Another Perspective

Well, Sweden are out. Gutted doesn't even begin to describe my feelings as I lay there, in the foetal position, crying like a Welsh sheperd who is allergic to wool.

I have however, started to see a silver lining, as have the team.

Kim Kallstrom is very pleased, not only has he now earned his International football badge for scouts, but his visit to Austria has allowed him to complete his collection of contemporary European postage stamps.

Freddie Ljungberg now has more time to shop for tight pants without all that bloody football getting in the way.

Lars Lagerback can go back to brewing a new kind of lager that whitens teeth. Petter Hansson can get back to work in that home for vulnerable children. Olof Mellberg has taken up cage fighting and has developed a love of new hobby, In a recent interview with us he said; "I fucking love Kangaroo fighting, girls love it, nothing sexier than kicking the shit out of a Kangaroo. People say they can box, but they aren't shit."

On a negative note, easily influenced goalkeeper Andreas Isaksson has taken to copying Mellberg believing the animal fighting to be something to do with sexual dominance and mating rights, he was arrested last night after posting a video on Youtube of himself kicking a marmot until it agreed to have sex with him.

As for my silver lining, sure it was hard seeing Sweden lose, even harder than seeing England lose, but it wasn't as hard as finding out Dr. Oetker isn't Swedish and at least i got to drink my own body weight in Kopparberg.

As for now, I throw my support behind the Dutch. All those drugs they take, at least one of them must be performance enhancing.

--Match Predictions--
While Ravi, or should I say Jurgen, polishes his crystal balls and fucks around with tarot cards, which by the way are fucking shit for playing snap. I've taken my usual approach and shall predict the game using logic, psychology and body language analysis.

so, lets begin.

Slaven Bilic, all I sense from him is repressed homosexuality. Stock footage shows him fellating a badger filled sausage in the team hotel over dinner, and he has an earring which is a dead giveaway. His eye certainly roves in the direction of Luka Modric and his tight, tight shorts.

Luka is quite open to the idea but isn't really gay, he just flirts with the fashion.

The sexual tension will be cause for concern as Luka's team-mates clearly sense something is up.

The Turks will pounce on this, and I dont mean in the way Slaven would enjoy, and will beat Croatia 2-1. Afterwards, to celebrate the team will return to serving drinks in their own hotel and seducing any 14 year old girls that are holidaying there.

Victory is Yellow!

Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Hero.

That was a fantastic strike. On the whole though it was a bittersweet day for me, Ok we won, but Christian Wilhelmsson may be out of the competition. Zlatan scored that stormer, but I found out Dr. Oetker isn't Swedish and had to tip my delicious pizza into the bin for tramps to fight over.

Onto the lego unicycle, I believe Ravi is reffering to the much famed bloccycle. It came equipped with dual firing missile launchers and a man with plastic hair. I'm sure an optic of Absolut could have been fitted to it also. He's just trying to rain on the yellow parade because he had to endure a night of efficent German fun to celebrate his game, where as I got nicely drunk and ate my Kottbullar, Smorgasbord and Lingonsylt. Awesome.

This victory has inspired me to show a bit more of my hand to my honourable opponent.

We've both talked pretty big so far, making wild claims. Well, for those of you that are hard of sight the image below is of me calling Ravi's Bluff. Touche.

The Germans will win Swede F.A.

There I was, minding my own business listening to Abba's Greatest Hits when Ravi shows up and posts something so ludicrous I choked on my Kopparberg and Absolut chaser.

Mate, the last time someone was as wrong as you've just been, they were arguing the benefits of messing with bees and using them as weapons.

Sweden is responsible for everything good... ever. A lot like me.

Abba are the finest band to have ever walked the earth, which explains why my greatest hits CD is 3 years long. There are just so many poptastic tunes to fit in.
My house is furnished entirely from Ikea, this makes me the most stylish man to have ever lived and provides a great opportunity to display my man skills and knock up a shelving unit or two and still have enough time to sit down for some lingonberry sauce and an ice cold Absolut on the rocks.

Ugly girls don't exist in Sweden, everyone is beautiful and pleasant, which can hardly be said for a nation famed for hairy women and a serious demeanour. In Japan they call the "Jap's eye" the "German's Mouth".. because it never smiles.

For a country awash with gorgeous blonde young ladies, they actually get a lot of work done, Swedish design and architecture are pretty world leading. They are a multi-skilled and inventive race, Take for example Swedish team coach, Lars Lagerbäck.

First off, thats a cool name if ever there was one. The man has also become a tactical genius, this is probably due to his being constantly pissed from tasting and quality testing lager, which he invented. All lager has to be personally approved by Mr. Lagerbäck before being exported and having "brewed in Germany" plastered on it, this is because he's a modest man and doesn't want his brewing genius overshadowing his football campaign.

His team are a top bunch too.

Freddie Ljungberg - A man so hot he makes men wet. I'd say he is probably the most flamboyant and interesting midfielder in the world, he's recently shaved his head becuase he believes the lowered wind resistance will allow him to make fast runs down the wing, and his hair, which is naturally bright red, distracts teammates during set-pieces. He enjoys modelling tight underwear in his spare time, this he wears to prevent bruising to the lovespuds.. a crippling injury which can take months of physio to recover from.

Henrik Larsson - As a Ranger's fan, I can appreciate just how talented this bloke is. Following Freddie's advice has ditched the dreadlocks and given up the rasta lifestyle to increase his on pitch efficency. He's played his way around the world, which means he's picked up lots of valuble skills. He can make fantastic piella, his time in Scotland taught him that when the chips are down and you are a goal behind the best way out of it is to break your bottle of Newcastle Brown in your marker's face and shout "Stitch that, Jimmy!", and lets face it Scotch eggs are a great source of sustainable energy.

Olof Mellberg - Olof is the angriest man in the world, styled to look like a football hooligan rather than a player. His "aggressive negotation skills" recently won him a transfer from Birmingham giants, Aston Villa to Juventus. Known to challenge referees to "A fight to the death", Olof has revealed his favourite weapon for such occasions is the spade.

Petter Hansson - Petter looks like a sex offender. Living in France has given him girly, greasy hippy locks. This shows he has not been attending Mr. Ljungberg's Pre-match aerodynamics lectures. He has now established himself as one of the first choice centre backs for Sweden.

Kim Källström - Kim plays for Lyon, which is quite an acheivement, because he is 8 years old and has a girl's name.

Taking that aside for a moment, he has staggering power in his left foot and has netted 8 times in 55 appearances, more goals than any other primary school aged International footballer. Plays at his best after a glass of milk and a story from Lars on the quiet carpet.