The Chav World tour

Hello everyone,

For my first post on this truly Hardcore blog I'd like to talk about something close to everyone's heart; SCALLIES. Basically I'm starting to miss certain aspects of life in the UK like pasties, beer gardens, double-decker buses and scotch eggs, so it helps to think of something less desirable about the mother nation; Jim Davidson, rain, Wolverhampton- it all helps

You'll see scallies almost every day in a reasonably sized UK town, but let's face it- we now have more important things to worry about like taxes, global warming and Boris Johnson. The country has moved on- but what about the rest of the world
Fear not people of Britain- scallies exist everywhere and in a variety of forms. What follows is a brief global tour of scallyism and all its cultural variations according to yours truly.

Here in France we have scallies or "les badmen" as they're known. They look roughly the same as ours, but they might sport a camp 1970s moustache. Often they like Mika and James Blunt. Burberry is rare- reserved mainly for old ladies who carry dogs around in handbags. If you're a very good scally they give you a gun, a taser and a silly hat and you get paid to do it.

Germany- lots of scallies here too. They love footy, alcohol and naked lesbians just like our own. In the west they like beer, sausages and mullet hairstyles, but watch out in the east- those dudes like neo-Nazism and kicking the elderly.

Italy- hard to discern. What separates a scally from the usual mass of horny lads cupping themselves in the town square? Perhaps it's the one who's pissed on grappa by 9am, and instead of a Vespa rides an ingeniously souped-up bicycle...

Australia- not so sure. According to Neighbours, an Aussie scallie is just a British scally stoned. No wait, the whole of Australia is just Britain stoned

USA- Saved by the Bell did nothing to clear this up and nor did the OC because it's shit. I can only guess American society is more densely layered, with gangstas, jocks, geeks and dweebs. Eminem may have been a scally once

China- maybe the government media portrays Tibet as a nation of yobbos who need to be weaned off alcohol and mindless violence by being shot at. A little like how the British government might talk about Scotland...

So there you go- we are truly not alone. I believe this whole issue rests on a simple and quite obvious question; if scallies instead wore hessian peasant smocks, feathered caps and felt codpieces, and quoted Chaucerian prose from church spires, would people really mind about them as much?!