Underhand Tactics

It would seem, as I write, Ravi's German army are showing themselves to be quite poor losers.

Police reports are flooding in of several pipe shaped explosive devices full of Currywurst being detonated in and around the tournament's stadiums. A Swede described one such explosion as "Loud, Hot, but delicious". Another of my Scandinavian brethren was seen having to hack off her beautiful Nordic blonde locks until she adopted what could only be described as an "accidental mullet". Many such accidental mulletings have occurred in recent moments due to large amounts of curry sauce penetrating the lovely blues eyes of the Sweden fans, resulting in catastrophic scissor mishandling while attempting to cut pieces of congealed sausage meat from their manes. The German government has denied supporting these attacks and has stepped forward with relief aid of 12,000 Red, Yellow and Black shellsuits [circa 1990] to replace the stylish but curry damaged garments of the Scandinavians.

In response, during a pre match press conference, Sweden Coach Lars Lagerback leapt from his chair to attack German Manager, Jonny Lovespuds. Lovespuds reacted by breaking no less than 14 bottles of Erdinger, spiked with sulphuric acid, over the Swede's bonce while screaming that Sweden played "Inefficent Football, with inefficent haircuts" and incinuated that Mr. Lagerback's mother was of "Questionable moral standing in her community". Lagerback responded almost immeadiatly by smashing Lovespuds in the face with a hastily constructed, but beautifully made flat-pack bar stool, before shrieking loudly and tearing off his victim's testicles. He then proceeded to perform an as yet undisclosed sex act on Mr.Lovespud's limp corpse.

The two were later seen outside the conference shaking hands, and laughing about the incident, which FIFA described as "The usually japery and tom-foolery we see between respected coaches".

Elsewhere, David Hasselhoff has goosed no less than 45,000 visiting Swedes, with similar numbers being invited, unsolicited, to jump in his car.

Small groups of Bavarians have also infiltrated some of the trendiest night-spots in Stockholm, replacing Kopparberg with draught brewed Lowenbrau. Many nightclubs had to close early after finding their CD collections stolen and replaced with "oom-pah" music and a CD entitled "Bavarian Lederhosen dance-off, party-time mania 12" which is well known to be a popular disc among bierebike.de enthusiasts.

All these events have proved to much for underfire Kraut goalkeeper Jens Lehmann, who became suicidal earlier today, he made a frantic phone call to me from his hotel this morning, first asking if Jim could fix it for him to have some hand-eye co-ordination, then to announce his intention to commit suicide by hanging. Despite my kind offer to allow him to "Bring me the rope, and I'll do it because you'll only fuck it up", he attempted it alone without aid, and due to a complete lack of scouting experience tied what detectives could only describe as a "fucking stupid knot" which he had attempted to strengthen with a chewed stick of wrigley's doublemint and some pritt-stick. Upon jumping from his chair, the knot gave way and hapless Jens fell to the floor, which due to some dodgy building works, caused a collapse which saw Jens fall through 4 storys of the hotel and into a Grand Piano.

Dazed and confused Jens jumped into a nearby ice cream van and drove to the country, whereupon he doused himself in Gin and attempted to set himself alight, a cruel twist of fate saw him sneeze at the cruical moment, sending out a gin spray which ignited a passing heron, which flapped into his face, screaming and ablaze, knocking Jens unconcious and burning off his "braus". In a statement, his mother said Jens would be fully recovered for his next match and his behaviour was out of character.

German Chancellor Hans-Fritz-Hans-Jurgen-Hans Von Schnurrbart, whilst denying involvment, was quoted as saying that anything that provided German fans with some "liebensraum" would be looked upon favourably, he stopped short of describing the events as funny, most likely due to his being German and inherent inability to own a sense of humour.

In retaliation, the people of Sweden have wisely elected me as their Overlord. My defence minister, Bjorn out of ABBA, has decided to use our latest flat-pack bomber to drop large clusters of multicoloured lego bricks on the German fans. The men, being German, will be compelled to spend hours arranging the crazy bricks into matching colours, indexed by size and sub-catagorised by weight and mass. While their oppressed housefraus, kept barefoot, chubby and pregnant due to the German men's love of WWII propaganda, will be left immobile by stepping on thousands of unnecessairly pointy lego bricks with their naked feet.

Please enjoy below, the new Swedish national anthem, set to a video of everything good [well almost everything good] about Sweden, that I have lovingly crafted for you.