Controversial Statement #23A

Euro 2008 "fever" or lack of it is sweeping the nation. Currys complain that we're not buying enough widescreen TVs, Gazza gets himself committed in a bid for attention and Gary Lineker ponders whether rogering Alan Hansen live on air would improve ratings...People check their family trees to see if they're part Portuguese or whether Ronaldo is part English and others just try to pretend the whole sadistic spectacle isn't going on. White van men are annoyed they can't stick St George flags out of their windows and stick it to the man. Let's face it- the country is completely un-gripped by a tournament without England.

This is bound to anger people and I'm sorry- just let me explain before stabbing me in the face. Allow me to give a few reasons why I WILL BE SUPPORTING GERMANY IN EURO 2008.

Don't go off on one, I've given it a lot of thought. We share a lot of common cultural traits with the krauts: a love of good beer, food that is often regarded as crap but is actually good, a passion for holidays in the sun. The royal family is a bit German- the 2007 Queen's Speech made 19 references to sauerkraut and 32 to lederhosen. Even our languages are similar. Come on now Germany- don't pretend you have your OWN language. I remember year 9 German listening tapes where fat Helmut would say "Ich will tragen meine t-shirt und shorts für die party". Are you from Nuremberg or Northampton?!

What about those wars? I hear you say. Fair point but a lot of water has gone under the bridge since then. Yes there was this naughty Austrian called Hitler, but he got beat, they built some walls, did a bit of communism, shot each other, discovered the mullet, ate some sausages and here we are today... Then there was Aufiedersehen Pet- which proves that Geordie and Germans can live side by side in harmony. War? What war? Shut up anyway- Jimmy Nail's about to start singing...

Further similarities. Obviously as a football song Three Lions takes some beating, but check out Fritz's version- it's not as shit as you might think:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lCG7DRNM8zw

The German manager is called Joachim Loew, which roughly translated as "Jonny Lovespuds" which is pretty cool. Also if you screw up your eyes really tight, Michael Ballack starts to look like Steven Gerrard. "Germany" sounds like "England" if you say it really fast with a mouthful of kangaroo testicles ..Ok I'm clutching at straws. But surely a summer backing an England-esque team but without Rooney's gurning face, the Lightning Seeds, lairy town centres and national disgrace can only be a good thing??

Anyway it's all about South Africa 2010- this time for sure, lads on tour, 44 years of hurt, two world wars and two world cups, the Germans bombed our chippy, bulldog spirit, blah blah blah...