The think its all over..

Final day looms on the horizon like smog over Beijing as we all wait to see whether the bragging rights go to Ravi or Adam.

The competition is now irrelevant, The Hardcore Effect is where its at, as always we have been at the cutting edge of football journalism to get the very latest just for you.

The Germans, as always are relaxed and collected ahead of this closely matched crunch tie, even taking timeout to invent an entirely new kind of sausage. Jonny Lovespuds has ordered his squad to use the night before the match constructively saying, "Arbeit macht frei" or words to that effect. Lovespuds himself has been pouring over all his tactical notes and Jens Lehmann waits to see if he has been replaced in the starting line-up by his close rival, a pot of Muller-rice. That spot is just within his buttery fingers if he can hold the keen upstart at bay.

Over in the Spanish camp, everyone has been asleep in deckchairs with donkeys tied to them with their sombreros over their eyes showing their rivals they are unfazed by the reputation that preceeds an impressive German side.

Fernando Torres rose momentarily, possibly because in a momentary lapse of concentration he forgot he was Spanish and therefore lazy, to cook the team a healthy balanced meal, the national dish known as piella. Piella consists of rice and whatever you find in the trash, you mix these together and leave on a medium heat while you go back to sleep and by the time you can be arsed to move again, you'll have a tasty, energy packed meal ready to go.

Both sides got up to a bit of homo-erotic ass slapping in the pool in the early afternoon, and as the Spaniards once again headed back to get pissed and sit in a chair, the German camp bounced to the sound of a whole squad in lederhosen dancing to the contemporary sound of the disc that has become synonymous with German Success in this tournament - "Bavarian Lederhosen Party-time Dance-off 12", with celebrations led by a drunk and naked David Hasselhoff.

Hasselhoff believes that victory is pretty much certain after becoming personally involved in the teams training, players have a running start while David drunkenly stumbles behind them attempting to grope their pert backsides, any goosed player must then allow Hasselhoff to eat his post match treats and take his wife. Joachim Lovespuds claims this method is most effective, and has even improved Ballack's accuracy in front of goal, bookmakers raised the odds of him "just bunging it over the bar" accordingly to 3/1.

Latest bets from PaddyPower.co.uk

Spaniards to sleep in - 2/1
Lehmann attacked by albatross - 4/1
Pot of Muller Rice clean sheet - 5/1
Lehmann clean sheet - 12/1
Podolski to remember he is Polish and declare himself ineligible - 15/1
David Hasselhoff to streak - Evens

What an Outrage!

Frankly, Sweden were robbed. That is all there is to it, and yes Larsson's Codpiece was out for its annual scraping and of course than man in the shop supported Spain, and yes, he will be lynched by my hordes.

Take all that aside though, and just imagine if we'd claimed that point. Picking Sweden was very much like picking Minardi, Eddie the Eagle or Plymouth Argyle. I chose the plucky underdog.. and everyone loves an underdog with the possible exception of Jean Todt.

That one point would have thrown the group wide open and left Adam in line for a severe but fair cock-slapping from my good self. I'm not concerned though, after all its Spain and sooner or later something will make them fuck it all up, its inevitable.

Perhaps Fernando Torres' donkey will escape, or David Villa will get distracted by his spouse, and end up having a blazing pitchside row, which involves alot of arm expression, slapping and speaking unnaturally fast or maybe someone will play their national anthem - "The Mexican Hat Dance" - and they will all have to take siesta and sleep in deck chairs with straw hats over their eyes in respect. Either way, it will happen.

I've already started on a lego voodoo doll of David Villa, and if it works, he'll soon find himself nothing but a mere puddle, inside my microwave.

For now though, I turn my attention to the Russians, who have sobered up long enough to beat Greece. I consider them a threat, in the same way Ravi considers a Smorgasbord a Sandwich. I don't. Sure, as a Rangers fan, I kicked a few heads in after Zenit St. Petersburg, and learned the Russians are not to be underestimated after the met England in qualifying.

However, we must look at the facts. This is a team who spent 75 years queueing for a loaf of bread and some vinegar under communism, are they really going to have the energy left to beat Sweden? They will probably be distracted by all the Mafia hits they have to complete whilst there, the spying and the hunting reindeer for the harsh winters. The only real incentive to win is to avoid serving their remaining years in a Siberian Gulag.. which is just what happend to Dmitri Kharine. His crazy love of all things western; Money, Girls, Disco, Lack of police beatings, Freedom of speech, No chechen rebels and more money, meant he was never the Premier's favourite bloke really.

Guus Hiddink, a man with unlikely hair and a head shaped like Chippolata, encourages his players to swear in training and to joke about each others clubs. It isn't Sweden thats a stoned Dutch media studies project, its the Russian national football team.

They are shakier at the back than a Parkinson's sufferer operating a pneumatic drill and the Berezutsky twins are frankly the worst headers of the ball in the World today.

Freddie Ljungberg will use his dazzling looks to distract Aleksandr Anyukov, who I suspect holds a subscription to "Big boys in boots" magazine, Larsson will distract older team members by complaining, comparing ailments, sharing stories that don't go anywhere and misleading them into believeing its Pension day and they should be queueing in the post office, and Ibrahimovic, fresh from his acupuncture session, will use his newly realigned chakras to boot it home. Simple.

Bring it on I say.