Well, Sweden are out. Gutted doesn't even begin to describe my feelings as I lay there, in the foetal position, crying like a Welsh sheperd who is allergic to wool.
I have however, started to see a silver lining, as have the team.
Kim Kallstrom is very pleased, not only has he now earned his International football badge for scouts, but his visit to Austria has allowed him to complete his collection of contemporary European postage stamps.
Freddie Ljungberg now has more time to shop for tight pants without all that bloody football getting in the way.
Lars Lagerback can go back to brewing a new kind of lager that whitens teeth. Petter Hansson can get back to work in that home for vulnerable children. Olof Mellberg has taken up cage fighting and has developed a love of new hobby, In a recent interview with us he said; "I fucking love Kangaroo fighting, girls love it, nothing sexier than kicking the shit out of a Kangaroo. People say they can box, but they aren't shit."
On a negative note, easily influenced goalkeeper Andreas Isaksson has taken to copying Mellberg believing the animal fighting to be something to do with sexual dominance and mating rights, he was arrested last night after posting a video on Youtube of himself kicking a marmot until it agreed to have sex with him.
As for my silver lining, sure it was hard seeing Sweden lose, even harder than seeing England lose, but it wasn't as hard as finding out Dr. Oetker isn't Swedish and at least i got to drink my own body weight in Kopparberg.
As for now, I throw my support behind the Dutch. All those drugs they take, at least one of them must be performance enhancing.
--Match Predictions--
While Ravi, or should I say Jurgen, polishes his crystal balls and fucks around with tarot cards, which by the way are fucking shit for playing snap. I've taken my usual approach and shall predict the game using logic, psychology and body language analysis.
so, lets begin.
Slaven Bilic, all I sense from him is repressed homosexuality. Stock footage shows him fellating a badger filled sausage in the team hotel over dinner, and he has an earring which is a dead giveaway. His eye certainly roves in the direction of Luka Modric and his tight, tight shorts.
Luka is quite open to the idea but isn't really gay, he just flirts with the fashion.
The sexual tension will be cause for concern as Luka's team-mates clearly sense something is up.
The Turks will pounce on this, and I dont mean in the way Slaven would enjoy, and will beat Croatia 2-1. Afterwards, to celebrate the team will return to serving drinks in their own hotel and seducing any 14 year old girls that are holidaying there.
Showing posts with label Lars Lagerback. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lars Lagerback. Show all posts
Friday, 20 June 2008
Friday, 13 June 2008
Underhand Tactics
It would seem, as I write, Ravi's German army are showing themselves to be quite poor losers.
Police reports are flooding in of several pipe shaped explosive devices full of Currywurst being detonated in and around the tournament's stadiums. A Swede described one such explosion as "Loud, Hot, but delicious". Another of my Scandinavian brethren was seen having to hack off her beautiful Nordic blonde locks until she adopted what could only be described as an "accidental mullet". Many such accidental mulletings have occurred in recent moments due to large amounts of curry sauce penetrating the lovely blues eyes of the Sweden fans, resulting in catastrophic scissor mishandling while attempting to cut pieces of congealed sausage meat from their manes. The German government has denied supporting these attacks and has stepped forward with relief aid of 12,000 Red, Yellow and Black shellsuits [circa 1990] to replace the stylish but curry damaged garments of the Scandinavians.
In response, during a pre match press conference, Sweden Coach Lars Lagerback leapt from his chair to attack German Manager, Jonny Lovespuds. Lovespuds reacted by breaking no less than 14 bottles of Erdinger, spiked with sulphuric acid, over the Swede's bonce while screaming that Sweden played "Inefficent Football, with inefficent haircuts" and incinuated that Mr. Lagerback's mother was of "Questionable moral standing in her community". Lagerback responded almost immeadiatly by smashing Lovespuds in the face with a hastily constructed, but beautifully made flat-pack bar stool, before shrieking loudly and tearing off his victim's testicles. He then proceeded to perform an as yet undisclosed sex act on Mr.Lovespud's limp corpse.
The two were later seen outside the conference shaking hands, and laughing about the incident, which FIFA described as "The usually japery and tom-foolery we see between respected coaches".
Elsewhere, David Hasselhoff has goosed no less than 45,000 visiting Swedes, with similar numbers being invited, unsolicited, to jump in his car.
Small groups of Bavarians have also infiltrated some of the trendiest night-spots in Stockholm, replacing Kopparberg with draught brewed Lowenbrau. Many nightclubs had to close early after finding their CD collections stolen and replaced with "oom-pah" music and a CD entitled "Bavarian Lederhosen dance-off, party-time mania 12" which is well known to be a popular disc among bierebike.de enthusiasts.
All these events have proved to much for underfire Kraut goalkeeper Jens Lehmann, who became suicidal earlier today, he made a frantic phone call to me from his hotel this morning, first asking if Jim could fix it for him to have some hand-eye co-ordination, then to announce his intention to commit suicide by hanging. Despite my kind offer to allow him to "Bring me the rope, and I'll do it because you'll only fuck it up", he attempted it alone without aid, and due to a complete lack of scouting experience tied what detectives could only describe as a "fucking stupid knot" which he had attempted to strengthen with a chewed stick of wrigley's doublemint and some pritt-stick. Upon jumping from his chair, the knot gave way and hapless Jens fell to the floor, which due to some dodgy building works, caused a collapse which saw Jens fall through 4 storys of the hotel and into a Grand Piano.
Dazed and confused Jens jumped into a nearby ice cream van and drove to the country, whereupon he doused himself in Gin and attempted to set himself alight, a cruel twist of fate saw him sneeze at the cruical moment, sending out a gin spray which ignited a passing heron, which flapped into his face, screaming and ablaze, knocking Jens unconcious and burning off his "braus". In a statement, his mother said Jens would be fully recovered for his next match and his behaviour was out of character.
German Chancellor Hans-Fritz-Hans-Jurgen-Hans Von Schnurrbart, whilst denying involvment, was quoted as saying that anything that provided German fans with some "liebensraum" would be looked upon favourably, he stopped short of describing the events as funny, most likely due to his being German and inherent inability to own a sense of humour.
In retaliation, the people of Sweden have wisely elected me as their Overlord. My defence minister, Bjorn out of ABBA, has decided to use our latest flat-pack bomber to drop large clusters of multicoloured lego bricks on the German fans. The men, being German, will be compelled to spend hours arranging the crazy bricks into matching colours, indexed by size and sub-catagorised by weight and mass. While their oppressed housefraus, kept barefoot, chubby and pregnant due to the German men's love of WWII propaganda, will be left immobile by stepping on thousands of unnecessairly pointy lego bricks with their naked feet.
Please enjoy below, the new Swedish national anthem, set to a video of everything good [well almost everything good] about Sweden, that I have lovingly crafted for you.
Police reports are flooding in of several pipe shaped explosive devices full of Currywurst being detonated in and around the tournament's stadiums. A Swede described one such explosion as "Loud, Hot, but delicious". Another of my Scandinavian brethren was seen having to hack off her beautiful Nordic blonde locks until she adopted what could only be described as an "accidental mullet". Many such accidental mulletings have occurred in recent moments due to large amounts of curry sauce penetrating the lovely blues eyes of the Sweden fans, resulting in catastrophic scissor mishandling while attempting to cut pieces of congealed sausage meat from their manes. The German government has denied supporting these attacks and has stepped forward with relief aid of 12,000 Red, Yellow and Black shellsuits [circa 1990] to replace the stylish but curry damaged garments of the Scandinavians.
In response, during a pre match press conference, Sweden Coach Lars Lagerback leapt from his chair to attack German Manager, Jonny Lovespuds. Lovespuds reacted by breaking no less than 14 bottles of Erdinger, spiked with sulphuric acid, over the Swede's bonce while screaming that Sweden played "Inefficent Football, with inefficent haircuts" and incinuated that Mr. Lagerback's mother was of "Questionable moral standing in her community". Lagerback responded almost immeadiatly by smashing Lovespuds in the face with a hastily constructed, but beautifully made flat-pack bar stool, before shrieking loudly and tearing off his victim's testicles. He then proceeded to perform an as yet undisclosed sex act on Mr.Lovespud's limp corpse.
The two were later seen outside the conference shaking hands, and laughing about the incident, which FIFA described as "The usually japery and tom-foolery we see between respected coaches".
Elsewhere, David Hasselhoff has goosed no less than 45,000 visiting Swedes, with similar numbers being invited, unsolicited, to jump in his car.
Small groups of Bavarians have also infiltrated some of the trendiest night-spots in Stockholm, replacing Kopparberg with draught brewed Lowenbrau. Many nightclubs had to close early after finding their CD collections stolen and replaced with "oom-pah" music and a CD entitled "Bavarian Lederhosen dance-off, party-time mania 12" which is well known to be a popular disc among bierebike.de enthusiasts.
All these events have proved to much for underfire Kraut goalkeeper Jens Lehmann, who became suicidal earlier today, he made a frantic phone call to me from his hotel this morning, first asking if Jim could fix it for him to have some hand-eye co-ordination, then to announce his intention to commit suicide by hanging. Despite my kind offer to allow him to "Bring me the rope, and I'll do it because you'll only fuck it up", he attempted it alone without aid, and due to a complete lack of scouting experience tied what detectives could only describe as a "fucking stupid knot" which he had attempted to strengthen with a chewed stick of wrigley's doublemint and some pritt-stick. Upon jumping from his chair, the knot gave way and hapless Jens fell to the floor, which due to some dodgy building works, caused a collapse which saw Jens fall through 4 storys of the hotel and into a Grand Piano.
Dazed and confused Jens jumped into a nearby ice cream van and drove to the country, whereupon he doused himself in Gin and attempted to set himself alight, a cruel twist of fate saw him sneeze at the cruical moment, sending out a gin spray which ignited a passing heron, which flapped into his face, screaming and ablaze, knocking Jens unconcious and burning off his "braus". In a statement, his mother said Jens would be fully recovered for his next match and his behaviour was out of character.
German Chancellor Hans-Fritz-Hans-Jurgen-Hans Von Schnurrbart, whilst denying involvment, was quoted as saying that anything that provided German fans with some "liebensraum" would be looked upon favourably, he stopped short of describing the events as funny, most likely due to his being German and inherent inability to own a sense of humour.
In retaliation, the people of Sweden have wisely elected me as their Overlord. My defence minister, Bjorn out of ABBA, has decided to use our latest flat-pack bomber to drop large clusters of multicoloured lego bricks on the German fans. The men, being German, will be compelled to spend hours arranging the crazy bricks into matching colours, indexed by size and sub-catagorised by weight and mass. While their oppressed housefraus, kept barefoot, chubby and pregnant due to the German men's love of WWII propaganda, will be left immobile by stepping on thousands of unnecessairly pointy lego bricks with their naked feet.
Please enjoy below, the new Swedish national anthem, set to a video of everything good [well almost everything good] about Sweden, that I have lovingly crafted for you.
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
and again..
I've also been compiling a celebratory mix of some Swedish gems for the inevitable celebrations to come.
Ravi's apparant disdain for my planned creation of an ABBA tribute band has left me with little choice but to up my game and make a Sweden tribute band instead. It's a very mainstream track list, I'm sure you'll agree however I wasn't all that limited in my choices really.
Sweden has a finger in every pie musically, most albums seem to have a Swedish connection, well most good albums, the less said about David Hasselhoff the happier Ravi will be no doubt.
Tracks:
Temptation-Originally by Arash
Life Is A Flower-Originally by Ace Of Base
Erase/Rewind-Originally by The Cardigans
Show Me Love-Originally by Robyn
Crucified-Originally by The Army Of Lovers
The Visitors-Originally by ABBA
All The Girls (Alla Flickor)-Originally by Linda Bengzting
Moving Up-Originally by Miio
Play It For the Girls-Originally by Danny
Fading Like A Flower-Originally by Roxette
On A Night Like This-Originally by Pandora
Buffalo Stance-Originally by Neneh Cherry
Also, Video Killed the Radio Star was something I could have gone for, but lets face it, that would have been far too predictable, Take On Me was another obvious choice I avoided.
It would seem Jens Lehmann, son of Herbert T. Butterfingers and a blancmange, has yet to make a cock-up, but I'm sure Micheal Ballack's talent for booting it over the bar and into a supporter's face will provide the hilarity until he's back on form. Its strange that no-one has made mention of the fact that although the Krauts beat Poland 2-0, they had to rely on a Pole to get the goals.. just saying.
The Swedes just needed Ibrahimovic, that sex offender in midfielder [Petter Hansson], a bunch of lazy Greeks and an opposition goalie who is actually older than the Pope's gran.
Sure, Henrik Larsson "bungled" that free kick, but he was actually saving a boy in the crowd from a large and angry mosquito. Henrik is a keen supporter in the fight against Malaria.
Harry Redknapp was heard to remark after the game that he wouldn't be signing any swedes, but what does he know? He has spent most of his managerial career angry, confused and writing sick notes for his son. He knowingly accepted a job managing Portsmouth for Christ's sake, he's hardly The Football God's representative on Earth, that is Swedish Coach Lars Lagerback.
He played great defensive football, its so simple: don't concede, nick a cheeky goal, everyone's happy and he can go back to taste testing Lager.
Ravi's apparant disdain for my planned creation of an ABBA tribute band has left me with little choice but to up my game and make a Sweden tribute band instead. It's a very mainstream track list, I'm sure you'll agree however I wasn't all that limited in my choices really.
Sweden has a finger in every pie musically, most albums seem to have a Swedish connection, well most good albums, the less said about David Hasselhoff the happier Ravi will be no doubt.
Tracks:
Temptation-Originally by Arash
Life Is A Flower-Originally by Ace Of Base
Erase/Rewind-Originally by The Cardigans
Show Me Love-Originally by Robyn
Crucified-Originally by The Army Of Lovers
The Visitors-Originally by ABBA
All The Girls (Alla Flickor)-Originally by Linda Bengzting
Moving Up-Originally by Miio
Play It For the Girls-Originally by Danny
Fading Like A Flower-Originally by Roxette
On A Night Like This-Originally by Pandora
Buffalo Stance-Originally by Neneh Cherry
Also, Video Killed the Radio Star was something I could have gone for, but lets face it, that would have been far too predictable, Take On Me was another obvious choice I avoided.
It would seem Jens Lehmann, son of Herbert T. Butterfingers and a blancmange, has yet to make a cock-up, but I'm sure Micheal Ballack's talent for booting it over the bar and into a supporter's face will provide the hilarity until he's back on form. Its strange that no-one has made mention of the fact that although the Krauts beat Poland 2-0, they had to rely on a Pole to get the goals.. just saying.
The Swedes just needed Ibrahimovic, that sex offender in midfielder [Petter Hansson], a bunch of lazy Greeks and an opposition goalie who is actually older than the Pope's gran.
Sure, Henrik Larsson "bungled" that free kick, but he was actually saving a boy in the crowd from a large and angry mosquito. Henrik is a keen supporter in the fight against Malaria.
Harry Redknapp was heard to remark after the game that he wouldn't be signing any swedes, but what does he know? He has spent most of his managerial career angry, confused and writing sick notes for his son. He knowingly accepted a job managing Portsmouth for Christ's sake, he's hardly The Football God's representative on Earth, that is Swedish Coach Lars Lagerback.
He played great defensive football, its so simple: don't concede, nick a cheeky goal, everyone's happy and he can go back to taste testing Lager.
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