I'm here, again . . .

Why hello there, lads and ladies.

Fully aware that I rarely post, and that to be honest few people give a shit either way, I'm slightly dubious about inflicting my own uneducated views of the World around us upon you. But seeing as how I have this medium to do so, (cheers for that one Ben, my old mucker), I'm going to do so regardless.

Firstly, I have become an avid X Factor pervert. I initially began watching it religiously last year, as a way to keep my Missus on her toes, as it gave me the perfect excuse to letch at the rather delectable Miss Tweedy (Cole, my arse).
That said, only this year have I started to really appreciate what some people on this programme have to offer.
As far as I am concerned, that Essex bird Stacey Solomon is the proverbial mutt's nuts. Her rendition of Coldplay's "The Scientist" is without a doubt one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard performed. It is not like to me to speak in such terms, just ask any of my entourage, but if that was released as a single it would storm the charts. Absolutely amazing.

There are certain events happening in circles closer to my own heart, or at least closer to my own profession, in the media. I refrain from commenting, partially throuigh fear of reprisals, but mostly because this is not really an appropriate forum.

Recently I have simply been getting on with life, which is hardly worth a mention here.


However, what is certainly worth a mention is the fact that it seems I attract nicknames like a tramp on the streets of Blackpool attracts the attentive conversation of Ben and myself, particularly when suited and booted, and bored whilst waiting for out turn in a cash point queue.

To date I have attracted a series of nicknames in my unit. Rather than be known by my usual tag of Sheepay, a pseudonym that my significantly embarassed better-half is still attempting to get to grips with, I seem to gain prefixes relative to whatever depraved act I have recently been documented as committing.


I arrived at my unit in the company of a good friend, also known as Dan. It was decided early on that two young men named Dan must be referred to as "The Two Dans," a collective term that still rears its ugly head from time to time.
And so, Dan 1 and Dan 2 were given due designation. I began this term as Dan 1.

A few weeks into this post I was given the task of laying a makeshift (read: highly illegal, unauthorised and cowboy effort) telephone line so my boss could take all those important calls. This involved tapping into an existing line, routing it through to his office.

To ensure everything was as tidy as possible I taped the line along walls to keep it away from prying fingers. If there is one universal truth then it is that ANYTHING can and will be destroyed by a bored squaddie, so everything and anything is kept as far from them as possible until needed. Bloody louts.

This particular taping tasking required me to be on hands and knees, a position which became the centre of firstly ridicule -

"Fnar Fnar, polish my knob while you're down there, Dan 1."

and slowly led into physical abuse, with every single comedian putting the boot in. As the new lad, and extremely junior, it was par for the course. Until, of course, it was par no more.

After being subjected to a dozen or so physical attacks I began to lose my almost infinite temper. One poor lad, Steve, was to be the recipient of a retaliatory effort not quite comparable to the storming of Normandy, but monumental nonetheless.

Having watched everyone else walk past and give me a nudge, and having watched me roll arse-over-tit in a hilarious fashion once more, Steve decided it was his turn.
My apoplectic rage manifested itself in the form of pure aggression, which was a surprise no less for me than for he.

Turning swiftly, I avoided his ill-timed kick, shot upwards, grabbed the nearest object and swung for his head.
I'd picked up the desk in-tray, and the ancient, brittle plastic shattered into a hundred pieces over his skull. The tray was not heavy and he was unhurt, but shocked beyond measure. He could not have looked more shocked had I slapped him across the face with an erection.
The surreal nature of the attack proved too much for Steve and the congregation, who to a man bent double with laughter.
From that moment I was to be known as "Evil Dan," although it was noted that anybody who wished to have a go did so whilst I was out of reach of stationary.


Next time, the origins of the nickname "Gay Dan." I may even include a poo story for you.

Youtube should stick to video hosting

I've been meaning to write this piece for years, but have never got round to it until now.

If we've learned nothing else on our voyage of discovery together, and we haven't, we've still learned that the internet is populated in the vast majority by cretinous, egotistic morons with too much time on their hands. The end result of which, is youtube.

As a resource, no-one can argue that youtube is great. We use a fair amount from the 1% of its content that can't be described as "shit" on this very site, and it hosting these clips on our behalf is most helpful.. but..

Leave aside all the shit videos.. and there are plenty.. for just a second, and let's concentrate on some real issues here.

Just like with blogging, youtube is useable by all, which menas there is absolutely zero quality control. Could you imagine if TV channels were this hit and miss..and miss.. and miss?

I can't play professional football because I'm lanky, lazy and hopeless at football, Hugh Fearnley-whittingstall can't be a model because his face is on inside-out, and no-one wants to see a video of you jumping into a river from a bridge.. because you're a twat. Life is unfair, I'm sorry. It's just you're ruining the internet and so now trying to find some useful resource is quickly becoming impossible, beneath layers and layers of pointless 5 second videos and the insane ramblings of a million people who could be medically diagnosed as idiots.

A perfect case in point is a series of videos released by a group of Republican Americans, whom we know to be misguided at best, and fanatically cretinous and vile at their worst. This short series of videos, delivered on behalf of some mad man, by a woman with unlikely hair informs us that the British Government is actually in cahoots with the Dutch in an Anglo-Dutch empire, whom control America's leaders like puppets to force through a green, liberal agenda. The goal of which she describes as "obvious". I promise you, it isn't. Turns out you see, that the goal of this coalition and its tireless work toward hydro-electric dams, solar powered badgers and cars that run on tears of joy is.. genocide.

Quite how this is all linked she doesn't say, nor does she tell us quite how all this green movement results in genocide. I learned somethig though, that my most fervent wish is that she has since been locked away and quietly murdered.

This is truly just the tip of the iceberg, US site "The Onion", really does a far better job of mocking such people than I ever could;

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/conspiracy_theorist_convinces_neil

Deeper investigation of Youtube's content unveils a long list of hate filled comments to innocent users, blatant lies, idiocy of epic proportions and most alarmingly, truly amazing levels of arrogance.

Random people simply arguing the toss about concepts of which they have no real knowledge, from who would have won the cold war had it got nasty, right through to time travel and a deep space exploration.

There I was watching a European space agency video on deep space propulsion, only to be told helpfully by a user named; reachingskies , that the video was "unrealistic" and then another moron chipped in adding that he could think of two better forms of deep space propulsion. Well, thank God they were there to clear that up for me, for a second there a collection of the World's most pre-eminent rocket scientists almost had me duped. Luckily, the users of youtube were there to keep me on the straight an narrow.

So, the message of today's update is, in summary, "It's all completely hopeless".

Try and have a good day.

Hitler - Complaints

Ok, so some of you don't seem too happy with us allowing Hitler into the fold. We were going to address these concerns, but it turns out that Hitler is launching his own PR campaign...

Realisation of the obvious - #1

Ben and Jerry's Ice cream. It's pretty fucking expensive.

LifeGauge - A Hardcore Effect Experiment

Life, both yours and mine, is nearly always broken down into statistics.

We heard recently for example that the average woman will spend one year and four months, or 12,012.92 hours, of her life crying. Teenage girls clocking up an impressivly emotional two hours and thirteen minutes a week crying like.. erm.. a girl.

Men spend over a year of their lives somewhat more constructively by looking at women they don't know when they shouldn't be.

Women earn the equivalent average of $1 million less than men in the same job over a full working lifetime, and we're told that an average person eats 10 spiders in their life, while sleeping. Yet, none of those examples feel like a tangible fact, you still don't really appreciate the gravity of facts like those, so, since this life assessment lark is all the rage I've begun work on my own little project.

The Hardcore Effect Pile Of Crap.

Over the next twelve months, I will be monitoring [because I'm curious about it] how much time I spend doing stuff I really don't want to. The rules are really quite simple;

-Work is not included, and so time measured can only be taken from what would otherwise be free time.

-I must express clearly that I have no wish to participate in said actvity.

-The moment I begin to participate in such a task in anyway, the clock is started. My free time has been priced at a rather paltry £2 per hour, which is a fucking bargain.

-Money earned over this period must then be spent on crap. The rules for selection allow only items that are random, pointless, broken or hideous.

-Every month, these items must be placed into The Hardcore Effect Pile Of Crap to be photographed, prices must be recorded. Thus progress is monitored.


I started today, after I was dragged to Lancaster to go shopping, which is the fifth worst thing that can happen to a man after serious testicle trauma, catching ebola, being set on fire and catching a bus. Thanks to inexplicably bad traffic the whole debacle took an impressive 5 hours, which earned me ten pounds to spend on utter crap.

I chose to put a tick next to the random party today and decided to find the most out-of-place and pointless item I could. How the winner ended up in a branch of TK Maxx in Lancaster I will never know, but, today ladies and gentlemen I came home with the away shirt of Austrian Premier Division football team, Red Bull Salzburg. It's a bit rubbish and has made me truly happy.

New Blogger

Hey, once again its time to add to our team, Please welcome Hitler.

Yes, you thought he was dead, but it turns out thats just rumour and hearsay. Adolf will be chipping in with occasional posts from time to time, first up though is a video contribution.

Hitler has fit in with the team surprisingly well, being consumed with rage is what we're all about. However, it seems some announcements about the forthcoming Command and Conquer game have upset him even more than usual. Enjoy.

Meet the team: Adam

Dr. Adam Jagermeister Gruppenfuhrer Brainspiller M.D. 1987-


Originally named Jurgen Von Gayhair, Adam actually came out of a kinder egg his parents bought from a covered market in Slough. Despite this, and the firm belief he holds that he is a 6ft 5" black man in a white guy's body, Adam did go on to make us all proud and gain a variety of doctorates including, amongst others;

Erotic Massage
Crochet
Advanced piss artistry
Hair bleach: safe use and storage
Insults and casual violence
Bouncer provocation
Rocking out
Jellymould manufacture
and Feminism for bastards

Also the proud owner of a 2:1 in shut the fuck up, whatever that may be.

A connosieur of incredibly shit cars, Adam's previous car history reads like a What car? guide to looking a right dickhead. The most treasured of these former motors was the white Mk 1 Ford fiesta that could just push 70mph, whilst giving you an electric shock and shuddering as if re-entering the Earth's atmosphere.



One of Adam's biggest secrets is that after a few beers in a evening, he has an uncontrollable fetish for brightly coloured jukeboxes which contain the American Head Charge album "War of Art", however, as yet he has only actually made love to one, which he described as "The shizzle".

Adam's spare time is usually spent indulging in one of his many hobbies which include wanking, bribing nightclub security staff with chips and drinking Jagermeister until blind, then vomiting on a roundabout.



Known to genuinely believe that a group of homeless people is actually known as a "wankfest of tramps", Adam freely admits to a deep held respect for the hobos of Britain which resulted in his founding of the charity "Wank a Tramp", where drunkards are encouraged to give a little love to the more neglected members of society.



Co-wrote with Benji the bestselling book "Trick ass bitches: An illustrated history", which enjoyed a massive sales boost after the pair appeared in a double-action naked centrefold in Practical Pimping Magazine. A fall from grace followed, which saw Adam arrested as a sexual deviant. Originally sentenced to 3 days and a spanking, his sentence increased after an incident during room inspection which saw a large prison guard thrust his face close to Adam's and say in what he probably thought was a menacing voice "Sort your cell out!"

Adam looked back at him for a second then replied in a tender whisper, that was audible half way across the jail "You look like a girl, if we were alone in this cell I'd bend you over the table and fuck you" Then he pursed his lips into a little kiss. If nothing else showing the wit, class and intelligence that landed him a slot writing here.



This incident was later documented on his number three single "I Shit On You", a rap recorded to a imple drum beat and an audio recording of him actually taking a shit. Sheepy was the producer, naturally.

So, armed with this knowledge, please enjoy his ramblings. . Or he'll fucking nut you..or shag you.

A brief note on future reviews written by us

When I was perhaps 18 or so, My all-consuming passion in life was to lead a lifestyle beyond my means. I have no doubt that I am not alone in this.

I would get paid on a Friday and by Sunday be hopelessly poor again until Friday came round thanks to weekends spent drinking far too much with a group of friends, then getting overpriced taxis home.

Naturally this lifestyle was never particularly cheap, and so I went down the old road of credit cards and unauthorised overdrafts.. thats the kind that come with a £30 charge, presumably to pay the extortionate wages of some bloke who approves or denies such requests.

Of course, borrowing for beer is unsustainable and eventually the time came to pay all this cash back. This, however, was not really of concern to me.. because I was drunk. I decided, in a quite logical way that I owed a lot, but in small sums to various debtors who were all threatening to have some bloke come over and remove my TV, my magnificent collection of utterly disgusting porn and my kidneys. I decided that these threats were empty, it would in effect cost them more than I owed to clear it all legally and pay the burly morons to rock up to my door. I was right.

It was 2 years before I grew up and cleared many of these debts for which I was threatened almost daily with legal action for, and I now live damn near debt free. Why is this?

Well, at the time I got many letters from various account managers and bank types declaring they were "concerned" and any variation thereof, to note I'd done nothing about my debts. Truth is they could have put "angry", "suicidal" or "vomiting with blind rage".. the fact remained, I had their money and I wasn't going to do anything about it.

Until one day, I got a letter from Capital One, saying they were "disappointed to note". Thie changed everything, because you see, they were disappointed. This means THEY had high hopes for ME, THEY thought better of ME and I had let THEM down. Some months later I was clean and clear and I'll never go back.

When most people think of the strongest word in the English language, they instantly think of the word "cunt".. or at least we do. Yet, that word is really more shocking than strong. Disappointed wins hands down, so I don't like using it.

Yet here I am finding myself noticing increasing numbers of people, situations, events and news items that warrant me dropping the "D-bomb". The purpose of this piece is to illustrate that if we ever describe something as "disappointing", avoid it like the plague. Sadly, you'll be seeing it plenty in the coming months.

Organic Chicken melts your face

Some people are naturally unfortunate, the sort that always seem to be down on their luck and having a hard time of it.

Gordon Brown springs to mind, with his regular verbal shoeings at the hands of a right wing, Tory owned media machine. I don't imagine Michael Barrymore has much to smile about either, sure he has loads of days off these days, but no-one will come to his pool parties. So, he went on Big Brother and went slowly mad.



David Cameron may be everyone's new best mate, but he has to walk around all day knowing that deep down, he's a bit of a twat. Fernando Torres has to deal with having hair like a girl and being Spanish. Alan Titchmarsh has wasted his life in flower beds, ignoring Charlie Dimmock's barely contained breasts to potter around in a shed like a cock muttering "Oooh.. wheres my Trowel?", all the while his wife is in bed with the milkman.



Its not even strictly applicable to people, I don't imagine being a Koala bear is all that great to be honest. Spending all day in one of the world's hottest climates, wearing a fur coat you can't remove and waking only to chomp on Eucalyptus, which aside from having the nutritional benefit of water, makes them high. So high, infact, that if they see anything that isn't another koala or a eucalyptus tree they get so scared they give themselves Chlamydia. Thats no fun at all, being tired and sweaty all day while rocking a sex disease you caught without actually having sex.

However, the award for "Git we'd least like to be" goes to that floppy haired, tofu munching ponce, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

Aside from being a bit of a dick, poor Hugh still appears on TV, oblivious to the fact that his habit of eating shit he finds in his garden has melted his face.

Hugh's mission statement in life is to make sure we all wear sandals, eat organic food we grow on roundabouts in the middle of a city and give up our gardens so chickens can dick around and ruin them.

I heard him only the other day, blithering on about how its everyones responsibility to eat well, and source food from free-range, organic, hippy communes and that such behaviour is not simply the preserve of the wealthy. He explained this while trying to showsome inner city dwellers, that killing and gutting a chicken you raised yourself, and turning it into a nice bit of Coq-Au-Vin was far better and more rewarding than dropping into KFC. This is plainly bollocks.

Clearly, Mr. Whittingstall has never tried the Colnel's secret blend of 14 herbs and spices.

Plus, maybe doing such a thing is better, in the same way that building a shelving unit from Ikea is better than buying one built by someone who knows what they're doing, who gets other men to drop it round your house and put it in, while you eat a pie. In that it isn't better at all.

Its also all well and good saying that its irresponsible to tamper with nature and not eat correctly. Well I have news Hugh, what is fucking irresponsible is growing crops that produce smaller harvests and have a tendency to die for no real reason when we have famine on the go in Africa and the like. Furthermore, there is a finite amount of space in the world and the population is on the rise dramatically. How can we feed these people on organic hens that have several acres to play in? We'd all have to live in concentration camps and tree houses.

I know I'm a bit of a Socialist, I don't like injustice and I quite like animals, in a way. Yet, while farmed meat isn't perhaps treated as well as I'd like. I think that human beings have certain qualities that elevate them above poultry, animals so stupid that technically, they can function without a head. If thats elitist, then I'm sorry.

Ignoring all this stuff though, you must realise that most of the people in the world aren't quite as wealthy as you, thus when the choice comes down to £2.39 smartprice chicken fillets, murdered by Mr. Matthews, or Free range organic chicken costing a million pounds. People with a brain and a limited income will always feed their families for mroe than one day a week, meaning the cheaper option is the only option. I know you believe that if we all went organic, more people would grow it and it'd be cheaper... but it won't.

On top of that, even science says its pointless, because organic veg has no added benefit in terms of nutrition.

I'm from a generation that grew up eating e numbers, too much salt and artificial colourings and guess what, we turned out ok.

Pensioner's advice meets hip-hop

A discovery has been made that may well change the world forever. Parents all over the world are going to rejoice when this technology becomes available to the masses. Using this new equipment you can now auto-tune Granny's gruff voice to make it pleasing to the ears of teenagers and then lay it over a phat beat so that they can relate to it. Pure genius, I think you'll agree. Thus starts a new feature, where we find the most genius of inventions and bring them to you. Once we have a few nominees we can then vote for the best invention of 2009. So, here we go, Nominee number one... the senior citizen auto-tuner...

The Hardcore Effect Awards 2009 - Best song

We have an early, but clear winner.

Enjoy

Meet the team : Sheep

We're undergoing some changes and expansion in the team here at Hardcore Towers, so, please allow us to introduce some familiar faces and somenew ones over the coming weeks, beginning with Sheepy.


Sheepay McSheepington Van Der Sheep-Sheep the First BSc.
1987 -

Well known sexual deviant and serial drunkard Van Der Sheep-Sheep has been writing for us since pretty much the beginning.

Most famous as the current holder and four-time winner of the title of 'Sexiest man in NATO', Sheep lists his hobbies as; Keeping it real, Schooling white kids, bringing sexy back, verbally abusing women, colonic irrigation, poo-ing, drinking, reading The Times and masturbating to local parish council magazines.


Once reached number 12 in the charts in Uzbekistan with a surprise cover version of Vanilla Ice's hit, "Ice, Ice Baby". The song sold well due to limited spread of the English language preventing many listeners picking up that most of the lyrics had been rewritten to be about taking a shit. Ice later took legal action after the line "Check out my hook, while my DJ revolves it" was changed by Sheep into something still legally unprintable today. The case was later thrown out on the basis that Sheep kept it roughly 73% more real than Vanilla.

Currently in the employ of Her Majesty's Armed Forces of the United Kingdom Of Great Britain [.. and Northern Ireland and The British Dependencies.. on occasion], which is an incredibly respectable position to hold, Sheep is still characterised by the self-loathing and hard-living that invariably accompany utter brilliance.

Found medically incapable of making a mistake.


Once described by the bloke that sold Thora Hird her stairlift as "a complete bastard", Sheep maintains that the disputed stairwell remained his property and Thora should have "got a fucking grip of herself". Later attended Hird's funeral purely to announce that he had indeed had the last laugh, as he had so often threatened. Little else of this feud has come to light.

We hope you enjoy his articles, he doesn't really care either way.

Kate Nash On The Street

Here we find our old mate Kate, receiving a trendy award for being so.. well.. trendy and from the street. We wish her well.

The Hardcore Effect World Cup.. for Crisps - The qualifiers

Listed below are the snacks fighting out to be crowned the Hardcore effect World Crisp Champion. We recognise some are not STRICTLY crisps, but merely corn based snacks, but we felt they should be represented. The crisps will be split by characteristics into groups, each one will be compared to the others in its group, with an overall winner and runner-up moving on to the latter stages to fight it out against crisps from other groups.

This really is seriously vital stuff.

Group A - Basic Crisps

Walker's Ready Salted
Seabrook's Prawn Cocktail
Highlander Salt & Black Pepper
McCoy's Flame Grilled Steak


Group B - Novelty Crisps

Walker's Squares
Wotsits
Skips
French Fries
Nik Naks
Pom-Bears
Chipsticks
Frazzles

Group C - Premium brand and corn based crisps

Kettle Chips
Philleas Fogg
Doritos
Walker's Sensations
Pringles

Group D - Other snacks

Beef Jerky
Salted Peanuts
Pork Scratchings
Dried Apple Crisps

Group E - Budget Crisps

Asda Smartprice
Space Raiders
Attack-A-Snack
Tangy Toms
Onion Rings


Group B, is of course expected to be a hotly contested group this time out. Young pretenders like Skips, vying against the might of Bacon Frazzles in the largest group in the competition.

This years surprise omissions include Walker's heavyweights - Quavers, a crisp that would under normal conditions fair quite well has failed to make the cut this year.

Stay here for all the action.

Dr. Adam - a medical update

You may have noticed before, that Adam as started a grime music based blog.

It seems our colleague and friend has fallen gravely ill, and in the delerium of his fever has come to decide that he is black.

I urge you not to worry, Earlier today Joe and I agreed to perform an intervention. Joe will strap him to his bed for a week or two, during which time we will play the Winnebago Deal album - "Dead Gone" - on repeat while cutting the eyes out of photos of 50 cent. He may cry, and it may seem cruel but we assure you its for his own good.

Recently, he and Joe moved to Preston where the only residents are Tramps, stabbists, performing arts students, people who clamp other people's cars, graffiti vandals, benefit cheats, chavs, complusive gamblers, drunks and general members of the criminal underclasses.

I reckon he probably already has a switchblade if you frisked him, and the other day he drove past and I instantly thought, "Oh no, a drug dealer is here." until I noticed it was Adam at the wheel.

You understand that this behaviour must be stopped in its early stages, like a nasty bout of bowel cancer.

We will keep you updated.

Inefficent lighting saved The Hardcore Effect

For sometime now, we've been considering the future of the blog.

All of us are busy chaps these days, and the recent and prolonged security issues didn't help, then there was concern that we actually had nothing left to say. This infact maybe true, its possible we will never publish another politically charged statement again, we have after all made our point.

However, something rather odd changed what we assumed to be the inevitable outcome.

People love to complain, about anything, no matter how trivial and pointless. The people who set to work on us, in truth, only really upset people and organisations we don't know or deal with.

You see, a few times a year, the town I reside in hosts a series of events and festivals. In the open area to the side of my apartment, there has been on occasion some incredibly powerful lighting erected. Something of an annoyance I'm sure you'll agree. I could and maybe should complain.

Yet, being someone with a brain, I realise that its very difficult to hold a cheese tasting or a flower arranging session in the dark, and so I like to hang some pieces of material over my windows to solve this, I like to call them "The Curtains" and they are fantastic.

This turned into something of a metaphor. You see the people we upset, who in turn upset a series of other people, could simply have closed their curtains. We don't force you to read something you disagree with, if it really upsets you that much.. maybe put the TV on eh?

Of course, everyone should read things they disagree with, you could be missing a trick and if little else it helps you keep an open mind and a balanced view.

So, we'll give it one last crack of the whip. Third time lucky eh?

New Blog

Hey all, I'm back in full blogging mode so you'll be hearing much more from me in the coming weeks you'll be glad to hear :) I've also set up a new blog of my own; 'Grimescene' so come and check it out!

I'm here, sort of . . .

Alright, I fucking know, I've been away for bloody ages. Well get a bastard grip, I've been busy ensuring that you moaning cunts can live in a relatively free society. Fuck me sideways, the things I do for you, eh?

On a side note, I'm entirely serious. I recently spent a week on a shitty exercise in the fucking arse-end of anywhere, carrying my own body weight in kit in ridiculous heat. Including eight hours spent lying in a nettle thicket waiting for an entirely imaginary "enemy" to pop by. Training my shitting arse.

Then I got in a world of shit for being "inconsiderate" to the feelings of the local populace when patrolling through a simulated enemy village. Considering we'd had reports of suspected suicide bombers in the market place I started shitting a simulated brick when a man broke off from the crowd and cycled towards me. Not being familiar with the local Pashto language, I improvised.
Apparently we're not allowed to shout "OI, FUCK OFF YOU PRICK." at Afghanis. Even ones who are paid a fortune to live over here to help deliver more realistic training.
It was so traumatic that I'm still recovering. In fact, only last weekend did I accidentally poo myself in a mates car. I say accidentally, I'm clearly incapable of making mistakes. It was an intentional self-poo'ing event brought on entirely by the rigours of my occupation.


In other news, you can completely ignore Ben when he says we should oust Maggie Thatcher from her existence. Old Mags is a fucking national treasure and should be reinstated without further ado. She'd sort the bastards out. Maggie liked nothing more than a good war and getting rid of the dross. No more free milk for kids? Boo-fucking-Hoo. If they're that desperate for milk they can get up half an hour earlier and raid a fucking cow.


Also, I'm not sure who this MC Lars character is, but I fucking well like his style. I'm sure there was deeper meaning to his song, some message that completely escaped me, there did seem to be a sarcastic element to it. Not to worry, I'll get that fucking brainbox Ben to explain it to me, over a curry, whilst I fight his Missus away from my Korma.

In other news, I've spent most of my time either working, being on duty or hiding in my shitty room, playing Street Fighter IV online. The vindictive bastards have forced me to pay for a TV licence, so I now join the masses in moaning about having to pay the BBC when their channels are bastard shit anyway.

Wait Out.

Bettering Mankind Vs. Making a Coffee

Many a time, over a coffee at work I've informed my workmates quite openly that were I not banished to the back warehouse, I would roam the main of the building shooting the doddering old people that so clutter up the lives of people with lives still to live. You're retired for God's sake! Why on earth do you feel compelled to dick around attempting to pay for your shopping with your library card when normal people are on their lunch break, or are late for work?

If the everyday business of living becomes such confusion, then maybe its time for the old folk's home.. or God's cue for me to take you round back, like a faithful old sheepdog, and put you out of your misery.

But.

In all honesty, with joking aside, I've never thought the death penalty was the right way to go for the majority of crimes. When a country coolly and calmly decides its going to kill someone, that's murder, and committing murder infront of a pre-invited group of priests, locals and family members of the condemened is, well, sick.

What does it acheive? By simply giving someone a lethal injection you are not even hoping to rehabilitate a criminal, its pure punishment and a very strange message to people.

We will deter murderers by openly and explicitly murdering people.. thats pretty fucked up, let's be honest, and it gets worse, religious executions are even more disturbing than state ones. Preaching the tolerance and love of God, by stoning a pregnant woman to death is unacceptable.

Plus who does it really punish? The criminal? Not really, they have a nice last meal, then they are murdered and then that's sort of it. Try remembering what it was like before you were born.. that's what it's like.. sorry. So in reality, the punishment is really dealt to the family, dependents and children of the person being "punished". That's even more fucked up.

Clarkson once wrote;

"You can define a truly civilised nation by two things;

1) It has a large fleet of nuclear submarines
2) It does not have the death penalty "

That leaves you with France and the UK. A handful of the more pleasant, tolerant and progressive American states too do not have the death penalty.. but I'm not sure where the US keep their nuclear submarines..

Now, I'm not saying that we should go easy on criminals, and yes I can think of numerous people I would like to see quietly and efficently murdered for the betterment of the human race;

Various religious fanatics, Maggie Thatcher, Sarah Palin, Robert Mugabe, Kim Jong Il, people who like oom-pah music, people who own ceramic representations of turds smoking pot, vegetablists, people in vulgar t-shirts from the internet, hardline Republicans, hardline conservatives, people who own a sign saying "You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps", people who attempt to make a living as a living statue in city centres, homophobes, nationalists, people who drink Carling C2, people who bought a G-whiz, tiny women that drive huge off-road vehicles, people who bought a Smart car, people who put bodykits on their cars, Heather Mills, the Pope, people who don't realise how pointless organic vegetables are, people who order skinny lattes-to-go, people who listen to Beyonce Knowles, chavs, anyone who buys trashy celebrity magazines and Jack Tweed.

but with those people, it'd be a crime of passion and you can sort of understand that I'm sure. You're trying to engineer something better. Its the same as a hardworking man who is trying to raise his kids right and be a good husband, coming home daily to find his wife having sex with the 13 year old who delivers the paper.. somethings gotta give. Eventually, he'll snap, shoot them both and not even the Texans would electrcute him for it.

Of course though, you allow something like that to continue often, and you'd end up able to compare me to Saddam Hussein's favourite son.. you know.. the one that fed hookers to his pet tigers, and that really isn't acceptable.

So, the solution it seems would be to shoot me afterward, so maybe I'll just make a coffee instead.

European election reminder

Hey Hey, just a reminder that you must all go out and vote in the European elections tomorrow. ok?

It's important.

"Hey, this is Europe. We took it from nobody; we won it from the bare soil that the ice left. The bones of our ancestors, and the stones of their works, are everywhere. Our liberties were won in wars and revolutions so terrible that we do not fear our governors: they fear us. Our children giggle and eat ice-cream in the palaces of past rulers. We snap our fingers at kings. We laugh at popes. When we have built up tyrants, we have brought them down. And we have nuclear fucking weapons." - Someone smarter than me

Quiet Sunday update

This is a quick, late night Sunday update. Why? because we can.

We've got a lot planned this week. We'll be testing out the truth in advertising and embarking on many other journeys of discovery in the name of "having a laugh", culminating in the Red Bull Showdown.. how much, is too much? Let's see.

Incoming..

Hey guys and girls,
I'd be lying if I said we'd been up to lots over our hiatus. I wouldn't be lying though if I were to say we have a lot coming up.

Ever wondered if its possible to overdose on energy drinks?

Ever wanted to construct a 100ft robot replica of yourself, but found you were unsure of the legality of it all?

Ever wanted to punch fans of Belgian free form jazz right in the middle of their stupid, polo neck wearing, existentialist, poetry writing faces?

you, my friend, are in the right place..

We're back.. 1st june 2009.

On Holiday..

We're all super busy right now.

So sorry to do this to you, but we promise we'll be back as soon as we can. keep checking back.

much love,
The Hardcore Effect

So true..

We all know someone as truly lame as the girl in this video.

enjoy.

Changes

We're currently in the market for some new writers and a general reshuffle to bring us back to our pre-christmas levels of hilarity and efficency.

Ravi is still caught up with uni and exams, but we hope to have him back soon.

Sheepy is also working hard, but will be staying with us, as of course will Adam.

Due to other commitments, we'll be parting company with The Hardcore Effect's first female blogger, Kabbyo. We of course, wish her all the best in the future.

So, if you'd like to join a team with a glittering history of success and glory, look now further than us;

1999 - Hardcore Effect founded.
2003 - Launched on Myspace.
2004 - Withdrew from Myspace, declaring it "Fucking Shit".
- Ravi arrested in London nightclub, The Funky Buddha, for pistol-whipping a stripper.
- Benji and Adam become published authors after the release of "Trick-ass Bitches: an Illustrated History".
2005 - Heavily criticised for encouraging our adopted troop of boy scouts to open a breast examination clinic.
- Second book - ""Sure, I'll take a DNA test" and 100 other things not to say to the Child Support Agency" enrages Feminists. Adam "Not bothered".
- Groundbreaking coverage of World's first openly gay racing dog.
- Launched on Facebook.
2006 - Ravi finds cure for SARS.
- Christmas Album gets to 32 in the Latvian charts.
2007 - Cutting report into how much better everyone elses child soldiers are.
- Praised for encouraging frugal spending after report into how beating people to death is far more cost-effective proves popular
2008 - Nominated for four Bloggers' choice awards
- Launched on Blogspot.com
- break taken after bloggers found to be de-sensitized to all but "testicle-related" violence

So, if you fancy it, drop us a line with a few details about you, write a piece on anything you like and we'll be back in touch before you know it.

Celebrity Death - Rule Update

After Adam's coup recently, where he chose Terminally ill, medallion wielding, open shirted, possibly homosexual, greasy, actor Patrick Swayze for his Celebrity Death predictions, and with Ravi and Sheepy still to pick at a time when Jade Goody is a guaranteed cert to kick the bucket, the decision has been made that we can no longer pick someone already diagnosed with a terminal illness.

This Rule will come into effect immeadiatly, the selection of Mr.Swayze will stand however.

Crediting the public with intelligence is very unintelligent

You know me.. I'm a pretty easy going kinda guy. It's fine with me if you don't like the idea of gays marrying, I mean you're wrong, but still I'm ok with that.

Today though, I have encountered several moments where the complete idiocy of the general public has become so apparant, I can no longer ignore it.

The first instance was in a shop near my house, where a woman was asking for some cereal.. the assistant handed her a box but the lady insisted that this is not the box she usually buys. The assistant politely informed her that it was, the difference being that the cereal had 100% extra free.

The lady replied by complaining that she didn't want it because it wouldn't fit in her cupboard. Clearly, she has missed the point.

The shop also provided my second experience when a gentleman rather angrily demanded a single pint of milk because they had every size out except that. Ignoring bottles containing two pints of milk, he angrily grabbed two 1 pint bottle from the assistant and stormed off. Clearly too stupid to comprehend that all he had acheived was a less roomy fridge for which he paid an extra 7 pence.

Later still I was approached by a man from the BNP who informed me that immigration was the source of all the countries problems and that if we simply kicked everyone who isn't white and European out of the uK we'd all be better off in every way.

There are millions more hopelessly stupid individuals out there. Attempting to pay for shopping with a library card, complaining about a financial situation they clearly don't understand, whining that a Polish plumber got their husband's job just because he was Polish.

This scares me. Should I ever be in court on a charge of fraud or something, anyone of these morons could be on the jury.

I may have got a tan on holiday and they may accidentally think I'm foreign, that'd ruin my case.

How on earth does Mrs. Nazi, who genuinely believes that supermarkets have Prayer rooms facing Mecca for their Muslim staff who are secretly conspiring to overthrow us and enslave all the west, know if its legal to move earnings through an acoount in the Cayman Islands?

The jury system works on a basis that you are tried and convicted by a court made of your peers and equals. If this was so, then Mrs. Nazi would find herself judged by a jury of Yoghurts and an African land snail.

Maybe professional Jurors is a consideration, but they'd all become so jaded over time that they may just convict everyone.

Certainly, there would have to be some restrictions barring the wrong sort of person such as;

- People who have ever been heard to say "Well, he looks guilty"

- People who read the Daily Mail

- Criminals

- People who claim that the damp in their social housing made worms burrow into their brains

- People who believe that the best way to sort the economy is to do nothing

- People with three cars

- Homophobes

- Xenophobes

- People with double-barrelled surnames

Of course, I don't even think that would work. Leave it with me and I'll think of something..

50 reasons to love the EU - Courtesy of The Independent

1 The end of war between European nations

2 Democracy is now flourishing in 27 countries

3 Once-poor countries, such as Ireland, Greece and Portugal, are prospering

4 The creation of the world's largest internal trading market

5 Unparalleled rights for European consumers

6 Co-operation on continent-wide immigration policy

7 Co-operation on crime, through Europol

8 Laws that make it easier for British people to buy property in Europe

9 Cleaner beaches and rivers throughout Europe

10 Four weeks statutory paid holiday a year for workers in Europe

11 No death penalty (it is incompatible with EU membership)

12 Competition from privatised companies means cheaper phone calls

13 Small EU bureaucracy (24,000 employees, fewer than the BBC)

14 Making the French eat British beef again

15 Minority languages, such as Irish, Welsh and Catalan recognised and protected

16 Europe is helping to save the planet with regulatory cuts in CO2

17 One currency from Bantry to Berlin (but not Britain)

18 Europe-wide travel bans on tyrants such as Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe

19 The EU gives twice as much aid to developing countries as the United States

20 Strict safety standards for cars, buses and aircraft

21 Free medical help for tourists

22 EU peacekeepers operate in trouble spots throughout the world

23 Europe's single market has brought cheap flights to the masses, and new prosperity for forgotten cities

24 Introduction of pet passports

25 It now takes only 2 hrs 35 mins from London to Paris by Eurostar

26 Prospect of EU membership has forced modernisation on Turkey

27 Shopping without frontiers gives consumers more power to shape markets

28 Cheap travel and study programmes means greater mobility for Europe's youth

29 Food labelling is much clearer

30 No tiresome border checks (apart from in the UK)

31 Compensation for passengers suffering air delays

32 Strict ban on animal testing for the cosmetic industry

33 Greater protection for Europe's wildlife

34 Regional development fund has aided the deprived parts of Britain

35 European driving licences recognised across the EU

36 Britons now feel a lot less insular

37 Europe's bananas remain bent, despite sceptics' fears

38 Strong economic growth - greater than the United States last year

39 Single market has brought the best continental footballers to Britain

40 Human rights legislation has protected the rights of the individual

41 European Parliament provides democratic checks on all EU laws

42 EU gives more, not less, sovereignty to nation states

43 Maturing EU is a proper counterweight to the power of US and China

44 European immigration has boosted the British economy

45 Europeans are increasingly multilingual - except Britons, who are less so

46 Europe has set Britain an example how properly to fund a national health service

47 British restaurants now much more cosmopolitan

48 Total mobility for career professionals in Europe

49 Europe has revolutionised British attitudes to food and cooking

50 Lists like this drive the Eurosceptics mad

We're all Europeans now.. and its for the best.

Just like the widespread criticism of the NHS we see all around us, the criticism of the EU is one of the medias favourite hobbies.

Lets square something away right now, I've spent AGES looking into this and the only people who will lose out in a Euro Superstate are the rich guys who own the papers. Put simply, without the pound.. currency trading becomes a real pain the arse. Currency trading is a great way to make a lot of money, you can't really lose because you can bet either way.

Another way they lose out is under stricter EU laws on stock trading. The whole reason we're in this mess wight now. You're poor, I'm poor, we're all suffering.. but you can bet your ass that some people got very, very rich off our misery. I'm writing a piece on how this works very soon, its immensely complex and I want to write it in such a manner that you'll understand and not wander off to drown yourself.

Yet, for you and me. Average guys and girls on the street, theres only benefit really. Just look at Northern Ireland.. the whole fucking country was rebuilt to an excellent standard with EU cash.

Sure, you can yell all you like about foreigners taking all the British jobs.. but you're a moron looking for a scapegoat. Jobs create jobs.. thats what we call a fact. These foreigners are going to spend their wages somewhere.. all the extra staff, with all the extra cash are going to make a lot fo jobs. Simple.

You also forget that its a two way street, you can just as easily up sticks and go to live and work in any other EU country with no hassle.. thats a fantastic thing.



Imagine a world where Russia, China or even the US will struggle to throw their weight around against a European Superstate with thousands of years of culture and Nuclear weapons to boot. Imagine the army we'd field? Imagine how awesome it would be to just stroll into Sweden like you'd wandered into Scotland. You wouldn't even need to go to the bureau de change!

People say; "I like my money with the Queen's head on it".. fine, Euros have two sides you know. You don't need to sacrifice being British, you just have to sacrifice being a simple Little Englander.

I for one am in favour, how can there be anything but benefit in us all working together?

If you're smart, you'll be in favour too.

Speaking of the NHS...

Check out www.betterthanthenhs.blogspot.com

Long Live The NHS

Pick up almost any newspaper in the country at the moment, and all we hear is how terrible the NHS is. Frankly, I'm fucking sick of it because that simply isn't true.

Want to see a truly awful health service? Try the USA or Romania.

The fact of the matter is that for a mere £4ish out of each paycheck, you not only insure yourself against injury, but you also get a pension and unemployment cover. You go out and fucking find me a better deal for that kind of coverage and I'll eat my words. Theres no loopholes, no catches.. you need a hospital.. you just go, need a doctor? Again you just go, no insurance forms, no questions and no stress.

On top of this, I can firmly say in all confidence that people who do criticise the NHS are invariably ignorant foreigners who don't use it but have a selfish hatred for social health systems of any kind, people who can afford expensive private healthcare and idiots who believe everything they read in the paper.

Sure, people will criticise. They don't think their precious £4 should be used to care for strangers, immigrants and fat people. If I ever meet these people, I shall endeavour to set them on fire.

For £4!?! Shit.. go crazy, you can all have an eye exam on me. You are the kind of people who complain when they put the price of a postage stamp up to 31p.. I'd like to see you take it there personally for that much, you fucking idiot.

Then there are people who say thats its rundown and overstretched.. of course its overstretched, free things invariably are, and YOU won't pay more tax to pay the doctors and nurses a better wage, but, rundown? not on your life.

I recently had the pleasure of being at Lancaster Infirmary, the building looks from the outside about 150 years old.. it would.. its victorian. Inside though, I've seen less sophisticated space ships. EVERY bed has a personal TV/Phone/Internet/Radio combination.. EVERY single bed. Had I been able, I could have blogged from there, while watching digital, high-definition cable TV.

You know something else? The food is better than you could possibly imagine, its fresh and tasty and you actually get a menu full of choices.. not just what they happen to feel like serving. They even do a very good chicken curry.

Invariably, someone will now write to inform me of some terrible experience they had.. of course there is going to be the occasional bad hospital. Thats inevitable.

As long as David "call me Dave" Cameron doesn't start pulling the funding when he and his rich, right wing buddies get into power, then those minority hospitals will be just that.. a minority.

You may say that this system is open to abuse, thats true. Yet, you'll be the first to complain when its not there. You can't tar the majority with the same brush just to make life harder for the terminally lazy and useless. You may say that you have read a bad story, or have known someone who had a bad experience, and that this qualifies you to pass judgement on the system and say that private is better. This is so stupid, its like saying that you can be a fighter pilot because you're good at monopoly.

The system even stretches to the army, did you know that the UK is the ONLY armed force in the world that has a CH-47 Chinook helicopter, with a fully operational operating theatre onboard. Its essentially a mobile hospital and has saved so many lives that I'm left wondering why the other three big defence spenders [America, France & Russia] haven't found room in their VAST military budgest for a similar thing.

I'm not some bleeding heart, wishy-washy liberal. I know its a cruel world with no room for idealism and that people are utter, utter bastards. I just think we can take the best of the left and the best of the right and come up with a far better system than anyone right now is pitching. Republican or Democrat.. Labour or Conservative. You've become so bothered about proving the other one is utterly wrong that you've forgot that there is as much truth in their view as there is in yours.. and between us we could come up with some fantastic compromises.

Think on.

We are listening..

To all of you, and there were quite a few who responded to our call for feedback, we have to say a huge thanks.

Its been noted that many of you can't be bothered signing up for a blogger account to interact with us fully, so bear with us and we'll come up with a solution. Everyone's a winner baby.

YOUR content HERE.. very,very soon.

Thanks again

Sell-out with us

You probably know how much success we've had in the first 10 months of the new style Hardcore Effect.

Especially of note was our anti-advertising attitude and refusal to allow sponsorship to skew our opinions. Well, we've been approached twice now to turn the site into a coloumn or feature in some second rate publications. This is great, so why didn't we?

Is it our integrity? Sadly, not. Its because all these offers did not involve us getting paid, so I'm going to dispel a myth. We do need to eat, so if you require us to write for your magazine on such a scale, please bear in mind that just because we do this for nothing doesn't mean thats totally by choice.

and essentially, we're whores that would eat children for a few grand extra a year.

Dangerous Trips for Boys - The Hardcore Tour 2009

Sure, theres a credit crunch.. and yes, we have no money.. but, damn it! We know how to drink.

As we know, this is all you need to have fun. So keep them peeled for this years dates, and maybe we can all get drunk together? huh?

The Hardcore Effect Meets - The Guild: Robin Thorsen

Hey, what follows is a lovely interview with our favourite side-bang wielding actress ever, the lovely Robin Thorsen.


Robin is a recent graduate of Chapman University in Orange with a BA in Theatre Arts, and an AA from Marymount College in Rancho Palos Verdes. While at school, she appeared as Julia in Lend Me a Tenor, Ethel in Moon Over Buffalo, Lala in The Last Night at Ballyhoo, Kate in Ladies in Waiting, and the Nurse in Romeo and Juliet. She has also appeared in Grease, Brigadoon, Damn Yankees, and Arsenic and Old Lace. Robin was twice awarded an Irene Ryan nomination to the Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival for her comedy performances. Theatre and film have been Robin’s passion for as long as she can remember. She is thrilled to have been chosen to play Clara Beane in The Guild.

First and foremost, huge congrats on winning our "Best Thing On the Internet Award", we hope you are as stoked about getting it as we are about giving it to you. With all that porn out there, who'd have thought it? Anyway, how does it feel to be crowned top dogs? How will you celebrate? Because you so should celebrate.

Thanks for the Award! How awesome is this?!? Of course I'm going to celebrate, in fact, I celebrated a little to much last night so you'll have to excuse me if my answers are whack!

Throughout this interview, we'll be firing some pretty odd questions your way, we figured you'd be tired of the same old questions and so we'll do our best to keep it fresh.. like this; Its a fight to the death, we've all been there. Which cast member would win?

In a fight? It has to go to Sandeep...he has some mean Karate moves...or maybe Amy, she could definitely do some damage!

We're sure you must get a lot of positive feedback, but as we know all too well, the net is also full of morons. How do you deal with negative comments? Do you find heavy criticism a problem?

It's hard not to read the comments. In this business you have to have a crazy thick skin and not worry about those lameos who feel the need to be negative

There are alot of differences between British and American humour, what is it, in your opinion, that bridges that chasm so well?

First of all, I think British humor is gold...I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ricky Gervais, Extras is one of my favorite shows. The thing about British humor is it's alot more dry and awkward (which is more my humor) than American. Did i answer that...meh...

Last Summer, we wrote a guide to being metrosexual. Clearly,we understand the importance of looking "freaky, sexy good" at all times. Who spends the longest sorting their appearance before getting down to work?

Oh, I would say the girls, Amy, Felicia and I ,spend the most time...I'm not a diva or anything, but I'm uber particular about my hair...my side bangs are my money maker!!!

We have discovered that no story involving 14 beers and take-out food has a happy ending. Do you guys ever partake in wild parties and nights around town after shooting?

We have some fun wrap parties! I have to say that Sandeep is my partner in crime, we're always 'in it to win it' when it comes to parties.

We once received a bit of coverage during the BBC's coverage of cricket, sparking a huge debate about baked goods, what is the weirdest thing any of you have had to do in promoting the Guild?

I'm not sure if it's weird but I basically threaten all my friends to watch the show or are relationship is dunzo...yep I just end it if they don't support me and my endeavors.

Picture the scene: You book a short break to Europe, just to take sometime for yourselves, but there's a mistake and you end up in the small industrial town of Delmenhorst, famous for linoleum production. What would you do to amuse yourselves?

I'm not sure if you know this, but I'm like super personable...It's funny, people just gravitate towards me...that said I'm sure I'd meet some cool person who'd want to hang out and we'd probably just get smashed. Let's call a spade a spade what else would you do in a town that is famous for linoleum production?!?!?

Speaking of Europe, we'd love to hear your opinions if you've ever been our way? The Welsh once saved Ravi's life.

I visited London for 3 weeks when I was in college and fell in love with it! The theatre was amazing! I hope to return soon...I just have to start saving!

Ravi, Adam and I recently started a short lived Austro-German Lounge-jazz-funk-fusion ensemble, replete with spangly jackets, keytars, handlebar moustaches and mullets. How much would you each charge, were we to approach you about appearing in a music video? We could offer all the currywurst you can eat.

I would do the video for free...yes free. I mean it's not everyday you get to be in a Austro-German Lounge-jazz-funk-fusion ensemble, replete with spangly jackets, keytars, handlebar moustaches and mullets right?!

We think you rock. Could we tempt you to come stay for a while? It'd be fun, Ravi has Tarot cards.

First of all...heck yes! I'm totally in need of a vacation...I'm super low maintenance...just give me some Kettle One and the occasional meal and I'll be set!! By the way you had me at Tarot Cards!!

Our research shows that real child neglect isn't very funny. Yet we don't feel guilty laughing at your character, how much fun is the role?

Yah...real child neglect doesn't get any laughs...too bad huh?!??! I think the reason people laugh at Clara's antics is because she's just so ditsy and clueless! Playing Clara is so much fun because she's so out there...especially in season 2, You see a totally different side of Clara. She turns into a hot mess!

I know someone very similar to your character. Luckily, she is not yet a mother. How much research did you do for the role?

Well let's hope your friend doesn't procreate!!!!! As far as research goes, I have a huge family so I've always been around kids. I didn't adopt a kid for a month to prepare or anything like that...although I did try.

Whats your most memorable experience fr0m your time on the show?

Memorable...well I would say when we were at Blizzcon. I mean, there was a line, like ,an hour long to meet us...How crazy is that!! Does that count?!?!?

Isn't this just the best interview you've ever had? We won't get all big-headed.. we promise.

I wasn't going to say it, but I have to agree...You guys are pretty amazing...Aren't I like the best person to interview?!?!?(it's ok, I already know it)

I once walked out of a Drama class because I was asked to act as the color orange. Whats the best and worst things you had to do while studying?

The color Orange?!?!? What kind of acting class was that?!? I majored in Theatre so I could go on for days on question...I never had to act like a color but i did have to act like an inanimate object, i chose a chaise lounge and let me tell you...Oscar worthy!!!!

Who have you most enjoyed working with?

I have to choose? This is when I turn really cheesy, ready? I loved working with everybody...we're like one big dysfunctional family!

What would you like to do next?

The obvious one is, Season 3 of the show...I'm super excited to find out what crazy antics Clara gets into! I'd also like to do anything that has to do with film or television...well not anything, I have my standards!

Thanks so much for your time, we hope to be speaking with you again sometime in the future, and wish you all the best with the show.

Thanks you guys for making us "Best Thing on the Internet"!! I'll see you in the office soon...huh huh?!?!?

Kate Nash on "The Street" #5

Pickings have been super thin this week, but after an exhaustive 2 hour search our heroine returns, bringing that "street" vibe with her middle class self.

Here we join Kate as she sets off to a viewing of Banksy vs. Warhol. At firstwe thought that was an art exhibition, turned out to be a dance battle... probably. Enjoy.

The Hardcore Effect meets - The Guild : Felicia Day

Following on from our last interview with Vince Caso, we've been bugging Actress and Producer, Felcia Day to get her views on everything from linoleum production to this dark little corner of the web. Do Enjoy.
Felicia was born in Huntsville, Alabama. She was home-schooled all her life and got her first acting role as Scout in the Huntsville Little Theatre production of “To Kill a Mockingbird.” Felicia started college at 16, majoring in violin performance, and then in mathematics at the University of Texas at Austin. She has been on television shows such as “Windfall”, “Strong Medicine”, “Monk”, “Love Inc.”, and most notably had a recurring role as Potential slayer Vi on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” She has been in such films as “Bring it on Again”, and the Emmy award-winning “Warm Springs”. She recently played the role of “Penny” in Joss Whedon’s “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog”, and filmed a 4 episode arc on the upcoming ABC Family sitcom, “Roommates”.
(IMDB)

First and foremost, huge congrats on winning our "Best Thing On the Internet Award", we hope you are as stoked about getting it as we are about giving it to you. With all that porn out there, who'd have thought it? Anyway, how does it feel to be crowned top dogs? How will you celebrate? Because you so should celebrate.

Well, being at the pinnacle of the web is certainly relative (we're not getting invited to hot parties or getting sent schwag in the mail, hehe) but I love being an underground success, and am very thankful we're not well known enough that I have to comb my hair to go to the coffee shop. That would suck.

Throughout this interview, we'll be firing some pretty odd questions your way, we figured you'd be tired of the same old questions and so we'll do our best to keep it fresh.. like this; Its a fight to the death, we've all been there. Which cast member would win?

Well, Zaboo is really nimble, but Amy is a dancer and is in great shape. I'd put my dollars on her, also it would look awesome if she kicked ass.


We're sure you must get a lot of positive feedback, but as we know all too well, the net is also full of morons. How do you deal with negative comments? Do you find heavy criticism a problem?

I have to chant a mantra "Resist the trolls, resist the trolls" a lot. Of course the worst comments seem to stick out in your head the most, but we're lucky to have fans who defend us for every negative comment posted. Also, getting a swollen head would be really irritating, and the internet saves me from having absolute self-confidence, so I'm thankful for that.
There are alot of differences between British and American humour, what is it, in your opinion, that bridges that chasm so well?

I think British humor is much more self-depricating and less glossy. Less precious. I tend to relate to it more, also because the actors are less perfect looking.


Last Summer, we wrote a guide to being metrosexual. Clearly,we understand the importance of looking "freaky, sexy good" at all times. Who spends the longest sorting their appearance before getting down to work?
I hate to say it, but Robin (Clara) does obsess over the angle of her bangs a lot. And it's a lovely angle, undeniably. (She's gonna kill me)<>

We have discovered that no story involving 14 beers and take-out food has a happy ending. Do you guys ever partake in wild parties and nights around town after shooting?

Uh, Sandeep and Robin know how to party. I am the butt of everyone's joke because I am so uncool. They keep ribbing me and asking me if the wrap party is gonna be a tea party with crumpets and jam. I was forced to take the first shot of my life at the Season 1 wrap party. True story :(


We once received a bit of coverage during the BBC's coverage of cricket, sparking a huge debate about baked goods, what is the weirdest thing any of you have had to do in promoting the Guild?
I signed a Nintendo Power Glove once.

Picture the scene: You book a short break to Europe, just to take sometime for yourselves, but there's a mistake and you end up in the small industrial town of Delmenhorst, famous for linoleum production. What would you do to amuse yourselves?
I would tour the linoleum plant. Talk about educational.


Speaking of Europe, we'd love to hear your opinions if you've ever been our way? The Welsh once saved Ravi's life.

No I haven't but I'd love to travel there. I read a lot of Highland Fantasy, and Knight Errand stuff, I think a tour of the Isles would be quite a journey.


You may not be aware, but you are our first guests to escape the dreaded Dangerwank question. Its on google, but we'd hate to be the source of any accidents, no-one needs another Micheal Hutchence, but less about us, who do you all take most inspiration from?

I'm inspired by people who go outside the norms of traditional success, like Kevin Smith, Miranda July, Jonathan Coulton, Lily Taylor etc. People who made their own way and have a clear point of view they don't muddy because they want success so badly.


Ravi, Adam and I recently started a short lived Austro-German Lounge-jazz-funk-fusion ensemble, replete with spangly jackets, keytars, handlebar moustaches and mullets. How much would you each charge, were we to approach you about appearing in a music video? We could offer all the currywurst you can eat.

I would charge cheese curls. Oh, and first-class air fare :D WTF is currywurst!?


The concept and the writing on The Guild are just superb. Please ignore our terrible, bitter envy and tell us, is this the manifestation of your inner nerd? or the product of some very accurate research?

No, absolute inner nerd. The fact that this point of view is the default me, and other people like it, is amazing to me. And means I don't have to work as hard because geek comes naturally to me :)

We've been dying to know, so please indulge us.. what was it you vomited onto the stunt guy? It looked remarkably realistic.
It was crushed pineapple juice and oatmeal. Yummy.


How hard has it been to get The Guild coverage in the media?
Internet media: Relatively easy. Anything outside of that: Impossible. Mainstream media barely covered Dr. Horrible, why would they cover my little show? :) But seriously, slowly they're coming around. The lightning pace of online life is much different from "regular" life. It's hard to remember sometimes when you live in one world more than the other.
Let's talk money, is the show expensive?

No, it's a web show. We're not rolling around in our gold coins with these videos. But, thanks to Microsoft we can actually pay people up front. It might make me a crappy producer, but I love writing our cast and crew checks.

Previously, I said that you would have to hold the business acumen of a mackerel not to see the potential of getting your company behind the show, is funding a problem?

Yes, because money, ultimately comes from advertisers and products, and they are not used to funding content on the web yet. It's getting there, but it's still new ground. I know how much they pay for 30 second traditional spots, and if they put that money towards a season of web content....man I could actually make a living at this :)

You rocked in Buffy, how awesome was being in that show? How hard was the role to secure?
Every audition is torture and total luck. I happened to have a good day, and they liked the way I acted. Thank God. That was the best job I had, aside from my internet work. Such a great group of ppl to work with, and I got to kill people with stakes. Yum.



We also hear you played Scout in "To Kill A Mockingbird", we studied the book back in our school days and it provided welcome relief from Shakespeare.. who is rubbish. How did you find that role?

My aunt did a lot of theatre, and I admired her. She thought of me when the role came up. I was 6 or 7, so I wasn't really on the lookout for jobs then, ha.

Obviously, we are now you're best friends in the UK, so you'll want to name drop us in the show.. and thats just fine bgy the way, but what else is in store for the show? How long do you see it being in production for?

I could go for several more seasons. The actors and characters are so rich. And worst case scenario, I could watch Vork read a phonebook and crack up. Season 8: Vork Reads Phonebook. Catchy.

We've heard a few comparisons floating around between your show, and cult comedy hit Chad Vader. What do you think?

I love Chad Vader and I met those guys, they're great. I like being compared to good material. They live outside LA and get locations for almost nothing, so actually I'm pretty jealous of them, ha.


Thanks so much for your time, we hope to be speaking with you again sometime in the future, and wish you all the best with the show.


So, there you have it kids. Still to come Robin Thorsen and Jeff Lewis, so you'll keep it here if you know whats good for you.

Upgrade complete

Hey, sorry we've been gone, but we've been taking some time to tidy the site a little. This way it'll continue to run super fast for you.

cheers

Still to come..

Well, nothing much today, but the rest of the week pans out pretty damn well.

We've got interviews with Felicia Day, Robin Thorsen and Jeff Lewis from The Guild, plus another surprise guest.

We'll be attempting to catch up with the boys from Mindshock and we'll be making the first draw of our inaugural Crisp World Cup.

Keep it here.

Finally though, please join us in wishing that handsome devil, Ravi, the best of luck in his exams. We all look forward to his return.

cheers

Kate Nash on "The Street" #4

Kate's back with us once again, keeping it real about life on "the street". God, we wish we were that cool...

The Hardcore Effect Meets - The Guild: Day 3 Vincent Caso

We know.. put simply, we're too good to you. You lucky bastards.

Today, we get the lowdown from actor and card trick maestro Vincent Caso, who kicks ass all over your screens as Bladezz. Sexual vulgarity has never sounded so poignant.

Vince was born in Massachusetts and raised in Los Angeles. He attended a school for the Arts and, with his training in front and behind the camera, he decided at the age of 13 to pursue acting. Within a year he booked a lead in his first feature film, “American Fork” from the producer of “Napoleon Dynamite”. Vincent is also an accomplished sleight of hand artist and playing card handler, he is never without a deck of cards, practicing and creating new tricks as he prepares to become a junior member of the Magic Castle. Check out his IMDB.

First and foremost, huge congrats on winning our "Best Thing On the Internet Award", we hope you are as stoked about getting it as we are about giving it to you. With all that porn out there, who'd have thought it? Anyway, how does it feel to be crowned top dogs? How will you celebrate? Because you so should celebrate.

It feels awesome. When we all got into this, I didn't have any idea that it would have the success it did. To see people get behind it as they have, and to see it do as well as it has been doing, it feels like a real accomplishment, especially considering the humble beginnings we started from, heh.

Throughout this interview, we'll be firing some pretty odd questions your way, we figured you'd be tired of the same old questions and so we'll do our best to keep it fresh.. like this; Its a fight to the death, we've all been there. Which cast member would win?

Well, Sandeep has some super-Indian-mustard-bottle powers he's been saving up. And Felicia can brandish a violin like it's nobody's business. But hey, I study martial arts (Karate and Krav Maga included!), so you know it would be a pretty epic battle!

We're sure you must get a lot of positive feedback, but as we know all too well, the net is also full of morons. How do you deal with negative comments? Do you find heavy criticism a problem?

I don't check Youtube comments often, which I assume is where most of the negativity would be posted. Either way, I don't really mind. It's all part and parcel to the business we're in. Unless it's a pretty well-founded criticism, I usually let it go from one ear out the other.

There are alot of differences between British and American humour, what is it, in your opinion, that bridges that chasm so well?

I think there are a number of core things that allow comedy to be pretty universal. But, of course, comedy being what it is, it's pretty hard to define. Once you have to explain a joke, it's dead. I just think people enjoy, in part, what they can relate to. And our subject matter includes situations that a lot of people (mostly gamers, yeah) can sorta put themselves into. But is that what does it? Hell, I don't know. Hah.

Last Summer, we wrote a guide to being metrosexual. Clearly,we understand the importance of looking "freaky, sexy good" at all times. Who spends the longest sorting their appearance before getting down to work?

Well, it's probably one of the girls. That's just sort of the way it usually goes. But out of the guys, it MIGHT just be me... I know, wouldn't have guessed that, huh? I mean, I don't spend too much time doing my hair or anything. But when it's this length, it takes a little maintenance.

We have discovered that no story involving 14 beers and take-out food has a happy ending. Do you guys ever partake in wild parties and nights around town after shooting?

Actually, no. I mean, we go out and have some fun when we're at a convention or something like that, but usually our shooting season is pretty chill.

We once received a bit of coverage during the BBC's coverage of cricket, sparking a huge debate about baked goods, what is the weirdest thing any of you have had to do in promoting the Guild?

I may not have done anything bizarre, but I've come close. I've had marriage proposals over IMDB, rape threats over Myspace, and people stalking me most other places. If one of those things actually happened, it would be some pretty good publicity, right? Right...?

Picture the scene: You book a short break to Europe, just to take sometime for yourselves, but there's a mistake and you end up in the small industrial town of Delmenhorst, famous for linoleum production. What would you do to amuse yourselves?

I would probably go undercover in a linoleum factory, get close to the foreman, work my way up the command chain, and eventually find myself working directly beneath the very top dog himself, from there I will uncover a vast corruption and fraud scheme, save Europe, and be home in time for the next episode of The Guild to air! Or maybe just call a cab or something.

Speaking of Europe, we'd love to hear your opinions if you've ever been our way? The Welsh once saved Ravi's life.

Unfortunately I've never been. Though it's definitely on the top of my list of places to go.

You may not be aware, but you are our first guests to escape the dreaded Dangerwank question. Its on google, but we'd hate to be the source of any accidents, no-one needs another Micheal Hutchence, but less about us, who do you all take most inspiration from?

For me, it's mostly from the other cast members, and the crew, too. We have a rather talented and hilarious pool of people working on this show, and it never fails to give me some inspiration or spark some ideas of my own.

Ravi, Adam and I recently started a short lived Austro-German Lounge-jazz-funk-fusion ensemble, replete with spangly jackets, keytars, handlebar moustaches and mullets. How much would you each charge, were we to approach you about appearing in a music video? We could offer all the currywurst you can eat.

Unless the shoot spanned a number of days, or was out of the country, I'd probably do it for free. Otherwise, I'm not sure, I'd probably just ask if you could cover my food/board. Heh.

We hear you're pretty handy with a deck of cards. We have a set of Tarot Cards that Ravi once used to predict soccer results. He was shit and his results were useless. Instead of us getting rid of them, how quickly could we pick up some slick deck-shuffling moves to impress ladies?

Some of the more basic moves you could have pretty well down in just a week or two, those being one-handed cuts such as the Charlier, Thumb cut, and Knuckle cut. Even a basic two-handed fan doesn't take too long to get down pretty well. You can usually find tutorials on YouTube, but the great majority of those are crap. Maybe I'll have to do up some tutorials of my own?

Frankly, your role in The Guild was perfect casting. Are you stoked to be playing Bladezz?

Definitely! I love the character. And, funny fact, I really wasn't what Felicia had pictured for the role. But when I came in to audition, it just sorta worked, so I got it. But he's a blast to play.

Are you a big gamer away from the show?

Used to be, but not anymore. I played WoW, big Starcraft/Diablo fan, lots of console, too. But more recently I've just become busy with other things, and I really don't get any satisfaction out of playing video games. I guess I'm just one of those "high on life!" types.

A girl I know has been having a lot of fantasies about you, can we give her your number? Do you get a lot of fan mail from equally obsessed young women?

While it's quite flattering, I'm afraid I cannot give my number out. Say hi to her for me, though. I get quite a lot of fan mail, largely over networking sites like Facebook or Myspace. Marriage offers, rape threats, stalkers, you name it, I've gotten it.

Whats next for you? Any big plans?

Not much going on as of yet, but keep your eyes peeled! That's sort of a gross expression.

Every year we make our Celebrity death predictions for the year, who is your money on to kick the bucket in the next 12 months?

Hmm, good question. One could say someone like Larry King, but I think he's one of those kinds of guys who will still be alive when my grandchildren have children. Who knows what the future may hold? I just hope it isn't like an idol of mine or anything, that's always a little fear in the back of your mind.

Which cast member do you get along best with? or is it generally a one-big-happy-family scenario?

It's pretty much a big happy family, cast and crew all inclusive. But since shooting schedules differ, I usually end up hanging out most with Sandeep and Jeff. God, I just do not stop laughing when I'm with those guys.

Well, we hope you have all enjoyed speaking with us, we have tried to break from the norm and keep it fun, it has been a total pleasure for us. Any last messages to our readers? You're probably super busy, but, what are the chances of a video message for us?

A video message sounds great! I've got a webcam (just bought a new iMac), so maybe I'll shoot a little somethin' and put it on YouTube.

Thanks so much for your time, we hope to be speaking with you again sometime in the future, and wish you all the best with the show

My pleasure! I really appreciate the opportunity to do the interview, I can't wait to see everyone else's answers!


What a nice chap eh? Vince, if you read this you're welcome by anytime for currywurst and beer. We'll even read your tarot.

Catch us tomorrow, we still have more interviews to fire your way.