The Football

Ever since Euro 2008 finished there's been something missing from the blog. That something, quite obviously is football. I mean, what is life without football? What would us lads do on a weekend if we didn't have a solid excuse to leave our wenches in their element in the kitchen and go get lashed down the pub? It doesn't bear thinking about.

So from now on I will bringing you a weekly update on the all the matches. Obviously I don't get to see all of the matches so I will be piecing together information from highlights and the premier league website.

This weeks games;

Villa 2 - West Brom 1

Villa have broken into the top 4 recently (deservedly) and have been playing fantastically. I have two of their players in my fantasy football team (Young and Agbonlahor). They seem to be hogging all of the English talent and using it well. On this occasion though, they needed a little help from the only goalkeeper in the Premier league stupid enough to score an own goal - our very own Scott Carson. Possibly the worst goalkeeper since Lehmann. Carson; you make Paul Robinson look good.

Aresnal 1 - Bolton 0

Bolton played their now famous 10 - 0 - 0 formation and Aresnal showed why they're losing their grip on the top four by taking 83 minutes to score against a side that only had fifteen fit players in all. That's about all their is to say. Shit game.

Everton 2 - Hull 0

Fellaini; what a hero. The first player this season to score a goal using a ridiculous haircut, his afro guiding the ball into the net for Everton's first. He then got his tenth booking of the season for having his gangly legs reach face height of the opposing player one time too many. Arteta scored the second from a free kick. It was nice.

Mibblesboro 1 - Sunderland 1

I can't really say much about this game, I was viewing it more as a battle than a game of football. Next time your kids want to watch the wrestling, take them to see these two teams play instead; it's cheaper and it's real. Three players went off injured, one with a head injury. Brilliant.

Newcastle 2 - West Ham 2

Two sides who struggled earlier in the season put in decent performances here grabbing two goals each. West Ham will do well to stick hold of Bellamy during the transfer window as he showed his quality again. Newcastle's Andy Carroll became the second player this season to score using a dodgy haircut as he headed in the equaliser sporting the 'white guy with cornrows' look.

Stoke 0 - Thieving Scouse bastards 0

Rafa Benitez made a fool of himself again this week by having a rant at Fergie for the United manager's 'Liverpool will lose their nerve' speech, just before Liverpool did indeed lose their nerve by failing to score against Stoke for the second time this season. Well done Rafa, keep it up mate.

Wigan 1 - Spurs 0

'Defoe always scores on his debut' - That comment has now been proven to be absolute bollocks. Figueroa, the Latics' left-back securing the win in injury time. Not a brilliant game, glad I dropped Defoe from my FF team.

Man U 3 - Chelsea 0

Best result of the season bar none. Chelsea are old and tired - and it shows. They got laced by the champions of the world. Vidic, Rooney and Berbatov all scoring in this comfortable win. Chelsea were shit, they didn't manage one shot on target, bet they wish Mourinhio was still the manager. The best moment of the game was definitely Drogba's imaginary shot. Threw his foot at the ball 8 yards out, achieving only the slightest of touches and a large laugh from the crowd. The one person wearing a Chelsea shirt in my local was gutted, everyone else was extremely chuffed.

Man U 1 - Wigan 0

Rooney showed he is true legend by scoring within a minute and then booking himself three weeks paid leave with a hamstring injury within six. Wigan fought back well but couldn't find a goal. Jonny Evans again showed us the future of United with another great performance. Man U sit second in the league with a game in hand; Liverpool are shitting themselves now.

Muppet of the week - Carson; all round embarrassment.

Legend of the week - Fellaini; for scoring whilst sporting an afro.

Manager of the week - Fergie; for making Benitez look like a twat, again.

My FF team for next week -

Schwarzer (FU)

Bosingwa (CH) Vidic(MU) Laursen (AV)

Valencia (WA) Young (AV) Kuyt (LI) Geovanni (HU)

Zaki (WA) Van Persie (AR) Agbonlahor (AV)

Subs - Gordon (SU - Injured) Ireland (MC Suspended) Turner (HU) Paintsil (FU)

*Please note that this is my actual FF team and not my 'Dream team' - No Liverpool player would come anywhere near that, but hey, I'm working on a budget.

I enjoyed Euro 2008 so much...

That I've decided to give up on English football altogether.

So, I'll be following a team from a nation with one of the lowest instances of football violence in Europe, the permanently stoned/drunk, ever fun, Dutch.

I'll be adopting PSV Eindhoven, who I've always like so it won't be so bad.

A bonus here is, I have an Aunt who lives in Amsterdam, so I may even get to see a game or two and fill you all in on the beauty of the Dutch game. It won't be like my 17th birthday where she insisted she was going to show me round the red-light district, I swear I'll do some proper writing and everything.

I wonder if Ravi will give up on his beloved but crap, Coventry City?..

The Final..

Today is final day! For many of you who have been giving me your feedback, this is great news because your sick to death of our football coverage, for others its a time of sadness, for us its a pain in the arse as we scramble around trying to find subject material to fill Euro 2008's massive void.

Aside from bothering Phil Tuffnell on 5 live as he tries to analyse a cricket game, we have a lot of work to do.

My pre-match round up yesterday received mixed reactions, "genius!" said some, on the other hand one particuarly adept, but angry Spaniard intelligently noticed my choice use cultural errors in the piece, then ruined it all by using the phrase "Ignorant Cunt", which is the wording of choice for people the world over who can't compose an equally eloquent reposte. This wouldn't be hard to do either as;
a) I'm English, and theres plenty to have a go at there.
b) We didn't qualify for the football
c) I have stupid ears, again plenty to mock

Apologies for the slap-dash approach to today's installment but you oviously understand the exceptional circumstances, normal service will resume tomorrow, enjoy the game, because if I'm not mistaken.. it's beer o'clock. cheers.

Meet Das Fokkers

As Euro 2008 gets underway, I've set myself the following goals for this week of supporting Germany.
- learn German
- find some German football fans and hang out with them
- replace my normal diet of sauerkraut, brattwurst and pumpernickel with something more German

To kick things off I'm going to give you a brief profile of a few German players to keep your eye on:
JENS LEHMANN- he's big, he's kraut and he'll knock you fookin out. A favourite with Arsenal fans, cock-up artist Jens is great fun to watch. Watch in awe as he hurls the ball into his own net with panache or gets attacked by a gang of pigeons that have set up roost in his goalmouth.

BASTIAN SCHWEINSTEIGER- he'll bamboozle defenders with his mazy runs as well as British commentators who try to pronounce his name. Germany's version of Rooney- an angry red faced little chap, but with a camper hairdo. However, he has his weaknesses- according to an eminent Sky commentator, his left foot couldn't even open a can of beans. Cheers for that pearl of wisdom Murdoch...

TORSTEN FRINGS- less of a name, more of a Danish vacuum cleaner bag manufacturer don't you think?

MICHAEL BALLACK- die fuhrer. Popular with posh cockneys. Good at penalties and getting into fights with guys smaller than him. The official face of the German railway network and if need cheap Adidas trackies or a knock-off Samsung mobile, let him know.

MARIO GOMEZ- as German as beef & Yorkshire pud. Watch his Latin spirit inject some viagra into the flaccid cock that is "German footballing flair".

And to provoke a bit of healthy debate, here's why Sweden are shit;
- They never invade anyone
- Henrik Larsson cut off his dreadlocks
- Their sandwiches only use one slice of bread
- They take Eurovision too seriously
- Pickled herring were invented in Coventry by Steve P. Herring in 1964, but then the Vikings nicked it.