The think its all over..

Final day looms on the horizon like smog over Beijing as we all wait to see whether the bragging rights go to Ravi or Adam.

The competition is now irrelevant, The Hardcore Effect is where its at, as always we have been at the cutting edge of football journalism to get the very latest just for you.

The Germans, as always are relaxed and collected ahead of this closely matched crunch tie, even taking timeout to invent an entirely new kind of sausage. Jonny Lovespuds has ordered his squad to use the night before the match constructively saying, "Arbeit macht frei" or words to that effect. Lovespuds himself has been pouring over all his tactical notes and Jens Lehmann waits to see if he has been replaced in the starting line-up by his close rival, a pot of Muller-rice. That spot is just within his buttery fingers if he can hold the keen upstart at bay.

Over in the Spanish camp, everyone has been asleep in deckchairs with donkeys tied to them with their sombreros over their eyes showing their rivals they are unfazed by the reputation that preceeds an impressive German side.

Fernando Torres rose momentarily, possibly because in a momentary lapse of concentration he forgot he was Spanish and therefore lazy, to cook the team a healthy balanced meal, the national dish known as piella. Piella consists of rice and whatever you find in the trash, you mix these together and leave on a medium heat while you go back to sleep and by the time you can be arsed to move again, you'll have a tasty, energy packed meal ready to go.

Both sides got up to a bit of homo-erotic ass slapping in the pool in the early afternoon, and as the Spaniards once again headed back to get pissed and sit in a chair, the German camp bounced to the sound of a whole squad in lederhosen dancing to the contemporary sound of the disc that has become synonymous with German Success in this tournament - "Bavarian Lederhosen Party-time Dance-off 12", with celebrations led by a drunk and naked David Hasselhoff.

Hasselhoff believes that victory is pretty much certain after becoming personally involved in the teams training, players have a running start while David drunkenly stumbles behind them attempting to grope their pert backsides, any goosed player must then allow Hasselhoff to eat his post match treats and take his wife. Joachim Lovespuds claims this method is most effective, and has even improved Ballack's accuracy in front of goal, bookmakers raised the odds of him "just bunging it over the bar" accordingly to 3/1.

Latest bets from PaddyPower.co.uk

Spaniards to sleep in - 2/1
Lehmann attacked by albatross - 4/1
Pot of Muller Rice clean sheet - 5/1
Lehmann clean sheet - 12/1
Podolski to remember he is Polish and declare himself ineligible - 15/1
David Hasselhoff to streak - Evens

The Hardcore Effect meets... Olof Mellberg

Olof Mellberg, when he isn't being violent, plays football for Juventus and Sweden.

We met him for a brief chat after Swedens 2-0 loss to Russia to see what was up and whether he'd ever partaken in a danger wank.

Hey Olof, how are you feeling?
To be honest, pretty shit. I don't feel too bad about losing to the Russians, anyone who wrestles bears on a daily basis has my total respect, but when I have to resort to punching my own countrymen in the street because they can't resist giving me a bit of post match analysis, its a sad day for me.

How are the rest of the team taking your premature exit?
I don't really know, Freddie (Ljungberg) has spent a lot of time buying tight pants to cheer himself up, he gets Petter Hansson to photograph him, I guess its an ego thing and everyone deals in their own way. Its good for Petter too, he can send the photos to the children he's been grooming.

How has little Kim Kallstrom taken it?
I don't really know, after the match it was straight in his pyjamas and Lars sent him to bed. Like I say, I'm not really up to speed because I haven't been around much, I've been relaxing with a new hobby.

Oh Really? Is it danger wanking?
[Laughs] No, no. I've always enjoyed fighting, but I find fighting animals is a new and interesting challenge. I started off small with like rats and ferrets, and I've now worked my way up to larger animals. I fucking love fighting kangaroos, Girls love it too. Theres nothing sexier than seeing a guy kick the living shit out of a marsupial. everyone thinks Kangaroos can box but they aren't shit. No reach.

That sounds lovely, but we must insist, have you ever had a dangerwank?
Of course! I only masturbate in dangerous circumstances or else nothing happens. I like to wear a 19th century diving suit and breathe nitrogen, the orgasms are intense. Away with the lads though, I keep it quiet and just put a bag on my head and suck out the air with a dirt devil.

Will you be sticking around to watch the rest of the tournament now your team is out?
I thought I might, but David Hasselhoff has been hanging around. I'd gone for a kebab last night after a relaxing night sucker punching zebras at the nearby zoo, and he pulls up and asks if I want to jump in his car. I mean it was a tempting offer because it was raining and he had a pack of werther's originals in his glove box, but when he patted the passenger seat alarm bells rang and I decided it was safer to walk.

We thought you liked danger.
I like dangerous masturbating. Dangerous sex isn't for me, there something about fucking atop a flying trapeeze that really puts me off my stroke. Plus being bummed in the back of a talking black Trans Am by David Hasselhoff to the soundtrack of "Bavarian Lederhosen party-time Dance-off 12" isn't really the best situation to be in. Thats too dangerous even for me.

Thanks for your time then Olof, we're sure you have many more animals to batter.