German Football: Better than the music, equally perverse.

Nothing about German music can possibly be described as "essential", where as "shit" on the other hand could be quite apt.


I've said it once and I'll say it again. Germans lack flair and passion. They are a cold race who break every task down into pure logic and mathematics, never smile and stand on animals in high heeled shoes and film it. Danger wanking was invented in Germany, and sexual deviancy is widespread.



Just like you have to be a paedophile to be a leader in the boy scouts, you have to be a pervert to be a true German. Bastian Schweinsteiger is into watersports, Lukas Podolski covers his wife's bare feet in marmite and licks them clean, Mrs. Ballack spends most of her time taking laxatives and dumping on her husband for thrills and the less said about Jonny Lovespuds and his gimp costume the better frankly.

Anyway, back to the lack of passion. Take a Mercedes-Benz or a BMW for example, both are machines designed for a purpose and produced in such away as to be flawless, but more often than not they are ugly and dull.

People should go on holiday to Germany, they have beer, everythings clean and efficent, the trains run on time.. but no-one does. We all go to Italy or Spain and its for this very reason.

German musicians are without exception as much use as a diving bell made entirely from emmental cheese.

This is all irrelevant though, because despite my dearest hopes it looks like you may just blitzkrieg your way to the European Trophy this time round and before you know it you'll be enjoying the post match celebratory bath with the team, in your thong, with rubber cocks sellotaped to your hands and theres certainly nothing Sweden can do to fix that any longer.