The Collected Works of Benji Hardcore - Genius, Renaissance Man, Quick to anger

After all these months and years of regularly reminding you that I am, infact, a genius, I thought it was about time to start massing my collective works within this site to allow quick reference for when your kids' kids have to study me and my genius in school, after I'm dead.

I've already brought you The Hardcore Theory, which proves I earned my Phd in "being wonderful" and my doctorate in "bringing sexy back", I also have 3 GCSEs in erotic Massage, but what next?

Well, today I've decided to unveil one of my boldest statements ever, and simultaneously answer some deep, profound questions that have plagued mankind since the dawn of the civilised world. As we no doubt all know, the CERN laboratory in Switzerland has built a LHC [Large Hadron Collider], which is nothing to my FLHC [F**king Large Hadron Collider], but I will not steal their thunder. They say that when they begin full particle collisions on the 21st of October, they will learn some of the deepest secrets of the universe, others say they will forma series of black holes which will slowly and painfully pull us all apart molecule by molecule in what will seem like a few thousand years thanks to the massive time dilation you'd experience on your way in.

Other "scientists" claim that the effects will not appear until December 2012, bizarrely the same date the Mayan calender ends, where upon the magnetic poles will shift and there will be cataclysmic weather patterns that shall wipe us all out for good. I'm not speculating on this in particular, I'm more concerned with the questions CERN want answered, namely;

a) What happend in the micro-seconds after the "Big Bang"
b) Is faster than light travel possible
c) Is time travel possible?
d) Can we use such knowledge to combat disease and cancers?

Now, instead of all that cash, they could have just asked me;

a) A fucking large explosion
b) No
c) No
d) Probably not

I shall now explain my reasons for my answers to b and c.

Firstly, time and light are relative, ok? This means, in basic terms, if you were to avoid the advice of your optometrist and Jon Snow, and look directly at the sun, you would see the sun as it was 8 minutes ago. Keeping up so far? good. Now, if you travel faster than that light approaching from the sun, you (and I know this sounds dumb, but its true and very complicated] would travel back through those 8 minutes and possibly more. So, yes you would travel back in time. So, how do I know its not possible to do either if I just said its theoretically possible?

Well, those beardy blokes down at the SETI program finally get an alien on the blower who invites us over for a few beers, to take a vehicle capable of light speed would mean it still took you a fair old while to reach Pluto, which means you'd be bloody late. You'd need to go faster, but, if you did, you'd arrive at pluto in 1939.. which is before you were sent, your ship was built and most importantly, before you were invited which is just plain rude. So you tootle back home, only you get back to find its now 1867 and you mistakenly marry your great-gran.

What about time travel in other ways though? Well, that isnt possible either. why? Let me enlighten you.

Firstly, lets say you build your time machine and pop back to 1939 to give the old allies a bit of help against that naughty Hitler boy with a donation of your mobile phone and such for reverse engineering purposes, firstly, whatever help you offer makes no difference because as we know, no-one did do this because history would record it, infact no-one EVER does it, because it would have already happend.

Even if you say you did, these guys would then reverse engineer your mobile phone, technology would advance, and you'd never have had such a primitve phone in the first place to go back in time with.

Time travel has other implications, say you went into the future and saw yourself as a fat, balding 50 year old, you would then know that whatever course your life took, that is for certain where you would end up, or else you wouldn't have been able to witness yourself in such a mess to then know to change your lifestyle. You would, however, also know that NOTHING you do between now and then will result in injury or death, because you look fine in the future, no matter how you triedto kill yourself, something would always avert it. You'd certainly be left with a hopeless feeling if knowing no choice you make matters, becasue you have no choice.

So, to summarise, how about we leave that collider alone boys, maybe we don't want to know these things, and close SETI.. that way we can spend its funding on Beer and chips.