The Metrosexual Effect

So, as we enter the last week of this challenge, with Ravi sunning himself in Spain like a true Metro, I've decided to put my theories to a further test.

This healthy eating lark, while expensive, time consuming and bad tasting is the area where I'm told I should have felt most benefit, but as we all know I would probably have noticed a bigger improvement if the challenge had involved the consumption of Crack cocaine.

To test this, I decided to switch back to my old diet of sugars, fats and great tasting junk food for this weekend. Mark and I indulged in a Donor Kebab/fried chicken/cider fest on the Friday, and yesterday I enjoyed my first Coca-cola in three weeks. I was assured this would lead to an inevitable "sugar crash", this would increase my heart rate, induce sweating, headaches and a general feeling of lethargy. I cared not a jot, I missed my manly diet and moisturiser-free bathroom.

The results? Well, let me tell you, after a bacon sandwich and all that other stuff I've listed, I feel fucking fantastic. This would lead me to believe that all the speculation surrounding these lifestyle choices are false and that any benefit felt is purely psychological. Kind of a placebo effect, in that it works for the people who say it works purely because they WANT it to have worked,

Trips to the doctors have revealed I'm no more-or-less deficent in vitamins and minerals than I was before, my blood pressure and heart rate remain steady and healthy, I'm still breathing and since going back to my unhealthy ways my dodgy stomach has healed. Its a miracle!

Basically, no matter how many supplements you take or how much veg you eat, your body only needs so much of everything, and so you literally crap out any excess, so any extra you ingest is pointless and has no benefit of any description, just in the same way that organic veg is no better for you than non-organic, its all in the mind.

The basic rule is the same as the one I observed when I went to Edinburgh with the army, you can eat pretty much whatever the fuck you like, almost everything has some nutrional benefit these days thanks to sandal wearing beardies and Jamie Oliver, as long as you exercise to some degree you'll be pretty much set. This is hwere fad-dieting comes into play, because magazine diets only ever promise things they can't deliver in reality, think about the genius of this for a second ok?

Next time your in Topshop, take a look where they place the chocolates and sweet things, can you see? yes, right by the checkout.

At a basic level, what they do is make you want clothes they only make in very small sizes, so you buy a magazine that simultaneously advertises pretty clothes and stupid diets, you diet, get miserable, go buy clothes, comfort eat on the treats by the tills, can't fit in your clothes, buy fad diet magazine and the whole cycle begins again. I've observed it in Mrs. Hardcore and she isn't stupid so, its obviously a system that really speaks to women and girls, and thats sad because they are the ones that really need a break from that sort of thing.

I'm not sure why it works this way though really, Women claim they feel under pressure from magazines but in my copy of FHM there is a big photo of David Beckham looking his usual hunky self, and yet I don't feel remotely bothered by this. Government adverts aimed a binge drinking young women have been changed after they found out "drinking damages your health" was 100% less effective than a poster claiming "if you drink like a man, you'll look like one"

Tests conducted with school children found that most boys rated friends and others on their ability to perform tasks and their level of skill, respecting others who showed aptitude in a certain area. Young girls rated people and friends entirely on their looks, and often used comparisons with themselves to give examples. All this will be elaborated on in my big sexism post when it finally gets finished, but the point is clear that whatever is causing this damage to the fairer sex, it happens at a very, very young age, and that is the most troubling part of all.

Throw Pillows and Flowers

The main problem with my part of the challenge so far is that trying to get in touch with my feminine side is tough when I don't seem to have one.

This morning I caught part of some obscure movie and all the while I was mentally baying; "Punch him! Punch him in his stupid face!" at the film's hero, whilst a small part of me knew this was unlikely as said hero was a 4'9" woman in tears and a dress.

This requires remedial action if I am to be successful, so we're borrowing a copy of "P.S.I love you" from Laura at work, who told me today that she cried beginning to end at this film in the cinema to the extent it actually embarrased her sister. This will either break me or prove I am infact in possesion of the worlds coldest and blackest of hearts.

I also took time out to read some women's magazines because we don't typically keep a backstock of "Gay Times" on the coffee table. I consider it an insult to my ass that I had to sit on it and read this pathetic, misguided, shallow and stupid schoolgirl crap. How women eat this stuff up I'll never know. "Jordan says; Come and see my new loft extension", "Lose 12lbs in 15 minutes" and a personal favourite- "Change your man in 3 months"

There are so many blatant lies in this magazine that I'm not going to even scratch the surface but let me share with you two nuggets of wisdom, from a man so you know they're accurate.
1- You can never really change a man, you can just get him to tolerate playing by your rules.
2- His friends will never TRULY like you, when you're around the whole dynamic of the group changes.. The jokes, the conversations, the venues and the atmosphere change, as does your bloke. His mates don't like it, and so they probably don't like you. The only exception to this rule I've found, and thus it is the exception that proves the rule, is Mrs. v1.0. Either way this is ok, another thing these magazines omit to tell you is its OK that not everyone will like you.

So, with this experience out of the way I set off to work, attempting to contemplate why flowers are so great and the point of throw pillows. I found an answer to neither, Imust need more moisturiser.