Last Night..

Apparantly, I missed an awesome night last night, due in no small part to my only having £20 til Friday like a true bum.

I am of course in mourning over this, and in my emotionally fragile state, with the wrath of the rock Gods over me, my blogging for today may be somewhat erratic.

So, lets set to it...

Filling the gap..

Apologies for my obvious lateness on the sexism post, but I like to make sure my sources are 100% accurate before I go getting all angry and such.

So instead today's post is about combatting the imminent recession here in the UK.
Some people think that voting the Conservatives in will help, but lets not forget they fucking love unemployment, it means they can pay those who do work far less and it keeps them and their rich buddies in champagne and Audis, so that ones out.

First off, the best thing to do is to stop printing stories saying there is definatly going to be a bad time for money on the horizon, because that stops people spending which makes it all worse, the best thing we can all do to avert this disaster is blow all our spare cash at evry opportunity, sounds daft but it works like this.

If everyone just saved all the money from their wages they could, no-one would be buying enough stuff, so production slows, then stops and we all become either poor or unemployed.

Inversely, spend all your cash, and your wages go up, and the country prospers, weird eh?

So, why aren't we spending? well Joe and I analysed this in true Hardcore Effect style, and we've discovered everyday markets have gaps in them so large it makes them into a money sive.

So we suggest plugging the gaps and selling unique items no-one else makes for example;

-A burglar alarm only dogs can here

-A "Sorry, you're engaged" greeting card, or maybe even "The bastard's dead" or "Congratulations on your divorce, now you get half his stuff, gritting your teeth through all that terrible sex is paying off"

- A toaster/kettle hybrid

- A mobile phone/taser hybrid

- "Gangsta" jewellery.. for dogs

the options are limitless, another idea is to get us all drinking more again, being pissed and violent is in the national character and we should all continue our proud tradidtions, to acheive this we need to release more stupid named beers in the style of "Bishop's Finger" and "Merlin", so we came up with a few;

Illegal Immigrant
Shoddy Builder
Negligent Mother
Sex Pest
Brewer's Droop
Penis Enlargement Beer
Bottled Sex
Thai Prostitute
Ladyboy
Gimp's Choice
Angry driver
Benefit Cheat
and
Teenage Mum

So, as we know, you must practice what you preach, so i've decided, for the good of the country and the economy, to get pissed tomorrow.

I'll drink to that.

Mid-life crisis at 22

Well, I was going to write a big piece on our grand theme for the month of sex and sexuality, I intend fully to tackle the sexism issue, but I'm pushing it back until tomorrow because I have to press on with a Uni assignment.

First out of the blocks for today is some good news, despite my somewhat poorly timed use of the word "Jap-o-phile", Google don't seem to be that bothered. Common sense finally claims a victory eh?

On another note, in less than one months time I'll be taking The Hardcore Tour to France, where I'll be getting up to no good and generally misbehaving no doubt. In spite of the crap exchange rate I'll also be making an extra special effort to get drunk and party because its dawned on me recently, that I'm almost 22 and since turning 21 I've had very few memorable nights on the town, in fact, none at all in 2008 I think.


mainly due to my bad management of my finances,Im not out much these days, but I do resolve to make the most of the remainder of my 20's and improve my mate credentials by being around for some memorable moments in the remaining months of this year.

I apologise to myself for shaming my good name, and to everyone else for being a bit of a pussy.

Beers up.

The Whit Monday "Brap" Story

To make up for the general lethargy I've exhibited this past few days, I'm back on the case and gunning to make it up.

By the way, I will be interspersing this piece with photos of people I will have shot when I come to power. As it is these people that not only represent everything thats gone wrong in this country, but also one of their kind was the aggressor in this story. They are also the people I mentioned in my early drugs issue post, ala this dickhead >

Firstly, As we all know, my Whit Monday was eventful to say the least, I had a slow start but certainly made up for it thanks to D.O. , Mike v2.0, Sarah and Adam.

Adam, especially had a great story to tell me when I arrived on the battlefield mid-afternoon. Given that this day in particular, is the only day in the year where drinking is allowed on the streets of the town, and one of the few where the pubs never close, you can certainly imagine the sordid display that occurs as everybody for ten miles shows up in a town roughly the size of a '98 Renault Clio.

The pubs open their doors around 11am, and being in Britain, they are almost instantaneously full. By 11.30, everyone is plastered. I'm not sure why this occurs. We've always been a warlike race of people so I imagine that on a day of all day drinking, it only truly makes sense to get battered in the first half hour if you are looking for a particuarly large fight. This is generally what happens.

And so it was, that at 1.00 pm, a mere two hours after the pubs opened, Adam witnessed a fight at a cash machine across the street. As you may imagine it starts with one very drunk man standing behind another, before deciding the guy in front is a prick. He just is.

Cue the pointless swearing and stupid non-sensical insults that have become a staple of British culture; "You fucking prick", "I'll fuck your Mum", "Look at you, with your gay hair" and "I'll slap you with a razor" are just a few choice examples Adam and I have heard on our travels.

You see if you're not British you may not know this, but we're all hard, even if we're not. It's a state of mind I've witnessed nowhere else in the world. Too much ego-fuelled black rap music has encouraged two whole generations to believe that they are an amalgamation of every tough film character ever they've ever seen and as a result, they can do whatever the fuck they like because no-one is tough enough to stop them. The chap to the right, clearly has this delusion.

Anyway, I digress, the name calling didn't last long, because a full scale brawl broke out before the aggressor, who was a total dickhead, got dragged off his victim, who I imagine was a bit of a dickhead also. As the angry man's friends dragged him off down the street before the riot van arrived and a large man with a single rubber glove turned up, he decided his caveman style chest beating display wasn't over yet.

Let's stop here for a moment, to reflect, if the following image is not the most ridculous thing you've ever seen in your life, I would be very, very surprised.

Back to the story;

He turns round, and across the length of the street, decides that the best way to mend his broken pride and display his power and dominance to his victim, was to shout at the top of his lungs [with a perfectly straight face]; "BRAP!" and pull two gun signs with his hands, which is the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard.

Brap is one of a few words I know that should come with a colour chart; "You must be THIS black to say this word". It is a word from a world and culture that a 30-something, middle-class, drunk, white man could never begin to comprehend.

When I'm Prime Minister of the World & The Moon, this whole thing is an issue I'll deal with very strongly. Tasers and guns for the police?.. sounds good to me.

Whit Monday - Update

I thought you may enjoy these pictures, captured by Sarah, of me and Adam on Whit monday, explains alot really.

We're not gay.. honest.

and Finally..

Well, nearly the end of week one now, I'd like to thank any and all readers we've had.
I'd also like to encourage you all to participate a bit fucking more!

We hope you like the new look and our new death prediction game, which of us will come out on top [of a celebrity's grave]? That's correct people, each blogger will produce a list of 5 people they reckon will snuff it before the years out, for each one who kicks the bucket earns that blogger.. well.. beer or something. With the series winner taking a special prize to be announced soon. ooohhhh.

Just for future reference this is how we roll at The Hardcore Effect

General updates and blogging ; daily
Thought for the day ; Mon-Fri
Moral issue debate of the week ; Saturday
Bizarre adult video of the week ; Saturday
Round-up of libellous news we just make up ; Sunday

Then, you have these fantastic topics coming your way;
Limewire is for perverts
Why you should always threaten a police officer
some football based chatter
and a Special editon, Bank Holiday Monday Special.. where I'll be drunk!
You Lucky Bastards.

And a final message; despite what "scientists" say, Team Well-safe invented Beer O'clock some four years ago. It is not at 6.15 pm, it is infact 8.30pm and 9.30pm GMT/BST regardless of daylight saving changes. With Jaeger-time following the same principal at 9 and 10pm. Thats just the way it is. Bye for now!