Alright, I fucking know, I've been away for bloody ages. Well get a bastard grip, I've been busy ensuring that you moaning cunts can live in a relatively free society. Fuck me sideways, the things I do for you, eh?
On a side note, I'm entirely serious. I recently spent a week on a shitty exercise in the fucking arse-end of anywhere, carrying my own body weight in kit in ridiculous heat. Including eight hours spent lying in a nettle thicket waiting for an entirely imaginary "enemy" to pop by. Training my shitting arse.
Then I got in a world of shit for being "inconsiderate" to the feelings of the local populace when patrolling through a simulated enemy village. Considering we'd had reports of suspected suicide bombers in the market place I started shitting a simulated brick when a man broke off from the crowd and cycled towards me. Not being familiar with the local Pashto language, I improvised.
Apparently we're not allowed to shout "OI, FUCK OFF YOU PRICK." at Afghanis. Even ones who are paid a fortune to live over here to help deliver more realistic training.
It was so traumatic that I'm still recovering. In fact, only last weekend did I accidentally poo myself in a mates car. I say accidentally, I'm clearly incapable of making mistakes. It was an intentional self-poo'ing event brought on entirely by the rigours of my occupation.
In other news, you can completely ignore Ben when he says we should oust Maggie Thatcher from her existence. Old Mags is a fucking national treasure and should be reinstated without further ado. She'd sort the bastards out. Maggie liked nothing more than a good war and getting rid of the dross. No more free milk for kids? Boo-fucking-Hoo. If they're that desperate for milk they can get up half an hour earlier and raid a fucking cow.
Also, I'm not sure who this MC Lars character is, but I fucking well like his style. I'm sure there was deeper meaning to his song, some message that completely escaped me, there did seem to be a sarcastic element to it. Not to worry, I'll get that fucking brainbox Ben to explain it to me, over a curry, whilst I fight his Missus away from my Korma.
In other news, I've spent most of my time either working, being on duty or hiding in my shitty room, playing Street Fighter IV online. The vindictive bastards have forced me to pay for a TV licence, so I now join the masses in moaning about having to pay the BBC when their channels are bastard shit anyway.
Wait Out.
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
Sunday, 28 June 2009
Bettering Mankind Vs. Making a Coffee
Many a time, over a coffee at work I've informed my workmates quite openly that were I not banished to the back warehouse, I would roam the main of the building shooting the doddering old people that so clutter up the lives of people with lives still to live. You're retired for God's sake! Why on earth do you feel compelled to dick around attempting to pay for your shopping with your library card when normal people are on their lunch break, or are late for work?
If the everyday business of living becomes such confusion, then maybe its time for the old folk's home.. or God's cue for me to take you round back, like a faithful old sheepdog, and put you out of your misery.
But.
In all honesty, with joking aside, I've never thought the death penalty was the right way to go for the majority of crimes. When a country coolly and calmly decides its going to kill someone, that's murder, and committing murder infront of a pre-invited group of priests, locals and family members of the condemened is, well, sick.
What does it acheive? By simply giving someone a lethal injection you are not even hoping to rehabilitate a criminal, its pure punishment and a very strange message to people.
We will deter murderers by openly and explicitly murdering people.. thats pretty fucked up, let's be honest, and it gets worse, religious executions are even more disturbing than state ones. Preaching the tolerance and love of God, by stoning a pregnant woman to death is unacceptable.
Plus who does it really punish? The criminal? Not really, they have a nice last meal, then they are murdered and then that's sort of it. Try remembering what it was like before you were born.. that's what it's like.. sorry. So in reality, the punishment is really dealt to the family, dependents and children of the person being "punished". That's even more fucked up.
Clarkson once wrote;
"You can define a truly civilised nation by two things;
1) It has a large fleet of nuclear submarines
2) It does not have the death penalty "
That leaves you with France and the UK. A handful of the more pleasant, tolerant and progressive American states too do not have the death penalty.. but I'm not sure where the US keep their nuclear submarines..
Now, I'm not saying that we should go easy on criminals, and yes I can think of numerous people I would like to see quietly and efficently murdered for the betterment of the human race;
Various religious fanatics, Maggie Thatcher, Sarah Palin, Robert Mugabe, Kim Jong Il, people who like oom-pah music, people who own ceramic representations of turds smoking pot, vegetablists, people in vulgar t-shirts from the internet, hardline Republicans, hardline conservatives, people who own a sign saying "You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps", people who attempt to make a living as a living statue in city centres, homophobes, nationalists, people who drink Carling C2, people who bought a G-whiz, tiny women that drive huge off-road vehicles, people who bought a Smart car, people who put bodykits on their cars, Heather Mills, the Pope, people who don't realise how pointless organic vegetables are, people who order skinny lattes-to-go, people who listen to Beyonce Knowles, chavs, anyone who buys trashy celebrity magazines and Jack Tweed.
but with those people, it'd be a crime of passion and you can sort of understand that I'm sure. You're trying to engineer something better. Its the same as a hardworking man who is trying to raise his kids right and be a good husband, coming home daily to find his wife having sex with the 13 year old who delivers the paper.. somethings gotta give. Eventually, he'll snap, shoot them both and not even the Texans would electrcute him for it.
Of course though, you allow something like that to continue often, and you'd end up able to compare me to Saddam Hussein's favourite son.. you know.. the one that fed hookers to his pet tigers, and that really isn't acceptable.
So, the solution it seems would be to shoot me afterward, so maybe I'll just make a coffee instead.
If the everyday business of living becomes such confusion, then maybe its time for the old folk's home.. or God's cue for me to take you round back, like a faithful old sheepdog, and put you out of your misery.
But.
In all honesty, with joking aside, I've never thought the death penalty was the right way to go for the majority of crimes. When a country coolly and calmly decides its going to kill someone, that's murder, and committing murder infront of a pre-invited group of priests, locals and family members of the condemened is, well, sick.
What does it acheive? By simply giving someone a lethal injection you are not even hoping to rehabilitate a criminal, its pure punishment and a very strange message to people.
We will deter murderers by openly and explicitly murdering people.. thats pretty fucked up, let's be honest, and it gets worse, religious executions are even more disturbing than state ones. Preaching the tolerance and love of God, by stoning a pregnant woman to death is unacceptable.
Plus who does it really punish? The criminal? Not really, they have a nice last meal, then they are murdered and then that's sort of it. Try remembering what it was like before you were born.. that's what it's like.. sorry. So in reality, the punishment is really dealt to the family, dependents and children of the person being "punished". That's even more fucked up.
Clarkson once wrote;
"You can define a truly civilised nation by two things;
1) It has a large fleet of nuclear submarines
2) It does not have the death penalty "
That leaves you with France and the UK. A handful of the more pleasant, tolerant and progressive American states too do not have the death penalty.. but I'm not sure where the US keep their nuclear submarines..
Now, I'm not saying that we should go easy on criminals, and yes I can think of numerous people I would like to see quietly and efficently murdered for the betterment of the human race;
Various religious fanatics, Maggie Thatcher, Sarah Palin, Robert Mugabe, Kim Jong Il, people who like oom-pah music, people who own ceramic representations of turds smoking pot, vegetablists, people in vulgar t-shirts from the internet, hardline Republicans, hardline conservatives, people who own a sign saying "You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps", people who attempt to make a living as a living statue in city centres, homophobes, nationalists, people who drink Carling C2, people who bought a G-whiz, tiny women that drive huge off-road vehicles, people who bought a Smart car, people who put bodykits on their cars, Heather Mills, the Pope, people who don't realise how pointless organic vegetables are, people who order skinny lattes-to-go, people who listen to Beyonce Knowles, chavs, anyone who buys trashy celebrity magazines and Jack Tweed.
but with those people, it'd be a crime of passion and you can sort of understand that I'm sure. You're trying to engineer something better. Its the same as a hardworking man who is trying to raise his kids right and be a good husband, coming home daily to find his wife having sex with the 13 year old who delivers the paper.. somethings gotta give. Eventually, he'll snap, shoot them both and not even the Texans would electrcute him for it.
Of course though, you allow something like that to continue often, and you'd end up able to compare me to Saddam Hussein's favourite son.. you know.. the one that fed hookers to his pet tigers, and that really isn't acceptable.
So, the solution it seems would be to shoot me afterward, so maybe I'll just make a coffee instead.
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
European election reminder
Hey Hey, just a reminder that you must all go out and vote in the European elections tomorrow. ok?
It's important.
"Hey, this is Europe. We took it from nobody; we won it from the bare soil that the ice left. The bones of our ancestors, and the stones of their works, are everywhere. Our liberties were won in wars and revolutions so terrible that we do not fear our governors: they fear us. Our children giggle and eat ice-cream in the palaces of past rulers. We snap our fingers at kings. We laugh at popes. When we have built up tyrants, we have brought them down. And we have nuclear fucking weapons." - Someone smarter than me
It's important.
"Hey, this is Europe. We took it from nobody; we won it from the bare soil that the ice left. The bones of our ancestors, and the stones of their works, are everywhere. Our liberties were won in wars and revolutions so terrible that we do not fear our governors: they fear us. Our children giggle and eat ice-cream in the palaces of past rulers. We snap our fingers at kings. We laugh at popes. When we have built up tyrants, we have brought them down. And we have nuclear fucking weapons." - Someone smarter than me
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