I've done my best to keep up with events across the channel but I admit it's got a little skewed. Here’s a little review of the past year according to yours truly.
That Gorilla
Millions of people watch a monkey drumming to Phil Collins and suddenly want to eat loads of chocolate. Has someone been poisoning the water supply? Maybe we're all closet Phil Collins fans, or maybe the gorilla embodies our primal urges and collective frustrations with life. Or is the ape a metaphor for bird flu? Someone please help me out.
Rain
I understand you've had a lot of this stuff. As a result the Wimbledon centre court roof fell off and music festivals and Satanic picnics across the land were washouts. Floods and gales as well I understand and an earthquake in the midlands to boot. The midlands are becoming such a hotbed of earthquakes that it will eventually cause northern England to detach and drift over to Norway where it will be donated to King Harald Knut III as repayment for all those Christmas trees they plonk in Trafalgar Square every year. Northern England will be placed in the biggest square in Oslo for the amusement of passers by.
Sport
News of an infamous “Jellybean incident” prove to be a bit of an anticlimax. Cristiano Ronaldo scores 40 goals and wins the biggest trophy in club football, then realises he’d rather sit on a plastic bench in Madrid instead. A lot of people say China is a bit naughty for running about with a torch and not even Konnie Huq is safe from the backlash.
The state
I thought this was a joke at first but apparently there’s a new PM and most ministers now have different names and addresses. People are moaning about the economy too. House prices used to be doing something bad, now they’re doing the opposite of that bad thing they used to do, but that's apparently bad as well. Boris Johnson has now been given actual responsibilities. I heard he cancelled the Olympics and is instead building a massive Tory theme park in east London, with Victorian freak shows, 12-day cricket matches and a staff composed entirely of naïve choirboys.
Society
According to official statistics, “being a bastard” is now the quality that women most look for in a man. The most desired men in Britain today are Alan Sugar, Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsay and Adolf Hitler. Coleen Rooney is fast becoming a cultural icon and threatens to actually replace the Queen if her majesty makes one more scouse teenage mums. Despite this anarchy, no one says “I’m a lady” or “Am I bovvered” any more so perhaps things are moving in the right direction.
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