird. I did it.

Picture the scene: You book a short break to Europe, just to take sometime for yourselves, but there's a mistake and you end up in the small industrial town of Delmenhorst, famous for linoleum production. What would you do to amuse yourselves?

linoleum production.

Speaking of Europe, we'd love to hear your opinions if you've ever been our way? The Welsh once saved Ravi's life.
I went to spain when I was sixteen with my high school spanish class. we discovered the wonders of beer in a vending machine, something that we do not have in america.

You may not be aware, but you are our first guests to escape the dreaded Dangerwank question. Its on google, but we'd hate to be the source of any accidents, no-one needs another Micheal Hutchence, but less about us, who do you all take most inspiration from?

monty python, ricky gervais, everyone in any judd apatow movie, dave chappelle, mother theresa, albert einstein, both gandhis, and jaleel white. i think i turned the question into "who in the world i'd most like to meet for lunch"
Ravi, Adam and I recently started a short lived Austro-German Lounge-jazz-funk-fusion ensemble, replete with spangly jackets, keytars, handlebar moustaches and mullets. How much would you each charge, were we to approach you about appearing in a music video? We could offer all the currywurst you can eat.
Five currywursts. I'm an awful business man considering you offered all I can eat, and negotiated myself down to five.

Thanks to Sandeep then for being a good sport and asking the judge to be lenient.

Catch up with The Guild..here;

www.youtube.com/watchtheguild
www.myspace.com/watchtheguild
www.facebook.com/pages/The-Guild/6068232341
www.watchtheguild.com: RSS!

Yet more Kate Nash on "The Street"

2009-01-12T22:10:00.002Z

Here we are again, another photo of our ghetto dwelling heroine, who is not remotely middle class by the way.

Once again proving she is conclusively from"The Street" by being on.. the street.

The Financial World Cup

2009-01-11T17:45:00.002Z

To make all this easier to digest, we've knocked up a World Championship league system, to demonstrate how lucky, or screwed your homeland is, enjoy.

If your country had abank account, this is how it'd stack up.

1) China £253 billion
2) Japan £153 billion
3) Germany £176.8 billion
4) Saudi Arabia £108.8 billion
5) Russia £73 billion
6) Norway £58 billion
7) Algeria £30.5 billion
8) Taiwan £21 billion
9) Sweden £20.9 billion
10) Hong Kong £16.6 billion
11) Venezuela £15 billion
12) Nigeria £8.7 billion
13) Korea -£7.9 billion
14) Ukraine -£9 billion
15) Australia -£33.3 billion
16) UK -£67.7 billion
17) Spain -£107 billion
18) USA -£420.2 billion*

*There is no need to panic, at this early stage think of it kinda like Bill Gates getting a large credit card bill.. no big deal. It just cannot continue forever.

Can't we all just get along?

2009-01-11T17:03:00.003Z

Have you taken a look in the news lately? I mean really, really looked? Probably not is my guess.

If we aren't being swamped with celebrity bullshit, its all doom and gloom. Either way, it would seem to us that far too many of you take it all as gospel truth. Normally, this is where I'd waffle on for hours about how all the mainstream papers are owned by rich people, and they'll never be happy with a working man's party in power.. today is no different.

We already know that Gordon Brown is boring, and if you listen to the papers you'll probably believe he is incompetent too. This is wrong. Good old Gordy cleared our National Debt some years ago, the tories were up in arms about this because.. and you may not know this, they make a lot of money out of us all being in debt, its complicated and I won't bore you with the details but I assure if you know your stuff, you'll know this is true. Anywho, you may remember all the Conservatives waving their arms around declaring that the country was screwed by the upcoming recession because we hadn't saved our money.. like the frugal Australians. Maybe not, but with our debt cleared we're in a good position contrary to what you may think.

Allow us to explain.

Mathematics is an exact science, and mathematically speaking it is an almost total certainty that America is going to go spectacuarly bankrupt. There are two clear ways out at this stage;

1) Cut all federal spending to $0 for the foreseeable future
2) Raise taxes to 69%

There may be another way out devised by someone far more intelligent than me, I certainly hope there is but basically, Mr. Bush has put his empire past the point of no return and just like the Germans, the French, the Russians and us Brits, the American's are about to suffer that worst of all fates, the fall from grace.

George has pushed the capabilities of American spending power to the breaking point, fought 2 expensive wars that have yielded nearly no return and allowed everyone to wallpaper over the cracks with an impressive sense of national pride, that I'm somewhat envious of. Chris spent six months in the US last year so we know what we're talking about when we say that the Hurricane Katrina clear-up was useless, the roads are appalling and the national pride has only made things harder.

In the automotive industry for example, while European and Japanese firms pioneered new fangled suspension and found ways of getting a million horsepower from a tiny engine, the US big 3 [GM, Chrysler, Ford] have done what they have always done. Simple, poorly built behemoths.

Sure I love those cars, but theres no escaping the fact that they are, rubbish. Still, myself and many others like me love them for their character, its sold as the American way, but that isn't enough though and with a simply huge amount of the population employed directly and indirectly in a declining motor industry, it doesn't look good.

We've been here before though, and its understandable that just about every American we know cannot stand any criticism levelled at their country, but for once, we're doing it as friends. Harsh truths are just that, harsh. How can a self-styled world superpower have such lousy education, healthcare and infrastructure?

Its lucky we don't owe them any money.. see, this is going somewhere.

Remember how everyone got super pissed when we nationalised one of our banks, while the Conservatives said they should be allowed to go bust? Remember how angry you were that YOUR money was being spent on those greedy fatcats? Goddamn it Brown! How could you?

Yet, did you consider the alternative? When anyone or any institution goes bankrupt, they have to turn their assets into money to clear their debts. Northern Rocks' assets were mortgages. Can you imagine 750,000 people all getting letters saying they had a month to pay off the rest of the money they owed on their mortgages, or else they'd be homeless?

Worse still, with 750,000 extra homes on the market, yours will go down in value. Maybe badly enough to warrant your bank asking for their money back, after all, if you stopped paying and they had to sell your house, they would find it was now worth less than they lent you. The cost of renting would skyrocket and we'd all be stuck really.

Next up are the loans requested by Jaguar and Land Rover, two prestigious British firms. Sure, bad management had got them into money trouble, but what if we didn't bail them out? We aren't talking a few thousand of their employees without jobs, we're talking steel producers, windshield makers, suppliers, tyre manufacturers.. they'd all lose the big contracts that keep them afloat. This is the same as the problem for the US, just not quite as bad.

There is a positive though, Mr. Brown is borrowing and spending again. As long as dipshit Cameron stays out of the way and the papers stop slating him for the sake of a story, the country can recover. Mr. Brown is ploughing a load of money into a new super high-speed rail network and roads that will be the envy of the world.. upshot is that when this recession is all over we're geared up to start exporting goods again, and we'll be able to do it fast, cheaper and cleaner than the other guy.

Its good news for our American pals too, with Barack Obama they are in good hands and if anyone can solve thier mess, its him. He got into power on the statement "Yes, we can".. as long as he is brave and honest enough to admit "This time, for a while at least, we just can't" and America pulls together as it has always done, there is no reason there can't be a happy ending there too.

Wherever you happen to be in the world, we wish you well during these hard times, and we'll have some funny shit coming right up..

Kate Nash.. On the street #2

2009-01-11T11:27:00.003Z

Kate continues to prove all her critics wrong. Here she displays that she is so from "the street" that she can busk without a licence. Take THAT, society!

For the record, yes, she is ginger. Contrary to what you may believe.

Twitter us!

2009-01-10T20:56:00.001Z

You can now catch up with us anytime!

http://twitter.com/Hardcoreeffect

see you there.

The Secret Adventures of Tin-Tin

2009-01-10T20:12:00.002Z

It seems the French are up in arms this week. Despite Shit cartoon creation TinTin actually being a Belgian, they have claimed him as their own and leapt to his defence after a Times Journalist implied he was a homosexual.

Not that this really matters, the only thing that ever bothered me about the show was how consistently shit it was.. just truly awful. However, not one to shy away from a fight I'd like to make our team's stance on TinTin clear. Tintinophiles as they like to be called (For the love of God.. WHY!!?!?), have taken offence at this so called slur, yet have they weighed up the evidence? This is what we do best here.. so we took an objective look.

It didn't bear well for the Belgian knobhead's legions of fans. As a team, we came to the conclusion that an androgynous, bequiffed young blonde boy with a penchant for small, fluffy white dogs, who moves into a mansion with a middle aged sailor and befriends two other inseperable men with moustaches could certainly be taken as gay. So, leave the poor journalist alone.

Certainly the two other men are in possession of quite the gayest moustaches seen in animation to date, ranking fourth on the industry standard gay scale;

1) Handlebar / porn tache
2) Gay Airline Pilot
3) Beppe Di Marco
4) Gay Detectives from Tin-Tin

For reference, the most manly of moustaches belongs to Des Lynam, behold: The Des Lynam Special;
Awesome.

Anyway, we have digressed. If you are still in any doubt over Tintin's sexual preferences, then check this out and doubt no longer. Knowledge is power people!;

Incoming..

2009-01-10T19:40:00.002Z

I'm very, very tired today. So much so infact, that I've had to reschedule a few things till tomorrow.

Yet, I feel like I'm cheating you all if I don't at least share whats incoming this week;

- We caught up with the cast of Award Winning Sitcom, The Guild, for an informal chat. See what they had to say before the restraining order was issued here next week.

- The Inaugural Hardcore Effect World Cup for Crisps

- Return of our stolen video content

- Possible return also for our Bizarre Adult Video of The Week.. its a special one.

- Why Barack Obama's job is at least three times harder than even he expected

- We find out how hard it is to find a cleaning contractor in London who'll mop up blood and fingers

- Why being hospitalised turns you into Jesus

- More Kate Nash.. on the street

- and much more that doesn't immeadiatly spring to mind right now.

We look forward to seeing you, and don't stop sending in those e-mails.

Surprise from the off!

2009-01-10T19:37:00.001Z

Before Ravi and the others have even made their predictions, Adam storms into an early lead in this Years' Celebrity Death Predictions, following news that Patrick Swayze has checked himself into hospital with pneumonia. It finished Jeremy Beadle off, but I think Swayze is made of tougher stuff and wish him a speedy recovery. You've not won yet dickhead.

Benji's Death Tips '09

2009-01-09T21:34:00.004Z

With Adam securing an early boost with the grabbing of Patrick Swayze, I felt it was time to get my pitch in before anyone else good gets stolen.

Without further ado, Here are my Celebrity Death Predictions 2009

1) Norman Wisdom .. Only a matter of time

2) Fidel Castro

3) Fats Domino

4) Muhammed Ali

5) Amy Winehouse .. although I could see her clinging on to be honest.

I don't feel this years line up looks strong, but you never do know.

Celebrity Death Preictions 2009

2009-01-09T12:00:00.003Z

Ooh, that does appear to be unlucky Mr Hardcore. You know what this means don't you? As I'm the first to publish my CDP's for this year.... I get Swayze. Not exactly in good taste, but a solid candidate none the less.

1. Patrick Swayze

2. Sir Patrick Moore

3. Barack Obama

4. Courtney Love

5. Owen Wilson

The Very Last of The 2008 Hardcore Effect Awards

2009-01-08T18:41:00.002Z

You may remember that some months ago we ran a competition to win a bunch of free shit we had blagged from companies and individuals. All those who entered, and there were more than we'd bargained for [thanks by the way] were invited to join myself and a select group to decide the grandaddy of them all.. The Hardcore Effect Best Thing On The Internet Award 2008.

This, as you'd imagine, posed a problem. For a start I wouldn't allow any gimmicky piece of crap to receive my highest seal of approval.. the obvious stuff; Youtube, Facebook, Myspace.. all out from the start. Certainly, nothing music related could take the trophy because that is shallow and predictable.

Also, no one hit wonder video could take it, there'd be no substance. It had to be something consistently good, a gift from the genius of man or womankind that just keeps on giving.

Life these days is made up of "facts" and statistics, there are some facts that are complete rubbish, such as "Wasps can smell sugar from 5 miles away" - This is plainly bollocks.. sugar does not smell. Cat's urine, as you may have been lead to believe, does not infact glow in the dark and nor is David Cameron a marxist.. although he does hold the Guiness World Record for being the first man in history to trek solo completely into his own arse.

There is one fact though, that I will share with you now, that is indisputable truth. The Guild is far and away the best thing on the internet and unless you have the business skills of a mackerel, you should be fighting tooth and nail to get your .com's name on their sponsors list.

First and foremost, if you disagree with this simple truth, you are wrong.. you may infact be a gibbering simpleton, which may explain your inability to appreciate its subtle genius. As we all know, I won't watch anything unless it has either full frontal nudity or 4 kinds of machine gun, but this is something else.

There is no large budget and no sports car chase, and as yet no explosions. I'm not going to lie and say its the best show in creation, because next time you see me you will hold me personally responsible for misguiding you.. and you may set me alight. However, the show is.. enough, just enough, and thats all it should ever be and I'll explain that remark. Put simply it has all the right ingredients, in perfect proportion.

The casting is perfect, there is no other word for it. Every member of the cast is perfect for their role, all are played exceptionally and it was agreed that were any one of them not there.. it just wouldn't work. The humour in the writing is spot on, and it has everything good humour should have - it's intelligent, perfectly timed and true.

Robin Thorsen is brilliantly entertaining and her portrayl of neglectful mother Clara is simply great, The role of Bladezz is perfect for Vincent Caso, he has the look, the attitude and the talent to play the part exactly as it should be. Sandeep Parikh is a comedy genius, his line delivery is beyond comparison and he may yet prove himself as the funniest man alive. Jeff Lewis is pure gold in everything he has been in, its a simple as that and Felicia Day holds writing talent that I will be forever in awe of. I don't wish to leave Amy Okuda out, but I have run out of positive superlatives, so fantastic will have to do, sorry.

Now if you are the sort of person who spends their evenings trawling youtube, upsetting and offending strangers, and you wish to complain about this choice.. I invite you to go away. If you see it as some sort of documentary about dysfunctional computer nerds, you have missed the point. If you don't find it funny, then you may be a German and if you can't appreciate the virtues of Felicia Day and Amy Okuda then I must advise you that while you are always welcome here, we don't generally provide access to photos of men's bottoms.

I am aware this may be construed as a bit OTT, but the agreement was reached and its clear that it is just because the show is low budget and abnormal that it becomes so refreshing and entertaining. So, we salute you Knights Of Good, just keep doing what you are doing oh so well.. but one complaint, do the episodes really have to be so short?

Check out www.watchtheguild.com right now, lest ye be cast overboard.

It begins again..

2009-01-07T17:45:00.001Z

After last years surprise successes, its time to come forward once again and do your duty;

http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/51870

thanks and much love

The Death of the PC Gamer, and why Shaun White is the saviour of the universe.

2009-01-07T16:07:00.002Z

In my younger years, I played video games purely in cartridge form. As you no doubt know, for me, the Sega Mega Drive is one of video gaming's all time greatest gifts to man. Sure it was simple, but simplicity is often also beauty. We shall come back to this part later on though.

Often in gaming simple hardware is fine, but we do like a bit of flair and thought in our games, for sure I had an Amiga to provide this, but christ it felt unwieldy and slow. Some years later I got my hands on a Playstation, followed by a Playstation 2, and again my passion for simple console gaming was reignited.

Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver, Tekken, Gran Turismo, Crash Bandicoot and Ridge Racer all provided those seminal, genre defining moments in history that sadly failed to materialise on the Sega Dreamcast. What I remember most profoundly though, was that the Playstation introduced me to the Command and Conquer series. I could while away hour after hour on that game, swearing uncontrollably, shouting incoherently at my family with regard to the threat of international terrorism and eventually bashing my 'X' button one time too many and destroying the odd control pad.

My world fell down though when I discovered that the Command and Conquer series is invariably a million times better on PC, there I said it, so too are many FPS games and if geeky simulations are your bag, then you need a PC, my friend.

This all sounds well and good, and after all you can't upgrade your consoles can you?

At this point, I converted totally and, up until 2007 infact, I gamed only on PC, and decided the communities that built up around some titles were truly epic, user created add-ons and forums full of empassioned gamers.. THIS is what gaming should be about.

Like everything though, theres a downside. I can honestly say I have NEVER owned a PC title that has allowed me to play with friends online the first time I ask it to, theres always some incomprehensible error message, a port problem, high latency or graphic error that has sucked ALL enjoyment from what should be a leisure activity. You can always contact tech support, who speak to you as if you are a moron, type a Jane Austen novel into their computers and come up with a series of solutions that simply don't work before signing off by telling you that you simply can't play your game without purchasing some kind of expensive upgrade or waiting twelve years for a suitable patch.

Then, as Counterstrike and Gears of War alike have taught us, online gaming both on and off PC, is full of idiots. Video games are about escapism, about YOU being the hero and YOU pulling off every perfect move.. fill one game with a group of people all trying to be the hero of the story and you have a recipe for gaming catastrophe. You cannot bag a kill on CS without being insulted and told you are invariably cheating and woe betide anyone who doesn't play a perfect round on GOW, because you can be certain your team-mates and opponents will not be shy in their criticism.

Once I played GOW with a raging hangover after another messy night on the town, as we know, no story involving 12 pints of Carling and a kebab is going to end well.. so I got up at midday and logged on to XBOX live, where I proceeded to play the most shockingly awful match you could ever witness and my teammates, all strangers, decided that I should not only be in better shape when log on but also that I should feel the kind of guilt that usually only war criminals would have to endure, for my performance.

This is unacceptable, my leisure time is just that, mine. I love gaming as much as the next nerd, maybe even more, but the very suggestion that your ability in game is the be all and end all is very, very wrong. I'd quite like to mess up sometimes, without being informed by an American I've never met that I must be a homosexual, quite how people can reach such conclusions is beyond me. Perhaps I am wrong though, and years of using a mouse to shoot has left me with the thumb dexterity of a horse. Yet, I'm missing the point, and this is where the simplicity argument comes in again.. during all this rage and kebab mess, I'd taken for granted that my XBox 360, the humble white box under my TV, had allowed me to game online with no fuss, no lag and no tech support.

Sure, it had just murdered Red Alert 3, but for anything else it had proved itself the superior machine when it comes to pure gaming pleasure, plus its added ability to allow only friends into your game is a perfect touch, if a little sad that ingame, the online community isn't quite as pleasant as out of game.

There is though, a cherry atop the cake, Shaun White Snowboarding. Not only a fantastic single player game.. if a little tricky at times [The Yen at the end of the rail lines in Alaska], but it is superb online because it removes many of the over competetive elements if other titles. Normally, I won't pick up a game unless it provides at least 3 types of machine gun, but as Snowboarding is one of God's greatest gifts to the kids of cool, I made an exception and found that if you take it online.. regardless of how drunk you are, the people are fun, social and respectful. Pure perfection for less than £40, who'd have believed it?

Daddy's Home

2009-01-06T17:58:00.003Z

Hey kids, I'm back, where have I been? Mind your own, besides thats irrelevant.

What is relevant is whats coming up this year;

- Why losing your mind is even more scary than being fondled by an over friendly tramp in the bus station

- Why I'm going to be chloroformed in the name of fun

- Those fucking music interviews.. finally

- Whats wrong with youtube and how we're going to fix it

- Beard growing for amateurs

- 1001 and one things related to being a man, such as guns, explosions, video games, pornography and crisps

- Definitive Hardcore Effect "print-off-cut-out-and-keep" guide to aforementioned crisps

- Why we're the 35th best blog about fatherhood you can read today

- Why Stevie Wonder will soon sue us

- Does Celery have a aplace in the aeronautics world?

- When you can see at least some of us making cameo appearances in an award winning online sitcom.

Its all here, like an Aladdin's cave of wonder, only with less sand in your pants.

Catch you in the morning, and happy new year from us all.

From the Street

2008-12-29T18:05:00.004Z

Not one to get all caught up in festive cheer, I thought I'd bring you something far more interesting.

It turns out that Kate Nash is indeed from "the street." Here she is, on "the street." I wish her well.

Santa? Santa? Who the fuck is Santa?

2008-12-05T14:35:00.003Z

Fucking Christmas eh? Call me Scrooge if you want to but you have to admit that it's just a fucking ballache. Just another excuse to go out, spend a fuckload of money and decorate your house in a load of shiny shit like a gay man gone crazy. Nobody actually believes in Jesus any more anyway, so why don't we just scrap the whole thing? I mean, there's just so many things wrong with Christmas that by the time the big day comes, you just don't give a shit anyway...

Shopping;

So, you need to buy some presents eh? Well I know, lets all rush like fucking idiots into the nearest town centre and run around the place like twats, looking for some tacky shit that no-one actually wants. Sound good to you? Nah, me neither. So why does 99% of the population feel the need to do that? So that when I go into town having carefully thought about what I'm going to buy, I can't get into a fucking shop for the thousands of dickheads bustling around in fucking Santa hats? If it wasn't for you people I'd get my Christmas shopping done in half an hour. Oh, and ladies, it's not obligatory to look at every single shelf, in every single shop. Okay? Just buy what you want and fuck off home...

'Oi you, yeah, the dick in the Santa coustume. Do one, I'm trying to buy some shit, yeah?'

Christmas cards;

I know what would look brilliant in my living room... a load of cheap-ass cards from people that I don't really know! Has anyone ever said this? No. So fuck off, I don't want one the cards that you bought in a pack of five hundred for about 25p. In fact, I'd rather eat my own face than read the generic Christmas message that you thought up in ten seconds and then replicated five hundred times.

'To Adam, Merry Christmas. Lots of love, Santa'... 'Yeah, thanks Santa, I hope that reindeer bums you. Merry fucking Christmas to you too.'

Food;

Turkey, Potatoes, Sprouts, Carrots, Parsnips, Pigs in fucking blankets. Chocolate, Trifle, Christmas pudding. If I eat all of this I'm going to die of heart faliure, so if you don't mind I'll just make myself a sandwich... You want me to sit at the table with the family? What, so you can jabber on about how brilliant Christmas is and how nice that piece of shit cardigan I got from Nan was? Piss off.

'Look, cheers for cooking all of this shit Mum, but if I wanted to be a fat bastard I'd go and eat at McDonalds every day, yeah?'

Decorations;

Let's have a competition... Let's see who can make their house look the most ridiculous by putting up a big-ass tree in the living room and throwing shiny, glowing shit at it until it's so fucking bright that everyone has to wear shades to watch TV. Then, we can see who can piss the neighbours off most by placing huge flashing lights outside, aiming them at next door's window and switching them on at 6am every single day for a month. Then, once Christmas is over, we can spend five days picking tiny pieces of glitter out of the carpet. Brilliant.

'Yeah, fuck you neighbours.'

Carol singers;

Knock knock... Who's there? A load of fucking gypsies that want me to pay them for singing some bullshit songs that I didn't want to hear in the first place. Are you taking the piss? You best had be...

'Deck the halls with boughs of holly? Why don't you jog on before I deck you, you scruffy little twat.'

Christmas films;

Great, everyones opened their presents and the Christmas dinner has been eaten. Thank fuck for that. Let's go and watch some TV... Hang on. What the fuck is this? Home alone? Oh screw you BBC. Screw you.

'Now you're really taking the piss'

BNP for the win?

2008-11-22T14:01:00.008Z

Wow, it's been a while huh? seems even we get writer's block.

The real meat of today's post is about the State of the Nation. We currently have a moderate Socialist Government, not quite socialist enough for my liking, but what do I know?

Problem is that our current government, while I've always defended it as the best of the options available to us, has a problem. Socialism has its grounding in allowing people basic freedoms, whether thats religion, sexuality or political affiliation. Recently, the entire list of members of the right-wing British National Party, or BNP, was leaked on the internet. Immediatly, party members began losing their jobs, and our liberal nation became awash with hypocrisy
.
Extreme parties, or ones with a heavy left or right leaning, have NEVER prospered in the UK, as a whole we are a moderate, tolerant society... we don't like to complain. The World sees us polite, running around with our bowler hats and tightly rolled newspapers, bursting frequently into song despite being rained on. So, why all this fuss? The BNP will never get into power, so why does it matter what their members do for a living?

Your Plumber could be one maybe;

Sad thing is, although the BNP's views oppose my own in many ways.. I could be tempted to vote for them. We're currently going too far the other way, a friend of mine is having real difficulty joining the police full time, mainly because he isn't black/asian/gay/transgender/female/ginger enough.

I sure as hell think those groups should be represented, and I love that this is the only country I've experienced where its perfectly safe to kiss your boyfriend, while wearing a leather mini dress, with a pink mohawk, while burning our flag openly on the street.. and no-one cares. Its YOUR right to believe what you wish, hell, that attitude is the envy of the world. Yet we've become so proud of our little multi-cultural melting pot, that immigrants are favoured for jobs and housing over native Brits. That just isn't right, they should have an equal shot, and not be favoured purely because they tick one of the minority boxes.

You can build the biggest house in all the land, and not pay any tax on it if you declare it a mosque.. make it a church and its time to cough up sunshine.

So you see, I COULD be tempted to vote BNP, as liberal and socialist as I am.. I'd much rather have a party in power that cares about me and my loved ones, than one that allows people who are openly plotting the downfall of our nation into government positions, and favours them for housing, jobs and healthcare, simply to keep up appearances at the UN.

Plus, to dispel any confusion, the BNP aren't all that racist. They love Americans, Europeans, Australians, Kiwis and Canadians. They don't even want to kill muslims, they simply believe that our two cultures are so different, its wrong to attempt to mix them.

Its sad to say, but in the interest of being fair minded, you have to see the logic. I can't stand wife beaters, yet in some countries, its perfectly common place to beat your wife.. to keep her in her place. Thats the attitude of a moron, and frankly, if you enjoy such activities, you should live with your own kind.. and probably have to become homosexual I'd imagine. Yet, its natural to assume that guys like me, and the wife beaters, are going to get into some.. "unpleasantness" at some stage, and thats not cool, so maybe we should agree to disagree and stay out of each others way.

Then there is the other hypocrisy, the one that Muslim Fundamentalists spout all over Al-Jazeera, ruing the good name of normal muslim folk, who I've found to be remarkably pleasant and hospitable. They sit there, denouncing the west as hedonistic and immmoral, but they always drive Toyota Land Cruisers, fire Stinger missiles and given half a chance, will shack up in the UK with a Mercedes-Benz and Satelite TV.. make your minds up.

Immoral?
Then how come you guys commited more rapes against under 16's than any other ethnic group? How moral is that? - comes the cry of the BNP, and even I'm left wondering the answer.

So there we go, even I'm a hypocrite. I love almost everyone, but even I have limits. Thats ok though, because as our governemnt has shown, you can believe what you like and work where you want.. as long as you aren't in the BNP.

but to show I haven't gone totally mad, heres some more reasons why these intolerant nutjobs, just won't get in, simply take your pick ;) ;

A pointless waste of my life..

2008-11-04T18:54:00.001Z

Today, I wasted 8 hours on a management training course, 8 hours that on my deathbed.. I'll almost certainly want back.

The majority of the course is on communication.

"What is Communication?" declares the book.. As you know, this is a very simple question with a simple answer.. except it wasn't.

Apparantly, if you smile on the phone, people can tell. Bollocks, there is no way you can tell if someone is smiling via the medium of the telephone.. you can assume from their tone that they are, but thats it.

It didnt end there, we were told that other forms of communication were body language, music and singing, braille and e-mail. Certainly they are, however, how is this dicussion relevant to managing my warehouse?

I really can't recall the last time I wrote a haiku about how our trucks were overloaded, or displayed my stock levels to the board of directors using the medium of interpretive dance.

This rubbish is exactly why the economy is slowing down so badly, we all spend too much time pissing around. I honestly swear that in the upstairs office the other day, everyone was sat on the ground, throwing and catching "The Idea Ball"..

"oooohhh.. Catch the idea ball!"

"F**k off, and while you're at it.. do some work. I'm here 52 hours a week so you can f**k around catching the idea ball. I'm off now because there will be alot more foul language if I were to stay around."

It doesn't end there.. meetings are filled with words that don't really mean anything;

Imagineering, Brainstorm, Streamlining the business..

Am I the only one who thinks this is all crap? I certainly hope not, but rest assured I wasted the trainer's time as much as she wasted mine. There was a feedback sheet, it asked "What are your aims for this training session", my list was as follows;

Indulge you and get it over with

Get home

Fill my pockets with the free sandwiches at lunchtime

I'm proud to say, I acheived them all.. maybe not such a waste after all.

Guest Content Day 2

2008-10-29T11:32:00.000Z

Today, we replace The Hardcore Effect, with The Allen and Craig Show.

Another contribution from across the water, they did a fantastic job right up until they lost the camera man.

Lets get this sorted.

2008-10-29T11:25:00.002Z

This may make little or no sense to you if you only know of our Blogspot stuff, but bearwith me.

As you probably don't know. The Hardcore Effect goes out in many forms of media, through many outlets.... this attracts a fair bit of attention and daily our e-mail inbox expands that little bit further.

Recently, our media has become an outlet for a lot of negativity.. and we aren't too cool with that.

It started sometime ago now, when we were contacted by a moron, using the name "America Superpower".. who used a message board we frequent relentlessly to slander our country and spread misinformation - for example he claimed we pay a 40% rate of tax to the monarchy, which is so stupid its beyond measure.. we do no such thing. He also went on to claim many other things. Soon he was joined by some friends, between them they caused quite abit of upset among our mainly European audience.

We love debate, so made the decision to to allow his opinions and vice-versa.. he'd eventually wear himself out. I decided EXPLICITLY that this debate was not to creep into any of my posts anywhere, and it didn't until that decision was revoked a few days ago, partly to accomodate the showing of the award winning Top Gear Special, and to allow some other posts not currently published on our blogspot page for the time being, to bolster the defence of our home nations in the face of blatant racism.

We, of course, did what we thought best, and have now upset a portion of our American audience. This goes against the whole point of these projects. Our rule is to generally direct all controversial statements and views toward large social phenomenon and faceless institutions. We do not tolerate personal or racial attacks. So with immediate effect, our monthly topic [America] is being withdrawn, which is a first. Partly due to our British audience being unable to rise above a petty minded moron's small views without equally disgusting retaliation, and partly due to our American audience's inability to accept any criticism of their country even in the face of the large amount of positvity we discovered. There, we shared the blame equally. You are both as bad as each other now PLAY NICE!

The point of any of our topics is to be objective. It was just as important to point out the flaws as it was to point out the good things. We have no sponsorship for a reason.. so we are impartial with no vested interest. We don't care if you come here or go there on your vacation, as long as we have given a fair view.

So, lets put this unpleasantness behind us and press on. While we sift the 3,469 e-mails we have in the inbox at the moment, mainly advertising new and unique ways to increase the size of your penis. I'm under orders to point out the root of this issue. Some just might say I got the rough end of the deal.

All this trouble stems from a mutual jelousy. We envy Hollywood, you envy our music. We envy your contemporary culture, which oozes cool, you envy our rich history. We envy your cars, you envy ours.

Behind the scenes our two lands get on famously. American military technology saves British lives daily, don't get me wrong.. we're tooled up something rotten, but when it comes to getting the most bang for your buck, the US does it fantastically well. On the flipside, American Generals display a HUGE preference for working with British soldiers.

The Royal Marine Commandos and Paras are in huge demand, needing only a small army for a small island we are notoriously picky. I got kicked out despite passing all the training purely because I may or may not lose too much weight on operations, one guy got kicked out over a knee injury when he was seven. We have the longest and most intense infantry training in the world.The SAS is still rumoured to have never lost a man. So, we complement each other perfectly.

You have mad guns, we have mad skills. Its a thing of beauty.

As I was told in training.. "There's nothing like being with friends, meeting new and interesting people from a foreign culture.. and shooting them."

Our cultures each fill voids in the other's, we share a lot of common history and ancestry. So enough is enough, the message threads are closed and the guilty from both sides are being dealt with by the board admins.

That is all.

Preparation is the key

2008-10-28T15:31:00.004Z

Despite a serious slowdown here, our readership is on the up. Sadly, we're all rather busy with University, being drunk and preparing for our 2 hour video special in December. So, we'll be passing you on to some equally intelligent people who'll be stretching our usage up with videos and the like and answering your questions.

Today's video comes courtesy of Scott, via his youtube show, with extra commas and added questions, to you, from the US, in reference to the previous post which caused so much approval/mild disgust.

The Ocean is not the only Barrier

2008-10-22T19:29:00.004+01:00

I like Americans.

I especially like Canadians.

I'm not so fond of France, as was once said "France, like Wales, is a beautiful country.. ruined completely by the people who live there."

Yet, in the past week I've found myself siding with the Frenchies more than Id perhaps expect, because it seems that any debate I get into with most North Americans.. no matter how eloquent, politely voiced and correct my opinion.. results in a barrage of misguided anti-european rhetoric and constant, over-inflated claims of saving Europe.

"We saved your asses in the war!" is one of my favourites, whenever I gain the upper hand in any dispute.. this is the big gun that is always wheeled out by every ignorant moron and narrow-minded simpleton who ruins the reputation of the vast majority of North Americans who have a brain.

It annoys me for a few reasons, namely ; 1) Its a very big and arrogant claim to make, 2) The person making the claim was invariably not involved in said conflict and 3) Its not really true.

However, I'm not going to get drawn into another debate with people who receive all their history lessons courtesy of their DVD player. I'm here instead to instill that most British of traits, Tolerance.

One chap only today decided to let rip on the subject of my country.. a place he has niether visited nor lived in. Claiming the UK is "A huge welfare state".. I can tolerate that comment.

I tolerate it because I am safe in the knowledge that its not true, we have some of the highest levels on employment in the world, and the very highest standards in literacy. British made industrial and engineering components have the lowest rejection rate from their customers of any on the planet.

I'm always told that we rely on American investment, technology and protection.. again not true.
We invented the jet engine, the scramjet, radar, the television, the internet, the railroad, James Bond, the hovercraft, Depth charges, the bouncing bomb, Disc brakes, electromagnets, the electric motor, the fax machine, holography [holograms], Penicillin, Australia, the periscope, polyester, the submarine and most importantly, toilet paper.

We had the largest empire in the history of the planet, containing 1/4 of the world's population and 1/3 of its land surface.

We got the Zulu nation to surrender in around 30 minutes.. the shortest war in history. All the cruise missiles in the world didn't scare Saddam enough to wave his white flag at that rate.

Yet, we don't keep going on about it.

As much as I love Americans, you have made cheap cars that won't turn corners, used the movie U-571 to claim you captured the enigma coding machine from the Germans- when it was actually us, lost in vietnam, held the olympics and chosen to broadcast your most ignorant of views on the world while being home to possibly the largest proportion of non-passport holders in the world.

All this in itself isn't so bad, but the problem is.. like us in Britain, your period of dominance in the world is at an end. It's Chinas turn next.

Forget Russia and the US as the world's superpowers, its going to be China and the European Union. Economically, you are in a serious mess. On the foreign policy front, you are hopelessly ignorant, and unbelieveably arrogant.

This behaviour cannot continue because your time at the top of the tree is over. So, let's stop the unpleasantness, yeah?

.. and we're back

2008-10-21T15:33:00.001+01:00

Hey all, I'm pretty much recovered now, so as from tomorrow, its business as usual.

cheers

Down with the sickness

2008-10-16T13:59:00.001+01:00

Hey people!

long time, no see. I do apologise for this but, as you can tell by my suitably rocknroll reference above, I'm spectuacuarly unwell.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible

much love

Blogger's choice awards

2008-10-08T17:10:00.002+01:00

With two weeks to go, our assault on the Blogger's Choice Awards is going spectacuarly well considering we're up against blogs that have been going since the dawn of blogging time.

Despite the numerous e-mails we've had stating that it seems impossible to sign up and vote for us, we currently lie in 35th place [out of serious Thousands] in the "Hottest Daddy Blogger" category, despite not one of us being fathers. This is fantastic!

So, we need, at an estimate, an additonal 200 votes to win the category. That would of course SERIOUSLY piss them off, and would be a nice little "fuck you" for making it so complicated to vote. We believe the sign up issue is resolved, so recruit your friends, neighbours, families and co-workers and lets uphold the motto of The Hardcore Effect;

"Making A Mockery Of Everything You Stand For"

So, get over to - http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/51868 right now, and make the difference. Prove that expanding into The Experience Project wasn't stupid, that beer on your breakfast cereal is not insane and that awards about blogging are a total waste of time.

We will love you forever for it.

Plus as extra incentive, if we win the category we will release a christmas album of cover songs chosen by you, for free. Hows that float your boat?

Simplify, man!

2008-10-07T12:32:00.000+01:00

After yesterdays simplified look at Politics, my love of simple things has extended yet further to other areas of life.

Sadly, my annoyance has too.

Why can't everything in life just be plain and simple? I must try in future to keep all my posting as simple as possible to allow the maximum audience enjoyment I think.. in a time of universal deceit, simply telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.. and I'm a revolutionary, baby!

Is it beyond the realms of human ingenuity to simplify the small print on a credit card commercial?, just to give people a fair shot at figuring out if its wise for them to get one [It almost never is for the record] would make life so much more pleasant for people.
Complications ruin life, nowehre more so than technology. Daily you or I may come to our computers, push the switch and expect everything to work. This way of thinking is probably ok, if you apply it to say, a new car. When does a new car ever break down? Hardly ever, thats when.We have been reduced to seperating "good" and "bad" cars on very minor details, but with computers its a totally different situation.

Modern computers are far more powerful than ones that have been sent into space aboard the space shuttle, things can..a nd will go wrong. This in itself is not the end of the world, but you can see it from there.

This because it's not the breaking that pisses us off, its the inability to diagnose or repair said malfunction in 90% of cases without aid. Why is that? Needless complexity I'd say. Now, I'm not for one minute saying we should make simple computers out of organic peace wood and bits of beard, I'm saying we need to reign in the people who make and program them. The computer nerds.

Think about it, when your computer gets the blue screen of death, or displays some indecipherable text about "General Protection Fault xx000.110.020xx" or "Illegal Operations" then promptly bursts into flames, you must remember that some imbecile knows what the problem is and must then have written the text you just read. The fault could be repaired in some cases by as little as tinkering around in Control Panel.. but does it ever tell you that?

"General Protection Fault xx000.110.020xx" could, in all probability mean "Theres a bit of dust in the graphics card slot, give it a blow and all will be well". They KNOW what these faults are, but they NEVER tell you? why is that?

Then theres the case of my previous computer, which would, whenever it felt inclined, switch off. I would switch it back on, only fo ti to condescendingly inform me that appear to have shut down my computer incorrectly and would I like to view the help file? Why?!?

Well, I suspect, its revenge. These are the people whom you probably teased a little in your youth, for sitting alone, in the dark, in a basement, on World of Warcraft, Masturbating over a level 70 mage in a bikini. This is their revenge. They have made this perplexing technical language, then a help system that doesn't work, purely so you have to rely on them. So your life is inconvenienced purely for some poorly thought out and underserved abuse you may or may not have dished out them in high school.

If you didnt go to the prom with the spotty ginger kid, its YOUR fault too. He's probably now in charge of programming your ipod, which is now going to break for no real reason. That'll teach you.

So, I've had a brainwave. Hardcore OS. Forget windows, forget linux and forget Mac OS, we need an OS for the people, by the people who can be arsed to learn how to make it.

Just think how much better and cheaper your life would be if instead of "General Protection Fault xx000.110.020xx" you got, "look, I'm a bit warm, switch me off for an hour or so, alright?".

That would just cut out the waiting on the phone for the tech support guy to inform you that you are infact, a simpleton. Just a thought.

The Hardcore Guide to Politics

2008-10-06T19:23:00.001+01:00

With all the political turmoil going on these days, I thought it was about time your old uncle Benji lifted the fog a little on the basics of politics.

The first thing anyone must remember is that despite what you see in the news and what is said in the paper, you have to look past it. Try and think about who wrote the article, filmed the piece or who owns that particular media outlet, I assure you they'll con you if it gets the result thats best for them.

So, lets strip all the crap away and look at it at a basic, bullshit free level.

ANARCHY
We'll start with anarchists, for some reason, probably the PR machines of the other political factions, when people think of anarchy they think of disorder and street violence. Anarchy is actually the principle that people should be allowed to govern themselves without the interference of a central government. No Tax - Good, No Corporations - Good, its all looking pretty good so far, but remember without an interfering central government, who'll bother to build roads, build an dstaff schools and hospitals? I'm sure anarchists have a solution for this, but I am not aware of it, and I'd urge you not to judge it purely on my portrayal.

COMMUNISM
Communism, like socialism and anarchy, is a political system that has undergone a massively successful character assasination campaign by western governments and corporations. Often confused with Stalinism [which as we all know isn't very nice], Communism actually works on the tenet that everything becomes property of the state. In very simple terms, If there were ten people in a country, those ten people would each be given a 1/10th share of all the companies and factories in the land. In actuality it doesn't quite work like that, but the base principle is that if these things are in the hands of the people rather than a group of obscenely wealthy business men, Fair wages will be paid, which results in greater job satisfction.. and if you are making butter, for a state controlled [owned by all the people] butter company, and you are going to have to buy the end product, you'll be damned if its going to be anything less than the greatest butter in the world. It doesn't outlaw being rich as such, but its a system that attempts to keep the differecnes between rich and poor as small as possible so that everyone is comfortable. there has only ever been ONE TRULY communist government.. in Chile.. and it worked so well that the CIA are reputed to have been assigned to bring it down. Can't have that on the doorstep of capitalism can we?

SOCIALISM
Socialism, again like Commnism, gets a lot of bad press. Its seen as somehow "Unpatriotic" to be a socialist. Yet, lets be fair, you are probably reading this in a western country, ruled by a government of rich men who are privately educated. They'll be damned if they are going to let you get big ideas and sweep their cushy lives from under them.
The vast majority of people are Socialists [Einstein and Martin Luther-King included], even if they don't think they are, they do reguarly claim to be in favour of what are basic Socialist policies. Socialism stops a bit shorter on the money front than Communism. Its ok to earn a good solid wage. They agree that a rocket scientist should be paid more than the lady who brings the tea.. what Socialists believe is that the tea lady, regardless of her place or circumstances of birth, should have the same opportunity to become a a rocket scientist if she so chose. If shes bad at it? ok, but at least she was allowed to try and wasn't kept out of the best schools purely because Daddy couldn't afford to make a "donation".

LIBERALISM
Again, a bit less Socialist than Socialism, but basically the same. The problem with all the left wing philosophies is that they believe there is goodness and intelligence in everyone. So this is how we end up with murderers being taken out of prison to learn to be a carpetner, and young offenders get taken to disneyland because they aren't bad, just neglected. They are generally in favour of immigration, and see the world as one big community. Somewhat soft on crime and in favour of political correctness.

CONSERVATISM
Now we enter right wing territory. Conservatives, are in favour of big business. They like immigration, but won't admit to it, they like it becasue if a country has a large pool of labour available to fill jobs, the rich people who vote for them won't have to pay such high wages. Google Margaret Thatcher and you'll get the picture of how this works, or see my blog entitled "David Cameron is a Penis". They sell themselves on nationalism and pride. There is a clue to their intentions in their name.. Conservatives.. They are wealthy, and they want it to stay that way. Here in England, they take the police off patrol in poor areas, tried to remove our right to free healthcare because their rich friends can afford to go private and don't much care for funding everyone elses healthcare, attempted to convince us that the introduction of a minimum wage would bankrupt companies and result in mass unemployment. What is also true is that they have been receiving cash donations for their respective campaigns.. from a series of dodgy people, many of whom are heavily linked to the current global economic crisis, in that they caused it and got very, very rich off our misery.

However, if you are quite well off or own a business, I can totally understand if you vote this way. I sympathise too, many of these people have lived privilged lives and so can't relate to us poor folk. I do understand how people are duped into voting this way, I also understand why people would choose. Again, remember I am being a bit biased becaus eof my families usffering under this kind of government.. do some impartial research.

FACISM
Finally, we arrive in the land of the fascist. Hitler was a prominent fascist, as was Mussolini. They harbour a strong "Us & Them" Mentality. Hitler, despite being Austrian, believed that Germany was for Germans.

He later loosened this and like most modern Facists, believes in a "European Brotherhood". Ranging in intensity from a mild refusal to co-operate with non white/non christian countries, to full on ethnic cleansing a la the holocaust to keep Europe "pure".

If you were German, to be honest, Hitler did alright for you. He promised jobs, he made them, he invented the Volkswagen Beetle, the Autobahn and alot of military tactics still used today. He united Germans and despite my hatred for the man, I have to say, he did a good job in Germany all round. It was his intolerance that caused most of his problems.

In summary, do a bit of research and use your common sense. As much as it may be tempting to read a holocaust denial piece written by a man who claims Australia is a fictional country, use your brain and realise thats just mental.

Look into who truly has the best intentions, and not who kisses the most babies.

oh, and one last piece of advice, just let me clear some jargon;

Tax Cuts - sound nice, actually aren't. They may give you 1p back out fo every pound you earn, but if you earn £100 a week, you are only £1 better off. Yet if you earn £20,000 a week.. well you get the picture

Cuts to public spending - Ermm.. sounds good again, saving money? lower taxes, right? well this is actually the area where you WANT to be spending money. Public spending is hospitals, schools, the police, the army. Don't forget that.

Finally, good luck, its a jungle out there.

Bitches be crazy..

2008-10-02T12:14:00.002+01:00

For those of you still unaware, it seems more than likely that we'll be appearing live on Blogtv this December for two hours of interactive fun and frolics.

One of the topics I've been considering is crazy exes, I've had my fair share and it seems when it comes to downright insanity the ladies in our lives have the edge.. only just though.

We'd like you to e-mail us your crazy ex story, and the best will win something lovely and probably alcohol flavoured.

At this point I was going to share a story I'd heard recently about one particular female beserker that will probably blow all of yours out of the water, but its such good material I'm going to need it for the live show frankly, Instead I'm going to inspire you with a story I saw in a magazine some time ago.

Basically, the author was out on a date with his partner, he already had his doubts about her mental stability, after enduring the oh-so-original lying about being pregnant situation - the emotional crutch of all true mentalists - I digress however, at some point in his evening a small disagreement broke out between the happy couple and he decided it was best to go home and stop his lady causing a scene.

She followed him outside, where she kicked his shins while screaming at his like a twisted banshee, before lunging forward and taking a huge bite of his nose.

She then faked some tears, wiped his blood all over her face and ran into the nearest bar playing the old damsel in distress card, cue a line of large men who would all like to be the hero [and sleep with her afterward], pouring out intent on breaking the young chaps legs.

He made a quick escape and she never came home, although he goes on to say that she does still phone his mother claiming to be his wife.. which is nice.

So, c'mon, don't be shy. Send your craziest ex stories to Hrdcoreeffect@live.co.uk, or simply comment below.

There could be a little somthing in it for you.

Writer's Block

2008-10-01T16:02:00.003+01:00

Aside fromthe fabulous work going on for Lancashire Music Fortnight, it would seem I have truly nothing to talk about.

Nothing epic has happend of late and nor has there been anything really worth complaining about. I have sat down and tried to update but in this wonderful modern world I've found nothing but distraction.

I come to my computer ready to blog, and chew the end of my pen a bit, then I'll disappear and make a coffee only to sit down again and decide I could really go for a slice of pizza. Compete with pizza I return to find I'm still stuck, so I'll play some angry music but still nothing comes and I just start mentally wandering.

Writing online is a literal minefield, there so many other things to do beside blogging. I could finally play Joe at C&C 3, log onto monster.co.uk and see if there are any jobs going at the zoo or how much a lumberjack earns, I can change Frampton's CV so it states that his previous job was "Gary Glitter's PA", I can chat to strangers, book a thai ladyboy for a bit of laugh or enjoy a near unlimited amount of photos and videos of naked ladies.. the biggest distraction of them all.

I would say that one in every 3 ladies over the age of 17 has uploaded some sort of self-shot pornograhic material.. they have to have done, look how much there is. I was rather naively under the impression that Imagefap.com was entirely for sharing photo albums with friends, it has in actuality become a depository for young ladies naked party photos, and you never see the same girls in any two photos. You must all be naked the minute my bloody back is turned!

Imagefap tried to downplay it at first, but a recent change to the site now proudly boasts of the epic number of amateur porno shots it hosts. I bet your logging on now aren't you? I also have strong suspicion you will encounter someone you know on there, you simply must do. Theres only 6 billion of us in the world and there seems to be far more photos than that.

The men in some of these photos are disgustingly lucky really, and all this begs a question, how come I've never encountered these people?

Bollocks.

Put a donk on it!

2008-09-30T21:13:00.001+01:00

Hey people, sorry that the big update I promised hasn't materialised yet, I will do it at some point, I'm just a bit lazy like that....

Back to the roots.

2008-09-26T12:23:00.002+01:00

I really have been neglecting our roots here recently haven't I? For shame!

The Hardcore Effect was founded, by Team Well-Safe, to set the world to rights, keep the writers in beer and women [or Hollywood actors it would now seem] and generally teach the middle class white people of the world how to keep it real.

It was all about finding things to get angry about, blogging them, then getting immeasurably drunk at the weekends and rocking out. Interviews with us in magazines such as "Practical Pimping" were commonplace. I rocked long hair, baggy pants and a wide stance. I enjoyed a varied sex life with drunk strangers, and being with people whose company I enjoy.

Thanks, however, to things like The Daily Mail and David Hasselhoff, alot of the fun has been removed from my posts of late and I've become so concerned with curing the world's social maladies that I have completly forgotten about "keeping it real with the homeboys", to coin a phrase.

How shall we remedy this? Simple, I shall take it back to the roots by getting drunk at some point, complaining to my local council about some flowers and using Kabbyo's dyspraxia as an excuse to cop a feel, as I would have, circa 2005.

Word.

I Need Sleeeeeep...

2008-09-26T03:35:00.000+01:00

Just to show that I don't only think of the lighter things in life (Viggo Mortensen and sex) all the time, I've decided to write about a topic I feel (kind of) strongly about, especially since I haven't slept in about 47 hours. It's a miracle I can still type right.

Growing up in the suburbs of Toronto taught me many things. Mainly that the only thing worse than the suburbs are the people who actually like living in them. I also learned a lot about the lengths people would go to to make their lives interesting. Not that I blame them, but if anybody should be self-mutilating, it's the parents whose subjected to several hours of Chiodos after coming home from a hard day at work (they work at an insurance firm. Everyone works at an insurance firm because it's the suburbs.)

Anyways, where I lived, all the cool kids had therapists. You needed either an acronym disorder (ADD, OCD, ADHD, etc, but you could fake it), a rough family life (again this was the suburbs, so nobody's parents actually beat them. They were just "so, like... shallow and stuff.") or an atrocious taste in music to make it in The Island.

Personally, I got the short end of the stick disorder-wise. I had/have dyspraxia, which isn't as cool as it sounds (and that's saying a lot because it doesn't sound cool at all.) It just meant I fell down a lot, couldn't do sports very well and had really bad handwriting. Instead of a therapist, I got a speech therapist (which incidentally isn't very high up on the social ladder), and a psychiatrist. 4 years, and all they'd told me is that I'm mature which I know for a fact is shit. I've woken up up in a velour cat suit and a tye-dye training bra ("Gollum as a Prostitute" in the catalogue) more times than I can count (after a few stiff drinks.) Needless to say, I'm not mature at all, so that was a waste of a lot of time and money but hey, it got me out of math.

What I'm trying to say is, if generally being clumsy and bad penmanship is a disorder, then we're all fucked. The only problem I ever had was the injuries sustained from falling down a lot, and the painkillers that followed. But eventually, they're going to find a "cure" for this involving pills and seratonin and brain changing things. Call me paranoid, but they're going to take over the world via Ritalin or something and everything's going end in a haze of 1984, Cat's Cradle, Horror-sci-fi, and Stanley Kubrick movies (not Lolita, I liked that one). Or maybe communism. I don't really know what I'm talking about anymore.
Shit, insomnia makes me sound like a Scientologist.

So many stacks of paper... no bloody time.

2008-09-25T13:06:00.002+01:00

I am truly astonished how much work I've got done recently for this "tome of wisdom", so to speak.

I am also astounded how little of it I've managed to type up and post, I have enough material for over a month I'd say, but with work and my becoming 22 in the last week, I've just had no time to share it with you, and for this I apologise. I'm working 13 hours today, I'll try and begin my clearance tonight, but don't hold your collective breath.

Book review: Angela's Ashes

2008-09-23T17:44:00.003+01:00

Actually this isn't a book review at all- just a celebration of this book's time capsule quality, as it contains quaint Irish pearls of wisdom that you probably wouldn't hear on the streets of Limerick any more:

"You want another piece of bread? Bejesus- next thing you'll be wanting an egg as well"

"Tis not a thing in the world that beats a fine feed of milk and apples"

"I like the look of that waitress. Maybe later we'll go back to my house and have the excitement together."

"Ahh come now. As long as you've got your health, a good head of hair and shoes what have you got to complain about?"

"You've got the filthy hair of a presbyterian"

I reckon this is how all book reviews should be: just a list of amusing and occasionally made-up quotes. Try using the above phrases in your local Irish pub. In there's one thing they'll love it's an English guy who can do a good Irish accent...

Happy Birthday to Mark, Danny, Phil and ... Me!

2008-09-22T15:30:00.004+01:00

I am now officially old, but on the bright side other people who are now 22 include

Mark - 10/09

Danny - 17/09

and Phil - 22/09 [..but we aren't twins]

Happy respective Birthdays chaps!

oh..and happy birthday in advance to Charlie for tomorrow. Have fun.

Its time to reveal all

2008-09-22T15:10:00.003+01:00

Hey! you're back! I suppose then you'll be wondering what it is exactly that we've got up our sleeves, well allow me to enlighten you.

We hate a lot of things here at The Hardcore Effect, greed being a major one of those hates, another being our epic lack of funding and another being our equally epic lack of advertising and promotion.

We now have a solution of sorts.

You will remember from school, or the day itself if you are in that time of life, that the good old USA landed on the moon..conspiracy theories aside. This has given them the delusion that the moon is now their property, in the same way that the artic belongs to Russia.. in that it fucking doesn't. As such they have set about planning moon bases and allowing companies to sell real estate on the moon, but how and why has it become theirs to sell? You can no more own the moon than you can own the air in my lungs, yet you can now buy yourself area on the surface of the moon which is said to be expected to rocket in value once building commences there, which is.. bollocks.

They are obviously selling the parts they view as unfit for development. duh!

Also, this is clearly an infringement of the rights of a Sovereign state.. as you'll remember I am in actuality the Prime Minister of the Moon, but we'll disregard that because I've claimed ownership of something else. The Hardcore Effect now owns the moons of Jupiter.. all of them.

I have deeds to that effect and everything, are they legal? Well, no more or less legal than your certificate to ownership of land on the moon.. but a million times more interesting because of the suspicion that there is water on Io.

So, to solve our aforementioned problems and to take advantage of humanity's greedy nature we are selling the moons of Jupiter. Why buy a square foot when you can own a whole planetoid?

Theres nothing to say we can't, I've checked. So check out Ebay later tonight where we'll be starting our auction for some of the hottest, out-of-the-way and affordable real estate in the galaxy.

Told you it was astrange one, clearly our genius is again underestimated. Happy bidding!

Something Strange..

2008-09-21T16:49:00.002+01:00

.. is still happening.. just a bit later than we expected due to something else strange happening.

Not long now.. we promise.

Something...

2008-09-21T03:58:00.002+01:00

... absolutely fucking mindblowing will happen, next Friday.
Okay, that's not true, but I didn't want to be the only one who wasn't having insane amounts of fun.

On another note, if anybody happens to have a place to live in New York that they're willing to rent out to 3 girls and a transgendered fish (all of whom are desperately broke, but talented in their own way), then hit me up.

Something strange...

2008-09-19T21:54:00.009+01:00

.. is coming tomorrow.. Do NOT miss my update.

I assure you, its probably the LAST thing you'd expect us to be doing, and it is GENIUS...

Happy International Talk Like A Pirate Day

2008-09-19T21:54:00.005+01:00

Avast ye treacherous dogs!

Today be International Talk Like A Pirate Day.. seriously, google it.

So enjoy this, the holiest day in the hardcore calender.. lest we make ye walk the plank..

Arrr!!!

Below is a list of our Top 5 Pirates, see if you agree;

1- Captain Jack Sparrow - Drunk

2- Captain Morgan - Mildly spiced and somewhat distracted.

3- Captain Hook - Idiot

4- Captain Birdseye - Frozen

5- Random Bus Driver - Practically a pirate, Plunders your Gold. Miserable bastard.

David Cameron is a cock... and so are you.

2008-09-17T15:08:00.004+01:00

I'm writing today about a very simple concept, but its one that is fast escaping the thoughts of many in the country.

If you earn less than thirty grand a year, you have to accept that the Conservative party don't want your vote.. in fact they don't even like you very much.

You are below them, a grasping, work shy, lowlife. They despise you in the same way I despise coleslaw. Most of our readers will be too young or absent minded to remember what the last tory government did, so lets have a little recap.

Firstly, all their mates are wealthy enough to afford private healthcare, so, they decide that because the people who vote for them don't use the health service, they don't much want to pay for it. So, they deliver a lovely big tax break for the rich and take medical care away from the poor by starving the NHS are cash.. then.. they announce that the NHS doesn't work, and so can be scrapped.

Next, they take the police out of poor areas, to police the rich areas, showing the upper classes that their vote counts, while leaving the rest of us in a whole pile of shit. They announced that the introduction of a minimum wage would result in 30 million unemployed, becasue their rich mates who employ us all couldn't afford the wage bill.. evidently this is bollocks because here we are more than ten years later, and unemployment isn't ranked in the top ten things ruining the country today.

During the rule of Maggie T. unemployment was massive and employers could shit onto their employees from a vast height, and get away with it. The Tories responded by saying that the epic number of unemployed people could be attributed to an epic number of people who just didn't want to work.

They truly believe they ahve risen from a life of poverty, improved themselves and become successful. Theya lso believe that ANYONE can do this if they work hard enough. Clearly this is stupid, and their views on education prove it.

Most working class, and many middle class, families didn't have access to university. I would say that out of all my friends who are university educated, there isn't one I could say with complete conviction, would have received that education, at the same quality, under the conservatives.

The real issue is that you are all listening to the papers about everything bad thats going on, who blame it all on poor old Mr. Brown. Lets strip away the bullshit a moment and remember that this guy is the best chancellor we've had in living memory, the economy was in rude health under his guidance and the current recession is just an inevitable trough after a massive peak. he also takes the blame for many things that the Tories or Tony Blair decided, remember, it takes a fucking long time for things to be done in politics.

Tory councils don't spend their cash, [or waste it as here in Garstang on stupid floral displays] then claim that labour is obviously not working. Tory ruled areas starve Labour councils of cash, and claim the same thing again.

Its time to be big enough to admit you are a bit of a simpleton and you've formed an opinion purely to say you have one, and for the love of god don't vote Lib Dem.. did you hear the stuff they came out with the last few days? I thought not. Its a near certainty that if you are reading this, the only party that gives a stuff about you is Labour, and as imperfect as it is, and stupid as it sometimes seems, its far better than any of the alternatives.

Theres a simple reason for this, many in Labour are from working class families and have strong ties to worker's unions that were screwed over reguarly by Mrs. T. I don't blame the tories for being the way they are, they were brought into a life of privilege, and that can't be changed any more than my upbringing can, but working class upbringing allows you the see and experience the greatest suffering there can be in a first world country, you gain a sense of social responsibility far greater than any middle class white kid could. You know the consequences of political actions, you've seen and felt and suffered under them. We outnumber the privileged, and its not yet the end of our time. The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few.

Coming Sunday...

2008-09-16T12:30:00.002+01:00

What is the fastest thing on land?

Stevie Wonder's Speedboat... but the second fastest thing is the rate of fire on our inappropriate question gun which will be aimed squarely at Preston's premier indie band, Mindshock, on Saturday night.

Catch up with us Sunday, after a drunken night with the band in The Mad Ferret, where we will give you their views on just about everything that matters.

Keep it here.

The Hardcore Tour Update

2008-09-15T15:06:00.002+01:00

The Hardcore Tour marches on with Adam away till this weekend, my ranting on France are almost complete so that will at least provide some solid subject matter as we enter the cold[er] and rain[ier] season here in Blighty.

On another, our flagship stop in Stockholm is probably going to be postponed until June/July next year. Why? Well, it has come to my attention that not only will postponing it mean we have a larger entourage with us to show the swedes how to truly party (naked with champagne, random acts of violence and kebab eating), but we will also coincide with some beer flavoured festivals, that rare Swedish occurance known as daylight, a kick ass sing-along party and we can guarantee enough funding to make the resulting vids and rantings far more worthwhile.

I'll be back before midnight with a piece for you, patience is a virtue.

A sad case of events

2008-09-14T12:15:00.002+01:00

It is almost the middle of September now, and not one of our celebrities has had the common courtesy to drop dead. This also means that with Kabbyo being the only one left to give us her predictions, she could snatch a late victory with her access to more up-to-date celebrity health news - easily viewable in either "Big Brother: After the Surgery" or the ever popular periodical - "Celebrity Thrombosis Weekly".

Perhaps its time to spike the punch at a top awards ceremony? Already, Ravi's competetive streak has him camped outside Paul Daniels' house with a rifle and only yesterday I mailed Fats Domino a recipe for one of Mike v.2.0's drinks, that if followed correctly, should see him go blind and drop dead within four minutes.

Fingers crossed eh?

Hey

2008-09-13T22:08:00.000+01:00

Hey peeps. Big update on the way when I get back. Be prepared...

Birmingham Beer Festival

2008-09-13T14:29:00.002+01:00

I know I know- BIRMINGHAM beer festival, BIRMINGHAM folk festival...I've been spending an unhealthy amount of time in our second city recently. Obviously any event that takes place in Coventry is automatically far superior, but we should still support the Brummies in their efforts to be as cool as us, even if they fail miserably...

The Birmingham Beer Festival, held in Aston uni students' union showcased over 80 real ales and ciders, as well as a book sale and a tombola. Wahey! We're in 1974! No strippers though...
Here are a few of the pint-sized highlights:

Dark Star Espresso- good for keeping you awake. Aftertaste of burnt log.

Brewdog Tokyo Imperial Stout- packs some punch at 12%. Apparently is used as part of Japanese ritual suicide.

Church End Mango- John Smiths that had been mixed with mango juice in a drunken frenzy. Not a pretty result.

Windie Goat- not as goatey as I'd hoped for.

Hornbeam Horns & Halos- very horny indeed, but the taste comes and goes like John Leslie

Grindleton Hairy Fairy- everyone was too self-conscious to ask for this one

Roger's Old Trouser Snake- ...and this one

It would have been nice to have had more beers with topical names. Large Hardon Collider Ale? Gordon's Credit Crunch Stout? Bishop's ASBO? I took the plunge and joined CAMRA but unfortunately they only had large t-shirts left. "You'll grow into it" chuckled the brummie ale-buff who gave it to me. Maybe CAMRA membership will eventually lead to mild obesity. At least the t-shirt would fit...

The Collected Works of Benji Hardcore - Genius, Renaissance Man, Quick to anger

2008-09-11T14:18:00.004+01:00

After all these months and years of regularly reminding you that I am, infact, a genius, I thought it was about time to start massing my collective works within this site to allow quick reference for when your kids' kids have to study me and my genius in school, after I'm dead.

I've already brought you The Hardcore Theory, which proves I earned my Phd in "being wonderful" and my doctorate in "bringing sexy back", I also have 3 GCSEs in erotic Massage, but what next?

Well, today I've decided to unveil one of my boldest statements ever, and simultaneously answer some deep, profound questions that have plagued mankind since the dawn of the civilised world. As we no doubt all know, the CERN laboratory in Switzerland has built a LHC [Large Hadron Collider], which is nothing to my FLHC [F**king Large Hadron Collider], but I will not steal their thunder. They say that when they begin full particle collisions on the 21st of October, they will learn some of the deepest secrets of the universe, others say they will forma series of black holes which will slowly and painfully pull us all apart molecule by molecule in what will seem like a few thousand years thanks to the massive time dilation you'd experience on your way in.

Other "scientists" claim that the effects will not appear until December 2012, bizarrely the same date the Mayan calender ends, where upon the magnetic poles will shift and there will be cataclysmic weather patterns that shall wipe us all out for good. I'm not speculating on this in particular, I'm more concerned with the questions CERN want answered, namely;

a) What happend in the micro-seconds after the "Big Bang"
b) Is faster than light travel possible
c) Is time travel possible?
d) Can we use such knowledge to combat disease and cancers?

Now, instead of all that cash, they could have just asked me;

a) A fucking large explosion
b) No
c) No
d) Probably not

I shall now explain my reasons for my answers to b and c.

Firstly, time and light are relative, ok? This means, in basic terms, if you were to avoid the advice of your optometrist and Jon Snow, and look directly at the sun, you would see the sun as it was 8 minutes ago. Keeping up so far? good. Now, if you travel faster than that light approaching from the sun, you (and I know this sounds dumb, but its true and very complicated] would travel back through those 8 minutes and possibly more. So, yes you would travel back in time. So, how do I know its not possible to do either if I just said its theoretically possible?

Well, those beardy blokes down at the SETI program finally get an alien on the blower who invites us over for a few beers, to take a vehicle capable of light speed would mean it still took you a fair old while to reach Pluto, which means you'd be bloody late. You'd need to go faster, but, if you did, you'd arrive at pluto in 1939.. which is before you were sent, your ship was built and most importantly, before you were invited which is just plain rude. So you tootle back home, only you get back to find its now 1867 and you mistakenly marry your great-gran.

What about time travel in other ways though? Well, that isnt possible either. why? Let me enlighten you.

Firstly, lets say you build your time machine and pop back to 1939 to give the old allies a bit of help against that naughty Hitler boy with a donation of your mobile phone and such for reverse engineering purposes, firstly, whatever help you offer makes no difference because as we know, no-one did do this because history would record it, infact no-one EVER does it, because it would have already happend.

Even if you say you did, these guys would then reverse engineer your mobile phone, technology would advance, and you'd never have had such a primitve phone in the first place to go back in time with.

Time travel has other implications, say you went into the future and saw yourself as a fat, balding 50 year old, you would then know that whatever course your life took, that is for certain where you would end up, or else you wouldn't have been able to witness yourself in such a mess to then know to change your lifestyle. You would, however, also know that NOTHING you do between now and then will result in injury or death, because you look fine in the future, no matter how you triedto kill yourself, something would always avert it. You'd certainly be left with a hopeless feeling if knowing no choice you make matters, becasue you have no choice.

So, to summarise, how about we leave that collider alone boys, maybe we don't want to know these things, and close SETI.. that way we can spend its funding on Beer and chips.

Blogger's Choice Awards 2008

2008-09-10T15:12:00.002+01:00

Voting closes sometime in October, and no.. we aren't going to win anything this time around it seems. However, our base readership remains strong and we will welcome you all into our New World Order when the inevitable apocalyptic rain of Scotch Eggs comes to flatten the heathens.

Frankly, just to be nominated in so many categories was flattering enough and of course massive thanks to those of you that voted. Our plans to continue improving things here has led me away from the actual writing part of this project recently for which I apologise, but before you have the Child Support Agency hound me to death, wait for the fruits of my toils.

Like Arnie - "I'll be back", but unlike Arnie, it won't be to grope your breasts, unless you ask nicely.

Cleaning out my closet

2008-09-09T22:52:00.003+01:00

I was going through my stuff the other day to see how much crap I can jettison. Anyway, I discovered a scrawled note I wrote while drunk 2 years ago. A draft for a brand new Hollyoaks theme song that I had clearly planned to post to its writers. I've done my best to decipher my childish scrawl to bring it to you here:

Hollyoaks Theme ("Cheshire's Calling")
(Apocalyptic pipe organ opening)

All along the city walls
Lofty spires and busy streets
Cheshire's playing on my mind
And the call to arms was truu-uu-uuue

Hollyoaks- we're sure you understand
Hollyoaks- give me the will to survive
Nourish my soul and stay my shaking hand
From the old cathedral to the bingo hall
Answering Cheshire's caa-aaa-aaa-lll

(Xylophone solo)

Hollyoaks! Bring me back from this cycle of hatred- YEAHH!! (BIG FINISH)

There you have it. I found two other drafts as well but they're too satanic to publish. Hope you appreciate its artistic quality, and conclusive proof of the mind altering effects of Hydes bitter...

Tip-toeing The Thin Line Between Lord of the Rings and Reality

2008-09-08T00:23:00.002+01:00

Well, it's been a while. Partially because I was suffering some ridiculous foreign disease (chicken pox) that made me look like a gory chocolate chip cookie and it may also have to do with the fact that the most exciting thing I've done in the past week was take showers (which, albeit, could be quite fun with the right kind of showerhead, no...) But this has nothing to do with sexual frustration, but rather to do with my newest plan to miss work/school.

Right now, the tentative plan is to y'know, watch movies, cavort about downtown Toronto (which is the only part that isn't utter shite), and seduce Viggo Mortensen. Well, actually that's not exciting at all. It's pretty routine stuff, but probably a lot more interesting considering it is Film Festival time which significantly highers my chances (on the sex with Aragorn front, that is).

Unfortunately, it's going to suck, because the only people who care are hipsters or Entertainment Tonight (which I absolutely don't watch ever). BUT it's North American and female (mostly) and shorter which gives me something to write about.

So far, I have been to the premieres of Burn After Reading, Blindness, Mia et le Migou (I was bored) and Wavelengths. Clearly, I haven't had sex with ANY fictional characters and am now short about $120.00 but that's okay (except for the part where I was not in Isildur's heir's bed.) But, on the bright side, I did meet Brad Pitt while getting hot dogs which I think is definitely foreshadowing of some sort (hopefully nothing to do with a sex change though.) The Coen brothers kicked ass, but unfortunately, I still can't tell them apart. And that was Burn After Reading.

The Blindness premiere, however, was way cooler than Burn After Reading because a) it had less old people and b) Gael Garcia Bernal. I also met with Dominic Monaghan and told him he looks "an awful lot like Dominic Monaghan" whereupon I was told by a Frenchman that it was, in fact, Dominic Monaghan. This sort of thing happens to me ALL THE TIME.

Then, I was told Adrien Brody was somewhere in the vicinity as well, and in a leather jacket to boot. After that I just sort of died of sexual frustration.

No, but the movies were great. Definitely worth checking out. So, all in all, it was alright, and Viggo Mortensen is still in town so at the very least, maybe he can tell me what Scotch eggs are (because he's supposed to know that kind of stuff.)

Keeping the northern faith

2008-09-07T21:32:00.003+01:00

This weekend, I had my first taste of northern culture in 15 months and I enjoyed it muchly.

I was back in Manchester to check out my new house and ponder the future. I must confess that all this time away means that I go a bit loopy as soon as I have access to proper British food & drink. My first pub meal was a binge of steak pie, chips, ale, apple crumble and custard that caused me serious internal damage. This weekend was no exception and my attempt to drink every single beer produced by my nearest brewery could have ended in tears but was saved by tactical chips. But if you had to endure a year of drinking foul French lager that's about as classy as drinking urine out of a shoe, you probably do the same.

Manchester was it's normal self- reluctant chav husbands trawl through the shops with their wannabe WAG-wives, northern lasses with tight hair spill out of cabs and straight into the trousers of men in checked shirts, and the infamous Crazy Bus Lady preached to us on the government conspiracy involving a confusing combination of aliens and freemasons.
I was truly home.

I shall be rewarded for a year of crappy croissants. I'll have fresh wholemeal bread, afternoon tea and cricket on the village green. T'will be splendid. There won't be as many random tales of European adventures this year but it should be just as fun.

I'm going to be thinking a lot about our beloved nation over the next few weeks. What makes Britain Britain? Is it our obsession with sofa adverts? Is it Kerry Katona's face?
All shall be revealed very soon.

It's that time again...

2008-09-06T16:12:00.003+01:00

The World cup may be almost two full years away, but already we have the fever.

I've been awake at night for months, planning my verbal assault on whoever receives Ravi's support this time around. Being a loyal kind of chap, my love affair with Swedish football is far from over.. and the home nations? I'm in with Scotland, I'm half-Scottish thus I can do such things. England's uninspiring and shambolic football, played by a bunch of greasy, over paid, fat, nancy-boys has pissed me off one too many times.

So, in keeping with previous coverage of the European Championships, I'm going to make my qualification predictions below, let the arguments commence;

The final distribution fo qualiying positions looks like this;

Europe (UEFA): 13 places
Africa (CAF) : 5 places (South Africa qualified automatically as host nation for a total of 6 places)
South America (CONMEBOL) : 4 or 5 places
Asia (AFC) : 4 or 5 places
North, Central American and Caribbean (CONCACAF) : 3 or 4 places
Oceania (OFC) : 0 or 1 place

S. American Qualifying Predictions;
Argentina
Ecuador
Paraguay
Brazil
Uruguay

African Qualifying Predictions;
S. Africa [obviously]
Nigeria
Egypt
Senegal
Cameroon
Ghana

Europe Qualifying Predictions (those in italics will qualify for 2nd stage quals ONLY and NOT Finals);
Portugal
Sweden
Czech Republic
Poland
Russia
Germany
Finland
Spain
Turkey
England
Croatia
Ukraine
France
Serbia
Scotland
Norway

Asia Qualifying Predictions;
Australia
Japan
South Korea
Iran

Oceania Predictions;
No Qualifiers predicted

North, Central America and Carribean;
USA
Canada
Mexico
Trinidad & Tobago

There we go, fire at will!

Chad Vader #3

2008-09-06T16:01:00.001+01:00