The Whit Monday "Brap" Story

To make up for the general lethargy I've exhibited this past few days, I'm back on the case and gunning to make it up.

By the way, I will be interspersing this piece with photos of people I will have shot when I come to power. As it is these people that not only represent everything thats gone wrong in this country, but also one of their kind was the aggressor in this story. They are also the people I mentioned in my early drugs issue post, ala this dickhead >

Firstly, As we all know, my Whit Monday was eventful to say the least, I had a slow start but certainly made up for it thanks to D.O. , Mike v2.0, Sarah and Adam.

Adam, especially had a great story to tell me when I arrived on the battlefield mid-afternoon. Given that this day in particular, is the only day in the year where drinking is allowed on the streets of the town, and one of the few where the pubs never close, you can certainly imagine the sordid display that occurs as everybody for ten miles shows up in a town roughly the size of a '98 Renault Clio.

The pubs open their doors around 11am, and being in Britain, they are almost instantaneously full. By 11.30, everyone is plastered. I'm not sure why this occurs. We've always been a warlike race of people so I imagine that on a day of all day drinking, it only truly makes sense to get battered in the first half hour if you are looking for a particuarly large fight. This is generally what happens.

And so it was, that at 1.00 pm, a mere two hours after the pubs opened, Adam witnessed a fight at a cash machine across the street. As you may imagine it starts with one very drunk man standing behind another, before deciding the guy in front is a prick. He just is.

Cue the pointless swearing and stupid non-sensical insults that have become a staple of British culture; "You fucking prick", "I'll fuck your Mum", "Look at you, with your gay hair" and "I'll slap you with a razor" are just a few choice examples Adam and I have heard on our travels.

You see if you're not British you may not know this, but we're all hard, even if we're not. It's a state of mind I've witnessed nowhere else in the world. Too much ego-fuelled black rap music has encouraged two whole generations to believe that they are an amalgamation of every tough film character ever they've ever seen and as a result, they can do whatever the fuck they like because no-one is tough enough to stop them. The chap to the right, clearly has this delusion.

Anyway, I digress, the name calling didn't last long, because a full scale brawl broke out before the aggressor, who was a total dickhead, got dragged off his victim, who I imagine was a bit of a dickhead also. As the angry man's friends dragged him off down the street before the riot van arrived and a large man with a single rubber glove turned up, he decided his caveman style chest beating display wasn't over yet.

Let's stop here for a moment, to reflect, if the following image is not the most ridculous thing you've ever seen in your life, I would be very, very surprised.

Back to the story;

He turns round, and across the length of the street, decides that the best way to mend his broken pride and display his power and dominance to his victim, was to shout at the top of his lungs [with a perfectly straight face]; "BRAP!" and pull two gun signs with his hands, which is the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard.

Brap is one of a few words I know that should come with a colour chart; "You must be THIS black to say this word". It is a word from a world and culture that a 30-something, middle-class, drunk, white man could never begin to comprehend.

When I'm Prime Minister of the World & The Moon, this whole thing is an issue I'll deal with very strongly. Tasers and guns for the police?.. sounds good to me.

The Usual Saturday Stuff

No bizarre adult video of the week this week, because I had a corker lined up and it's been taken down, so I'm not doing it out of protest.

This week's schedule has been completely ignored due to unforseen circumstances so you still have all that stuff to look forward to. We'll also be spoiling you with a concept image for my zeppelin.

-Worst Album Ever Update-
I've received a few nominations on this one, but please, stop being lazy and just get a google account, the way the world is going, we'll all need one soon. By getting a google account you can comment here instead of passing all your comments and suggestions to my personal e-mail, should you know it or facebook.

-Celebrity Death Watch-
No-one on our predictions for '08 has had the courtesy to kick the bucket thus far. Any help with this would be appreciated.

-New Feature-
Ravi will be treating you to a new feature this week, he is currently busying himself with research and presentation as I write. It's been aquiet week in general, as I hold the fort, but its going to be worth it.

-Prize Giveaways-
Look out this week for a competition to win some goodies kindly donated by some lovely new sponsors.

Lovin' you like a 2 dollar hooker,
Benji

Saturday Special: Walking the fine line between insanity and genius: inside the mind of Benji Hardcore

Psychometric testing results for my good self, I got these last year and shared them on facebook for a bit, and I thought I'd share them again. lovely.

Trait Analysis;


Permanent Traits

These are traits common throughout Mr Williamson's profile, suggesting that they are often seen in his behaviour, and are also likely to influence his attitudes. Mr Williamson's profile indicates the following permanent traits:
Self-Confidence
Friendliness
Enthusiasm
Social Orientation
Assertiveness
Persistence


Transient Traits

These are traits that Mr Williamson seems to feel are appropriate to his current working conditions, and so is emphasising in his behaviour. Transient traits, as their name suggests, tend to represent short-term adaptations. Mr Williamson's profile indicates the following transient traits:
Independence
Self-Motivation


Potential Traits

These are traits that are native to Mr Williamson's personal style, but that he does not seem to feel are appropriate to his current working conditions. These traits are likely to appear from time to time, for example under pressurised conditions. Mr Williamson's profile indicates the following potential traits:
Patience
Cooperativeness
Technical Potential


Inactive Traits

These are traits that are not normally seen in any aspect of Mr Williamson's behaviour. Though these types of behaviour are not completely absent from Mr Williamson's style, it will be relatively unusual to see him follow these patterns of behaviour. Mr Williamson's profile indicates the following inactive traits:
Sensitivity
Objectivity
Thoughtfulness
Accuracy
Efficiency

Overview
Mr Williamson's profile describes a confident and outgoing individual who enjoys the company of other people. He has a persuasive, open approach to others, and can be expected to develop interpersonal relationships relatively easily. His levels of self-confidence mean that he rarely doubts his abilities in a social situation, although he may find it a little harder to deal with practical or impersonal circumstances.

Mr Williamson's communicative and open style means that he tends to be quite trusting of others, or at least confide information more readily than many other types. Because of his social orientation, he looks for acceptance from others, and works at his best where he receives positive feedback from his colleagues.
Behavioural Adaptation
The emphasis of Mr Williamson's behavioural adaptation is very definitely associated with the social side of his work. It is clear that his current circumstances require reserves of personal confidence and extroversion beyond what is normally natural to him. Shifts of this kind often indicate that a candidate is spending more time presenting a cheerful, outgoing style than perhaps he feels entirely comfortable with.

Advantages
Mr Williamson's confidence and self-assured nature make him a good communicator, and successful in dealing with other people in most situations. He is naturally open and expressive (though not to the detriment of others' viewpoints) but his real strength in a business sense is his persuasiveness. He has an ability to make others feel at their ease, and can adapt himself successfully to the needs of most social situations.

Disadvantages
Mr Williamson's self-confidence means that he is ready to take a risk when a suitable opportunity presents itself, but he is not a naturally analytical individual, and his assessment of risks may at times be based on an instinctive judgement, rather than a detailed investigation. This element of his behaviour extends into his communication style, and his confident openness means that he tends not to employ tact or diplomacy in communication with others.

Communication Style
Communication is probably the most important aspect of Mr Williamson's style, as his outgoing and sociable style indicates. He is extrovert and relatively enthusiastic, and able to adapt to most social situations. His self-confidence lends him considerable powers of persuasion, and his openness to others' viewpoints makes them feel relaxed in his presence.

His communicative style is important to his motivation and self-esteem. He will want to feel that he is on good terms with others and avoid confrontational situations. This can be expected to give him a generally optimistic and trusting outlook.

Decision Making
Mr Williamson's focus lies in the realms of social contact. For him, therefore, a key aspect of decision making is the question of a decision's popularity or otherwise. This is by no means to say that he ignores more pragmatic considerations, but he will rarely make a decision that will cause unhappiness and hardship for other people, especially his own acquaintances or colleagues.

Organisation and Planning
Personable and open, Mr Williamson's responses will tend to be immediate and unpremeditated. His enthusiasm and exuberance mean that he seldom spends time compiling detailed plans, nor does he feel bound by them. Order, organisation and formal discipline could not be considered to be high priorities for Mr Williamson.

Motivation
The lack of definition in Mr Williamson's underlying style makes it extremely difficult to describe his motivating factors. This fact in itself, however, is a strong indication that he is not well motivated at present (assuming, that is, that the compressed profile shape derives from his behavioural style).

Managing Style
As a manager, under the right conditions, Mr Williamson can be an effective representative of his team. His friendly and enthusiastic demeanour makes him a more than competent communicator, and he is usually found to be popular among the members of the group he leads. His preference for maintaining a positive and informal atmosphere, however, may server to undermine his authority somewhat. His approach to management will generally be more suited to working in open and favourable environments.

Style of Management Required
The element of Mr Williamson's profile that relates to his working style is generally undefined, an effect that is usually found to be rooted in an uncertainty of his position. The priority for his manager will be to investigate the possible sources of this uncertainty with him, and attempt to clarify the structure of his role as far as possible.

Welcome, Mr. v1.0

We have another blogger joining our happy family today.

My colleague, associate and close personal friend, Mike v1.0.

A man so evil he would infact be a regular on Pol Pot's Christmas card list, his car is well known to myself for actually producing a disruptive "wave of evil" in the air ahead of it, which can be felt sometime before he actually passes.

He hates everyone and everything including the other bloggers, me and especially you. However, that said he is obviously, like all of us here, a genius.

but to sum it up.. angry and evil ;



Mike is also the photographic genius behind Munkus.net and almost every photo of myself in existence. I'm sure you all look forward to reading his thesis on the the toaster/kettle hybrid as much as I do.

[photo courtesy of munkus.net, as always]

and Finally..

Again, no thought of the day is needed, when this picture does all the talking;

Let me be brief.. you are an idiot.

Today's update will be a short one, partly because I'm swamped with my uni assessment and partly because if I continue to post at my current rate I'll run out of ideas.

It will also, for once, be a quite serious post.

Thinking up subjects actually takes more time and effort than you may appreciate, this blog is something I'm quite proud of. I enjoy making it and I feel it says things that need to be said, without restriction and without distraction. I do not give people who threaten or insult me because of my views the joy of seeing me disclose the details of their statements to you, however, in response to a recent request that I apologise for insulting Islam, my answer is a flat out, never.

If I retract one statement, I'd have to retract them all. I'm [not] sorry, but your beliefs are equally stupid as anyone elses and I can't openly, nor privately, cave to someone who believes its Ok to behead women, mutilate non-believers and generally make the world a shitty place to live.

Again, before I continue, I'm not placing all followers of Islam in the same boat, many realise its teaching are more guidelines than rules and need to be taken into context, and by that I mean a context relevant to today, not thousands of years ago when, as a species, we knew no better. Frankly, I'm not surprised people like you are so miserable. I voted Labour, the Conservatives won our local seat. This isn't what I wanted but I stopped short of blowing up the town and slaughtering working class idiots who should know that Conservatives do only one thing well, and thats take money off poor people to keep the rich, well, rich.

A free vote doesn't go your way? Time to reach for the AK. What really angers me is that you are not just holding yourselves back, but the whole of humanity and Christian fundamentalists are equally guilty, and I shall continue to mock and insult you and your absurd beliefs until reason prevails. Every other Muslim and Christian can manage it, how can you interpret it all so wrongly?

Thought for the.. wait.. no..

Today, as a mark of respect, I won't be doing a thought for the day. I want you all to sit and muse on the plight of the much ignored wingman. Maybe you're a guy who takes his wingman for granted, or maybe your a lady who is jealous of the attention her friend gets and loves to perform the dreaded cock-block. Either way, we can't forget about the brave guys who week after week volunteer to take one for the team. I know I've done it, and if your a guy, I'm sure you've been a wingman too. Let us then, pay our respects



And for the benefit of our lady readers;
WINGMAN JARGON...

Air superiority - when the flight team has established a comfortable conversation with the BT and CB.

BT - bombing target; the hot chick.

Banzai shot - much as kamikaze pilots were given a ceremonial shot of sake before being sealed in their cockpits, the flight leader should buy his wingman a shot prior to a mission.

Betty - an alliteration of Bombing Target.

Bogie - a friend of the BT that has not yet been identified as a CB.

CB - cock blocker; the hot girl’s troublesome friend and sworn enemy of the wingman. Also called a bandit.

Dogfight - dancing with a CB.

FL - Flight leader; also called the bombardier.

Flak - snide remarks made by a CB in an attempt to drive the flight team from the skies.

Flying blind - when the wingman indulges in so much in-flight refueling he jeopardizes the mission.

Getting pinged - initial eye contact with a BT.

In-flight refueling - when a wingman orders a flurry of shots to help him complete his mission.

Kamikaze mission - when the wingman is likely to end up in the clutches of the CB.

Landing gear - a wingman’s self-respect; if a FL asks his wingman to “leave his landing gear behind,” he’s preparing the wingman for a flak storm or kamikaze mission.

POW - Prisoner of a Warthog; to go home with a CB, the supreme sacrifice of a wingman.

Pig Alley - a play off of the Korean War’s infamous MIG Alley, this describes a BT swarming with CBs.

Shite leader - a would-be flight leader without the skills to complete the mission.

Shoot and scoot - an attempt to engage with more than one CB at a time.

Tailgunning - when the wingman disgracefully abandons his air cover duties and attempts his own bombing run on the BT.

Yank and bank - an attempt by the FL to maneuver the BT away from the wingman and CB for some one-on-one time.

Addiction

Addiction is a terrible thing. It can lead a perfectly sane person to do some truly awful things. Apparantly sex is now an addiction these days, but this is generally seen as a grey area, a lot like spanking.. because you are "Technically" hitting a woman.

Some addictions are fairly mild, or even funny little quirks. I personally am addicted to Chocolate Crunchy Nut Clusters, this I have found to be an expensive addiction because you only get 3 Benji sized bowlfuls for your £2.89. I'd buy a bigger box if they sold them, but then a box that size would cost a billion pounds and I would either have to go on the game or enter a career of petty crime to fund my addiction.

Then there is Mrs. Hardcore's Tea and coffee addiction, well I call it a fetish. We have an entire cupboard in our kitchen dedicated like some caffiene shrine. Expensive and weird teas from around the globe just breeding in the cupboard.. never gets drunk, no no, this is ornamental tea, it is to be enjoyed with the eye. Alot like our £150 wine collection, I fucking hate wine, so why do we have it?

Which brings me onto another addiction of hers quite nicely. Her need to amass an endless pile of clothes and shoes. You couldn't imagine the nightmare of moving into our apartment, you truly couldn't. There are whole outfits in there I've never even seen before, because she buys them to have them and never uses them. I was beginning to suspect she had infact been running a sweatshop in the loft.

Joe on the other hand, is a totally different animal. We share some addictions, such as our quest for the Manliest potato based crisp snack, and for the perfect chips, cheese and gravy combination. Whatever you do though, do not deprive him of him biscuits, it won't end well as this artist's rendering shows;

Thought of the day 28/05/08

Today's thought of the day is especially profound;

If you had sex with a clone of yourself, would it be incest or masturbation?

Answers below please.

And one for the road;

Mid-week Round up

Well, I'm not sure if or when our new bloggers will be joining us so more on them later, for now, A question.

There are a lot of people and groups out there who keep telling us that "such an album" is the best album in the world ever. However, no-one is so sure about what is the worst. So, today we ask; What is the worst album in the world ever?

The Winner, will be picked by poll, by our readers and a crappy award will be sent to the winning artist or label.. seriously. Photos will be available too.

Early Nominations include;

DJ Otzi - Never Stop The Alpenpop!
Kunt & The Gang - I have a little wank, and I have a little Cry
Me First & The Gimme Gimmes - Johnnie's Bahmitzfah

Add your suggestions below by leaving a comment, cheers

Finally, incase you haven't seen my latest advert I've reprinted it below, please don't hesitate to get in touch if you can help;

How to look good emaciated on an operating table.

For those of you who want to know, I feel much better today, after showing into work looking like a tramp with early onset Parkinson's Disease and smelling like a Brewery laundry basket.

Today, what really gets my goat is.. Fashion.

Well Fashion, vanity and the systematic abuse of people's insecurities. Mrs. Hardcore has become a bit partial to enjoying "How to Look Good Naked" presented by a Mr. Gok Wan. Frankly, this show is acceptable to me, from what little I see its all about making people feel better about themselves with just a few small changes. However, Mr. Wan is currently on holiday or something and last night I had to endure "10 years younger" - a "style" show in the very loosest sense of the word. This show made me sick to the very pit of my stomach.

Described by its frankly horrific host as "Not afraid to go under the knife!". Lovely.

The problem with this is that even if you take aside the fact that 99.9% of the target audience are insecure enough to attempt to emulate the massive amount of unnessacery surgery shown in the show despite being unable to afford it, advising people, en masse, in a very general sense to have massively intrusive surgery in order to conform with what they describe as beauty at that particular moment is grossly irresponsible.

I dislike bouncers, I don't use this blog however, to encourage you to go out and scalp one of the bastards.

Basically, we start with a woman who is deemed to have "let herself go a bit" by a group of snobs, bitchy friends and rich "fashionistas". I'll concede at this point that the lady in last nights show was dog rough, but this is beside the point. The unfortuante lady is then humiliated and insulted on national TV until she concedes that she is so hideous, surgery is the only way she can be let out of the house again without a bag on her head.

In my opinion, the only area she needed ANY surgery of any description, was her pearly whites. A new set of teeth, at a push, would have made a marked improvement.

After 10 weeks of expensive and unnessacery surgery, she is then encouraged to spend far more than she can afford on truly expensive clothing then a fat man with unlikely eyebrows insulted her some more and cut her hair a bit. Then she is revealed, looking truly amazing in many opinions.

Let me put it to you like this. I, like most men, like real women. We're talking natural, girl-next-door, bump into on the street normal types. I can't stand glamour models and airbrushed pictures just don't do it for me. Perfect is unattainable for most and is therefore unattractive.

I'm flawed, and I'm happy. I was once offered surgery on my ears in high school because they stick out at a bizarre angle, I refused. Now, I can almost hear you now [with my massive fucking ears] saying; "well, she did look good afterward" and "It's about feeling good about yourself" and I see your point, but you're wrong.

Yes, it worked ok for her, but it was painful and far out of her price range had the show not paid. It isn't the solution for everyone and showing it off as this cure-all is pretty fucking awful. Looking good is great for you're self-esteem, and thats fantastic, we all know I'm a big believer in self-esteem.

I feel sorry for people who can't learn to love themselves, but many of these people worry needlessly and are perfectly normal, even very good looking in some cases and these people, their shows and magazines ruin self-image worldwide. It has to stop, because they are getting rich off making you feel bad. How can a pair of shoes look great one week and crap the next? it makes no sense.

Looking back over this (I often re-read my blogs 5 or 6 times before posting), it has not come out how I had hoped, but the issue makes me so angry I can't seem to organise my thoughts without digressing off in different tangents every four or five words. I do truly hope my message gets through though.

Why suffer like that when that lovely Mr. Wan can make you look just as good and feel great and cry a bit, for far less cash and stress? Any opinions that conflict with mine on this issue will be duly ignored and the person in question will be kicked to death.

That is all.

Whit Monday - Update

I thought you may enjoy these pictures, captured by Sarah, of me and Adam on Whit monday, explains alot really.

We're not gay.. honest.

Toaster/Kettle Hybrid

In response to my earlier analogy about a kettle/toaster hybrid, Mike v.1.0 has been in touch and feels this is something that would benefit mankind and I agree, strongly. You cannot underestimate the importance of kitchen space. So with that in mind, I'd like to extend an offer to join the rest of us in setting the world to rights and indeed finalising the plan and design of such a hybrid using our combined genius. Ready? Go!

And once more.. The Hardcore Masterclass

I may or may not have brought up my winning of the "Mr. Anonymous" award in a small snowboard magazine last night, which until last night had remained anonymous, however I know this conversation ended withy me promising to teach a small group to snowboard. This is still an open offer, so if your interested, drop me a line and we can set a date.

The hardcore masterclass will be at Castleford Snowdome, Cheers

Thought for the day 27/05/08

Today's thought of the day is very pertinent to my current situation. The thought is this, Writing this blog with my usual charisma, wit and intelligence is tough, and so I think its better I don't write too much today, and instead come back when I feel better tomorrow. Today's posts, if completed in full would be poor, verging infact on being upsetting.

-More new bloggers-

The team has now been completed with the addition of my two good mates Adam and Mike v.2.0.

More on them tomorrow.

And Finally... enjoy this artist's rendering of me.. as a cat.

"BRAP!" : Stories from Whit Monday, and situations arising from such.

When my Collected works of genius are finally put together and released, probably after I'm dead. Schoolkids and scholars will judge me on how I've been quoted. Hollywood writers know that a film will suceed or fail, depending on those one or two lines all cinema-goers can come out quoting.

So far, this doesn't bode well for me. I don't really say many profound things, and when I do its often interspersed with swear words and said in such a fashion that it hardly rolls off the tongue.

Yesterday, in my drunken stupor I managed to say something worthy of being added to my short and frankly God awful quotes, which include;

"It's ok mate, I'll take the fat one" - genius

For you see, yesterday, I declared myself "Prime Minister of the Moon".

However, this isn't what this post is getting at really, think of it as more of a side story than a main plot. Many events happend yesterday, chief among which was my drinking of aload of cider through a funnel/hose pipe type arrangement while surrounded by a cheering crowd of strangers. This triggered a chain of events thatlead up to me sleeping, for quite some time, in a park. The rest is hazy. So the point of this is, that if you know where I was and what I was doing between 2 and 12pm yesterday, drop me a line and together, maybe we can finish this post.

To Be continued...

..and finally / Thought Of the Day 25/05/08

Libellous News that we just make up starts next Sunday, so I thought I'd leave you with another thought of the day to make up for it;

If we're supposed to brush our teeth twice a day, why bother formulating a 24hr protection toothpaste?

..and last, but certainly never least;

Easy, like Sunday afternoon

Happy Sunday. Today has been just a typical Sunday for just about all of us. If you're a Christian you've probably spent the morning in a bizarre looking building, listening to a man in a dress tell you that despite your best efforts you're going to hell to suffer when you eventually pass away, then you'll perhaps drone out some songs about how you believe the 2000 year-old son of dead carpenter is going to solve all your problems and finish the afternoon off by sitting down for a nice meal with members of your family.. even if you hate them. However, despite all this almost nobody thinks you're a barmy, window-licking asylum escapee.. well except me of course.

If you're a decent Muslim, you've probably been praying alot, and if you're one of that "other" sort of Muslim I'm not legally allowed to go on about for too long, you've had a fun packed day playing "How much semtex can you fit in a rucksack?" and kissing your kids goodbye. This is because you believe some bloke in a cave a long time ago was seeing some funky things and was being spoken to by God. Although I must point out that both schizophrenia and hard drugs can also cause God to speak to you, but.. err.. never mind, knock yourselves out.

If you are Hindu, You've spent the day making food for strangers and Jews have spent the day hoarding gold and giving out sound financial advice.

However, if like me, you are a Taoist. You've spent the day drinking beer and enjoying life. I've had a few questions so I'm going to do my best to stop short of indoctrinating you all and explain a little.

If you google Taoism, you get a lot of conflicting stories and some bullshit about being disciples of nature. Taoism is what you make of it and this it as I understand it. Firstly, you leave explaining things to science, which is as it should be. Second there is no God, no threat of reward/punishment after you die, nor is there threat of punishment at all, nor is there any solid ground rules for anything. It is more a philosophy than a religion per se.

Taoists invented that symbol idolised by hippy weed smokers everywhere, the Yin-Yang.
The basic and central belief is that Good defines evil and vice-versa. Nothing is ever 100% either way, good things will happen to bad people, bad things will happen to good people and somehow the world all balances out.
It is stated that people will sin, no-one is 100% good or bad. Killed someone? It was his day to die. Stabbed in the neck?, sorry, it was your day to die. Its not about not intervening when you see injustice, its about knowing yourself, and trusting your gut instincts to make the right choice.

Whether you lie or tell the truth is naturally based on millions of calculations performed without your knowledge by your sub-concious, this gives you a gut feeling, and its more complex than we could ever understand really.

Taoists believe that society can punish criminals, as a way of balancing things out a bit, so no fear of living in a world riddled with crime. Taoism encourages equality with all people and both genders. It recongises that Men and Women evolved into different roles and we can choose to break or maintain these roles, but each is as important as the other and neither can survive without the other. You wouldn't expect your kettle to toast you a sandwich right?, but you could write to the manufacturer demanding they make a toaster/kettle hybrid. They would though, contact your local authority and have you committed.

Well, at the risk of sounding like Hare Krishna monk in a train station, if you take nothing away from this other than the following points, I'll be pleased;

The brightest light, casts the darkest shadow. Remember that with out bad things we wouldn't appreciate the good things. You will do bad things in your life, but it doesn't make you a bad person.

So, for once I'm finishing positively, and I hope you all, of all faiths, unless you're a personal injury lawyer, have a great Sunday, and awesome Bank Holiday.

and Finally..

Well, nearly the end of week one now, I'd like to thank any and all readers we've had.
I'd also like to encourage you all to participate a bit fucking more!

We hope you like the new look and our new death prediction game, which of us will come out on top [of a celebrity's grave]? That's correct people, each blogger will produce a list of 5 people they reckon will snuff it before the years out, for each one who kicks the bucket earns that blogger.. well.. beer or something. With the series winner taking a special prize to be announced soon. ooohhhh.

Just for future reference this is how we roll at The Hardcore Effect

General updates and blogging ; daily
Thought for the day ; Mon-Fri
Moral issue debate of the week ; Saturday
Bizarre adult video of the week ; Saturday
Round-up of libellous news we just make up ; Sunday

Then, you have these fantastic topics coming your way;
Limewire is for perverts
Why you should always threaten a police officer
some football based chatter
and a Special editon, Bank Holiday Monday Special.. where I'll be drunk!
You Lucky Bastards.

And a final message; despite what "scientists" say, Team Well-safe invented Beer O'clock some four years ago. It is not at 6.15 pm, it is infact 8.30pm and 9.30pm GMT/BST regardless of daylight saving changes. With Jaeger-time following the same principal at 9 and 10pm. Thats just the way it is. Bye for now!

2 for 1! Moral issue of the week and bizarre adult video of the week!

How's about this eh? In my infinite genius I have managed to combine Two major end of week features, saving me time and space. Masterpiece.

The Moral Issue today is, when does an interest become and obsession? and when does an obsession become unhealthy?

Take the lady in the following video. She clearly loves her car very much, I'm abit of a petrolhead myself but i think maybe she is just that little bit more commited. Enjoy and Discuss!;

Ban Health and Safety

Saturday is my main day of rest.. and drinking. During this time I tend to think of more things to write about than almost any other time in the week.

Today, whats really pissing me off is good old, health and safety.

I'm serious when I say that this ludicrous concept, which I hate only marginally less than political correctness, messes with nature. We've gone thousands of years without its meddling and done just fine as this photo shows.

Now, its sounds pretty strong to say it messes with nature, but it does. Natural selection and evolution, despite what some idiotic christians in the bible belt say, are not only true concepts, but vital to the survival of the species. Sometimes, poorly adapted creatures die. They just do.

The world is cruel place but the hard fact is, if I fell down the stairs while carrying a vat of boiling acid, on a unicycle, listening to an mp3 player and later died. Frankly I deserved it.

It is now acceptable to sue somebody else, in an already busy court of law, for your own idiocy and incompetence. Take the latest advert from the intelligently named "Injurylawyers4u" - talk about targeted marketing.

In this advert, a man is shown drilling into a wall from atop a ladder he already stated was "unsuitable", he later falls and dislocates his shoulder. Doesnt seem to knock any damn sense into him though as he later takes his employer to court for failing to provide a correct ladder.

Now that sounds fair enough, until you consider the following;

1) No-one held a gun to his head to make him scale this ladder

2) he was perfectly within his rights to refuse to perform the task and the law would have backed him up.

Its amazing the kind of stupidity the promise of a few grand produces. however, the market is clearly very lucrative so i thought I'd get in on the act.

Hardcore Law Claims inc. - "Fall over while not watching what you were doing? Trespassing illegally on a rickety roof? hurt? Fucking Fantastic!"

Here at Hardcore claims, we always say - It's a shame you didn't die, because you clearly don't deserve to breed!

No Really.. Finally..

Well it seems all my insane ramblings are worth my time after all. Today I received my first bit of fan mail;

Dear Ben,
::.. . :: ... : .:. :: ....
Lots of Love,
Stevie Wonder
xxx

..and finally

Here is a little end of week treat for you, here because I have to mock this religion a little before I set to on the others, enjoy;



See you tomorrow

Thought for the day - 23-05-08

Today's thought for the day is back on a serious moral issue;

Darth Vader: Evil villian or misunderstood gay paedophile dad?

First off, lets not forget his love of heavy breathing and gimp-like enjoyment of constricting leather outfits and masks. Then there is his unhealthy obsession with his son, which culminates in that classic line and real giveaway;

"My Son is here.... I Have.. Felt.. Him."

Need I say more? ok then, observe this sign of early abuse;




This level of abuse would also give rise to his obvious anger issues, as shown through this recreation made using lego;



Let me know what you think...

The usual drugs issue

Well, you wouldn't believe the last 24 hours if I told you, so I won't bother.

I choose instead to continue our joint journey of enlightenment thusly;

As it is Friday, and I've had a stressful 24 hours, you are going to have to let me off if this one is short and lacks my usual air of charm, wit and charisma.

Today's issue is about drugs. Let's be honest, just about everyone now turns a blind eye to a bit of dope, me? I don't touch the stuff, but I don't actively discourage others from its use,many people seem to enjoy it and thats just dandy. Ok, so it is known to drive heavy users to the very brink of psychosis and can turn perfectly funny and intelligent people into a yoghurt, but its no concern of mine. As long as people can afford it, they are perfectly ok, maybe a bit grumpy if they have to go without but thats usually the worst of it. That is unless they are real hardened smokers, who do it in gangs, outside Tesco. This is because these people have no money, no-one I know is willing to pay someone minimum wage to abuse strangers and beat up the vulnerable, except we do. These bastards are outside just about every job centre in the UK, picking up their dole cash, using it for weed, a party bag of malteasers and 4 cans of Kestrel Super Strength.

They claim this money goes on feeding their fourteen kids and helping them get into a position where they can get up and contribute to society. I can't be too harsh though because they do contribute to society constructively, it happens regularly, about as regularly infact as your dog switches on your grill to prepare himself a grilled cheese sandwich.

Joking aside, the economy probably does float on their purchase of nike trainers, stripy shellsuits and argos gold chains.

Hard drugs are the same pretty much, often the crime linked to these substances is far more serious and can range from mugging to murder. However, it would be pretty stupid to assume the drugs make them, commit the crimes. They don't. Its the need for drugs that drives them.

Why don't you take heroin? I'll tell you why, because you aren't a cock. You're smart enough to avoid those drugs in the same way your smart enough to read this piece.

So, the answer? Legalise drugs. Seriously.

Straight away all criminal imports would become hideously unprofitable. The Opium field of Afghanistan could be used to create work and stability, the products used to make proper medical grade drugs, which even if we taxed people on would be cheaper than that nice albanian bloke can sell a bag for.

These people will always do drugs, at least this way we wouldn't have to pay millions to treat them, arrest them and try and stop illegal imports. They would die less because of the higher grade product and as a result we'd all pay less tax. Afghanistan may even calm down. I'm in no way marketing this to you as a cure-all, christ, far too many people do spend their lives in wetherspoons surrounded by betting slips and fag ends, but one problem at a time eh?

The Chav World tour

Hello everyone,

For my first post on this truly Hardcore blog I'd like to talk about something close to everyone's heart; SCALLIES. Basically I'm starting to miss certain aspects of life in the UK like pasties, beer gardens, double-decker buses and scotch eggs, so it helps to think of something less desirable about the mother nation; Jim Davidson, rain, Wolverhampton- it all helps

You'll see scallies almost every day in a reasonably sized UK town, but let's face it- we now have more important things to worry about like taxes, global warming and Boris Johnson. The country has moved on- but what about the rest of the world
Fear not people of Britain- scallies exist everywhere and in a variety of forms. What follows is a brief global tour of scallyism and all its cultural variations according to yours truly.

Here in France we have scallies or "les badmen" as they're known. They look roughly the same as ours, but they might sport a camp 1970s moustache. Often they like Mika and James Blunt. Burberry is rare- reserved mainly for old ladies who carry dogs around in handbags. If you're a very good scally they give you a gun, a taser and a silly hat and you get paid to do it.

Germany- lots of scallies here too. They love footy, alcohol and naked lesbians just like our own. In the west they like beer, sausages and mullet hairstyles, but watch out in the east- those dudes like neo-Nazism and kicking the elderly.

Italy- hard to discern. What separates a scally from the usual mass of horny lads cupping themselves in the town square? Perhaps it's the one who's pissed on grappa by 9am, and instead of a Vespa rides an ingeniously souped-up bicycle...

Australia- not so sure. According to Neighbours, an Aussie scallie is just a British scally stoned. No wait, the whole of Australia is just Britain stoned

USA- Saved by the Bell did nothing to clear this up and nor did the OC because it's shit. I can only guess American society is more densely layered, with gangstas, jocks, geeks and dweebs. Eminem may have been a scally once

China- maybe the government media portrays Tibet as a nation of yobbos who need to be weaned off alcohol and mindless violence by being shot at. A little like how the British government might talk about Scotland...

So there you go- we are truly not alone. I believe this whole issue rests on a simple and quite obvious question; if scallies instead wore hessian peasant smocks, feathered caps and felt codpieces, and quoted Chaucerian prose from church spires, would people really mind about them as much?!

Thought for the day - 22/05/08

Today's thought is this;

Am I a Giant? I know this isnt a huge moral issue for once, but indulge me.

Nat has pretty average sized feet for a girl, so imagine my surprise when I noticed that next to her I really do look like a Giant, see the photo attached and tell me your opinions, oh and no mocking my shamefully dirty boots..I was tired. oh, and that thing they say about guys with big feet, its true....we do wear large shoes.

And Finally.. A shock announcement in the news today;

Work is for suckers

Welcome to today's topic for debate, right up until the point I stop listening because you are wrong.

Today's issue is one I'm equally guilty of. It is often said that here in the UK we take less holiday, shorter lunch breaks and work longer hours than most other nations, and this is true, so why don't all major companies bring their factories over here for efficent production by British staff?

Well, there is no short answer, so take a deep breath and lets begin. First off, there is the issue of the generally slack work ethic in this country, ok we all come to work for long periods but overall, we spend most of our time doing the bare minimum and just focus on getting through the day so we can drink too much and have a fight. Work is dull, that is how you can tell you are at work. Thats the whole point.

Where I work, this is especially true, we do all we can to piss about and make the whole experience more interesting. Mike v.1.0 enjoys making up little games in his dept. to pass the time and prevent himself from commiting suicide.

For those of you with catarcts, the list above is a scoreboard, with points acheived for actions such as; Lying to a customer about something being out of stock, asking a customer if they would "fancy a bum?", making an animal noise or give them a cheeky wink with your hand doing the guns thing.

This isn't as bad as it gets, please enjoy this photo Mike took of me sneaking out of my back warehouse and wrapping my superior's car in cling film. I apologise for looking bad but I wasn't feeling my best;

Now, I am a head of department, and as such should know better. Truth be told however, we're all at it in our own special way.

Next up, We don't work all day because we enjoy it. We work because life in Britain is so bloody expensive. For those who don't know. We are taxed heavily on everything.the only thing thats free in England is all the air you see around me in the above photo, thats it.

Which brings me onto another reason our industry is on the decline, Tax. Tax is so high that companies just don't want to pay it, nor our wages which have to be equally high. In Korea one major car manufacturer found they had to reject one in every ten components off the Korean production line, but only 1 in 1000 British made ones weren't up to scratch. Yet its that much cheaper to make them over there that the cost is negligible.

We once had the Greatest Empire the world has ever known, if you are American this may come as a shock, but you haven't won every war ever, nor do you have to fight inspite of the incompetence of the British [as in just about every movie you spew out over here] and nor did you "save our ass" we we're just fine thanks. You saved France if anyone, and we had to go with to make sure you liberated the right country. As I was saying, the Greatest Empire in human history and now we can't even supply washing machine components, something is tragically wrong.

However, we're not bothered. We'd all earn more on benefits anyway. I know I would.

Photos courtesy of Mike v.1.0 and Munkus.net [A short history of Team Well-Safe]

News and such

Good Morning. I've got to get today's stuff in early because I'm stuck on a stupid late shift.

Firstly, some news.

-New Bloggers-

You will notice in the coming weeks that we have two new bloggers to throw at you and generally intersperse my long winded rants. The first of these is Ravi, Currently in Europe mooching around like a true student bum. I once met him at a BBQ through a mutual friend and we now play international football together for a communist micronation, but thats a story for later, his writing is far more intelligent and funny than anything I could dream of putting together so I've signed him up for your enjoyment.

Then there is Sheep, he is in the British army and also enjoys the art of drinking too much. We go way back and are both central members of the frankly legendary, Team Well Safe [Pimping your mum since 2003]. He once aided me in dyeing my hair blue after a morning spent drinking heavily, before the purchase of a chinese, 2 hours spent making younger kids laugh and teaching them the importance of keeping it real and finally filling my bath tub with Carling and drinking it while awaiting the arrival of Claire, his mrs. at the time. Needless to say, she dumped him on the spot as he slumped against my bathroom radiator. Nice.

You may find he enjoys pointing out my girlfriend's quite serious anger issues, which he likes to provoke by farting in her face. once again, Nice.

-Endorsement-

I'd like to point out once again, this is not a commercial blog, its an angry blog.

In the VERY rare occasions I recommend something or frequently mention it, its because I genuinely believe its worth your time. I'm never paid for saying any such thing, nor can you pay me to do it about your product, so please don't ask. On this note though, to clarify, Carling is my favourite alcoholic beverage in the world, its awesome. There we go, sorted.

-Daily Updates!?-

Yes, yes I know. This is the first time I've run with the idea of daily updates, but, if this is going to go anywhere it has to happen, plus there are now three of us after all.

Anyway, thats quite enough of that. Shall we? Lets.

Thought for the day - 21/05/08

Hey, well thats another days posting out of the way and, as always, I leave you with a thought for the day that is statistically 43.2% better than any other thought of the day anywhere else, ever.

Todays thought is; Music - Do you have to be a prick?

I have many friends who are musicians, I even gave it a bash myself some time ago you may remember and with the possible exception of me, none of them are pricks. However, on the flip side none of them are famous either?

These days all we get is an endless stream of over confident R&B stars who sing generically crap songs about frequent sexual contact, being rich and generally sexy/handsome/tough/wonderful. You know, topics we can all relate to. They are all obviously over paid, and more often than not they are also illiterate morons with few exceptions. Remember the good old days, where musicians were talented, racked with guilt and self-hate and often killed themselves? I really liked them then, they needed to cheer up for sure, but they had led amazing lives which lead to poignant lyrics and beautiful songs, written from scratch by people who cared.

Today, every person and their dog is in some sort of band or musical interest group. Journalists don't escape either, I've found the three I've met were all insincere, brown nosing freeloaders. Until you tell them you aren't a member of the particular band they are here to review, at which point they spit in your face and set fire to your hair, or maybe thats just me. These people are dicks in a whole different way, because they are purely blaggers who don't want to get a proper job, the want to be "scene" and forever 19 years old, but by far the worst part of their character is the fact they have no idea what they are doing. We've all read an article that describes a band as sounding like "Led Zepplin, on acid, in a dustbin, making love to a walrus". Lovely. Just remind me, what exactly does that sound like then?

"You must see this band, they may throw raucous beats and intelligent lyrics your way, but the band themselves are just mere babies, imagine whats to come!"

Babies, eh? Well unless you've just sat through a set played by a group of drooling freeloaders with no bowel control, I imagine this is unlikely.

So, with that in mind, do you have to be a total penis to make it in music, or indeed music journalism? Do you know any who aren't? Have you met a famous musician who looks after you, like you look after them? Has Alex Turner done your washing up? Hit me back!

And Finally;

Sky Piracy. The best job in the World.

Today, I have the exact opposite of writer's block. My head is awash with so many ideas and topics that I'm restraining mysel from allowing it all to flood out now and leave me with nothing to write about for some weeks. However, before we begin;

Just so you know, the idea of switching to this new format is to make my blog, videos and everything else totally interactive.. just like everything else in the world. Please feel free to bombard me with your thoughts, ideas, comments, photos, videos and anything else. I will try and show as much as I can and will do my best to answer all questions. Got a problem? Uncle Benji is here for you.. well most of the time anyway.

Right, with that out of the way time to crack on with today's topic. I'm starting with one I felt was perhaps weaker than my other ideas as I want each days update to be prgressivly better and more personal than the last. Today's topic is a pretty generic question we've all pondered, but with a very unique answer on my part.

What would you do in the event of a lottery win? We've all wondered, dreamed and maybe even lived the experience, but truth be told if you have spent your life with almost no money what do you do when you find yourself suddenly awash with cash?

Give it to charity? Fuck off and stop lying to me.

Take your mates on Holiday? Hmm... original.

A Massive house and fleet of expensive cars? Just to check, you are cool with everyone hating you and possibly beating you around the face and neck then? Cool-io.

What would I do then? Well, upon telling Mike v.1.0 this today he was quite surprised at my answer, declaring that I "continue to astound me in ever more bizarre and interesting ways."
At least I keep it fresh, eh?


My Masterplan is all down to a pact I share with my childhood friend, Joe. We both agree that the whole damn world and his wife thake themselves far too seriously. The world has lost all sense of magic and wonder and nobody does anything original, inventive or interesting these days. So, with that in mind, we would pool any cash winfall and purchase.. A Zeppelin. That's correct, an Airship, a Blimp, whatever you want to call it.

It's a method of transport so whimsical and wonderful you just know Willy Wonka has one somewhere. It would of course be elaborate in its design, with solar panels for power, a system to get a water supply from rainfall and moisture in the air, high-speed broadband, a huge T.V. and a party loungue with a glass floor and walls so you can lazily float over a city at night, all the lights twinkling away below as you party the night away. Imagine to possibilities for sex on a floor like that! Sound a bit far-fetched all this? You have to agree its surely not beyond the realm of human invention, so the question needn't be why? It should be why not?

As a species we never do anything any more just for the hell of it. No moon landings, No pointless large bridges over vast chasms, No solar powered supersonic paragliders. Nothing.
Its all about image, being wealthy and being seen at the right parties, and it pisses me right off. Especially as this zeppelin would have enormous potential. Imagine the stories I'd have living and travelling on such a Zeppelin with the whole crew. Spending all the dough on a personal party Zeppelin/palace in the sky may sound a bit selfish, but its really not.

I'd have many opportunities to be all benevolant, with our high-speed internet connection and scrolling message boards on the side I could travel the world spreading the message of love, giving sound financial advice, showing marriage proposals, dropping aid in Sudan and making charity appearances. Raffling tickets for charity to party on The Hardcore Zeppelin.

There are other benefits that aren't immeadiatly obvious. Firstly, on all my official documents I could change my occupation to "Sky Pirate" or "Explorer/adventurer extraordinaire".
Secondly, parking or going to the pub would be so easy, just slide down a rope, knife in teeth right outside the pub. Drinking and driving? no sir. You can hardly arrest Admiral Hardcore for flying the world's slowest and gayest Zeppelin under the influence of 12 pints of Carling.

Theres more too, imagine this over your hometown on a night out, scrolling a message downt he side such as; "Benji Hardcore Says: Always tell your Mum where you are going"

If this whole concept doesn't sound like the best idea ever to you, then frankly I imagine you are a very dull person who votes conservative and goes to village fetes.

So if you fancy doing me some concept drawings, I'd love to see them.

Thought for the day - 20/05/08

Apologies for the previous post, I often waffle on but not usually for as long as that. If you haven't killed yourself welcome to Thought for the Day. A daily chance to discuss some serious moral dilemmas and issues. Ready? Go!

Can Blind people have dreams? We're obviously talking about people blind since birth here, but I wonder how they candream of things if they have never seen anything. hit me back with your thoughts, Benji



And finally;

An Introduction

Welcome,
I've been having a crack at this for a long time now and figured it was time to set the world to rights, over a beer on a bigger stage. Just to save time for the moment I'm going to throw in a generic introduction i've recycled many, many times;


Basically, Im a f**king hero. Im responsible for everything good.. ever, this stretches up to and includes; the rotary engine, Sausage and cheese sandwiches, casual sex, those cans of corned beef with the ring pull that doesnt work, monkey knife fighting and most of the plots from hollyoaks.

Famous people always steal my ideas.

I have a habit of offending people and making outlandish and controversial comments, this is a marked improvement on my previous habit of having sex with girls I didnt know.

I'm always right. I'm very opinionated and will soon be Prime Minister of Britain and possibly the moon.

My 2 most favourite possessions are my snowboard and my guitar.. it only has 4 strings and 3 of them are E but it has a lot of special meaning to me and is heavilty stained in beer.

Don't take me shopping, I'll only complain.

Now thats out of the way, time to move onwards and upwards and start as I mean to go on.
Cue something original;

I Genuinely thought at the time that I would be the only person alive who could possibly have had that idea. With the benefit of hindsight its easy to see this was more than a little bigotted.. just like me.
My moment of genius struck in The Yorkshire House [The Greatest Pub in all the Land] around 2 years ago. By someway or another the conversation had turned to death and funerals, a strangely morbid subject for what was a a very positive group of good friends but nevertheless it took hold.

I was doing my usual thing of using my funeral to plan some elaborate and crazy booze party with naked go-go dancers and some baboons when just like that, it hit me like a train of depressing realisation. If my friends knew me at all, upon my [probably early] demise they would arrange such a crazy funeral in my honour knowing my wish would not be for sadness, but more for celebrating my far from normal life and having fun and wherever posssible a bit of beer fuelled casual sex. Why? What was the point? I'd be pushing up daisies, or more likely, having my testicles removed with a rusty hacksaw by one of Satan's minions. albeit deservedly - because frankly, I was a right bastard.

I felt it important that I be there for such a spectacle, so right there and then I hired the upstairs portion of the bar for some three weeks hence, I was going to become the only man in history to have two funerals. A good friend of mine, Chris, was one of the first to hear about the idea, partly because he's a top bloke and partly because his family owns a funeral parlour and I thought it would be hilarious to announce my death in the local rag and show up, in a coffin, only to burst out with my beer in hand right as the priest began stripping to some funky eurobeats. Sadly this wasn't to be. The night itself was pretty damn good considering many people were unavailable adn when you host a party you become alarmingly aware of nay empty space that should be filled with merrymakers.

The whole affair fell into place nicely, many turned up in suits, the beer flowed, my "ex" (we never made anything official and I was too drunk to tell you what happend in that month) brought her mum and spent the night slapping my ass in front of my new girlfriend.
Top that off with some awesome rock tunes and you got yourself a party ,sir.

However, that bloody theiving bastard from Hollyoaks the did the exact same bloody thing no less than a week later. I can't remember the details but basically some character staged his own death and threw a funeral/wake type affair to gain the affections of some stereotypically attractive actress type and promote his art/fashion/music/stereotypically youth culture thingy

This of course took the shine off the whole plan, even though I was first, could I ever prove it?
So the point, yes there is a point, is this; what next? How can I redeem myself? what stupid thing can I pull now, if only to put this whole "persona" to bed?

Since that night my life has settled into a routine so dull that even a carpet salesman or Ian Beale would gladly hang himself. My surname was replaced with the word hardcore for some good reason I can't remember. How can a man whose moral standards, general behaviour and alcohol consumption are so poor his last name was switched for such a word allow himself to get that dull?

It may be that its all out of my hands, after all Im one of the few who didnt opt for uni. Co-habitation and my only [almost] normal relationship are likely to tone some things down. Maturity perhaps has its part to play?

but if this is the way its meant to be, why am I so far away from being content?