The "Wingman" theory is all well and good, but I learnt a very different theory for love, dating, and all that shizzle, from one of my slightly more insane friends at uni: apparently it's all a game of cricket. You are the batsman and she is the bowler. Get your head behind this handy jargon.
Wicket: this represents the relationship's well-being (as well as your dignity/manhood/self-respect etc).
Wicket-keeper: her best friend. Often gets a bit too close and has way too much to say. Even when you need some space she'll probably be there chirping in the background. She'll be the one doing most of the sledging, but you've just got to put on a brave face and absorb the abuse.
Batting partner: your best mate. When it really comes down it, he can't really help you that much. Once the ball's bowled you're on your own.
Golden duck: trying to pull a girl and getting knocked back on first attempt.
Pavillion: the pub. The one place you're safe from the bowler's wrath (I should point out at this point that my uni friend is not actually Andy Capp, although he is a little old fashioned in his views)
Bowling styles: the varying personalities of the bowler. You might encounter fast bowling (violent, angry, short tempered), swing bowling (mood swings) or spin (tricky, conniving, impossible to work out).
Bodyline: getting stuff thrown at you
Forward defensive: deliberately agreeing with something in order to prevent an argument.
Googly: any comment deliberately designed to encourage an argument e.g. do you think I'm fat?
Declaring: renouncing the game of love and running away to join a monastery.
Umpire: her mother-your nemesis. No matter how well you think you're batting, if you put a foot wrong the umpire will notice. There'll be no ball tampering while she's around...
Got any extra analogies to add to this madcap theory? Is my friend an idiot? TELL US.
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