Guest Content Day 2

Today, we replace The Hardcore Effect, with The Allen and Craig Show.

Another contribution from across the water, they did a fantastic job right up until they lost the camera man.

Lets get this sorted.

This may make little or no sense to you if you only know of our Blogspot stuff, but bearwith me.

As you probably don't know. The Hardcore Effect goes out in many forms of media, through many outlets.... this attracts a fair bit of attention and daily our e-mail inbox expands that little bit further.

Recently, our media has become an outlet for a lot of negativity.. and we aren't too cool with that.

It started sometime ago now, when we were contacted by a moron, using the name "America Superpower".. who used a message board we frequent relentlessly to slander our country and spread misinformation - for example he claimed we pay a 40% rate of tax to the monarchy, which is so stupid its beyond measure.. we do no such thing. He also went on to claim many other things. Soon he was joined by some friends, between them they caused quite abit of upset among our mainly European audience.

We love debate, so made the decision to to allow his opinions and vice-versa.. he'd eventually wear himself out. I decided EXPLICITLY that this debate was not to creep into any of my posts anywhere, and it didn't until that decision was revoked a few days ago, partly to accomodate the showing of the award winning Top Gear Special, and to allow some other posts not currently published on our blogspot page for the time being, to bolster the defence of our home nations in the face of blatant racism.

We, of course, did what we thought best, and have now upset a portion of our American audience. This goes against the whole point of these projects. Our rule is to generally direct all controversial statements and views toward large social phenomenon and faceless institutions. We do not tolerate personal or racial attacks. So with immediate effect, our monthly topic [America] is being withdrawn, which is a first. Partly due to our British audience being unable to rise above a petty minded moron's small views without equally disgusting retaliation, and partly due to our American audience's inability to accept any criticism of their country even in the face of the large amount of positvity we discovered. There, we shared the blame equally. You are both as bad as each other now PLAY NICE!

The point of any of our topics is to be objective. It was just as important to point out the flaws as it was to point out the good things. We have no sponsorship for a reason.. so we are impartial with no vested interest. We don't care if you come here or go there on your vacation, as long as we have given a fair view.

So, lets put this unpleasantness behind us and press on. While we sift the 3,469 e-mails we have in the inbox at the moment, mainly advertising new and unique ways to increase the size of your penis. I'm under orders to point out the root of this issue. Some just might say I got the rough end of the deal.

All this trouble stems from a mutual jelousy. We envy Hollywood, you envy our music. We envy your contemporary culture, which oozes cool, you envy our rich history. We envy your cars, you envy ours.

Behind the scenes our two lands get on famously. American military technology saves British lives daily, don't get me wrong.. we're tooled up something rotten, but when it comes to getting the most bang for your buck, the US does it fantastically well. On the flipside, American Generals display a HUGE preference for working with British soldiers.

The Royal Marine Commandos and Paras are in huge demand, needing only a small army for a small island we are notoriously picky. I got kicked out despite passing all the training purely because I may or may not lose too much weight on operations, one guy got kicked out over a knee injury when he was seven. We have the longest and most intense infantry training in the world.The SAS is still rumoured to have never lost a man. So, we complement each other perfectly.

You have mad guns, we have mad skills. Its a thing of beauty.

As I was told in training.. "There's nothing like being with friends, meeting new and interesting people from a foreign culture.. and shooting them."



Our cultures each fill voids in the other's, we share a lot of common history and ancestry. So enough is enough, the message threads are closed and the guilty from both sides are being dealt with by the board admins.

That is all.

Preparation is the key

Despite a serious slowdown here, our readership is on the up. Sadly, we're all rather busy with University, being drunk and preparing for our 2 hour video special in December. So, we'll be passing you on to some equally intelligent people who'll be stretching our usage up with videos and the like and answering your questions.

Today's video comes courtesy of Scott, via his youtube show, with extra commas and added questions, to you, from the US, in reference to the previous post which caused so much approval/mild disgust.

The Ocean is not the only Barrier

I like Americans.

I especially like Canadians.

I'm not so fond of France, as was once said "France, like Wales, is a beautiful country.. ruined completely by the people who live there."

Yet, in the past week I've found myself siding with the Frenchies more than Id perhaps expect, because it seems that any debate I get into with most North Americans.. no matter how eloquent, politely voiced and correct my opinion.. results in a barrage of misguided anti-european rhetoric and constant, over-inflated claims of saving Europe.

"We saved your asses in the war!" is one of my favourites, whenever I gain the upper hand in any dispute.. this is the big gun that is always wheeled out by every ignorant moron and narrow-minded simpleton who ruins the reputation of the vast majority of North Americans who have a brain.

It annoys me for a few reasons, namely ; 1) Its a very big and arrogant claim to make, 2) The person making the claim was invariably not involved in said conflict and 3) Its not really true.

However, I'm not going to get drawn into another debate with people who receive all their history lessons courtesy of their DVD player. I'm here instead to instill that most British of traits, Tolerance.

One chap only today decided to let rip on the subject of my country.. a place he has niether visited nor lived in. Claiming the UK is "A huge welfare state".. I can tolerate that comment.

I tolerate it because I am safe in the knowledge that its not true, we have some of the highest levels on employment in the world, and the very highest standards in literacy. British made industrial and engineering components have the lowest rejection rate from their customers of any on the planet.

I'm always told that we rely on American investment, technology and protection.. again not true.
We invented the jet engine, the scramjet, radar, the television, the internet, the railroad, James Bond, the hovercraft, Depth charges, the bouncing bomb, Disc brakes, electromagnets, the electric motor, the fax machine, holography [holograms], Penicillin, Australia, the periscope, polyester, the submarine and most importantly, toilet paper.

We had the largest empire in the history of the planet, containing 1/4 of the world's population and 1/3 of its land surface.

We got the Zulu nation to surrender in around 30 minutes.. the shortest war in history. All the cruise missiles in the world didn't scare Saddam enough to wave his white flag at that rate.

Yet, we don't keep going on about it.

As much as I love Americans, you have made cheap cars that won't turn corners, used the movie U-571 to claim you captured the enigma coding machine from the Germans- when it was actually us, lost in vietnam, held the olympics and chosen to broadcast your most ignorant of views on the world while being home to possibly the largest proportion of non-passport holders in the world.

All this in itself isn't so bad, but the problem is.. like us in Britain, your period of dominance in the world is at an end. It's Chinas turn next.

Forget Russia and the US as the world's superpowers, its going to be China and the European Union. Economically, you are in a serious mess. On the foreign policy front, you are hopelessly ignorant, and unbelieveably arrogant.

This behaviour cannot continue because your time at the top of the tree is over. So, let's stop the unpleasantness, yeah?

.. and we're back

Hey all, I'm pretty much recovered now, so as from tomorrow, its business as usual.

cheers

Down with the sickness

Hey people!

long time, no see. I do apologise for this but, as you can tell by my suitably rocknroll reference above, I'm spectuacuarly unwell.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible

much love

Blogger's choice awards

With two weeks to go, our assault on the Blogger's Choice Awards is going spectacuarly well considering we're up against blogs that have been going since the dawn of blogging time.

Despite the numerous e-mails we've had stating that it seems impossible to sign up and vote for us, we currently lie in 35th place [out of serious Thousands] in the "Hottest Daddy Blogger" category, despite not one of us being fathers. This is fantastic!

So, we need, at an estimate, an additonal 200 votes to win the category. That would of course SERIOUSLY piss them off, and would be a nice little "fuck you" for making it so complicated to vote. We believe the sign up issue is resolved, so recruit your friends, neighbours, families and co-workers and lets uphold the motto of The Hardcore Effect;

"Making A Mockery Of Everything You Stand For"

So, get over to - http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/51868 right now, and make the difference. Prove that expanding into The Experience Project wasn't stupid, that beer on your breakfast cereal is not insane and that awards about blogging are a total waste of time.

We will love you forever for it.

Plus as extra incentive, if we win the category we will release a christmas album of cover songs chosen by you, for free. Hows that float your boat?

Simplify, man!

After yesterdays simplified look at Politics, my love of simple things has extended yet further to other areas of life.

Sadly, my annoyance has too.

Why can't everything in life just be plain and simple? I must try in future to keep all my posting as simple as possible to allow the maximum audience enjoyment I think.. in a time of universal deceit, simply telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.. and I'm a revolutionary, baby!

Is it beyond the realms of human ingenuity to simplify the small print on a credit card commercial?, just to give people a fair shot at figuring out if its wise for them to get one [It almost never is for the record] would make life so much more pleasant for people.
Complications ruin life, nowehre more so than technology. Daily you or I may come to our computers, push the switch and expect everything to work. This way of thinking is probably ok, if you apply it to say, a new car. When does a new car ever break down? Hardly ever, thats when.We have been reduced to seperating "good" and "bad" cars on very minor details, but with computers its a totally different situation.

Modern computers are far more powerful than ones that have been sent into space aboard the space shuttle, things can..a nd will go wrong. This in itself is not the end of the world, but you can see it from there.

This because it's not the breaking that pisses us off, its the inability to diagnose or repair said malfunction in 90% of cases without aid. Why is that? Needless complexity I'd say. Now, I'm not for one minute saying we should make simple computers out of organic peace wood and bits of beard, I'm saying we need to reign in the people who make and program them. The computer nerds.

Think about it, when your computer gets the blue screen of death, or displays some indecipherable text about "General Protection Fault xx000.110.020xx" or "Illegal Operations" then promptly bursts into flames, you must remember that some imbecile knows what the problem is and must then have written the text you just read. The fault could be repaired in some cases by as little as tinkering around in Control Panel.. but does it ever tell you that?

"General Protection Fault xx000.110.020xx" could, in all probability mean "Theres a bit of dust in the graphics card slot, give it a blow and all will be well". They KNOW what these faults are, but they NEVER tell you? why is that?

Then theres the case of my previous computer, which would, whenever it felt inclined, switch off. I would switch it back on, only fo ti to condescendingly inform me that appear to have shut down my computer incorrectly and would I like to view the help file? Why?!?

Well, I suspect, its revenge. These are the people whom you probably teased a little in your youth, for sitting alone, in the dark, in a basement, on World of Warcraft, Masturbating over a level 70 mage in a bikini. This is their revenge. They have made this perplexing technical language, then a help system that doesn't work, purely so you have to rely on them. So your life is inconvenienced purely for some poorly thought out and underserved abuse you may or may not have dished out them in high school.

If you didnt go to the prom with the spotty ginger kid, its YOUR fault too. He's probably now in charge of programming your ipod, which is now going to break for no real reason. That'll teach you.

So, I've had a brainwave. Hardcore OS. Forget windows, forget linux and forget Mac OS, we need an OS for the people, by the people who can be arsed to learn how to make it.

Just think how much better and cheaper your life would be if instead of "General Protection Fault xx000.110.020xx" you got, "look, I'm a bit warm, switch me off for an hour or so, alright?".

That would just cut out the waiting on the phone for the tech support guy to inform you that you are infact, a simpleton. Just a thought.

The Hardcore Guide to Politics

With all the political turmoil going on these days, I thought it was about time your old uncle Benji lifted the fog a little on the basics of politics.

The first thing anyone must remember is that despite what you see in the news and what is said in the paper, you have to look past it. Try and think about who wrote the article, filmed the piece or who owns that particular media outlet, I assure you they'll con you if it gets the result thats best for them.

So, lets strip all the crap away and look at it at a basic, bullshit free level.

ANARCHY
We'll start with anarchists, for some reason, probably the PR machines of the other political factions, when people think of anarchy they think of disorder and street violence. Anarchy is actually the principle that people should be allowed to govern themselves without the interference of a central government. No Tax - Good, No Corporations - Good, its all looking pretty good so far, but remember without an interfering central government, who'll bother to build roads, build an dstaff schools and hospitals? I'm sure anarchists have a solution for this, but I am not aware of it, and I'd urge you not to judge it purely on my portrayal.

COMMUNISM
Communism, like socialism and anarchy, is a political system that has undergone a massively successful character assasination campaign by western governments and corporations. Often confused with Stalinism [which as we all know isn't very nice], Communism actually works on the tenet that everything becomes property of the state. In very simple terms, If there were ten people in a country, those ten people would each be given a 1/10th share of all the companies and factories in the land. In actuality it doesn't quite work like that, but the base principle is that if these things are in the hands of the people rather than a group of obscenely wealthy business men, Fair wages will be paid, which results in greater job satisfction.. and if you are making butter, for a state controlled [owned by all the people] butter company, and you are going to have to buy the end product, you'll be damned if its going to be anything less than the greatest butter in the world. It doesn't outlaw being rich as such, but its a system that attempts to keep the differecnes between rich and poor as small as possible so that everyone is comfortable. there has only ever been ONE TRULY communist government.. in Chile.. and it worked so well that the CIA are reputed to have been assigned to bring it down. Can't have that on the doorstep of capitalism can we?

SOCIALISM
Socialism, again like Commnism, gets a lot of bad press. Its seen as somehow "Unpatriotic" to be a socialist. Yet, lets be fair, you are probably reading this in a western country, ruled by a government of rich men who are privately educated. They'll be damned if they are going to let you get big ideas and sweep their cushy lives from under them.
The vast majority of people are Socialists [Einstein and Martin Luther-King included], even if they don't think they are, they do reguarly claim to be in favour of what are basic Socialist policies. Socialism stops a bit shorter on the money front than Communism. Its ok to earn a good solid wage. They agree that a rocket scientist should be paid more than the lady who brings the tea.. what Socialists believe is that the tea lady, regardless of her place or circumstances of birth, should have the same opportunity to become a a rocket scientist if she so chose. If shes bad at it? ok, but at least she was allowed to try and wasn't kept out of the best schools purely because Daddy couldn't afford to make a "donation".

LIBERALISM
Again, a bit less Socialist than Socialism, but basically the same. The problem with all the left wing philosophies is that they believe there is goodness and intelligence in everyone. So this is how we end up with murderers being taken out of prison to learn to be a carpetner, and young offenders get taken to disneyland because they aren't bad, just neglected. They are generally in favour of immigration, and see the world as one big community. Somewhat soft on crime and in favour of political correctness.

CONSERVATISM
Now we enter right wing territory. Conservatives, are in favour of big business. They like immigration, but won't admit to it, they like it becasue if a country has a large pool of labour available to fill jobs, the rich people who vote for them won't have to pay such high wages. Google Margaret Thatcher and you'll get the picture of how this works, or see my blog entitled "David Cameron is a Penis". They sell themselves on nationalism and pride. There is a clue to their intentions in their name.. Conservatives.. They are wealthy, and they want it to stay that way. Here in England, they take the police off patrol in poor areas, tried to remove our right to free healthcare because their rich friends can afford to go private and don't much care for funding everyone elses healthcare, attempted to convince us that the introduction of a minimum wage would bankrupt companies and result in mass unemployment. What is also true is that they have been receiving cash donations for their respective campaigns.. from a series of dodgy people, many of whom are heavily linked to the current global economic crisis, in that they caused it and got very, very rich off our misery.

However, if you are quite well off or own a business, I can totally understand if you vote this way. I sympathise too, many of these people have lived privilged lives and so can't relate to us poor folk. I do understand how people are duped into voting this way, I also understand why people would choose. Again, remember I am being a bit biased becaus eof my families usffering under this kind of government.. do some impartial research.

FACISM
Finally, we arrive in the land of the fascist. Hitler was a prominent fascist, as was Mussolini. They harbour a strong "Us & Them" Mentality. Hitler, despite being Austrian, believed that Germany was for Germans.

He later loosened this and like most modern Facists, believes in a "European Brotherhood". Ranging in intensity from a mild refusal to co-operate with non white/non christian countries, to full on ethnic cleansing a la the holocaust to keep Europe "pure".

If you were German, to be honest, Hitler did alright for you. He promised jobs, he made them, he invented the Volkswagen Beetle, the Autobahn and alot of military tactics still used today. He united Germans and despite my hatred for the man, I have to say, he did a good job in Germany all round. It was his intolerance that caused most of his problems.

In summary, do a bit of research and use your common sense. As much as it may be tempting to read a holocaust denial piece written by a man who claims Australia is a fictional country, use your brain and realise thats just mental.

Look into who truly has the best intentions, and not who kisses the most babies.

oh, and one last piece of advice, just let me clear some jargon;

Tax Cuts - sound nice, actually aren't. They may give you 1p back out fo every pound you earn, but if you earn £100 a week, you are only £1 better off. Yet if you earn £20,000 a week.. well you get the picture

Cuts to public spending - Ermm.. sounds good again, saving money? lower taxes, right? well this is actually the area where you WANT to be spending money. Public spending is hospitals, schools, the police, the army. Don't forget that.

Finally, good luck, its a jungle out there.

Bitches be crazy..

For those of you still unaware, it seems more than likely that we'll be appearing live on Blogtv this December for two hours of interactive fun and frolics.

One of the topics I've been considering is crazy exes, I've had my fair share and it seems when it comes to downright insanity the ladies in our lives have the edge.. only just though.

We'd like you to e-mail us your crazy ex story, and the best will win something lovely and probably alcohol flavoured.

At this point I was going to share a story I'd heard recently about one particular female beserker that will probably blow all of yours out of the water, but its such good material I'm going to need it for the live show frankly, Instead I'm going to inspire you with a story I saw in a magazine some time ago.

Basically, the author was out on a date with his partner, he already had his doubts about her mental stability, after enduring the oh-so-original lying about being pregnant situation - the emotional crutch of all true mentalists - I digress however, at some point in his evening a small disagreement broke out between the happy couple and he decided it was best to go home and stop his lady causing a scene.

She followed him outside, where she kicked his shins while screaming at his like a twisted banshee, before lunging forward and taking a huge bite of his nose.

She then faked some tears, wiped his blood all over her face and ran into the nearest bar playing the old damsel in distress card, cue a line of large men who would all like to be the hero [and sleep with her afterward], pouring out intent on breaking the young chaps legs.

He made a quick escape and she never came home, although he goes on to say that she does still phone his mother claiming to be his wife.. which is nice.

So, c'mon, don't be shy. Send your craziest ex stories to Hrdcoreeffect@live.co.uk, or simply comment below.

There could be a little somthing in it for you.

Writer's Block

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