Out of work actress Sarah Jessica Parker offers bareback anal for a packet of Jammie Dodgers
Despite the apparant success of the Sex and The City movie, old SJP finds herself struggling to find a new gig, pretty much unheard of in recent weeks apart from the odd mention of her troubled relationship, The Hardcore Effect tracked the actress to a Travelodge in North Wales. So desperate her current situation, the painfully thin actress begged our writer Ravi, for his
solitary hand made Scotch Egg, this clearly wasn't going to happen but Parker's desperation only grew until, with a wild look in her eyes, she began offering unprotected anal intercourse in exchange for a lone packet of "Jammie Dodgers"all our team carry in case of emergency.Parker's agent claimed in a later statement that these events never occured, although went on to describe the offer as "a good deal".
Bored BeeGee taunts orphans
It would seem Barry Gibb, the former BeeGee, is finding the relaxing pace of retirement a litlle dull.Our team responded to a phone call from a resident in the Slough area, who informed us of a low flying helicopter that seemed to be "bombing" a piece of local land with blunt objects. Upon arrival at the scene we traced the helicopter to the grounds of
the Stella Artois Home for Spousal Abuse Orphans, where Gibb, cackling maniacally had set up an industrial food blender between the roundabout and the swing set and was callously dropping what appeared to be kittens and fluffy gerbils from his helicopter into the blades below. One orphan was injured when Gibb dropped his bottle of Bristol Cream and the bottle shattered yards from the child.
the Stella Artois Home for Spousal Abuse Orphans, where Gibb, cackling maniacally had set up an industrial food blender between the roundabout and the swing set and was callously dropping what appeared to be kittens and fluffy gerbils from his helicopter into the blades below. One orphan was injured when Gibb dropped his bottle of Bristol Cream and the bottle shattered yards from the child.What follows is a transcript of our reporter's conversation over the sound of the rotor blades;
Ravi: Oi! Gibb! What the hell are you doing?!
Barry: What does it look like? I'm fucking murdering animals in front of kids, alright?
Ravi: Why?
Barry: Why not?
Ravi: You make an interesting point.
Barry: I know I do, I'm Barry Mother-fucking Gibb! .. give me my bottle back!
At this point, Gibb broke into song, namely an impromptu medley of "Straight outta Compton" and "Fuck The Police" before fleeing in his chopper.
His agent later apologised, claiming Gibb would compensate the orphans by offering them work "In my coal mine, or cleaning the fucking chimney.. or something"
Robin Gibb was unavailable for comment.
Racist Edmonds property deal falls through
Despite the recent sale of his mansion in the town of Crinkly Bottom, Noel Edmonds' attempt to buy a cotton plantation in north Africa fell through last night after the presenter reportedly asked the current owners where "his" black people were. More on this as we get itAnd finally;
Unconfirmed reports are coming in that Dale Winton had opened fire with what is described by witnesses as a "Heavy Machine Gun" outside a Hackney branch of Lidl, after the budget German food store refused to stock his favourite kind of jam. Witnesses at the scene have told police the star was further provoked by an unexpected "bottom patting" from David Hasselhoff.
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