I'm not a Satanist! Honest!

STONE THE CROWS 3-2!! Released from his wicker cage, Schweini opened up a can of whoopass on Portugal. The Germans are back to their normal efficient selves and nervous excitement can finally give way to cold-blooded arrogance.

Anyway, for the remainder of Euro 2008, I'm going to inject a little bit of the supernatural into proceedings. Glenn Hoddle favoured faith healers and the France coach Raymond Dommenesch loves horoscopes, so inspired by these loons I plan to BECOME A TAROT READER! By harnessing the awesome power of these cards I shall attempt to predict the results of the remaining games. However, I face 4 key problems.

1. I know nothing about Tarot cards

2. I don't have any Tarot cards
3. Tarot cards aren't meant to be used to predict football scores.

4. The risk of awakening some old Pagan curse and ressurecting a 2-headed goat

But who cares? Tea leaves are boring and crystal balls are expensive. If you can be ordained as a priest online, I can learn the Tarot in a couple of hours. From the little research I have done here's a quick idiot's guide:

-78 cards (shit!) consisting of 22 trump cards (important stuff like Death and The Fool) and 56 normal cards made up of four suits- coins, cups, swords and wands

-coins symbolise money and generally being a careful fellow

-wands symbolise passion desire creativity

-swords stand for violence, trouble 'n' strife

-cups are about love, passion and all that jazz

My first ever OFFICIAL TAROT PREDICTION for Croatia v Turkey will follow later. Assuming I can get my hands on a deck...

Unlike J.K Rowling, I have the intelligence not to publish any of this blasphemy in book form so no American Bible belt chaps will be able to burn it. Makes you think though- going to the trouble of buying a Harry Potter book just to chuck it on a bonfire just seems like poor economic planning to me.