I'm here, again . . .

Why hello there, lads and ladies.

Fully aware that I rarely post, and that to be honest few people give a shit either way, I'm slightly dubious about inflicting my own uneducated views of the World around us upon you. But seeing as how I have this medium to do so, (cheers for that one Ben, my old mucker), I'm going to do so regardless.

Firstly, I have become an avid X Factor pervert. I initially began watching it religiously last year, as a way to keep my Missus on her toes, as it gave me the perfect excuse to letch at the rather delectable Miss Tweedy (Cole, my arse).
That said, only this year have I started to really appreciate what some people on this programme have to offer.
As far as I am concerned, that Essex bird Stacey Solomon is the proverbial mutt's nuts. Her rendition of Coldplay's "The Scientist" is without a doubt one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard performed. It is not like to me to speak in such terms, just ask any of my entourage, but if that was released as a single it would storm the charts. Absolutely amazing.

There are certain events happening in circles closer to my own heart, or at least closer to my own profession, in the media. I refrain from commenting, partially throuigh fear of reprisals, but mostly because this is not really an appropriate forum.

Recently I have simply been getting on with life, which is hardly worth a mention here.


However, what is certainly worth a mention is the fact that it seems I attract nicknames like a tramp on the streets of Blackpool attracts the attentive conversation of Ben and myself, particularly when suited and booted, and bored whilst waiting for out turn in a cash point queue.

To date I have attracted a series of nicknames in my unit. Rather than be known by my usual tag of Sheepay, a pseudonym that my significantly embarassed better-half is still attempting to get to grips with, I seem to gain prefixes relative to whatever depraved act I have recently been documented as committing.


I arrived at my unit in the company of a good friend, also known as Dan. It was decided early on that two young men named Dan must be referred to as "The Two Dans," a collective term that still rears its ugly head from time to time.
And so, Dan 1 and Dan 2 were given due designation. I began this term as Dan 1.

A few weeks into this post I was given the task of laying a makeshift (read: highly illegal, unauthorised and cowboy effort) telephone line so my boss could take all those important calls. This involved tapping into an existing line, routing it through to his office.

To ensure everything was as tidy as possible I taped the line along walls to keep it away from prying fingers. If there is one universal truth then it is that ANYTHING can and will be destroyed by a bored squaddie, so everything and anything is kept as far from them as possible until needed. Bloody louts.

This particular taping tasking required me to be on hands and knees, a position which became the centre of firstly ridicule -

"Fnar Fnar, polish my knob while you're down there, Dan 1."

and slowly led into physical abuse, with every single comedian putting the boot in. As the new lad, and extremely junior, it was par for the course. Until, of course, it was par no more.

After being subjected to a dozen or so physical attacks I began to lose my almost infinite temper. One poor lad, Steve, was to be the recipient of a retaliatory effort not quite comparable to the storming of Normandy, but monumental nonetheless.

Having watched everyone else walk past and give me a nudge, and having watched me roll arse-over-tit in a hilarious fashion once more, Steve decided it was his turn.
My apoplectic rage manifested itself in the form of pure aggression, which was a surprise no less for me than for he.

Turning swiftly, I avoided his ill-timed kick, shot upwards, grabbed the nearest object and swung for his head.
I'd picked up the desk in-tray, and the ancient, brittle plastic shattered into a hundred pieces over his skull. The tray was not heavy and he was unhurt, but shocked beyond measure. He could not have looked more shocked had I slapped him across the face with an erection.
The surreal nature of the attack proved too much for Steve and the congregation, who to a man bent double with laughter.
From that moment I was to be known as "Evil Dan," although it was noted that anybody who wished to have a go did so whilst I was out of reach of stationary.


Next time, the origins of the nickname "Gay Dan." I may even include a poo story for you.

Youtube should stick to video hosting

I've been meaning to write this piece for years, but have never got round to it until now.

If we've learned nothing else on our voyage of discovery together, and we haven't, we've still learned that the internet is populated in the vast majority by cretinous, egotistic morons with too much time on their hands. The end result of which, is youtube.

As a resource, no-one can argue that youtube is great. We use a fair amount from the 1% of its content that can't be described as "shit" on this very site, and it hosting these clips on our behalf is most helpful.. but..

Leave aside all the shit videos.. and there are plenty.. for just a second, and let's concentrate on some real issues here.

Just like with blogging, youtube is useable by all, which menas there is absolutely zero quality control. Could you imagine if TV channels were this hit and miss..and miss.. and miss?

I can't play professional football because I'm lanky, lazy and hopeless at football, Hugh Fearnley-whittingstall can't be a model because his face is on inside-out, and no-one wants to see a video of you jumping into a river from a bridge.. because you're a twat. Life is unfair, I'm sorry. It's just you're ruining the internet and so now trying to find some useful resource is quickly becoming impossible, beneath layers and layers of pointless 5 second videos and the insane ramblings of a million people who could be medically diagnosed as idiots.

A perfect case in point is a series of videos released by a group of Republican Americans, whom we know to be misguided at best, and fanatically cretinous and vile at their worst. This short series of videos, delivered on behalf of some mad man, by a woman with unlikely hair informs us that the British Government is actually in cahoots with the Dutch in an Anglo-Dutch empire, whom control America's leaders like puppets to force through a green, liberal agenda. The goal of which she describes as "obvious". I promise you, it isn't. Turns out you see, that the goal of this coalition and its tireless work toward hydro-electric dams, solar powered badgers and cars that run on tears of joy is.. genocide.

Quite how this is all linked she doesn't say, nor does she tell us quite how all this green movement results in genocide. I learned somethig though, that my most fervent wish is that she has since been locked away and quietly murdered.

This is truly just the tip of the iceberg, US site "The Onion", really does a far better job of mocking such people than I ever could;

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conspiracy_theorist_convinces_neil

Deeper investigation of Youtube's content unveils a long list of hate filled comments to innocent users, blatant lies, idiocy of epic proportions and most alarmingly, truly amazing levels of arrogance.

Random people simply arguing the toss about concepts of which they have no real knowledge, from who would have won the cold war had it got nasty, right through to time travel and a deep space exploration.

There I was watching a European space agency video on deep space propulsion, only to be told helpfully by a user named; reachingskies , that the video was "unrealistic" and then another moron chipped in adding that he could think of two better forms of deep space propulsion. Well, thank God they were there to clear that up for me, for a second there a collection of the World's most pre-eminent rocket scientists almost had me duped. Luckily, the users of youtube were there to keep me on the straight an narrow.

So, the message of today's update is, in summary, "It's all completely hopeless".

Try and have a good day.

Hitler - Complaints

Ok, so some of you don't seem too happy with us allowing Hitler into the fold. We were going to address these concerns, but it turns out that Hitler is launching his own PR campaign...

Realisation of the obvious - #1

Ben and Jerry's Ice cream. It's pretty fucking expensive.