Meet the team: Adam

Dr. Adam Jagermeister Gruppenfuhrer Brainspiller M.D. 1987-


Originally named Jurgen Von Gayhair, Adam actually came out of a kinder egg his parents bought from a covered market in Slough. Despite this, and the firm belief he holds that he is a 6ft 5" black man in a white guy's body, Adam did go on to make us all proud and gain a variety of doctorates including, amongst others;

Erotic Massage
Crochet
Advanced piss artistry
Hair bleach: safe use and storage
Insults and casual violence
Bouncer provocation
Rocking out
Jellymould manufacture
and Feminism for bastards

Also the proud owner of a 2:1 in shut the fuck up, whatever that may be.

A connosieur of incredibly shit cars, Adam's previous car history reads like a What car? guide to looking a right dickhead. The most treasured of these former motors was the white Mk 1 Ford fiesta that could just push 70mph, whilst giving you an electric shock and shuddering as if re-entering the Earth's atmosphere.



One of Adam's biggest secrets is that after a few beers in a evening, he has an uncontrollable fetish for brightly coloured jukeboxes which contain the American Head Charge album "War of Art", however, as yet he has only actually made love to one, which he described as "The shizzle".

Adam's spare time is usually spent indulging in one of his many hobbies which include wanking, bribing nightclub security staff with chips and drinking Jagermeister until blind, then vomiting on a roundabout.



Known to genuinely believe that a group of homeless people is actually known as a "wankfest of tramps", Adam freely admits to a deep held respect for the hobos of Britain which resulted in his founding of the charity "Wank a Tramp", where drunkards are encouraged to give a little love to the more neglected members of society.



Co-wrote with Benji the bestselling book "Trick ass bitches: An illustrated history", which enjoyed a massive sales boost after the pair appeared in a double-action naked centrefold in Practical Pimping Magazine. A fall from grace followed, which saw Adam arrested as a sexual deviant. Originally sentenced to 3 days and a spanking, his sentence increased after an incident during room inspection which saw a large prison guard thrust his face close to Adam's and say in what he probably thought was a menacing voice "Sort your cell out!"

Adam looked back at him for a second then replied in a tender whisper, that was audible half way across the jail "You look like a girl, if we were alone in this cell I'd bend you over the table and fuck you" Then he pursed his lips into a little kiss. If nothing else showing the wit, class and intelligence that landed him a slot writing here.



This incident was later documented on his number three single "I Shit On You", a rap recorded to a imple drum beat and an audio recording of him actually taking a shit. Sheepy was the producer, naturally.

So, armed with this knowledge, please enjoy his ramblings. . Or he'll fucking nut you..or shag you.

Meet the team : Sheep

We're undergoing some changes and expansion in the team here at Hardcore Towers, so, please allow us to introduce some familiar faces and somenew ones over the coming weeks, beginning with Sheepy.


Sheepay McSheepington Van Der Sheep-Sheep the First BSc.
1987 -

Well known sexual deviant and serial drunkard Van Der Sheep-Sheep has been writing for us since pretty much the beginning.

Most famous as the current holder and four-time winner of the title of 'Sexiest man in NATO', Sheep lists his hobbies as; Keeping it real, Schooling white kids, bringing sexy back, verbally abusing women, colonic irrigation, poo-ing, drinking, reading The Times and masturbating to local parish council magazines.


Once reached number 12 in the charts in Uzbekistan with a surprise cover version of Vanilla Ice's hit, "Ice, Ice Baby". The song sold well due to limited spread of the English language preventing many listeners picking up that most of the lyrics had been rewritten to be about taking a shit. Ice later took legal action after the line "Check out my hook, while my DJ revolves it" was changed by Sheep into something still legally unprintable today. The case was later thrown out on the basis that Sheep kept it roughly 73% more real than Vanilla.

Currently in the employ of Her Majesty's Armed Forces of the United Kingdom Of Great Britain [.. and Northern Ireland and The British Dependencies.. on occasion], which is an incredibly respectable position to hold, Sheep is still characterised by the self-loathing and hard-living that invariably accompany utter brilliance.

Found medically incapable of making a mistake.


Once described by the bloke that sold Thora Hird her stairlift as "a complete bastard", Sheep maintains that the disputed stairwell remained his property and Thora should have "got a fucking grip of herself". Later attended Hird's funeral purely to announce that he had indeed had the last laugh, as he had so often threatened. Little else of this feud has come to light.

We hope you enjoy his articles, he doesn't really care either way.