What a load of old tosh

I'm going to fuel the fire of Benji's national pride debate by arguing that his post below is a load o' bollocks...Here's why.

The days of the British empire might have looked impressive in history books but all was not hunky dorey in blighty. Our men were so short the army had to lower its height limits, little kiddies toiled in dusty mills and people were so repressed they even made chair legs wear trousers. But we had spices, slaves and steam engines so everything was fine right? No diggity- if you want an era of tramps, vomit, stabbings and shit toothpaste: those were the days.

Nowadays it's the opposite. The Britain of today will look shite in history books in 50 years. Flooding, house prices, Jim Davidson, credit crunch. But actually we have plenty of stuff to be proud about. Sure we have our fair share of problems, but they're matters of politics, not of national pride. Put that flag away and just sort stuff out!

Britain's main asset is it's ability to "not make a big deal about things". So we have immigration from other countries and a couple of signs in Polish. That's nothing new and hardly a dagger pointed at Britain's manhood -no matter how much the Daily Mail makes us think so. Even if Britain becomes this "perfect nation" full of pride and power, the Mail will still argue we're all fucking doomed. Print as many "bus timetables in Swahili" as you want. As long as there's an English one, no one with common sense should complain. Bloody hell- there's enough English signs around the world to make us feel like complete idiots...

So we're not a superpower any more. Would we want to be? Even they have to make sacrifices. We had shit public healthcare and smog, the USSR was shunned like the class fat kid and the Americans have the burden of everyone hating them, even people who have never even heard of America. Do we really want to go through that all again? Chilled out countries like New Zealand, Canada and Sweden are hardly big cheeses in global politics but people respect them because they follow their own path and don't go out of their way to impress people. Hell-when nuclear war comes they could well be the last ones left on the map.

We can keep the fine ale, scotch eggs and eccentricities but weeping over our lost empire only makes us more weak. Get over it, eat a Polish pasty and move on.

Time to regain our pride..

Whether its Labour and Tory, or Metro and Retro we have become a very much Dis-United Kingdom.

For years it was simple, we effectivly ruled the world and no-one fucked with us, simple as that. This instilled a great sense of national pride in our people.

We invented Gravity, democracy and TV, we ruled the waves and gave Johnny Foreigner a bloody good hiding if he even thought about oppressing his own people. The empire gave us an influx of Olympic quality atheltes and spicy food, and it was truly a great time to be British.

Somehow though, we've lost our way. This country used to be about doing things, acheivement and generally showing off and suddenly its about being middle-of-the-road, inoffensive and balancing alot of questionable finance books. NASA scientists privately admit that the Brits getting Concorde to work was a hell of a lot tougher than the Yanks putting a man on the moon, and it shows because it cost £1.5 billion to make it happen, every single plane was sold at a loss and Hank the Yank was so jelous, he attempted to ban it in American airspace with the somewhat flimsy excuse that it was so noisy it would make cows fall over.

The World didn't need a supersonic airliner, democracy or James Blunt, but we went ahead and gave it them anyway, because we could. Today, any public spending on anything remotely interesting is marred by newspapers and TV shows bringing on a tearful mother who claims the money would be better spent on preventing her son from being stabbed/a dialysis machine/Speed Cameras on her road.

I mean, what country views its own flag as a symbol of right-wing oppression? A stupid one.

I therefore propose we levy a tax of £1 a week for every man, woman and child in the country. The we spend this money on Aircraft carriers, Nuclear missiles, An elevator into space, a journey to the centre of the earth, a mars lander, Zeppelins, Tasers, David Gray CD's, replacing the London Underground with a jet powered maglev monorail system, public transport that doesn't contain tramps and a smell of urine and vomit, whitening toothpaste that actually works, monuments, a new road network complete with 7 lanes each way and an autobahn style unlimited speed system and other such follies. Being a bit eccentric and crazy is what being British is all about. We need a real James Bond and we need to be the first to circumnavigate the sun, its what we're about.

Hang on, what happens if I don't pay tax you say? Simple, Doley? Chav? you gotta work for those benefits matey, on the sick with a bad back? Disabled? office work squire, Retarded? Great we could always use more "road safety operatives" and "outreach officers" welcome aboard.

Frankly, I think the last thing we should be doing with all our public money is funding bus timetables in swahili and road signs in Polish, come one and come all I say, just learn the bloody language and try to fit in, thats all we ask.