Tuesday 30 September 2008
Put a donk on it!
Hey people, sorry that the big update I promised hasn't materialised yet, I will do it at some point, I'm just a bit lazy like that....
Friday 26 September 2008
Back to the roots.
I really have been neglecting our roots here recently haven't I? For shame!
The Hardcore Effect was founded, by Team Well-Safe, to set the world to rights, keep the writers in beer and women [or Hollywood actors it would now seem] and generally teach the middle class white people of the world how to keep it real.
It was all about finding things to get angry about, blogging them, then getting immeasurably drunk at the weekends and rocking out. Interviews with us in magazines such as "Practical Pimping" were commonplace. I rocked long hair, baggy pants and a wide stance. I enjoyed a varied sex life with drunk strangers, and being with people whose company I enjoy.
Thanks, however, to things like The Daily Mail and David Hasselhoff, alot of the fun has been removed from my posts of late and I've become so concerned with curing the world's social maladies that I have completly forgotten about "keeping it real with the homeboys", to coin a phrase.
How shall we remedy this? Simple, I shall take it back to the roots by getting drunk at some point, complaining to my local council about some flowers and using Kabbyo's dyspraxia as an excuse to cop a feel, as I would have, circa 2005.
Word.
The Hardcore Effect was founded, by Team Well-Safe, to set the world to rights, keep the writers in beer and women [or Hollywood actors it would now seem] and generally teach the middle class white people of the world how to keep it real.
It was all about finding things to get angry about, blogging them, then getting immeasurably drunk at the weekends and rocking out. Interviews with us in magazines such as "Practical Pimping" were commonplace. I rocked long hair, baggy pants and a wide stance. I enjoyed a varied sex life with drunk strangers, and being with people whose company I enjoy.
Thanks, however, to things like The Daily Mail and David Hasselhoff, alot of the fun has been removed from my posts of late and I've become so concerned with curing the world's social maladies that I have completly forgotten about "keeping it real with the homeboys", to coin a phrase.
How shall we remedy this? Simple, I shall take it back to the roots by getting drunk at some point, complaining to my local council about some flowers and using Kabbyo's dyspraxia as an excuse to cop a feel, as I would have, circa 2005.
Word.
I Need Sleeeeeep...
Just to show that I don't only think of the lighter things in life (Viggo Mortensen and sex) all the time, I've decided to write about a topic I feel (kind of) strongly about, especially since I haven't slept in about 47 hours. It's a miracle I can still type right.
Growing up in the suburbs of Toronto taught me many things. Mainly that the only thing worse than the suburbs are the people who actually like living in them. I also learned a lot about the lengths people would go to to make their lives interesting. Not that I blame them, but if anybody should be self-mutilating, it's the parents whose subjected to several hours of Chiodos after coming home from a hard day at work (they work at an insurance firm. Everyone works at an insurance firm because it's the suburbs.)
Anyways, where I lived, all the cool kids had therapists. You needed either an acronym disorder (ADD, OCD, ADHD, etc, but you could fake it), a rough family life (again this was the suburbs, so nobody's parents actually beat them. They were just "so, like... shallow and stuff.") or an atrocious taste in music to make it in The Island.
Personally, I got the short end of the stick disorder-wise. I had/have dyspraxia, which isn't as cool as it sounds (and that's saying a lot because it doesn't sound cool at all.) It just meant I fell down a lot, couldn't do sports very well and had really bad handwriting. Instead of a therapist, I got a speech therapist (which incidentally isn't very high up on the social ladder), and a psychiatrist. 4 years, and all they'd told me is that I'm mature which I know for a fact is shit. I've woken up up in a velour cat suit and a tye-dye training bra ("Gollum as a Prostitute" in the catalogue) more times than I can count (after a few stiff drinks.) Needless to say, I'm not mature at all, so that was a waste of a lot of time and money but hey, it got me out of math.
What I'm trying to say is, if generally being clumsy and bad penmanship is a disorder, then we're all fucked. The only problem I ever had was the injuries sustained from falling down a lot, and the painkillers that followed. But eventually, they're going to find a "cure" for this involving pills and seratonin and brain changing things. Call me paranoid, but they're going to take over the world via Ritalin or something and everything's going end in a haze of 1984, Cat's Cradle, Horror-sci-fi, and Stanley Kubrick movies (not Lolita, I liked that one). Or maybe communism. I don't really know what I'm talking about anymore.
Shit, insomnia makes me sound like a Scientologist.
Anyways, where I lived, all the cool kids had therapists. You needed either an acronym disorder (ADD, OCD, ADHD, etc, but you could fake it), a rough family life (again this was the suburbs, so nobody's parents actually beat them. They were just "so, like... shallow and stuff.") or an atrocious taste in music to make it in The Island.
Personally, I got the short end of the stick disorder-wise. I had/have dyspraxia, which isn't as cool as it sounds (and that's saying a lot because it doesn't sound cool at all.) It just meant I fell down a lot, couldn't do sports very well and had really bad handwriting. Instead of a therapist, I got a speech therapist (which incidentally isn't very high up on the social ladder), and a psychiatrist. 4 years, and all they'd told me is that I'm mature which I know for a fact is shit. I've woken up up in a velour cat suit and a tye-dye training bra ("Gollum as a Prostitute" in the catalogue) more times than I can count (after a few stiff drinks.) Needless to say, I'm not mature at all, so that was a waste of a lot of time and money but hey, it got me out of math.
What I'm trying to say is, if generally being clumsy and bad penmanship is a disorder, then we're all fucked. The only problem I ever had was the injuries sustained from falling down a lot, and the painkillers that followed. But eventually, they're going to find a "cure" for this involving pills and seratonin and brain changing things. Call me paranoid, but they're going to take over the world via Ritalin or something and everything's going end in a haze of 1984, Cat's Cradle, Horror-sci-fi, and Stanley Kubrick movies (not Lolita, I liked that one). Or maybe communism. I don't really know what I'm talking about anymore.
Shit, insomnia makes me sound like a Scientologist.
Thursday 25 September 2008
So many stacks of paper... no bloody time.
I am truly astonished how much work I've got done recently for this "tome of wisdom", so to speak.
I am also astounded how little of it I've managed to type up and post, I have enough material for over a month I'd say, but with work and my becoming 22 in the last week, I've just had no time to share it with you, and for this I apologise. I'm working 13 hours today, I'll try and begin my clearance tonight, but don't hold your collective breath.
I am also astounded how little of it I've managed to type up and post, I have enough material for over a month I'd say, but with work and my becoming 22 in the last week, I've just had no time to share it with you, and for this I apologise. I'm working 13 hours today, I'll try and begin my clearance tonight, but don't hold your collective breath.
Tuesday 23 September 2008
Book review: Angela's Ashes
Actually this isn't a book review at all- just a celebration of this book's time capsule quality, as it contains quaint Irish pearls of wisdom that you probably wouldn't hear on the streets of Limerick any more:
"You want another piece of bread? Bejesus- next thing you'll be wanting an egg as well"
"Tis not a thing in the world that beats a fine feed of milk and apples"
"I like the look of that waitress. Maybe later we'll go back to my house and have the excitement together."
"Ahh come now. As long as you've got your health, a good head of hair and shoes what have you got to complain about?"
"You've got the filthy hair of a presbyterian"
I reckon this is how all book reviews should be: just a list of amusing and occasionally made-up quotes. Try using the above phrases in your local Irish pub. In there's one thing they'll love it's an English guy who can do a good Irish accent...
"You want another piece of bread? Bejesus- next thing you'll be wanting an egg as well"
"Tis not a thing in the world that beats a fine feed of milk and apples"
"I like the look of that waitress. Maybe later we'll go back to my house and have the excitement together."
"Ahh come now. As long as you've got your health, a good head of hair and shoes what have you got to complain about?"
"You've got the filthy hair of a presbyterian"
I reckon this is how all book reviews should be: just a list of amusing and occasionally made-up quotes. Try using the above phrases in your local Irish pub. In there's one thing they'll love it's an English guy who can do a good Irish accent...
Monday 22 September 2008
Happy Birthday to Mark, Danny, Phil and ... Me!
I am now officially old, but on the bright side other people who are now 22 include
Mark - 10/09
Danny - 17/09
and Phil - 22/09 [..but we aren't twins]
Happy respective Birthdays chaps!
oh..and happy birthday in advance to Charlie for tomorrow. Have fun.
Its time to reveal all
Hey! you're back! I suppose then you'll be wondering what it is exactly that we've got up our sleeves, well allow me to enlighten you.
We hate a lot of things here at The Hardcore Effect, greed being a major one of those hates, another being our epic lack of funding and another being our equally epic lack of advertising and promotion.
We now have a solution of sorts.
You will remember from school, or the day itself if you are in that time of life, that the good old USA landed on the moon..conspiracy theories aside. This has given them the delusion that the moon is now their property, in the same way that the artic belongs to Russia.. in that it fucking doesn't. As such they have set about planning moon bases and allowing companies to sell real estate on the moon, but how and why has it become theirs to sell? You can no more own the moon than you can own the air in my lungs, yet you can now buy yourself area on the surface of the moon which is said to be expected to rocket in value once building commences there, which is.. bollocks.
They are obviously selling the parts they view as unfit for development. duh!
Also, this is clearly an infringement of the rights of a Sovereign state.. as you'll remember I am in actuality the Prime Minister of the Moon, but we'll disregard that because I've claimed ownership of something else. The Hardcore Effect now owns the moons of Jupiter.. all of them.
I have deeds to that effect and everything, are they legal? Well, no more or less legal than your certificate to ownership of land on the moon.. but a million times more interesting because of the suspicion that there is water on Io.
So, to solve our aforementioned problems and to take advantage of humanity's greedy nature we are selling the moons of Jupiter. Why buy a square foot when you can own a whole planetoid?
Theres nothing to say we can't, I've checked. So check out Ebay later tonight where we'll be starting our auction for some of the hottest, out-of-the-way and affordable real estate in the galaxy.
Told you it was astrange one, clearly our genius is again underestimated. Happy bidding!
We hate a lot of things here at The Hardcore Effect, greed being a major one of those hates, another being our epic lack of funding and another being our equally epic lack of advertising and promotion.
We now have a solution of sorts.
You will remember from school, or the day itself if you are in that time of life, that the good old USA landed on the moon..conspiracy theories aside. This has given them the delusion that the moon is now their property, in the same way that the artic belongs to Russia.. in that it fucking doesn't. As such they have set about planning moon bases and allowing companies to sell real estate on the moon, but how and why has it become theirs to sell? You can no more own the moon than you can own the air in my lungs, yet you can now buy yourself area on the surface of the moon which is said to be expected to rocket in value once building commences there, which is.. bollocks.
They are obviously selling the parts they view as unfit for development. duh!
Also, this is clearly an infringement of the rights of a Sovereign state.. as you'll remember I am in actuality the Prime Minister of the Moon, but we'll disregard that because I've claimed ownership of something else. The Hardcore Effect now owns the moons of Jupiter.. all of them.
I have deeds to that effect and everything, are they legal? Well, no more or less legal than your certificate to ownership of land on the moon.. but a million times more interesting because of the suspicion that there is water on Io.
So, to solve our aforementioned problems and to take advantage of humanity's greedy nature we are selling the moons of Jupiter. Why buy a square foot when you can own a whole planetoid?
Theres nothing to say we can't, I've checked. So check out Ebay later tonight where we'll be starting our auction for some of the hottest, out-of-the-way and affordable real estate in the galaxy.
Told you it was astrange one, clearly our genius is again underestimated. Happy bidding!
Sunday 21 September 2008
Something Strange..
.. is still happening.. just a bit later than we expected due to something else strange happening.
Not long now.. we promise.
Not long now.. we promise.
Something...
... absolutely fucking mindblowing will happen, next Friday.
Okay, that's not true, but I didn't want to be the only one who wasn't having insane amounts of fun.
On another note, if anybody happens to have a place to live in New York that they're willing to rent out to 3 girls and a transgendered fish (all of whom are desperately broke, but talented in their own way), then hit me up.
Okay, that's not true, but I didn't want to be the only one who wasn't having insane amounts of fun.
On another note, if anybody happens to have a place to live in New York that they're willing to rent out to 3 girls and a transgendered fish (all of whom are desperately broke, but talented in their own way), then hit me up.
Friday 19 September 2008
Something strange...
.. is coming tomorrow.. Do NOT miss my update.
I assure you, its probably the LAST thing you'd expect us to be doing, and it is GENIUS...
Happy International Talk Like A Pirate Day
Avast ye treacherous dogs!
4- Captain Birdseye - Frozen
Today be International Talk Like A Pirate Day.. seriously, google it.
So enjoy this, the holiest day in the hardcore calender.. lest we make ye walk the plank..
Arrr!!!
Below is a list of our Top 5 Pirates, see if you agree;
1- Captain Jack Sparrow - Drunk
2- Captain Morgan - Mildly spiced and somewhat distracted.
3- Captain Hook - Idiot
4- Captain Birdseye - Frozen5- Random Bus Driver - Practically a pirate, Plunders your Gold. Miserable bastard.
Wednesday 17 September 2008
David Cameron is a cock... and so are you.
I'm writing today about a very simple concept, but its one that is fast escaping the thoughts of many in the country.
If you earn less than thirty grand a year, you have to accept that the Conservative party don't want your vote.. in fact they don't even like you very much.
You are below them, a grasping, work shy, lowlife. They despise you in the same way I despise coleslaw. Most of our readers will be too young or absent minded to remember what the last tory government did, so lets have a little recap.
Firstly, all their mates are wealthy enough to afford private healthcare, so, they decide that because the people who vote for them don't use the health service, they don't much want to pay for it. So, they deliver a lovely big tax break for the rich and take medical care away from the poor by starving the NHS are cash.. then.. they announce that the NHS doesn't work, and so can be scrapped.
Next, they take the police out of poor areas, to police the rich areas, showing the upper classes that their vote counts, while leaving the rest of us in a whole pile of shit. They announced that the introduction of a minimum wage would result in 30 million unemployed, becasue their rich mates who employ us all couldn't afford the wage bill.. evidently this is bollocks because here we are more than ten years later, and unemployment isn't ranked in the top ten things ruining the country today.
During the rule of Maggie T. unemployment was massive and employers could shit onto their employees from a vast height, and get away with it. The Tories responded by saying that the epic number of unemployed people could be attributed to an epic number of people who just didn't want to work.
They truly believe they ahve risen from a life of poverty, improved themselves and become successful. Theya lso believe that ANYONE can do this if they work hard enough. Clearly this is stupid, and their views on education prove it.
Most working class, and many middle class, families didn't have access to university. I would say that out of all my friends who are university educated, there isn't one I could say with complete conviction, would have received that education, at the same quality, under the conservatives.
The real issue is that you are all listening to the papers about everything bad thats going on, who blame it all on poor old Mr. Brown. Lets strip away the bullshit a moment and remember that this guy is the best chancellor we've had in living memory, the economy was in rude health under his guidance and the current recession is just an inevitable trough after a massive peak. he also takes the blame for many things that the Tories or Tony Blair decided, remember, it takes a fucking long time for things to be done in politics.
Tory councils don't spend their cash, [or waste it as here in Garstang on stupid floral displays] then claim that labour is obviously not working. Tory ruled areas starve Labour councils of cash, and claim the same thing again.
Its time to be big enough to admit you are a bit of a simpleton and you've formed an opinion purely to say you have one, and for the love of god don't vote Lib Dem.. did you hear the stuff they came out with the last few days? I thought not. Its a near certainty that if you are reading this, the only party that gives a stuff about you is Labour, and as imperfect as it is, and stupid as it sometimes seems, its far better than any of the alternatives.
Theres a simple reason for this, many in Labour are from working class families and have strong ties to worker's unions that were screwed over reguarly by Mrs. T. I don't blame the tories for being the way they are, they were brought into a life of privilege, and that can't be changed any more than my upbringing can, but working class upbringing allows you the see and experience the greatest suffering there can be in a first world country, you gain a sense of social responsibility far greater than any middle class white kid could. You know the consequences of political actions, you've seen and felt and suffered under them. We outnumber the privileged, and its not yet the end of our time. The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few.
If you earn less than thirty grand a year, you have to accept that the Conservative party don't want your vote.. in fact they don't even like you very much.
You are below them, a grasping, work shy, lowlife. They despise you in the same way I despise coleslaw. Most of our readers will be too young or absent minded to remember what the last tory government did, so lets have a little recap.
Firstly, all their mates are wealthy enough to afford private healthcare, so, they decide that because the people who vote for them don't use the health service, they don't much want to pay for it. So, they deliver a lovely big tax break for the rich and take medical care away from the poor by starving the NHS are cash.. then.. they announce that the NHS doesn't work, and so can be scrapped.
Next, they take the police out of poor areas, to police the rich areas, showing the upper classes that their vote counts, while leaving the rest of us in a whole pile of shit. They announced that the introduction of a minimum wage would result in 30 million unemployed, becasue their rich mates who employ us all couldn't afford the wage bill.. evidently this is bollocks because here we are more than ten years later, and unemployment isn't ranked in the top ten things ruining the country today.
During the rule of Maggie T. unemployment was massive and employers could shit onto their employees from a vast height, and get away with it. The Tories responded by saying that the epic number of unemployed people could be attributed to an epic number of people who just didn't want to work.
They truly believe they ahve risen from a life of poverty, improved themselves and become successful. Theya lso believe that ANYONE can do this if they work hard enough. Clearly this is stupid, and their views on education prove it.
Most working class, and many middle class, families didn't have access to university. I would say that out of all my friends who are university educated, there isn't one I could say with complete conviction, would have received that education, at the same quality, under the conservatives.
The real issue is that you are all listening to the papers about everything bad thats going on, who blame it all on poor old Mr. Brown. Lets strip away the bullshit a moment and remember that this guy is the best chancellor we've had in living memory, the economy was in rude health under his guidance and the current recession is just an inevitable trough after a massive peak. he also takes the blame for many things that the Tories or Tony Blair decided, remember, it takes a fucking long time for things to be done in politics.
Tory councils don't spend their cash, [or waste it as here in Garstang on stupid floral displays] then claim that labour is obviously not working. Tory ruled areas starve Labour councils of cash, and claim the same thing again.
Its time to be big enough to admit you are a bit of a simpleton and you've formed an opinion purely to say you have one, and for the love of god don't vote Lib Dem.. did you hear the stuff they came out with the last few days? I thought not. Its a near certainty that if you are reading this, the only party that gives a stuff about you is Labour, and as imperfect as it is, and stupid as it sometimes seems, its far better than any of the alternatives.
Theres a simple reason for this, many in Labour are from working class families and have strong ties to worker's unions that were screwed over reguarly by Mrs. T. I don't blame the tories for being the way they are, they were brought into a life of privilege, and that can't be changed any more than my upbringing can, but working class upbringing allows you the see and experience the greatest suffering there can be in a first world country, you gain a sense of social responsibility far greater than any middle class white kid could. You know the consequences of political actions, you've seen and felt and suffered under them. We outnumber the privileged, and its not yet the end of our time. The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few.
Tuesday 16 September 2008
Coming Sunday...
What is the fastest thing on land?
Stevie Wonder's Speedboat... but the second fastest thing is the rate of fire on our inappropriate question gun which will be aimed squarely at Preston's premier indie band, Mindshock, on Saturday night.
Catch up with us Sunday, after a drunken night with the band in The Mad Ferret, where we will give you their views on just about everything that matters.
Keep it here.
Stevie Wonder's Speedboat... but the second fastest thing is the rate of fire on our inappropriate question gun which will be aimed squarely at Preston's premier indie band, Mindshock, on Saturday night.
Catch up with us Sunday, after a drunken night with the band in The Mad Ferret, where we will give you their views on just about everything that matters.
Keep it here.
Monday 15 September 2008
The Hardcore Tour Update
The Hardcore Tour marches on with Adam away till this weekend, my ranting on France are almost complete so that will at least provide some solid subject matter as we enter the cold[er] and rain[ier] season here in Blighty.
On another, our flagship stop in Stockholm is probably going to be postponed until June/July next year. Why? Well, it has come to my attention that not only will postponing it mean we have a larger entourage with us to show the swedes how to truly party (naked with champagne, random acts of violence and kebab eating), but we will also coincide with some beer flavoured festivals, that rare Swedish occurance known as daylight, a kick ass sing-along party and we can guarantee enough funding to make the resulting vids and rantings far more worthwhile.
I'll be back before midnight with a piece for you, patience is a virtue.
On another, our flagship stop in Stockholm is probably going to be postponed until June/July next year. Why? Well, it has come to my attention that not only will postponing it mean we have a larger entourage with us to show the swedes how to truly party (naked with champagne, random acts of violence and kebab eating), but we will also coincide with some beer flavoured festivals, that rare Swedish occurance known as daylight, a kick ass sing-along party and we can guarantee enough funding to make the resulting vids and rantings far more worthwhile.
I'll be back before midnight with a piece for you, patience is a virtue.
Sunday 14 September 2008
A sad case of events
It is almost the middle of September now, and not one of our celebrities has had the common courtesy to drop dead. This also means that with Kabbyo being the only one left to give us her predictions, she could snatch a late victory with her access to more up-to-date celebrity health news - easily viewable in either "Big Brother: After the Surgery" or the ever popular periodical - "Celebrity Thrombosis Weekly". 
Perhaps its time to spike the punch at a top awards ceremony? Already, Ravi's competetive streak has him camped outside Paul Daniels' house with a rifle and only yesterday I mailed Fats Domino a recipe for one of Mike v.2.0's drinks, that if followed correctly, should see him go blind and drop dead within four minutes.
Fingers crossed eh?
Saturday 13 September 2008
Birmingham Beer Festival
I know I know- BIRMINGHAM beer festival, BIRMINGHAM folk festival...I've been spending an unhealthy amount of time in our second city recently. Obviously any event that takes place in Coventry is automatically far superior, but we should still support the Brummies in their efforts to be as cool as us, even if they fail miserably...
The Birmingham Beer Festival, held in Aston uni students' union showcased over 80 real ales and ciders, as well as a book sale and a tombola. Wahey! We're in 1974! No strippers though...
Here are a few of the pint-sized highlights:
Dark Star Espresso- good for keeping you awake. Aftertaste of burnt log.
Brewdog Tokyo Imperial Stout- packs some punch at 12%. Apparently is used as part of Japanese ritual suicide.
Church End Mango- John Smiths that had been mixed with mango juice in a drunken frenzy. Not a pretty result.
Windie Goat- not as goatey as I'd hoped for.
Hornbeam Horns & Halos- very horny indeed, but the taste comes and goes like John Leslie
Grindleton Hairy Fairy- everyone was too self-conscious to ask for this one
Roger's Old Trouser Snake- ...and this one
It would have been nice to have had more beers with topical names. Large Hardon Collider Ale? Gordon's Credit Crunch Stout? Bishop's ASBO? I took the plunge and joined CAMRA but unfortunately they only had large t-shirts left. "You'll grow into it" chuckled the brummie ale-buff who gave it to me. Maybe CAMRA membership will eventually lead to mild obesity. At least the t-shirt would fit...
The Birmingham Beer Festival, held in Aston uni students' union showcased over 80 real ales and ciders, as well as a book sale and a tombola. Wahey! We're in 1974! No strippers though...
Here are a few of the pint-sized highlights:
Dark Star Espresso- good for keeping you awake. Aftertaste of burnt log.
Brewdog Tokyo Imperial Stout- packs some punch at 12%. Apparently is used as part of Japanese ritual suicide.
Church End Mango- John Smiths that had been mixed with mango juice in a drunken frenzy. Not a pretty result.
Windie Goat- not as goatey as I'd hoped for.
Hornbeam Horns & Halos- very horny indeed, but the taste comes and goes like John Leslie
Grindleton Hairy Fairy- everyone was too self-conscious to ask for this one
Roger's Old Trouser Snake- ...and this one
It would have been nice to have had more beers with topical names. Large Hardon Collider Ale? Gordon's Credit Crunch Stout? Bishop's ASBO? I took the plunge and joined CAMRA but unfortunately they only had large t-shirts left. "You'll grow into it" chuckled the brummie ale-buff who gave it to me. Maybe CAMRA membership will eventually lead to mild obesity. At least the t-shirt would fit...
Thursday 11 September 2008
The Collected Works of Benji Hardcore - Genius, Renaissance Man, Quick to anger
After all these months and years of regularly reminding you that I am, infact, a genius, I thought it was about time to start massing my collective works within this site to allow quick reference for when your kids' kids have to study me and my genius in school, after I'm dead.
I've already brought you The Hardcore Theory, which proves I earned my Phd in "being wonderful" and my doctorate in "bringing sexy back", I also have 3 GCSEs in erotic Massage, but what next?
Well, today I've decided to unveil one of my boldest statements ever, and simultaneously answer some deep, profound questions that have plagued mankind since the dawn of the civilised world. As we no doubt all know, the CERN laboratory in Switzerland has built a LHC [Large Hadron Collider], which is nothing to my FLHC [F**king Large Hadron Collider], but I will not steal their thunder. They say that when they begin full particle collisions on the 21st of October, they will learn some of the deepest secrets of the universe, others say they will forma series of black holes which will slowly and painfully pull us all apart molecule by molecule in what will seem like a few thousand years thanks to the massive time dilation you'd experience on your way in.
Other "scientists" claim that the effects will not appear until December 2012, bizarrely the same date the Mayan calender ends, where upon the magnetic poles will shift and there will be cataclysmic weather patterns that shall wipe us all out for good. I'm not speculating on this in particular, I'm more concerned with the questions CERN want answered, namely;
a) What happend in the micro-seconds after the "Big Bang"
b) Is faster than light travel possible
c) Is time travel possible?
d) Can we use such knowledge to combat disease and cancers?
Now, instead of all that cash, they could have just asked me;
a) A fucking large explosion
b) No
c) No
d) Probably not
I shall now explain my reasons for my answers to b and c.
Firstly, time and light are relative, ok? This means, in basic terms, if you were to avoid the advice of your optometrist and Jon Snow, and look directly at the sun, you would see the sun as it was 8 minutes ago. Keeping up so far? good. Now, if you travel faster than that light approaching from the sun, you (and I know this sounds dumb, but its true and very complicated] would travel back through those 8 minutes and possibly more. So, yes you would travel back in time. So, how do I know its not possible to do either if I just said its theoretically possible?
Well, those beardy blokes down at the SETI program finally get an alien on the blower who invites us over for a few beers, to take a vehicle capable of light speed would mean it still took you a fair old while to reach Pluto, which means you'd be bloody late. You'd need to go faster, but, if you did, you'd arrive at pluto in 1939.. which is before you were sent, your ship was built and most importantly, before you were invited which is just plain rude. So you tootle back home, only you get back to find its now 1867 and you mistakenly marry your great-gran.
What about time travel in other ways though? Well, that isnt possible either. why? Let me enlighten you.
Firstly, lets say you build your time machine and pop back to 1939 to give the old allies a bit of help against that naughty Hitler boy with a donation of your mobile phone and such for reverse engineering purposes, firstly, whatever help you offer makes no difference because as we know, no-one did do this because history would record it, infact no-one EVER does it, because it would have already happend.
Even if you say you did, these guys would then reverse engineer your mobile phone, technology would advance, and you'd never have had such a primitve phone in the first place to go back in time with.
Time travel has other implications, say you went into the future and saw yourself as a fat, balding 50 year old, you would then know that whatever course your life took, that is for certain where you would end up, or else you wouldn't have been able to witness yourself in such a mess to then know to change your lifestyle. You would, however, also know that NOTHING you do between now and then will result in injury or death, because you look fine in the future, no matter how you triedto kill yourself, something would always avert it. You'd certainly be left with a hopeless feeling if knowing no choice you make matters, becasue you have no choice.
So, to summarise, how about we leave that collider alone boys, maybe we don't want to know these things, and close SETI.. that way we can spend its funding on Beer and chips.
I've already brought you The Hardcore Theory, which proves I earned my Phd in "being wonderful" and my doctorate in "bringing sexy back", I also have 3 GCSEs in erotic Massage, but what next?
Well, today I've decided to unveil one of my boldest statements ever, and simultaneously answer some deep, profound questions that have plagued mankind since the dawn of the civilised world. As we no doubt all know, the CERN laboratory in Switzerland has built a LHC [Large Hadron Collider], which is nothing to my FLHC [F**king Large Hadron Collider], but I will not steal their thunder. They say that when they begin full particle collisions on the 21st of October, they will learn some of the deepest secrets of the universe, others say they will forma series of black holes which will slowly and painfully pull us all apart molecule by molecule in what will seem like a few thousand years thanks to the massive time dilation you'd experience on your way in.
Other "scientists" claim that the effects will not appear until December 2012, bizarrely the same date the Mayan calender ends, where upon the magnetic poles will shift and there will be cataclysmic weather patterns that shall wipe us all out for good. I'm not speculating on this in particular, I'm more concerned with the questions CERN want answered, namely;
a) What happend in the micro-seconds after the "Big Bang"
b) Is faster than light travel possible
c) Is time travel possible?
d) Can we use such knowledge to combat disease and cancers?
Now, instead of all that cash, they could have just asked me;
a) A fucking large explosion
b) No
c) No
d) Probably not
I shall now explain my reasons for my answers to b and c.
Firstly, time and light are relative, ok? This means, in basic terms, if you were to avoid the advice of your optometrist and Jon Snow, and look directly at the sun, you would see the sun as it was 8 minutes ago. Keeping up so far? good. Now, if you travel faster than that light approaching from the sun, you (and I know this sounds dumb, but its true and very complicated] would travel back through those 8 minutes and possibly more. So, yes you would travel back in time. So, how do I know its not possible to do either if I just said its theoretically possible?
Well, those beardy blokes down at the SETI program finally get an alien on the blower who invites us over for a few beers, to take a vehicle capable of light speed would mean it still took you a fair old while to reach Pluto, which means you'd be bloody late. You'd need to go faster, but, if you did, you'd arrive at pluto in 1939.. which is before you were sent, your ship was built and most importantly, before you were invited which is just plain rude. So you tootle back home, only you get back to find its now 1867 and you mistakenly marry your great-gran.
What about time travel in other ways though? Well, that isnt possible either. why? Let me enlighten you.
Firstly, lets say you build your time machine and pop back to 1939 to give the old allies a bit of help against that naughty Hitler boy with a donation of your mobile phone and such for reverse engineering purposes, firstly, whatever help you offer makes no difference because as we know, no-one did do this because history would record it, infact no-one EVER does it, because it would have already happend.
Even if you say you did, these guys would then reverse engineer your mobile phone, technology would advance, and you'd never have had such a primitve phone in the first place to go back in time with.
Time travel has other implications, say you went into the future and saw yourself as a fat, balding 50 year old, you would then know that whatever course your life took, that is for certain where you would end up, or else you wouldn't have been able to witness yourself in such a mess to then know to change your lifestyle. You would, however, also know that NOTHING you do between now and then will result in injury or death, because you look fine in the future, no matter how you triedto kill yourself, something would always avert it. You'd certainly be left with a hopeless feeling if knowing no choice you make matters, becasue you have no choice.
So, to summarise, how about we leave that collider alone boys, maybe we don't want to know these things, and close SETI.. that way we can spend its funding on Beer and chips.
Wednesday 10 September 2008
Blogger's Choice Awards 2008
Voting closes sometime in October, and no.. we aren't going to win anything this time around it seems. However, our base readership remains strong and we will welcome you all into our New World Order when the inevitable apocalyptic rain of Scotch Eggs comes to flatten the heathens.
Frankly, just to be nominated in so many categories was flattering enough and of course massive thanks to those of you that voted. Our plans to continue improving things here has led me away from the actual writing part of this project recently for which I apologise, but before you have the Child Support Agency hound me to death, wait for the fruits of my toils.
Like Arnie - "I'll be back", but unlike Arnie, it won't be to grope your breasts, unless you ask nicely.
Frankly, just to be nominated in so many categories was flattering enough and of course massive thanks to those of you that voted. Our plans to continue improving things here has led me away from the actual writing part of this project recently for which I apologise, but before you have the Child Support Agency hound me to death, wait for the fruits of my toils.
Like Arnie - "I'll be back", but unlike Arnie, it won't be to grope your breasts, unless you ask nicely.
Tuesday 9 September 2008
Cleaning out my closet
I was going through my stuff the other day to see how much crap I can jettison. Anyway, I discovered a scrawled note I wrote while drunk 2 years ago. A draft for a brand new Hollyoaks theme song that I had clearly planned to post to its writers. I've done my best to decipher my childish scrawl to bring it to you here:
Hollyoaks Theme ("Cheshire's Calling")
(Apocalyptic pipe organ opening)
All along the city walls
Lofty spires and busy streets
Cheshire's playing on my mind
And the call to arms was truu-uu-uuue
Hollyoaks- we're sure you understand
Hollyoaks- give me the will to survive
Nourish my soul and stay my shaking hand
From the old cathedral to the bingo hall
Answering Cheshire's caa-aaa-aaa-lll
(Xylophone solo)
Hollyoaks! Bring me back from this cycle of hatred- YEAHH!! (BIG FINISH)
There you have it. I found two other drafts as well but they're too satanic to publish. Hope you appreciate its artistic quality, and conclusive proof of the mind altering effects of Hydes bitter...
Hollyoaks Theme ("Cheshire's Calling")
(Apocalyptic pipe organ opening)
All along the city walls
Lofty spires and busy streets
Cheshire's playing on my mind
And the call to arms was truu-uu-uuue
Hollyoaks- we're sure you understand
Hollyoaks- give me the will to survive
Nourish my soul and stay my shaking hand
From the old cathedral to the bingo hall
Answering Cheshire's caa-aaa-aaa-lll
(Xylophone solo)
Hollyoaks! Bring me back from this cycle of hatred- YEAHH!! (BIG FINISH)
There you have it. I found two other drafts as well but they're too satanic to publish. Hope you appreciate its artistic quality, and conclusive proof of the mind altering effects of Hydes bitter...
Monday 8 September 2008
Tip-toeing The Thin Line Between Lord of the Rings and Reality
Well, it's been a while. Partially because I was suffering some ridiculous foreign disease (chicken pox) that made me look like a gory chocolate chip cookie and it may also have to do with the fact that the most exciting thing I've done in the past week was take showers (which, albeit, could be quite fun with the right kind of showerhead, no...) But this has nothing to do with sexual fr
ustration, but rather to do with my newest plan to miss work/school.
ustration, but rather to do with my newest plan to miss work/school.Right now, the tentative plan is to y'know, watch movies, cavort about downtown Toronto (which is the only part that isn't utter shite), and seduce Viggo Mortensen. Well, actually that's not exciting at all. It's pretty routine stuff, but probably a lot more interesting considering it is Film Festival time which significantly highers my chances (on the sex with Aragorn front, that is).
Unfortunately, it's going to suck, because the only people who care are hipsters or Entertainment Tonight (which I absolutely don't watch ever). BUT it's North American and female (mostly) and shorter which gives me something to write about.
Unfortunately, it's going to suck, because the only people who care are hipsters or Entertainment Tonight (which I absolutely don't watch ever). BUT it's North American and female (mostly) and shorter which gives me something to write about.
So far, I have been to the premieres of Burn After Reading, Blindness, Mia et le Migou (I was bored) and Wavelengths. Clearly, I haven't had sex with ANY fictional characters and am now short about $120.00 but that's okay (except for the part where I was not in Isildur's heir's bed.) But, on the bright side, I did meet Brad Pitt while getting hot dogs which I think is definitely foreshadowing of some sort (hopefully nothing to do with a sex change though.) The Coen brothers kicked ass, but unfortunately, I still can't tell them apart. And that was Burn After Reading.
The Blindness premiere, however, was way cooler than Burn After Reading because a) it had less old people and b) Gael Garcia Bernal. I also met with Dominic Monaghan and told him he looks "an awful lot like Dominic Monaghan" whereupon I was told by a Frenchman that it was, in fact, Dominic Monaghan. This sort of thing happens to me ALL THE TIME.
Then, I was told Adrien Brody was somewhere in the vicinity as well, and in a leather jacket to boot. After that I just sort of died of sexual frustration.
No, but the movies were great. Definitely worth checking out. So, all in all, it was alright, and Viggo Mortensen is still in town so at the very least, maybe he can tell me what Scotch eggs are (because he's supposed to know that kind of stuff.)
Sunday 7 September 2008
Keeping the northern faith
This weekend, I had my first taste of northern culture in 15 months and I enjoyed it muchly.
I was back in Manchester to check out my new house and ponder the future. I must confess that all this time away means that I go a bit loopy as soon as I have access to proper British food & drink. My first pub meal was a binge of steak pie, chips, ale, apple crumble and custard that caused me serious internal damage. This weekend was no exception and my attempt to drink every single beer produced by my nearest brewery could have ended in tears but was saved by tactical chips. But if you had to endure a year of drinking foul French lager that's about as classy as drinking urine out of a shoe, you probably do the same.
Manchester was it's normal self- reluctant chav husbands trawl through the shops with their wannabe WAG-wives, northern lasses with tight hair spill out of cabs and straight into the trousers of men in checked shirts, and the infamous Crazy Bus Lady preached to us on the government conspiracy involving a confusing combination of aliens and freemasons.
I was truly home.
I shall be rewarded for a year of crappy croissants. I'll have fresh wholemeal bread, afternoon tea and cricket on the village green. T'will be splendid. There won't be as many random tales of European adventures this year but it should be just as fun.
I'm going to be thinking a lot about our beloved nation over the next few weeks. What makes Britain Britain? Is it our obsession with sofa adverts? Is it Kerry Katona's face?
All shall be revealed very soon.
I was back in Manchester to check out my new house and ponder the future. I must confess that all this time away means that I go a bit loopy as soon as I have access to proper British food & drink. My first pub meal was a binge of steak pie, chips, ale, apple crumble and custard that caused me serious internal damage. This weekend was no exception and my attempt to drink every single beer produced by my nearest brewery could have ended in tears but was saved by tactical chips. But if you had to endure a year of drinking foul French lager that's about as classy as drinking urine out of a shoe, you probably do the same.
Manchester was it's normal self- reluctant chav husbands trawl through the shops with their wannabe WAG-wives, northern lasses with tight hair spill out of cabs and straight into the trousers of men in checked shirts, and the infamous Crazy Bus Lady preached to us on the government conspiracy involving a confusing combination of aliens and freemasons.
I was truly home.
I shall be rewarded for a year of crappy croissants. I'll have fresh wholemeal bread, afternoon tea and cricket on the village green. T'will be splendid. There won't be as many random tales of European adventures this year but it should be just as fun.
I'm going to be thinking a lot about our beloved nation over the next few weeks. What makes Britain Britain? Is it our obsession with sofa adverts? Is it Kerry Katona's face?
All shall be revealed very soon.
Saturday 6 September 2008
It's that time again...
The World cup may be almost two full years away, but already we have the fever.
I've been awake at night for months, planning my verbal assault on whoever receives Ravi's support this time around. Being a loyal kind of chap, my love affair with Swedish football is far from over.. and the home nations? I'm in with Scotland, I'm half-Scottish thus I can do such things. England's uninspiring and shambolic football, played by a bunch of greasy, over paid, fat, nancy-boys has pissed me off one too many times.
So, in keeping with previous coverage of the European Championships, I'm going to make my qualification predictions below, let the arguments commence;
The final distribution fo qualiying positions looks like this;
Europe (UEFA): 13 places
Africa (CAF) : 5 places (South Africa qualified automatically as host nation for a total of 6 places)
South America (CONMEBOL) : 4 or 5 places
Asia (AFC) : 4 or 5 places
North, Central American and Caribbean (CONCACAF) : 3 or 4 places
Oceania (OFC) : 0 or 1 place
S. American Qualifying Predictions;
Argentina
Ecuador
Paraguay
Brazil
Uruguay
African Qualifying Predictions;
S. Africa [obviously]
Nigeria
Egypt
Senegal
Cameroon
Ghana
Europe Qualifying Predictions (those in italics will qualify for 2nd stage quals ONLY and NOT Finals);
Portugal
Sweden
Czech Republic
Poland
Russia
Germany
Finland
Spain
Turkey
England
Croatia
Ukraine
France
Serbia
Scotland
Norway
Asia Qualifying Predictions;
Australia
Japan
South Korea
Iran
Oceania Predictions;
No Qualifiers predicted
North, Central America and Carribean;
USA
Canada
Mexico
Trinidad & Tobago
There we go, fire at will!
I've been awake at night for months, planning my verbal assault on whoever receives Ravi's support this time around. Being a loyal kind of chap, my love affair with Swedish football is far from over.. and the home nations? I'm in with Scotland, I'm half-Scottish thus I can do such things. England's uninspiring and shambolic football, played by a bunch of greasy, over paid, fat, nancy-boys has pissed me off one too many times.
So, in keeping with previous coverage of the European Championships, I'm going to make my qualification predictions below, let the arguments commence;
The final distribution fo qualiying positions looks like this;
Europe (UEFA): 13 places
Africa (CAF) : 5 places (South Africa qualified automatically as host nation for a total of 6 places)
South America (CONMEBOL) : 4 or 5 places
Asia (AFC) : 4 or 5 places
North, Central American and Caribbean (CONCACAF) : 3 or 4 places
Oceania (OFC) : 0 or 1 place
S. American Qualifying Predictions;
Argentina
Ecuador
Paraguay
Brazil
Uruguay
African Qualifying Predictions;
S. Africa [obviously]
Nigeria
Egypt
Senegal
Cameroon
Ghana
Europe Qualifying Predictions (those in italics will qualify for 2nd stage quals ONLY and NOT Finals);
Portugal
Sweden
Czech Republic
Poland
Russia
Germany
Finland
Spain
Turkey
England
Croatia
Ukraine
France
Serbia
Scotland
Norway
Asia Qualifying Predictions;
Australia
Japan
South Korea
Iran
Oceania Predictions;
No Qualifiers predicted
North, Central America and Carribean;
USA
Canada
Mexico
Trinidad & Tobago
There we go, fire at will!
Friday 5 September 2008
The Great Facebook Blow-off
After our Euro 2008 "let's change our names" stunt,I have decided any such activity in the future should be considered seriously before we just do it.
This is because Facebook have, it would appear, taken a very dim view of our antics. Apparantly, I have broken the user policy agreement in several key areas according to some. My posts about the German football team and certain other international footballers are offensive, and yet.. no-one complained.
Basically, my first rule infringement was use of the name "Benji Hardcore" a moniker given to me since even before The Deadlights all those years ago, when I took my Swedish name onto facebook all was tickety-boo, however, upon attempting to change my name back to Mr. Hardcore, or even to my real name, Facebook have frequently blown me off.
Facebook blew me off believing that no-one with the name "Heikki Backstrom" would choose such a name and thus it must be my birth name, I protested that it was part of our Campaign, at which point my posts were obviously unearthed. So, it would now appear that perhaps the only way to get my correct name onto facebook is to mail them two forms of identification and autility bill. This sounds a lot of work, and exposes Facebook's pointless rule system that states you must always use your FULL and correct name.. this sounds as much fun as drowning.
The policy is clearly that Facebook is a social network and as such is fun, as long as that fun in sensibly apporached and undertaken within some parameters, which is a bit like having the guards at Auschwitz partake in a "funny tie" day at the end of every week. Planned and controlled fun, is not fun. A social network just.. isn't.. without the use of nicknames and false titles. Lord Sheepy Van Der Sheep-Sheep and Jonny McGay are much better names to appear on your friends list than Steve or, in these cases, Dan or Simon.
So, with that in mind, and also taking into consideration that I'm a very lazy man, I will call Facebook's bluff, and continue on with my adoptive name, because by doing so I am making a mockery of their oh-so-serious naming policy.
Which suits me just fine.
Although, my mind boggles as to why Ravi had no similar difficulty...
This is because Facebook have, it would appear, taken a very dim view of our antics. Apparantly, I have broken the user policy agreement in several key areas according to some. My posts about the German football team and certain other international footballers are offensive, and yet.. no-one complained.
Basically, my first rule infringement was use of the name "Benji Hardcore" a moniker given to me since even before The Deadlights all those years ago, when I took my Swedish name onto facebook all was tickety-boo, however, upon attempting to change my name back to Mr. Hardcore, or even to my real name, Facebook have frequently blown me off.
Facebook blew me off believing that no-one with the name "Heikki Backstrom" would choose such a name and thus it must be my birth name, I protested that it was part of our Campaign, at which point my posts were obviously unearthed. So, it would now appear that perhaps the only way to get my correct name onto facebook is to mail them two forms of identification and autility bill. This sounds a lot of work, and exposes Facebook's pointless rule system that states you must always use your FULL and correct name.. this sounds as much fun as drowning.
The policy is clearly that Facebook is a social network and as such is fun, as long as that fun in sensibly apporached and undertaken within some parameters, which is a bit like having the guards at Auschwitz partake in a "funny tie" day at the end of every week. Planned and controlled fun, is not fun. A social network just.. isn't.. without the use of nicknames and false titles. Lord Sheepy Van Der Sheep-Sheep and Jonny McGay are much better names to appear on your friends list than Steve or, in these cases, Dan or Simon.
So, with that in mind, and also taking into consideration that I'm a very lazy man, I will call Facebook's bluff, and continue on with my adoptive name, because by doing so I am making a mockery of their oh-so-serious naming policy.
Which suits me just fine.
Although, my mind boggles as to why Ravi had no similar difficulty...
Thursday 4 September 2008
Chad Vader #1
It has not gone unnoticed that the majority of readers and writers on this blog have at some point worked in a store or supermarket, so we thought you'd enjoy this series, starting today, obviously.
Wednesday 3 September 2008
8 Reasons we're better than everyone else
Today, my computer is being a pain so my update will be brief.
Over the coming weeks we're going to be doing plenty of stuff besides our fortnight look at music in our local areas.
We shall be;
- Tinkering with the site, adding new fun functionality
- Getting our World Cup 2010 Campaigns off to a start with some qualifier based hilarity
- Learning some pointless Swedish for our raid on Stockholm
- Drinking.. alot
- Trying out a new kind of Scotch egg, I'm sure Rav will love that idea
- Bad-mouthing Starbucks
- Ghost writing angry letters to our local newspapers
- Attempting to sell photos of ourselves online to websites and magazines to see just how easy it is to gain celebrity status for doing fuck all.
Keep it here, cos no other blog bothers.
Over the coming weeks we're going to be doing plenty of stuff besides our fortnight look at music in our local areas.
We shall be;
- Tinkering with the site, adding new fun functionality
- Getting our World Cup 2010 Campaigns off to a start with some qualifier based hilarity
- Learning some pointless Swedish for our raid on Stockholm
- Drinking.. alot
- Trying out a new kind of Scotch egg, I'm sure Rav will love that idea
- Bad-mouthing Starbucks
- Ghost writing angry letters to our local newspapers
- Attempting to sell photos of ourselves online to websites and magazines to see just how easy it is to gain celebrity status for doing fuck all.
Keep it here, cos no other blog bothers.
Monday 1 September 2008
A bit of something new..
To kick us off nicely I have some lovely Deadlights news.
I've been back to the drawing board, worked my ass off quietly at home and despite the loss of the song writing genius and all round guitar hero that is my lifelong friend, Daniel Helme, things look healthy.
I imagine you'll now be wondering a few things and it would be rude not to say a bit so, the plan [which as we know may or may not come to fruition] is to work behind closed doors for the rest of 2008 at the very least. An EP is another obvious move.
What will it sound like? We don't know. Its the same name, but a whole new project and a sound has to be found I guess.
Who is involved? You'll find out when we chat to Ravi sometime soon.
For now, that'll just have to do you.
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