The crazy world of pointless occupations..

I've often wondered how some people get away with filling in their official papers with some mickey mouse occupation.

There are plenty of said jobs around, ranging from the mildly pointless;
Car Park Attendent
Road Safety advisor
Integration manager
social solutions co-ordinator

Right up to the insanely daft;
Harpic expert
Lindt Master Chocolatier
Being the bloke who writes the jokes on the back of penguin bars.

Speaking of which, I have one of said jokes to hand now, brace yourselves;
Q. Why can't penguins fly?
A. Because they don't have any money for plane tickets.

Genius. I bet you'd all love to go for a drink with that guy, he'd have you in stitches. I'm sure his kids are proud of him and his wife in no way, sleeps with other men, such as the slightly funnier Christmas cracker bloke.

People say you can tell alot about a man by his watch, or his friends, but really what we read into most of all is occupation. I once heard somewhere that if someone were to tell you they were a painter, you'd be impressed and rightly so, but add to that the skill of decorating, and somehow the magic is lost.

Women would rather date Dave from accounts, than Jeff, the fat bloke from the kebab shop. Dave inturn would be usurped by Gavin, an archtiect, who would lose out to Ken, the aerodynamicist. Its a fact of life I guess.

So with all that in mind, I'm off for a facial scrub, because top of the social heap again are metrosexual-types. Before you know it, this blog will be defunct and I'll be surrounded by poncy, arty new mates in an organic juice bar after a [not-so] hard day designing a rich arab's palace.

Work is for suckers

Welcome to today's topic for debate, right up until the point I stop listening because you are wrong.

Today's issue is one I'm equally guilty of. It is often said that here in the UK we take less holiday, shorter lunch breaks and work longer hours than most other nations, and this is true, so why don't all major companies bring their factories over here for efficent production by British staff?

Well, there is no short answer, so take a deep breath and lets begin. First off, there is the issue of the generally slack work ethic in this country, ok we all come to work for long periods but overall, we spend most of our time doing the bare minimum and just focus on getting through the day so we can drink too much and have a fight. Work is dull, that is how you can tell you are at work. Thats the whole point.

Where I work, this is especially true, we do all we can to piss about and make the whole experience more interesting. Mike v.1.0 enjoys making up little games in his dept. to pass the time and prevent himself from commiting suicide.

For those of you with catarcts, the list above is a scoreboard, with points acheived for actions such as; Lying to a customer about something being out of stock, asking a customer if they would "fancy a bum?", making an animal noise or give them a cheeky wink with your hand doing the guns thing.

This isn't as bad as it gets, please enjoy this photo Mike took of me sneaking out of my back warehouse and wrapping my superior's car in cling film. I apologise for looking bad but I wasn't feeling my best;

Now, I am a head of department, and as such should know better. Truth be told however, we're all at it in our own special way.

Next up, We don't work all day because we enjoy it. We work because life in Britain is so bloody expensive. For those who don't know. We are taxed heavily on everything.the only thing thats free in England is all the air you see around me in the above photo, thats it.

Which brings me onto another reason our industry is on the decline, Tax. Tax is so high that companies just don't want to pay it, nor our wages which have to be equally high. In Korea one major car manufacturer found they had to reject one in every ten components off the Korean production line, but only 1 in 1000 British made ones weren't up to scratch. Yet its that much cheaper to make them over there that the cost is negligible.

We once had the Greatest Empire the world has ever known, if you are American this may come as a shock, but you haven't won every war ever, nor do you have to fight inspite of the incompetence of the British [as in just about every movie you spew out over here] and nor did you "save our ass" we we're just fine thanks. You saved France if anyone, and we had to go with to make sure you liberated the right country. As I was saying, the Greatest Empire in human history and now we can't even supply washing machine components, something is tragically wrong.

However, we're not bothered. We'd all earn more on benefits anyway. I know I would.

Photos courtesy of Mike v.1.0 and Munkus.net [A short history of Team Well-Safe]