The Hardcore Effect meets... Olof Mellberg

Olof Mellberg, when he isn't being violent, plays football for Juventus and Sweden.

We met him for a brief chat after Swedens 2-0 loss to Russia to see what was up and whether he'd ever partaken in a danger wank.

Hey Olof, how are you feeling?
To be honest, pretty shit. I don't feel too bad about losing to the Russians, anyone who wrestles bears on a daily basis has my total respect, but when I have to resort to punching my own countrymen in the street because they can't resist giving me a bit of post match analysis, its a sad day for me.

How are the rest of the team taking your premature exit?
I don't really know, Freddie (Ljungberg) has spent a lot of time buying tight pants to cheer himself up, he gets Petter Hansson to photograph him, I guess its an ego thing and everyone deals in their own way. Its good for Petter too, he can send the photos to the children he's been grooming.

How has little Kim Kallstrom taken it?
I don't really know, after the match it was straight in his pyjamas and Lars sent him to bed. Like I say, I'm not really up to speed because I haven't been around much, I've been relaxing with a new hobby.

Oh Really? Is it danger wanking?
[Laughs] No, no. I've always enjoyed fighting, but I find fighting animals is a new and interesting challenge. I started off small with like rats and ferrets, and I've now worked my way up to larger animals. I fucking love fighting kangaroos, Girls love it too. Theres nothing sexier than seeing a guy kick the living shit out of a marsupial. everyone thinks Kangaroos can box but they aren't shit. No reach.

That sounds lovely, but we must insist, have you ever had a dangerwank?
Of course! I only masturbate in dangerous circumstances or else nothing happens. I like to wear a 19th century diving suit and breathe nitrogen, the orgasms are intense. Away with the lads though, I keep it quiet and just put a bag on my head and suck out the air with a dirt devil.

Will you be sticking around to watch the rest of the tournament now your team is out?
I thought I might, but David Hasselhoff has been hanging around. I'd gone for a kebab last night after a relaxing night sucker punching zebras at the nearby zoo, and he pulls up and asks if I want to jump in his car. I mean it was a tempting offer because it was raining and he had a pack of werther's originals in his glove box, but when he patted the passenger seat alarm bells rang and I decided it was safer to walk.

We thought you liked danger.
I like dangerous masturbating. Dangerous sex isn't for me, there something about fucking atop a flying trapeeze that really puts me off my stroke. Plus being bummed in the back of a talking black Trans Am by David Hasselhoff to the soundtrack of "Bavarian Lederhosen party-time Dance-off 12" isn't really the best situation to be in. Thats too dangerous even for me.

Thanks for your time then Olof, we're sure you have many more animals to batter.