Dig this German Shizzle

Ok ok, clearly 2 hours was not enough time to learn the intricate symbolism and spiritual complexities of the Tarot. However, I sensed cosmic forces beyond my control that I shall attempt to harness again in the near future- perhaps to predict the US election result or the xmas number one.

Meanwhile, in a log cabin in Austria somewhere, preparations continue for Wednesday's crunch match between Germany and Turkey. Has all enthusiasm for the tournament evaporated now it seems the krauts might win? Certainly not for me. It's amusing to see that every team Ben backs then goes on to lose horribly- first Sweden, then Holland. Looks like this lad's more cursed than that kid from The Exorcist. If he backs Germany I'm screwed but I sense that dogged male pride means he never will, even if Fernando Torres kills a puppy live on the Austrian version of Jim'll Fix it ( neatly titled Mikel der Allesträummachenrichtigerführer).

Just in case there are any closet Germans left out there, here are some useful German phrases given to me by Professor Lars (pictured right). A quick note to those who think I'm a treacherous, kraut-loving bastard- I'll challenge you to a Worcester sauce drinking contest- then we'll see who's "un-British".

Ich wäre so gern deutsch. Dann hätte ich endlich wieder einen Grund zum Jubeln."
"I really wish I was German- then I'd have something to cheer about"

"Dem Himmel sei Dank! Ein ganzer Sommer ohne Fat Les, Stan Boardman oder Frank Haut-Abzieher. (Frank, the guy who pulls skins off.)"

Horray- a whole summer without Fat Les, Stan Boardman or Frank Skinner

Wayne Rooney ist kein Poldi, sondern ein Chaot, und außerdem ist er eine Heulsusescouser."
Wayne Rooney lacks the finishing skills of Podolski, and is a moaning Scouser"

Die Tuss vom Lehmann ist wesentlich heißer als Posh Spice."

Lehmann's wife is much prettier than Posh Spice"

Gladbach zieht Manchester United das Fell über die Ohren, wenn's drauf ankommt. Und besseren Kuchen gibt es da auch."
Borussia Monchengladbach would beat Manchester United any day- and they have better pies"

Die Oma vom Schweini kommt aus England. Vielleicht spielt er ja mal für uns.

I heard Schweinsteiger's grandmother is English. Maybe he'll agree to play for us"

Learn these phrases by heart. They will come in very useful when you're being interviewed for your German work permit.

Tschüs!!