Hardcore Tour Update - Stockholm

So, I thought it was about time to fill you guys in on what we have planned for this trip of truly epic proportions. Already there has been talk of making it an annual event, but it turns out all is not as simple as we had hoped.

First off, aside from the usual rules on our filming such as; Don't fucking do it near airport security, I've today been informed that any filming in Ostermalm [the really trendy bit] is "inadvisable"

Yesterday, Sheepy was giving me a run down of the first book he has purchased since he gained his newly acquired skill, namely reading. It's called "Watching the English" and is basically full of the little customs and weird behaviours that make our culture insanely alien to outsiders. Let me tell you now, we have fuck all on the Swedish.

Paul Maher has just come back from thatarea after a factfinding mission for his relaunch of Deadlite Snowboards, he managed to dig up this information before he left;

"How you get to a club doesn't always matter, as they're often located in a district where there are clubs everywhere and people just walk between them throughout the night. Some clubs however require a certain something upon arrival. For example, pulling up to Spy Bar in a cab filled with 8 people just won't fly. A VIP club like that has a (if arriving by taxi) 2-3 person limit per cab. Pulling up in a limo with 10 people on the other hand is fine."

I was aware we'd be requiring a limo for Spy bar, purely because we don't look trendy enough to get in, it never occured that we may encounter highly inflated prices because every bastard in Stockholm requires a truly massive ride to get passed the doormen, my worry increased with this little piece of advice;

"One thing to always remember is that the doormen at clubs seriously mean business in this town, and they have no self perspective whatsoever. This is where the humor part comes in. Always let them have their power-trip and laugh about it with your friends over drinks inside. Getting into clubs in Stockholm has pretty much become as tough as getting through New York airport security. So don't be drunk, and if the doorman tells you you're an idiot then just agree. He's just looking for an excuse to keep you out from all the fun"

Charming, just like home in that respect then, only the confusion continues;

"Also remember that a mean doorman doesn't necessarily mean a fabulous party inside, which is what many people seem to think. It all comes down to what your goal for the evening is. In general, the meaner the doorman, the more scantly dressed women and men inside, and a relaxed doorman often means a relaxed atmosphere inside.
Another thing to avoid when it comes to doormen is name-dropping. Telling him you know Bono or the President won't get you inside any faster. Honestly, the likeliness of him even knowing who either of them are , are slim to none."

So, if we don't get killed to death by doormen or mocked so badly for our transport arrangements we vow never to set foot outside again, at least we can enjoy Stockholms famously sexy women, right? .. right?

"The fact is that if you look hot but your friends do not you're not getting in at the upscale clubs if you're not Paris Hilton. "

sounds good from a male point of view doesn't it, but...

"The rules of flirtation are pretty universal but the men and women in Stockholm are often beautiful and picky, so it's not always an easy venture (contrary to popular opinion and urban legends). Start by scoping out the potential victim and see if the eye contact seems to be of the appreciative or the "leave me alone" variety before heading over for a chat. If appreciation is sensed then step two is in order. Step two consists of starting up some easy conversation, and NOT over-the-top compliments. The person already knows you're attracted to them, so save the massive compliments for when you've at least spent a few moments together.

After that you're on your own. Either you've got it in the bag or you'll be left with your drink alone on the dance floor. Keep in mind that buying somebody a drink in Stockholm doesn't mean a thing to most people. Some people will politely decline so as not to give the wrong impression, but most will take the drink, say thanks and then hook back up with their friends in 2 seconds flat if they're not interested."

Confused? We'd better get you a drink...but wait, theres fucking rules for this too, so don't go charging in there, this isn't the Boar's Head in Norwich y'know;

"When you've finally made it through the hassle of actually getting into the club the next obstacle appears, namely ordering drinks. Basically waving money or yelling at the bartender will be ignored by said bartender until you stop. Just standing around, looking politely at the closest bartender will get you the best service. If you've got the confidence, a little flirting can get you a long way also.
Tipping isn't a necessity but it might get you a couple shots at a cheaper price later in the evening. Another thing to keep in mind is that coins in general are frowned upon, so keep the bills at hand. If you do receive a couple coins as change when buying a drink then just leave them at the bar. Scrambling for pennies is considered pretty cheap."

So, you've been mocked, robbed, ignored and possibly beaten due to your crappy dress sense, but just when you think you can take the Mr. Sad Bastard approach and slope off home for masturbation and a frosty beer....

"People seldom head straight home after a club closes. A few minutes of mingling outside and gathering up the crew are a given. After that most people head off to their favorite after-hours joint to eat and decide who's going home with whom, who's having the after-party and how to get there. The eating part is also a nice way to round off the evening and actually hear what people have to say, since you couldn't in the loud club."

The guide finishes with this nice little gem;

"Now go out, have fun and be safe, because Stockholm is a great town to party in."

Well, you certainly sold it to us mate. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to hit the parties in one of the most fashionable and trendy cities in the world, its our goal after all to see if this hassle is all worth it, it is just occuring to us however that we may have bitten off a bit much. I honestly feel more comfortable about my imminent trip to Monaco, which is fucking full of celebrities.

So far, it sizes up like this;
-we've spent most of our budget on a stretch Hummer
-we may not be able to get any worthwhile footage
-we can only guarantee entry to THREE nightspots, purely because we've been invited
-we will probably run out of money 2 days in

It would seem my original concern, that we would end up with a lovely video of us all having a jolly nice time but which would be as boring as speed dating in a nunnery, was ill-founded.

I'm sure you'll all get a laugh out of this one, especially because I don't think we will...