The think its all over..

Final day looms on the horizon like smog over Beijing as we all wait to see whether the bragging rights go to Ravi or Adam.

The competition is now irrelevant, The Hardcore Effect is where its at, as always we have been at the cutting edge of football journalism to get the very latest just for you.

The Germans, as always are relaxed and collected ahead of this closely matched crunch tie, even taking timeout to invent an entirely new kind of sausage. Jonny Lovespuds has ordered his squad to use the night before the match constructively saying, "Arbeit macht frei" or words to that effect. Lovespuds himself has been pouring over all his tactical notes and Jens Lehmann waits to see if he has been replaced in the starting line-up by his close rival, a pot of Muller-rice. That spot is just within his buttery fingers if he can hold the keen upstart at bay.

Over in the Spanish camp, everyone has been asleep in deckchairs with donkeys tied to them with their sombreros over their eyes showing their rivals they are unfazed by the reputation that preceeds an impressive German side.

Fernando Torres rose momentarily, possibly because in a momentary lapse of concentration he forgot he was Spanish and therefore lazy, to cook the team a healthy balanced meal, the national dish known as piella. Piella consists of rice and whatever you find in the trash, you mix these together and leave on a medium heat while you go back to sleep and by the time you can be arsed to move again, you'll have a tasty, energy packed meal ready to go.

Both sides got up to a bit of homo-erotic ass slapping in the pool in the early afternoon, and as the Spaniards once again headed back to get pissed and sit in a chair, the German camp bounced to the sound of a whole squad in lederhosen dancing to the contemporary sound of the disc that has become synonymous with German Success in this tournament - "Bavarian Lederhosen Party-time Dance-off 12", with celebrations led by a drunk and naked David Hasselhoff.

Hasselhoff believes that victory is pretty much certain after becoming personally involved in the teams training, players have a running start while David drunkenly stumbles behind them attempting to grope their pert backsides, any goosed player must then allow Hasselhoff to eat his post match treats and take his wife. Joachim Lovespuds claims this method is most effective, and has even improved Ballack's accuracy in front of goal, bookmakers raised the odds of him "just bunging it over the bar" accordingly to 3/1.

Latest bets from PaddyPower.co.uk

Spaniards to sleep in - 2/1
Lehmann attacked by albatross - 4/1
Pot of Muller Rice clean sheet - 5/1
Lehmann clean sheet - 12/1
Podolski to remember he is Polish and declare himself ineligible - 15/1
David Hasselhoff to streak - Evens

Mystic Ravi fails again..

Well, we were both wrong really. I too predicted that the Dutch would grab a drug enhanced win and the Russians could go back to being drunk and flammable.

I don't know which is worse though. Myself for using a bit of logic, or Ravi for using Tarot cards and mysticism which have so far proved to be as accurate at measuring football results as an alsation is at predicting weather cycles.

Worst of all, I can see a German victory on the horizon. It's 1939 again and I'm Warsaw.

I can see Italy beating Spain also, because it has been a tournament of upsets and Spain seem to have had it all their way. I hate to side with Ravi on this, but it seems the Germans have this one, which is kind of good because it seems my support is a kiss of death to any football campaign. I am the football equivalent of a black widow, hope Schweini has his kleenex mansize at the ready.. theres gonna be efficent, punctual tears.

German Football: Better than the music, equally perverse.

Nothing about German music can possibly be described as "essential", where as "shit" on the other hand could be quite apt.


I've said it once and I'll say it again. Germans lack flair and passion. They are a cold race who break every task down into pure logic and mathematics, never smile and stand on animals in high heeled shoes and film it. Danger wanking was invented in Germany, and sexual deviancy is widespread.



Just like you have to be a paedophile to be a leader in the boy scouts, you have to be a pervert to be a true German. Bastian Schweinsteiger is into watersports, Lukas Podolski covers his wife's bare feet in marmite and licks them clean, Mrs. Ballack spends most of her time taking laxatives and dumping on her husband for thrills and the less said about Jonny Lovespuds and his gimp costume the better frankly.

Anyway, back to the lack of passion. Take a Mercedes-Benz or a BMW for example, both are machines designed for a purpose and produced in such away as to be flawless, but more often than not they are ugly and dull.

People should go on holiday to Germany, they have beer, everythings clean and efficent, the trains run on time.. but no-one does. We all go to Italy or Spain and its for this very reason.

German musicians are without exception as much use as a diving bell made entirely from emmental cheese.

This is all irrelevant though, because despite my dearest hopes it looks like you may just blitzkrieg your way to the European Trophy this time round and before you know it you'll be enjoying the post match celebratory bath with the team, in your thong, with rubber cocks sellotaped to your hands and theres certainly nothing Sweden can do to fix that any longer.

Krauting it up to the max

Guten abend everyone,

Firstly, well done to my German lads for a great performance against Poland- they really have form against those guys wouldn't you say? Old Miroslav came Klose a couple of times but in the end it was Podolski who grabbed the plaudits with a cheeky double. Bring on Croatia I say, with their silly checked shirts and feeble badger-filled sausages...

Benji has indeed been pulling out the stops Swedely speaking but watch how his bragging falls flat like a limp herring when I tell you how I've been serving the German fatherland.

I shall undertake the following lifestyle changes, effective immediately.
- From now on, all meals including breakfast and afternoon tea will consist of this:

Benji takes the top slice off a cress sandwich and calls it smorgasbord, but I go that extra mile- regardless of the consequences for my arteries...

-As I'm always having to stand up on the metro, bus etc I plan to embrace the German stereotype by placing a beach towel, a tube of Ambre Solaire and a pair of sunglasses on every seat in the whole of Paris, including park benches and bar stools.

-My street is too French-sounding, I plan to rename it. If more people join my German supporters group than Benji's swedish group I will not only change my name permanently to something Germanic but I will neck a pint of sauerkraut as well and post the resultant video on youtube.

-ABBA tributes bands have been done to death- I plan a German-inspired lounge jazz ensemble offering querky takes on classics by such groups as Rammstein, Sportfreunder Stiller, Rosenstolz, as well as German versions of popular indie classics. Look out for "Ich habe jetz die selben jeans fur vier tagen getragen"- coming at you very soon.

-I have Audi, Erdinger and Lufthansa hammering on the door with sponsorship deals. Hapag Lloyd want to name a cruise ship after me and Adidas want to give me Michael Ballack, but I'm beating them off with a pointy stick because I've got something much better in the pipeline...

On Thursday I shall attempt to pass myself off as a German and watch the match with a group of Germans. Will I succeed or will I be sent outside with the other brits? Will Coventry City enter Euro 2008 through some bizarre loophole and dick on everyone? Watch this space....

The Germans will win Swede F.A.

There I was, minding my own business listening to Abba's Greatest Hits when Ravi shows up and posts something so ludicrous I choked on my Kopparberg and Absolut chaser.

Mate, the last time someone was as wrong as you've just been, they were arguing the benefits of messing with bees and using them as weapons.

Sweden is responsible for everything good... ever. A lot like me.

Abba are the finest band to have ever walked the earth, which explains why my greatest hits CD is 3 years long. There are just so many poptastic tunes to fit in.
My house is furnished entirely from Ikea, this makes me the most stylish man to have ever lived and provides a great opportunity to display my man skills and knock up a shelving unit or two and still have enough time to sit down for some lingonberry sauce and an ice cold Absolut on the rocks.

Ugly girls don't exist in Sweden, everyone is beautiful and pleasant, which can hardly be said for a nation famed for hairy women and a serious demeanour. In Japan they call the "Jap's eye" the "German's Mouth".. because it never smiles.

For a country awash with gorgeous blonde young ladies, they actually get a lot of work done, Swedish design and architecture are pretty world leading. They are a multi-skilled and inventive race, Take for example Swedish team coach, Lars Lagerbäck.

First off, thats a cool name if ever there was one. The man has also become a tactical genius, this is probably due to his being constantly pissed from tasting and quality testing lager, which he invented. All lager has to be personally approved by Mr. Lagerbäck before being exported and having "brewed in Germany" plastered on it, this is because he's a modest man and doesn't want his brewing genius overshadowing his football campaign.

His team are a top bunch too.

Freddie Ljungberg - A man so hot he makes men wet. I'd say he is probably the most flamboyant and interesting midfielder in the world, he's recently shaved his head becuase he believes the lowered wind resistance will allow him to make fast runs down the wing, and his hair, which is naturally bright red, distracts teammates during set-pieces. He enjoys modelling tight underwear in his spare time, this he wears to prevent bruising to the lovespuds.. a crippling injury which can take months of physio to recover from.

Henrik Larsson - As a Ranger's fan, I can appreciate just how talented this bloke is. Following Freddie's advice has ditched the dreadlocks and given up the rasta lifestyle to increase his on pitch efficency. He's played his way around the world, which means he's picked up lots of valuble skills. He can make fantastic piella, his time in Scotland taught him that when the chips are down and you are a goal behind the best way out of it is to break your bottle of Newcastle Brown in your marker's face and shout "Stitch that, Jimmy!", and lets face it Scotch eggs are a great source of sustainable energy.

Olof Mellberg - Olof is the angriest man in the world, styled to look like a football hooligan rather than a player. His "aggressive negotation skills" recently won him a transfer from Birmingham giants, Aston Villa to Juventus. Known to challenge referees to "A fight to the death", Olof has revealed his favourite weapon for such occasions is the spade.

Petter Hansson - Petter looks like a sex offender. Living in France has given him girly, greasy hippy locks. This shows he has not been attending Mr. Ljungberg's Pre-match aerodynamics lectures. He has now established himself as one of the first choice centre backs for Sweden.

Kim Källström - Kim plays for Lyon, which is quite an acheivement, because he is 8 years old and has a girl's name.

Taking that aside for a moment, he has staggering power in his left foot and has netted 8 times in 55 appearances, more goals than any other primary school aged International footballer. Plays at his best after a glass of milk and a story from Lars on the quiet carpet.

Meet Das Fokkers

As Euro 2008 gets underway, I've set myself the following goals for this week of supporting Germany.
- learn German
- find some German football fans and hang out with them
- replace my normal diet of sauerkraut, brattwurst and pumpernickel with something more German

To kick things off I'm going to give you a brief profile of a few German players to keep your eye on:
JENS LEHMANN- he's big, he's kraut and he'll knock you fookin out. A favourite with Arsenal fans, cock-up artist Jens is great fun to watch. Watch in awe as he hurls the ball into his own net with panache or gets attacked by a gang of pigeons that have set up roost in his goalmouth.

BASTIAN SCHWEINSTEIGER- he'll bamboozle defenders with his mazy runs as well as British commentators who try to pronounce his name. Germany's version of Rooney- an angry red faced little chap, but with a camper hairdo. However, he has his weaknesses- according to an eminent Sky commentator, his left foot couldn't even open a can of beans. Cheers for that pearl of wisdom Murdoch...

TORSTEN FRINGS- less of a name, more of a Danish vacuum cleaner bag manufacturer don't you think?

MICHAEL BALLACK- die fuhrer. Popular with posh cockneys. Good at penalties and getting into fights with guys smaller than him. The official face of the German railway network and if need cheap Adidas trackies or a knock-off Samsung mobile, let him know.

MARIO GOMEZ- as German as beef & Yorkshire pud. Watch his Latin spirit inject some viagra into the flaccid cock that is "German footballing flair".

And to provoke a bit of healthy debate, here's why Sweden are shit;
- They never invade anyone
- Henrik Larsson cut off his dreadlocks
- Their sandwiches only use one slice of bread
- They take Eurovision too seriously
- Pickled herring were invented in Coventry by Steve P. Herring in 1964, but then the Vikings nicked it.