The exclusive Professor Lars interview

While Schweinsteiger goes off the sit in the naughty corner and Jens Lehmann goes on a minor killing spree, life goes on for ordinary Germans. I met up with one of them, reformed footy hooligan turned-language scholar Professor Lars Hinricheiser. Here's what the dude had to say:

Lars- welcome to the Hardcore Effect. Where will you be watching Germany's matches this Euro 2008?

I depend on the kindness of strangers and attend match viewings in their homes. I refer you to my Facebook album called "Germans watching soccer" for details.

English fans will no doubt want to know: which German player has the fittest wife?

I would have to say Schweini [Bastian Schweinsteiger]. Sara is, after all, a model, and obviously smart as well: she likes silver hair.

On to cultural matters. Currywurst. Your thoughts please

Just when I read that, I realized I needed one, as my heart rate was getting dangerously fast from all the foreign coffee I have been intravenously injecting all morning. Excuse me for a minute!

What is the most bratwurst you've ever eaten in a single day?

Percentage of total food intake, or raw amount? The first one is easy: 100%. The amount, however, blurs in memory with all the Currywurst on adjacent days. Sorry, can't help you with that one

Who is your favourite German musician and why?

David Hasselhoff. Why do you ask why?

Of course- I didn't even need to ask really. Anyway, explain the popularity of the mullet hairstyle among your compatriots.

You guys - "Inselaffen", as we affectionately call you - tend to mostly notice those of us who are loudest. And they happen to be the ones among whom mullet incidence is highest. But really, it is exclusively an affliction of the working classes, which we hope to fix soon in consultation with your Queen.

Picture the scene: you book a holiday to Tenerife but there's a mistake and you end up in the small industrial town of Delmenhorst, famous for linoleum production. What would you do to amuse yourself?

Take up lino cutting, and carve views of the coast in Bournemouth.

Professor Lars. Danke schön for your time. And good luck for your Bavarian brass brand's upcoming US tour.

Actually we're really more of a neo-classical AustroGerman fusion ensemble incorporating heavy woodwind. Kind of in the mold of Flüghafen Krum but in many ways more post-modernist. Some have compared us with the work of Willy Schlagenhoffer but that really gets my goat. It's like people are only hearing what they want to hear you know? You've got to see the box as well as what's inside. Sometimes I write the music, and indeed sometimes the music writes me, it's like setting dreams in motion and reaching the true apogee of human creativity.

Errr...right.