The Hardcore Effect meets... Olof Mellberg

Olof Mellberg, when he isn't being violent, plays football for Juventus and Sweden.

We met him for a brief chat after Swedens 2-0 loss to Russia to see what was up and whether he'd ever partaken in a danger wank.

Hey Olof, how are you feeling?
To be honest, pretty shit. I don't feel too bad about losing to the Russians, anyone who wrestles bears on a daily basis has my total respect, but when I have to resort to punching my own countrymen in the street because they can't resist giving me a bit of post match analysis, its a sad day for me.

How are the rest of the team taking your premature exit?
I don't really know, Freddie (Ljungberg) has spent a lot of time buying tight pants to cheer himself up, he gets Petter Hansson to photograph him, I guess its an ego thing and everyone deals in their own way. Its good for Petter too, he can send the photos to the children he's been grooming.

How has little Kim Kallstrom taken it?
I don't really know, after the match it was straight in his pyjamas and Lars sent him to bed. Like I say, I'm not really up to speed because I haven't been around much, I've been relaxing with a new hobby.

Oh Really? Is it danger wanking?
[Laughs] No, no. I've always enjoyed fighting, but I find fighting animals is a new and interesting challenge. I started off small with like rats and ferrets, and I've now worked my way up to larger animals. I fucking love fighting kangaroos, Girls love it too. Theres nothing sexier than seeing a guy kick the living shit out of a marsupial. everyone thinks Kangaroos can box but they aren't shit. No reach.

That sounds lovely, but we must insist, have you ever had a dangerwank?
Of course! I only masturbate in dangerous circumstances or else nothing happens. I like to wear a 19th century diving suit and breathe nitrogen, the orgasms are intense. Away with the lads though, I keep it quiet and just put a bag on my head and suck out the air with a dirt devil.

Will you be sticking around to watch the rest of the tournament now your team is out?
I thought I might, but David Hasselhoff has been hanging around. I'd gone for a kebab last night after a relaxing night sucker punching zebras at the nearby zoo, and he pulls up and asks if I want to jump in his car. I mean it was a tempting offer because it was raining and he had a pack of werther's originals in his glove box, but when he patted the passenger seat alarm bells rang and I decided it was safer to walk.

We thought you liked danger.
I like dangerous masturbating. Dangerous sex isn't for me, there something about fucking atop a flying trapeeze that really puts me off my stroke. Plus being bummed in the back of a talking black Trans Am by David Hasselhoff to the soundtrack of "Bavarian Lederhosen party-time Dance-off 12" isn't really the best situation to be in. Thats too dangerous even for me.

Thanks for your time then Olof, we're sure you have many more animals to batter.

Another Perspective

Well, Sweden are out. Gutted doesn't even begin to describe my feelings as I lay there, in the foetal position, crying like a Welsh sheperd who is allergic to wool.

I have however, started to see a silver lining, as have the team.

Kim Kallstrom is very pleased, not only has he now earned his International football badge for scouts, but his visit to Austria has allowed him to complete his collection of contemporary European postage stamps.

Freddie Ljungberg now has more time to shop for tight pants without all that bloody football getting in the way.

Lars Lagerback can go back to brewing a new kind of lager that whitens teeth. Petter Hansson can get back to work in that home for vulnerable children. Olof Mellberg has taken up cage fighting and has developed a love of new hobby, In a recent interview with us he said; "I fucking love Kangaroo fighting, girls love it, nothing sexier than kicking the shit out of a Kangaroo. People say they can box, but they aren't shit."

On a negative note, easily influenced goalkeeper Andreas Isaksson has taken to copying Mellberg believing the animal fighting to be something to do with sexual dominance and mating rights, he was arrested last night after posting a video on Youtube of himself kicking a marmot until it agreed to have sex with him.

As for my silver lining, sure it was hard seeing Sweden lose, even harder than seeing England lose, but it wasn't as hard as finding out Dr. Oetker isn't Swedish and at least i got to drink my own body weight in Kopparberg.

As for now, I throw my support behind the Dutch. All those drugs they take, at least one of them must be performance enhancing.

--Match Predictions--
While Ravi, or should I say Jurgen, polishes his crystal balls and fucks around with tarot cards, which by the way are fucking shit for playing snap. I've taken my usual approach and shall predict the game using logic, psychology and body language analysis.

so, lets begin.

Slaven Bilic, all I sense from him is repressed homosexuality. Stock footage shows him fellating a badger filled sausage in the team hotel over dinner, and he has an earring which is a dead giveaway. His eye certainly roves in the direction of Luka Modric and his tight, tight shorts.

Luka is quite open to the idea but isn't really gay, he just flirts with the fashion.

The sexual tension will be cause for concern as Luka's team-mates clearly sense something is up.

The Turks will pounce on this, and I dont mean in the way Slaven would enjoy, and will beat Croatia 2-1. Afterwards, to celebrate the team will return to serving drinks in their own hotel and seducing any 14 year old girls that are holidaying there.

What an Outrage!

Frankly, Sweden were robbed. That is all there is to it, and yes Larsson's Codpiece was out for its annual scraping and of course than man in the shop supported Spain, and yes, he will be lynched by my hordes.

Take all that aside though, and just imagine if we'd claimed that point. Picking Sweden was very much like picking Minardi, Eddie the Eagle or Plymouth Argyle. I chose the plucky underdog.. and everyone loves an underdog with the possible exception of Jean Todt.

That one point would have thrown the group wide open and left Adam in line for a severe but fair cock-slapping from my good self. I'm not concerned though, after all its Spain and sooner or later something will make them fuck it all up, its inevitable.

Perhaps Fernando Torres' donkey will escape, or David Villa will get distracted by his spouse, and end up having a blazing pitchside row, which involves alot of arm expression, slapping and speaking unnaturally fast or maybe someone will play their national anthem - "The Mexican Hat Dance" - and they will all have to take siesta and sleep in deck chairs with straw hats over their eyes in respect. Either way, it will happen.

I've already started on a lego voodoo doll of David Villa, and if it works, he'll soon find himself nothing but a mere puddle, inside my microwave.

For now though, I turn my attention to the Russians, who have sobered up long enough to beat Greece. I consider them a threat, in the same way Ravi considers a Smorgasbord a Sandwich. I don't. Sure, as a Rangers fan, I kicked a few heads in after Zenit St. Petersburg, and learned the Russians are not to be underestimated after the met England in qualifying.

However, we must look at the facts. This is a team who spent 75 years queueing for a loaf of bread and some vinegar under communism, are they really going to have the energy left to beat Sweden? They will probably be distracted by all the Mafia hits they have to complete whilst there, the spying and the hunting reindeer for the harsh winters. The only real incentive to win is to avoid serving their remaining years in a Siberian Gulag.. which is just what happend to Dmitri Kharine. His crazy love of all things western; Money, Girls, Disco, Lack of police beatings, Freedom of speech, No chechen rebels and more money, meant he was never the Premier's favourite bloke really.

Guus Hiddink, a man with unlikely hair and a head shaped like Chippolata, encourages his players to swear in training and to joke about each others clubs. It isn't Sweden thats a stoned Dutch media studies project, its the Russian national football team.

They are shakier at the back than a Parkinson's sufferer operating a pneumatic drill and the Berezutsky twins are frankly the worst headers of the ball in the World today.

Freddie Ljungberg will use his dazzling looks to distract Aleksandr Anyukov, who I suspect holds a subscription to "Big boys in boots" magazine, Larsson will distract older team members by complaining, comparing ailments, sharing stories that don't go anywhere and misleading them into believeing its Pension day and they should be queueing in the post office, and Ibrahimovic, fresh from his acupuncture session, will use his newly realigned chakras to boot it home. Simple.

Bring it on I say.

Underhand Tactics

It would seem, as I write, Ravi's German army are showing themselves to be quite poor losers.

Police reports are flooding in of several pipe shaped explosive devices full of Currywurst being detonated in and around the tournament's stadiums. A Swede described one such explosion as "Loud, Hot, but delicious". Another of my Scandinavian brethren was seen having to hack off her beautiful Nordic blonde locks until she adopted what could only be described as an "accidental mullet". Many such accidental mulletings have occurred in recent moments due to large amounts of curry sauce penetrating the lovely blues eyes of the Sweden fans, resulting in catastrophic scissor mishandling while attempting to cut pieces of congealed sausage meat from their manes. The German government has denied supporting these attacks and has stepped forward with relief aid of 12,000 Red, Yellow and Black shellsuits [circa 1990] to replace the stylish but curry damaged garments of the Scandinavians.

In response, during a pre match press conference, Sweden Coach Lars Lagerback leapt from his chair to attack German Manager, Jonny Lovespuds. Lovespuds reacted by breaking no less than 14 bottles of Erdinger, spiked with sulphuric acid, over the Swede's bonce while screaming that Sweden played "Inefficent Football, with inefficent haircuts" and incinuated that Mr. Lagerback's mother was of "Questionable moral standing in her community". Lagerback responded almost immeadiatly by smashing Lovespuds in the face with a hastily constructed, but beautifully made flat-pack bar stool, before shrieking loudly and tearing off his victim's testicles. He then proceeded to perform an as yet undisclosed sex act on Mr.Lovespud's limp corpse.

The two were later seen outside the conference shaking hands, and laughing about the incident, which FIFA described as "The usually japery and tom-foolery we see between respected coaches".

Elsewhere, David Hasselhoff has goosed no less than 45,000 visiting Swedes, with similar numbers being invited, unsolicited, to jump in his car.

Small groups of Bavarians have also infiltrated some of the trendiest night-spots in Stockholm, replacing Kopparberg with draught brewed Lowenbrau. Many nightclubs had to close early after finding their CD collections stolen and replaced with "oom-pah" music and a CD entitled "Bavarian Lederhosen dance-off, party-time mania 12" which is well known to be a popular disc among bierebike.de enthusiasts.

All these events have proved to much for underfire Kraut goalkeeper Jens Lehmann, who became suicidal earlier today, he made a frantic phone call to me from his hotel this morning, first asking if Jim could fix it for him to have some hand-eye co-ordination, then to announce his intention to commit suicide by hanging. Despite my kind offer to allow him to "Bring me the rope, and I'll do it because you'll only fuck it up", he attempted it alone without aid, and due to a complete lack of scouting experience tied what detectives could only describe as a "fucking stupid knot" which he had attempted to strengthen with a chewed stick of wrigley's doublemint and some pritt-stick. Upon jumping from his chair, the knot gave way and hapless Jens fell to the floor, which due to some dodgy building works, caused a collapse which saw Jens fall through 4 storys of the hotel and into a Grand Piano.

Dazed and confused Jens jumped into a nearby ice cream van and drove to the country, whereupon he doused himself in Gin and attempted to set himself alight, a cruel twist of fate saw him sneeze at the cruical moment, sending out a gin spray which ignited a passing heron, which flapped into his face, screaming and ablaze, knocking Jens unconcious and burning off his "braus". In a statement, his mother said Jens would be fully recovered for his next match and his behaviour was out of character.

German Chancellor Hans-Fritz-Hans-Jurgen-Hans Von Schnurrbart, whilst denying involvment, was quoted as saying that anything that provided German fans with some "liebensraum" would be looked upon favourably, he stopped short of describing the events as funny, most likely due to his being German and inherent inability to own a sense of humour.

In retaliation, the people of Sweden have wisely elected me as their Overlord. My defence minister, Bjorn out of ABBA, has decided to use our latest flat-pack bomber to drop large clusters of multicoloured lego bricks on the German fans. The men, being German, will be compelled to spend hours arranging the crazy bricks into matching colours, indexed by size and sub-catagorised by weight and mass. While their oppressed housefraus, kept barefoot, chubby and pregnant due to the German men's love of WWII propaganda, will be left immobile by stepping on thousands of unnecessairly pointy lego bricks with their naked feet.

Please enjoy below, the new Swedish national anthem, set to a video of everything good [well almost everything good] about Sweden, that I have lovingly crafted for you.

and again..

I've also been compiling a celebratory mix of some Swedish gems for the inevitable celebrations to come.
Ravi's apparant disdain for my planned creation of an ABBA tribute band has left me with little choice but to up my game and make a Sweden tribute band instead. It's a very mainstream track list, I'm sure you'll agree however I wasn't all that limited in my choices really.

Sweden has a finger in every pie musically, most albums seem to have a Swedish connection, well most good albums, the less said about David Hasselhoff the happier Ravi will be no doubt.

Tracks:
Temptation-Originally by Arash
Life Is A Flower-Originally by Ace Of Base
Erase/Rewind-Originally by The Cardigans
Show Me Love-Originally by Robyn
Crucified-Originally by The Army Of Lovers
The Visitors-Originally by ABBA
All The Girls (Alla Flickor)-Originally by Linda Bengzting
Moving Up-Originally by Miio
Play It For the Girls-Originally by Danny
Fading Like A Flower-Originally by Roxette
On A Night Like This-Originally by Pandora
Buffalo Stance-Originally by Neneh Cherry

Also, Video Killed the Radio Star was something I could have gone for, but lets face it, that would have been far too predictable, Take On Me was another obvious choice I avoided.

It would seem Jens Lehmann, son of Herbert T. Butterfingers and a blancmange, has yet to make a cock-up, but I'm sure Micheal Ballack's talent for booting it over the bar and into a supporter's face will provide the hilarity until he's back on form. Its strange that no-one has made mention of the fact that although the Krauts beat Poland 2-0, they had to rely on a Pole to get the goals.. just saying.
The Swedes just needed Ibrahimovic, that sex offender in midfielder [Petter Hansson], a bunch of lazy Greeks and an opposition goalie who is actually older than the Pope's gran.

Sure, Henrik Larsson "bungled" that free kick, but he was actually saving a boy in the crowd from a large and angry mosquito. Henrik is a keen supporter in the fight against Malaria.

Harry Redknapp was heard to remark after the game that he wouldn't be signing any swedes, but what does he know? He has spent most of his managerial career angry, confused and writing sick notes for his son. He knowingly accepted a job managing Portsmouth for Christ's sake, he's hardly The Football God's representative on Earth, that is Swedish Coach Lars Lagerback.

He played great defensive football, its so simple: don't concede, nick a cheeky goal, everyone's happy and he can go back to taste testing Lager.

Victory is Yellow!

Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Hero.

That was a fantastic strike. On the whole though it was a bittersweet day for me, Ok we won, but Christian Wilhelmsson may be out of the competition. Zlatan scored that stormer, but I found out Dr. Oetker isn't Swedish and had to tip my delicious pizza into the bin for tramps to fight over.

Onto the lego unicycle, I believe Ravi is reffering to the much famed bloccycle. It came equipped with dual firing missile launchers and a man with plastic hair. I'm sure an optic of Absolut could have been fitted to it also. He's just trying to rain on the yellow parade because he had to endure a night of efficent German fun to celebrate his game, where as I got nicely drunk and ate my Kottbullar, Smorgasbord and Lingonsylt. Awesome.

This victory has inspired me to show a bit more of my hand to my honourable opponent.

We've both talked pretty big so far, making wild claims. Well, for those of you that are hard of sight the image below is of me calling Ravi's Bluff. Touche.

tonight..

As I write, Sweden are preparing to take on a bunch of greasy waiters.

I was hoping to do a big long update, but I'm preparing with them in sympathy, and the big update shall cometh tomorrow.

Sweden shall walk this, because I said so, and because Freddie wants the key to my bottom more than the trophy. Also, how fast can the Greeks run really? After all that dancing and walking on smashed crockery.

I must go now, to prepare a Smorgasbord and kopparberg. I must also mentally focus myself with a combination of Lego and some lovely Abba tunes.

on a final note, a smorgasbord is better than a sandwich because the expansion of meat is not inhibited by a pointless, tasteless, dry bread layer. have that.

A Retraction

I would like to humbly retract my statement about Kim Kallstrom being 8 years old.



He is in fact, 8 and three quarters as this picture he drew me shows;

Hello Sweden!

Hello! This is just a short update before the main one later.

As I've adopted Sweden, and its culture for Euro 2008. I thought it was about time I got some Swedish mates and really took to this. So, chances are if you have been redirected here without warning, its because I need your help.

You'll see in an earlier post, I've pledged to do many things in support of Sweden, so i'm gonna need a bit of advice on food, drink, culture and language if I'm to ensure my victory over Ravi's Kraut hordes is complete and total.

Get in touch and let me know whats up.

ta very much.

Coming Straight Outta Stockholm

Aside from the very interesting and delicious currywurst argument, Ravi has failed to sway me and has actually strengthened my resolve.

I see his goal of learning German and hanging out with German fans, but this is easy, because he is geographically quite close to Germany, and so I see your goals an draise them, sir. I have a little bit more dedication.

Things I'll do for Sweden;
1) Start A facebook Supporters group
2) If that group reaches 75 members and Sweden Pass the group stages, I will start an Abba Tribute band and upload the video to Youtube and here.
3) If the group reaches 150 members and we reach the quarter finals, I will change my name, by law, to something swedish and keep it for at least 3 months.
4) If the group reaches 300 members and we win, I will contact Freddie Ljungberg and offer him a bum. That Hunk-cicle.
5) I shall drink no alcoholic beverage produced outside sweden.
6) I shall wear my Sweden shirt courtesy of a generous sponser soon to be named, at all times unless its in the wash.
7) I shall attempt to learn some swedish, and the National anthem.
8) I shall place small sweden flags on my desk at work, and around my house if the group reaches 50 members.

Anyone think they can raise me on that load? Adam? Ravi? anyone else?

Be my guests.
Kepp with The Hardcore Effect, this is about to get interesting.

The Germans will win Swede F.A.

There I was, minding my own business listening to Abba's Greatest Hits when Ravi shows up and posts something so ludicrous I choked on my Kopparberg and Absolut chaser.

Mate, the last time someone was as wrong as you've just been, they were arguing the benefits of messing with bees and using them as weapons.

Sweden is responsible for everything good... ever. A lot like me.

Abba are the finest band to have ever walked the earth, which explains why my greatest hits CD is 3 years long. There are just so many poptastic tunes to fit in.
My house is furnished entirely from Ikea, this makes me the most stylish man to have ever lived and provides a great opportunity to display my man skills and knock up a shelving unit or two and still have enough time to sit down for some lingonberry sauce and an ice cold Absolut on the rocks.

Ugly girls don't exist in Sweden, everyone is beautiful and pleasant, which can hardly be said for a nation famed for hairy women and a serious demeanour. In Japan they call the "Jap's eye" the "German's Mouth".. because it never smiles.

For a country awash with gorgeous blonde young ladies, they actually get a lot of work done, Swedish design and architecture are pretty world leading. They are a multi-skilled and inventive race, Take for example Swedish team coach, Lars Lagerbäck.

First off, thats a cool name if ever there was one. The man has also become a tactical genius, this is probably due to his being constantly pissed from tasting and quality testing lager, which he invented. All lager has to be personally approved by Mr. Lagerbäck before being exported and having "brewed in Germany" plastered on it, this is because he's a modest man and doesn't want his brewing genius overshadowing his football campaign.

His team are a top bunch too.

Freddie Ljungberg - A man so hot he makes men wet. I'd say he is probably the most flamboyant and interesting midfielder in the world, he's recently shaved his head becuase he believes the lowered wind resistance will allow him to make fast runs down the wing, and his hair, which is naturally bright red, distracts teammates during set-pieces. He enjoys modelling tight underwear in his spare time, this he wears to prevent bruising to the lovespuds.. a crippling injury which can take months of physio to recover from.

Henrik Larsson - As a Ranger's fan, I can appreciate just how talented this bloke is. Following Freddie's advice has ditched the dreadlocks and given up the rasta lifestyle to increase his on pitch efficency. He's played his way around the world, which means he's picked up lots of valuble skills. He can make fantastic piella, his time in Scotland taught him that when the chips are down and you are a goal behind the best way out of it is to break your bottle of Newcastle Brown in your marker's face and shout "Stitch that, Jimmy!", and lets face it Scotch eggs are a great source of sustainable energy.

Olof Mellberg - Olof is the angriest man in the world, styled to look like a football hooligan rather than a player. His "aggressive negotation skills" recently won him a transfer from Birmingham giants, Aston Villa to Juventus. Known to challenge referees to "A fight to the death", Olof has revealed his favourite weapon for such occasions is the spade.

Petter Hansson - Petter looks like a sex offender. Living in France has given him girly, greasy hippy locks. This shows he has not been attending Mr. Ljungberg's Pre-match aerodynamics lectures. He has now established himself as one of the first choice centre backs for Sweden.

Kim Källström - Kim plays for Lyon, which is quite an acheivement, because he is 8 years old and has a girl's name.

Taking that aside for a moment, he has staggering power in his left foot and has netted 8 times in 55 appearances, more goals than any other primary school aged International footballer. Plays at his best after a glass of milk and a story from Lars on the quiet carpet.

Meet Das Fokkers

As Euro 2008 gets underway, I've set myself the following goals for this week of supporting Germany.
- learn German
- find some German football fans and hang out with them
- replace my normal diet of sauerkraut, brattwurst and pumpernickel with something more German

To kick things off I'm going to give you a brief profile of a few German players to keep your eye on:
JENS LEHMANN- he's big, he's kraut and he'll knock you fookin out. A favourite with Arsenal fans, cock-up artist Jens is great fun to watch. Watch in awe as he hurls the ball into his own net with panache or gets attacked by a gang of pigeons that have set up roost in his goalmouth.

BASTIAN SCHWEINSTEIGER- he'll bamboozle defenders with his mazy runs as well as British commentators who try to pronounce his name. Germany's version of Rooney- an angry red faced little chap, but with a camper hairdo. However, he has his weaknesses- according to an eminent Sky commentator, his left foot couldn't even open a can of beans. Cheers for that pearl of wisdom Murdoch...

TORSTEN FRINGS- less of a name, more of a Danish vacuum cleaner bag manufacturer don't you think?

MICHAEL BALLACK- die fuhrer. Popular with posh cockneys. Good at penalties and getting into fights with guys smaller than him. The official face of the German railway network and if need cheap Adidas trackies or a knock-off Samsung mobile, let him know.

MARIO GOMEZ- as German as beef & Yorkshire pud. Watch his Latin spirit inject some viagra into the flaccid cock that is "German footballing flair".

And to provoke a bit of healthy debate, here's why Sweden are shit;
- They never invade anyone
- Henrik Larsson cut off his dreadlocks
- Their sandwiches only use one slice of bread
- They take Eurovision too seriously
- Pickled herring were invented in Coventry by Steve P. Herring in 1964, but then the Vikings nicked it.