Things with a design flaw

Today's post celebrates all those little things in life that annoy us with their stupid flaws, the little details that a monkey would have noticed, but a third year degree student clearly didn't.

1) Plastic cooking utensils

Ok, this is simple, plastic.. melts.. So, what are you going to acheive by poking a plastic spatula into a hot pan?
Delicious.

2) Batman's motorcycle

No mudflaps.. he's just asking to get that cape cuaght in some moving parts.

3) Democracy

Ah, a truly representative society, populated in majority, by morons.

4)Pandas

Teetering on the brink of extinction for some years now,Panda's are stupid, half-blind, hideously uncamoflagued and as keen on sex as Gary Glitter's nephew. a diet of equally rubbish and pointless bamboo, which contains no energy whatsoever also renders them permanantly knackered.

5) Crane flys

Each fly lives for a rather disappointing 24 hours, during which time they make a special effort to mate to rather pointlessly continue their useless species. They don't even eat.

6) Male nipples

As useful as a lettuce crash helmet.

7) Women

You would honestly think that with millions of years of evolution behind us, our women would have outgrown the need to be pointlessly oversensitive and emotional. We don't even have childbirth down yet, every bloody time its just another small person ripping its mother in half and forever spoiling her lovely flat stomach.

8) Sleep

We don't actally need it, one thing evolution has done for us is it has made us so "fuel efficent" we now get our entire energy supply from our food, making sleep redundant, and no-one is truly sure why we still do it because it turns out that whole thing about it reorganising memories? Probably not accurate.

9) Urinals

Purposefully designed to splash your own pee back at you and anyone nearby, cheers.

10) Pensions

You spend your whole life saving for a day that may never come, on the off chance that the greedy morons you give it all too won't loseit trying to make themselves abit of extra pocket money and to top it off what at that age are you going to do with the cash? How will you possibly gain any enjoyment out of it? you won't be living, just existing.. with a gold plated dialysis machine.

11) Men

Designed for a by-gone era, now modern life and technology have no use for such man skills as hitting things really hard with rocks and starting impromptu fires, and we don't really need to track and stab a box of frozen findus crispy pancakes, we're outclassed on most levels by women. I'll finish by digressing into the remnants of what was going to be my big post on sexism by sharing some PROVEN scientifics facts taken froma book put together with the help of the worlds most prestigious institutions, including Harvard and Cambridge.

First off, I want to point out that the study found neither men nor women to be the superior sex, they are just different and desgined by time and evolution to perform different but equally important roles. lets go;

1) Women are *technically* safer drivers
ok, so only in daylight, but women have much wider peripheral vision than men. Men's eyes are designed to seek out one object over s distance usually, and then guage the speed and direction its moving, women's vision is designed to watch for things sneaking up on the cave.. as many road collisions are now side-on, women have the edge.

2) Men can naver find things
This is because testing found that women are capable of remembering very complex patterns of colour, believed to be from the days of foraging and berry gathering and for monitoring the health of a baby. When women open a cupboard or fridge they look for the pattern they remember from the item they are searching for, say the butter, men will scan left to right, top to bottom looking for the word "Butter" and consequently never find it. This also explains why only men suffer colour blindness.

3) Men Never listen and Women can multi-task
A double header here, but ladies will all know that if your Dad or boyfriend is reading he can't hear a damn thing you say where as you can talk on the phone, perform a brain operation and prepare Penne Arabiata. This is because women have far more connections between the two sides of the brain, this makes them very sociable also and offers them great social skills. Women will often hint at things where as men are direct, this again is believed to be from the days when women spent all day together while the men were away, for safety in numbers, to ensure the "herd" stayed together women never directly spoke of a greivance to another woman to prevent splits in the group, which lead to phenomenon of "bitching", another form of bonding. The woman in question gets to voice her distaste of another woman to a third party and the group remains solid. Men on the other hand must be direct, its hard to be polite when you're being mauled by a bear. As for the not listening, like our vision, our brains are geared for concentration on a single task, because at these times the single task the man may be performing would become lethal or very very dangerous if he were to become distracted, distraction is not an evolutionary option.

4) The classic "pain threshold" question
Finally, this is answered, and its one men win! ..sort of. During the majority of the time, women have a greater threshold for pain, whereas when focused on a task a man's ability to absorb pain becomes even larger than a woman's, an injury must not prevent a successful hunt, afterwards however he'll get "man flu" and say he's dying, this is natures way of ensuring blokes get themselves patched up before going off to do anything else stupid.

5) Women are non-confrontational
This is so advantageous in the modern world, conflict is so last 1000 years.
Again, its all down to brain wiring, and this is also the source of the biggest conflicts between men and women. First off, you must understand two things, when a woman has a problem, she talks. Her brain is geared for analysis, and by speaking on the subject of whatever is on her mind she also gets to have a firmer understanding of it in her mind and feels many times she can feel better just vby talking and maybe having a little cry. Men don't talk, the male brain is designed for dealing in terms of "what am/is I/he/she/it going to do next?" not a woman's "what is going on now?, what is relevant at this point?", its solution engine. No-one ever successfully outwitted a sabretooth tiger by talking about how annoying it is that it won't sit still long enough to let you shoot it, you beat it by next guessing it, by SOLVING the problem, not by ANALYSING it. So women talk, and men sit in silence, often looking into a fire or mindlessly channel hopping, and will continue to do so until they have a solution to their problem.. I even do it, but you don't notice until someone says. This however, is where all the conflict begins, your girlfriend comes home and goes on about how that bitch at work has been saying this and that about her and has bought those shoes that your girlfriend had her eye on, as a man you immeadiatly think "Why would she be telling me this, unless she wants a solution?"

SO, the bloke offers a solution to the problem, which infuriates the woman, who just wants to know you're listening, and just wants to talk it out, and you get angry because you think moaning about it is fucking stupid unless you intend to correct it.

So to summarise, its Women FTW! we've had our time sadly lads.. so.. pub anyone?

[For more information on this study, and to learn how to prevent arguments with your other half, check out "Why men never listen and women can't read maps" its on amazon or something, and its fucking awesome.]