Thursday 26 June 2008

The BIG sting (oh yeah!)

In anticipation of a special Euro 2008 finale on Sunday, I'm going to change tack from being a flippant sports journalist and monkey fancier to something a lot more serious: A MAVERICK COP! Welcome to the BIG sting (oh yeah!)...

Here at the Hardcore Effect we take crime very seriously indeed, especially the really really bad crimes (we don't mind the little ones too much). With this in mind we shall use our powers of influence to blow the whistle on the scams and cons and naughtiness that plague society today. We're going to clean up these streets no matter what the pen-pushing superintendent says and no matter how many civilians get caught in the crossfire. We may be gritty in our methods but we get RESULTS god damn it....




BIG STING (oh yeah!) number 1: Internet Casino Scams: cashmaker1.com (one of many)


I needed to get results and fast. The DA was chewing my ass off, and he had city hall on his ass...Put simply, everyone's ass was severely compromised.
The premise goes like this "Hi I'm Mark and I'm stinking rich. My maths expertise has made me the scourge of internet casinos. You want to be like me don't you, you filthy, poor, unloved bastard?! Well now you can because I'm such a bloody nice bloke I'm going to show you how to win big yourself at European Roulette. But make sure you use THESE casinoes because they give you the most free credit when you first sign up...blah blah..."

There was even a quote from a satisfied customer "Thanks for my new car Cashmaker1. I love you and want your babies".

His system is simple. Bet on red- if black comes up bet on red again but higher. Keep doing this until red comes up. Then swap to black and start again. I signed in to Swiss Casino and tried on "free" mode and it actually worked. In 5 minutes I'd made 80€. Score! I upgraded my account to REAL MONEY and tried again...The homepage had a millionaire flanked by bronzed Scandinavian temptresses. Cuckoo clocks gave a more authentic Swiss feel... the excitement was building...

I set about spending my 200€ free credit on making my roulette fortune.

BUT WAIT! No dice, said the Casino. There's a wagering requirement and you can make as much dosh as you like but you can't cash it in! You're only allowed to use your free credit to make money for HIGHER RISK GAMES. Roulette is low-risk as you can bet on a win-lose outcome. I wasn't going to blow my student loan playing high-risk Tennessee Poker like an idiot! Crestfallen that I wasn't going to get a car like whatsisname I renounced my Swiss Casino membership and called for backup...

Mark you scalliwag! The idea is that you think his idea is so foolproof that you bet on the high risk games in order to reach the wagering requirement so that you can start winning big on roulette. The problem is by the time you get there, you've probably already triple-mortgaged your house and sold one your gall-bladders. Maybe Mark is a fictional entity created by an online casino. Or maybe he's just taking the piss...

Anyway, rich "Mark" from Cashmaker1, you're a dickhead and you're nicked sunshine...the next big sting you get will come during your first prison shower...

Mark is just one of many web bandits who want your ass. The moral of the story: never do anything on the Internet. Ever.

Want to be part of the next BIG sting (oh yeah!)? Let us know. We're kind of like Short Change but with balls.

No comments: