Another way.. [The Hardcore Party?]

While Ravi's post may be all eloquent and humourous, its also the collected musings of the Eastbourne W.I., the Stafford Ladies' whist drive team and his own wishy-washy, pansy, nancy boy, softly-softly views.

Yes, Im a big fan of Sweden, but lest we forget sir, that I fucking hate the Daily Mail and am a great big lefty at heart. However, we have clearly gone too far the other way at this stage. Its a difficult balancing act between social responsibility, and freedoms and liberties. Sure its ok to write an anti-war poem and start a drum circle Mr. Spider, but its is not fucking ok to invite people to behead soldiers.

Yes, its daft giving a knife mugger one million years in jail, but its also daft to blame it on his father and send him to Alton Towers. Both sides of the coin are wrong in their own special ways. When people speak of Labour they throw around horrible and dated terms that conjure up negative images of the party, words like Communism, Socialist and cockbadger.

Communism, as long as you don't confuse it with Stalinism, works.. simple as that. There has only ever been one truly communist state, Chile. It worked so fucking well that all the greedy fatcats from here and the US arranged for the CIA to clear it all up behind closed doors. Fact is that a person only needs so much, Why does a footballer get to earn upwards of £50,000 a week, while I have to manage on £12,000 a year? Why do nurses get a pittance and "outreach advisors" get 45k a year?

Communism isn't exactly based on the principle that everyone should have the same, end of. It basically is a concept whereby people are not restricted by the circumstances into which they were born, as it stands now rich people have kids, who inherit their cash by doing precisely fuck all, people like me and you have to work ourselves into the grave for nearly nothing, because they hoard more than they can ever spend. Every communist knows that a rocket scientist or a doctor deserves more cash than a road sweeper or a tea lady, what they say however is that the tea lady should be given an equal chance from birth, to become a rocket scientist.

We could happily redistribute the wealth in this country and all live in pretty luxurious conditions, and a quality of living increase for about 80% of the country, maybe more after all there is a fucking lot of money in football.

Now the flipside, are the conservatives, or a bit further on to the right, facists. Facism (and being a conservative) works on the tenet that;
a) ALL poor people are lazy and don't want to work
b) ALL poor people are theiving criminals
c) The less of said poor people that get rich and successful, the more money we have to hoard amongst us

in contrast with the labour view;
a) ALL poor people are virtuous and oppressed by the upper classes
b) ALL criminals are fundamentally good people, born into bad circumstances
c) The more of us that get rich, the less leverage those bastards have over us

Now the reality is more like this;
a) SOME poor people are lazy and no good, the majority are hard working and honest
b) SOME criminals are unfortunate and deserve the chance to sort themselves out, but shouldnt be allowed to abuse this leniency
c) It doesn't really matter who has the most money because tax should be relative

So, why do we settle for a bunch of parties that are too blind and arrogant to see they've gone too far to one side that they have effectively merged into one party with the same goals, but violently opposing hidden agendas?

In the style of those nice banking people, we are here to show you, there IS another way.
Communism? No ta, Facism? not for us thanks.

We need to simply take the best parts from both the left and the right, judge each situation on individual merit and just damn well get things sorted.

Lets be honest, democracy is fucking stupid, it will be on my eventual list of "Things with a stupid design flaw", average everyday people from across the country all vote one way or the other to select a winner, who basically tells them whatever they want to hear to secure their vote, then systematically sets about doing the exact opposite of what they promised purely because it was never thier intention in the first place. You'd think the majority would have figured this out and relised that if they voted for a new party, other people might just do it too. You'd think they'd be able to spot some bullshit a mile away.

The problem with allowing anyone over 18 to vote is that the vast majority of them are fucking stupid, people who believe that by emptying an entire fridge of milk in the supermarket they'll find a magic pint that lasts three months, people who believe our saviour is the son of dead carpenter, people who say "sumfink" instead of "something", people who let Jade Goody get famous and read about Kerry Katona's new loft extension and believe its perfectly acceptable to park in a disabled bay despite not being disabled.

Its madness, worse than madness. It sets the whole of humanity back because of a collected minority's old fashioned or intolerant views. It results in a whole church going against its own teachings of love and acceptance purely because one of its preachers likes touching other men's bottoms, and its just not acceptable. As for a fair alternative? I'm stumped.

Dictatorships are so 1980's.

Time to regain our pride..

Whether its Labour and Tory, or Metro and Retro we have become a very much Dis-United Kingdom.

For years it was simple, we effectivly ruled the world and no-one fucked with us, simple as that. This instilled a great sense of national pride in our people.

We invented Gravity, democracy and TV, we ruled the waves and gave Johnny Foreigner a bloody good hiding if he even thought about oppressing his own people. The empire gave us an influx of Olympic quality atheltes and spicy food, and it was truly a great time to be British.

Somehow though, we've lost our way. This country used to be about doing things, acheivement and generally showing off and suddenly its about being middle-of-the-road, inoffensive and balancing alot of questionable finance books. NASA scientists privately admit that the Brits getting Concorde to work was a hell of a lot tougher than the Yanks putting a man on the moon, and it shows because it cost £1.5 billion to make it happen, every single plane was sold at a loss and Hank the Yank was so jelous, he attempted to ban it in American airspace with the somewhat flimsy excuse that it was so noisy it would make cows fall over.

The World didn't need a supersonic airliner, democracy or James Blunt, but we went ahead and gave it them anyway, because we could. Today, any public spending on anything remotely interesting is marred by newspapers and TV shows bringing on a tearful mother who claims the money would be better spent on preventing her son from being stabbed/a dialysis machine/Speed Cameras on her road.

I mean, what country views its own flag as a symbol of right-wing oppression? A stupid one.

I therefore propose we levy a tax of £1 a week for every man, woman and child in the country. The we spend this money on Aircraft carriers, Nuclear missiles, An elevator into space, a journey to the centre of the earth, a mars lander, Zeppelins, Tasers, David Gray CD's, replacing the London Underground with a jet powered maglev monorail system, public transport that doesn't contain tramps and a smell of urine and vomit, whitening toothpaste that actually works, monuments, a new road network complete with 7 lanes each way and an autobahn style unlimited speed system and other such follies. Being a bit eccentric and crazy is what being British is all about. We need a real James Bond and we need to be the first to circumnavigate the sun, its what we're about.

Hang on, what happens if I don't pay tax you say? Simple, Doley? Chav? you gotta work for those benefits matey, on the sick with a bad back? Disabled? office work squire, Retarded? Great we could always use more "road safety operatives" and "outreach officers" welcome aboard.

Frankly, I think the last thing we should be doing with all our public money is funding bus timetables in swahili and road signs in Polish, come one and come all I say, just learn the bloody language and try to fit in, thats all we ask.

Filling the gap..

Apologies for my obvious lateness on the sexism post, but I like to make sure my sources are 100% accurate before I go getting all angry and such.

So instead today's post is about combatting the imminent recession here in the UK.
Some people think that voting the Conservatives in will help, but lets not forget they fucking love unemployment, it means they can pay those who do work far less and it keeps them and their rich buddies in champagne and Audis, so that ones out.

First off, the best thing to do is to stop printing stories saying there is definatly going to be a bad time for money on the horizon, because that stops people spending which makes it all worse, the best thing we can all do to avert this disaster is blow all our spare cash at evry opportunity, sounds daft but it works like this.

If everyone just saved all the money from their wages they could, no-one would be buying enough stuff, so production slows, then stops and we all become either poor or unemployed.

Inversely, spend all your cash, and your wages go up, and the country prospers, weird eh?

So, why aren't we spending? well Joe and I analysed this in true Hardcore Effect style, and we've discovered everyday markets have gaps in them so large it makes them into a money sive.

So we suggest plugging the gaps and selling unique items no-one else makes for example;

-A burglar alarm only dogs can here

-A "Sorry, you're engaged" greeting card, or maybe even "The bastard's dead" or "Congratulations on your divorce, now you get half his stuff, gritting your teeth through all that terrible sex is paying off"

- A toaster/kettle hybrid

- A mobile phone/taser hybrid

- "Gangsta" jewellery.. for dogs

the options are limitless, another idea is to get us all drinking more again, being pissed and violent is in the national character and we should all continue our proud tradidtions, to acheive this we need to release more stupid named beers in the style of "Bishop's Finger" and "Merlin", so we came up with a few;

Illegal Immigrant
Shoddy Builder
Negligent Mother
Sex Pest
Brewer's Droop
Penis Enlargement Beer
Bottled Sex
Thai Prostitute
Ladyboy
Gimp's Choice
Angry driver
Benefit Cheat
and
Teenage Mum

So, as we know, you must practice what you preach, so i've decided, for the good of the country and the economy, to get pissed tomorrow.

I'll drink to that.