What a load of old tosh

I'm going to fuel the fire of Benji's national pride debate by arguing that his post below is a load o' bollocks...Here's why.

The days of the British empire might have looked impressive in history books but all was not hunky dorey in blighty. Our men were so short the army had to lower its height limits, little kiddies toiled in dusty mills and people were so repressed they even made chair legs wear trousers. But we had spices, slaves and steam engines so everything was fine right? No diggity- if you want an era of tramps, vomit, stabbings and shit toothpaste: those were the days.

Nowadays it's the opposite. The Britain of today will look shite in history books in 50 years. Flooding, house prices, Jim Davidson, credit crunch. But actually we have plenty of stuff to be proud about. Sure we have our fair share of problems, but they're matters of politics, not of national pride. Put that flag away and just sort stuff out!

Britain's main asset is it's ability to "not make a big deal about things". So we have immigration from other countries and a couple of signs in Polish. That's nothing new and hardly a dagger pointed at Britain's manhood -no matter how much the Daily Mail makes us think so. Even if Britain becomes this "perfect nation" full of pride and power, the Mail will still argue we're all fucking doomed. Print as many "bus timetables in Swahili" as you want. As long as there's an English one, no one with common sense should complain. Bloody hell- there's enough English signs around the world to make us feel like complete idiots...

So we're not a superpower any more. Would we want to be? Even they have to make sacrifices. We had shit public healthcare and smog, the USSR was shunned like the class fat kid and the Americans have the burden of everyone hating them, even people who have never even heard of America. Do we really want to go through that all again? Chilled out countries like New Zealand, Canada and Sweden are hardly big cheeses in global politics but people respect them because they follow their own path and don't go out of their way to impress people. Hell-when nuclear war comes they could well be the last ones left on the map.

We can keep the fine ale, scotch eggs and eccentricities but weeping over our lost empire only makes us more weak. Get over it, eat a Polish pasty and move on.

Time to regain our pride..

Whether its Labour and Tory, or Metro and Retro we have become a very much Dis-United Kingdom.

For years it was simple, we effectivly ruled the world and no-one fucked with us, simple as that. This instilled a great sense of national pride in our people.

We invented Gravity, democracy and TV, we ruled the waves and gave Johnny Foreigner a bloody good hiding if he even thought about oppressing his own people. The empire gave us an influx of Olympic quality atheltes and spicy food, and it was truly a great time to be British.

Somehow though, we've lost our way. This country used to be about doing things, acheivement and generally showing off and suddenly its about being middle-of-the-road, inoffensive and balancing alot of questionable finance books. NASA scientists privately admit that the Brits getting Concorde to work was a hell of a lot tougher than the Yanks putting a man on the moon, and it shows because it cost £1.5 billion to make it happen, every single plane was sold at a loss and Hank the Yank was so jelous, he attempted to ban it in American airspace with the somewhat flimsy excuse that it was so noisy it would make cows fall over.

The World didn't need a supersonic airliner, democracy or James Blunt, but we went ahead and gave it them anyway, because we could. Today, any public spending on anything remotely interesting is marred by newspapers and TV shows bringing on a tearful mother who claims the money would be better spent on preventing her son from being stabbed/a dialysis machine/Speed Cameras on her road.

I mean, what country views its own flag as a symbol of right-wing oppression? A stupid one.

I therefore propose we levy a tax of £1 a week for every man, woman and child in the country. The we spend this money on Aircraft carriers, Nuclear missiles, An elevator into space, a journey to the centre of the earth, a mars lander, Zeppelins, Tasers, David Gray CD's, replacing the London Underground with a jet powered maglev monorail system, public transport that doesn't contain tramps and a smell of urine and vomit, whitening toothpaste that actually works, monuments, a new road network complete with 7 lanes each way and an autobahn style unlimited speed system and other such follies. Being a bit eccentric and crazy is what being British is all about. We need a real James Bond and we need to be the first to circumnavigate the sun, its what we're about.

Hang on, what happens if I don't pay tax you say? Simple, Doley? Chav? you gotta work for those benefits matey, on the sick with a bad back? Disabled? office work squire, Retarded? Great we could always use more "road safety operatives" and "outreach officers" welcome aboard.

Frankly, I think the last thing we should be doing with all our public money is funding bus timetables in swahili and road signs in Polish, come one and come all I say, just learn the bloody language and try to fit in, thats all we ask.

Retrosexual music review

Today I'm going to review a well known single with a laddish retrosexual twist. I've chosen one that I might be a little biased about as I'm forced to listen to it 47 times a day on the radio:I'm speaking of course about Viva La Vida by Coldplay. In the style of method acting I shall assume the persona of a retrosexual...

Intro-pile of shite. Silly strings like I'm meant to be excited about something. I should coco... Unless it's about a sale at Kwik Fit, I doubt I'll give a toss sunshine...

Eyupp. The lyrics read like a lament from General Franco: The Musical. Have you been watching too much Evita, Chris Martin? Are we meant to feel sorry for this deposed fascist fella? Are we meant to feel sorry for your daughter cos she's named after a fruit? Oh right-throw in a couple of Bible references like you're an intellectual. You pretentious slaaag. I'll out-quote you on Genesis any day mate...with my sledge hammer.

At the end of the day right, Chris Martin's approach to music is this: "I'll sing any song you want lads, as long as I get to howl like a rabid wolf towards the end. Arrroooooooooooooooooo....."

What a fuckin disgrace. And what the hell is a Roman Cavalry Choir? At least the Romans knew when to call it a day - you've made 4 albums too many squire.

"That was when I ruled the world" croons Chris like a begrudged waiter who's received a crap tip. Maybe Mussolini was a sad fella when they said he couldn't do fascism any more. Like I give a toss. Don't come to me crying. By the way, those black shirts make you look like a nonce. Am I talking to Chris Martin or Mussolini?! Shit can't remember. Anyway Top Gear's on so shut the fuck up...

Freebie Friday.. at last!

Ok, so its competition time people.

To win our surprising stash of blagged but pointless goodies we need you to get all interactive. Before we start this competition has no real right or wrong answer so we can't favour people we know and our families are not eligible to enter, plus its free so what have you got to lose?

The challenge is this, week in and week out Sheepy gets drunk, he is clearly a smart guy, and theres nothing wrong with enjoying a drink, however he does tend to get.. well.. destroyed.

So, your task is to make sense of any ONE of the drunken texts messages he has sent me that I've reprinted below. The winner will be picked by ALL the bloggers unanimously and only entries to hardcreeffect@live.co.uk will be eligible, please include your name, age and country of residence.

As for your entries you can perhaps take a guess as to what he is talking about, what he is doing as he writes or simply make something up that will make us laugh, here are your options, take your pick (blatantly obvious and unimaginitive answers will be disregarded);

a) "Netto is Ghetto"
b) "...and he draws horrible cartoons of you, and wraps them up in sausage meat and calls you a sausage muncher.."
c) "so I said, you're a sell-out, retail loving, cuntish, bastard"
d) "oh dear, you might have accidentally caught a glimpse of my rippling abs.."
e) "That is just massively disrespectful to your trousers"
f) "Im coming for you.. maybe not now.. but soon, but I didnt rob your Grandad' house nor did I kidnap that 8ft snowman"

Not easy eh? well good, because its harder than you think blagging stuff so you're gonna hvae to work for it. Cheers

The Hardcore Effect Awards 2008

First off, I have to say that we are all in total agreement with Ravi on the Keytar issue. That particular instrument receives our highest recommendation, not only does it ooze cool but they can look trluy amazing teamed with a spangly jacket and whitened teeth, Joe very much wanted to learn the keytar and the synth with ideals of legally changing his name to "Synthesiser Joe", if he did that, I would finally mail off my ridculous deed poll, along with Simon [Jonny McGay] and Chris [Todd Powers].

As usual though, I'm digressing. Its almost time for me to take the Hardcore Tour to Cannes, Antibes, Paris and Monaco (mmm.. glamourous), and all this glitz got me thinking and after some frank and open discussion on the matter its been decided that its time for the first annual Hardcore Awards. I'll be collecting nominations in various categories from the other bloggers and the votes will be collated on an indepedent site only too happy to receive its fair share of frankly impressive traffic volume for such a young blog.

Nominations will be taken and presented from a week on friday and voting will be open for 2 weeks in categories such as;

The "If I were gay, I would" Award
The Hardcore Effect Award for products with a stupid design flaw
Most Pointless Website
The "It would be fucking hilarious if it wasn't so tragic" award
Most innovative use of genitalia
Irresponsible parent of the year
Dickhead of the year
The Best blog that isn't ours award
and many others

Promises also that we'll be in contact with as many of the winners as we can. Speaking of which keep an eye out in the coming days because I'll be interviewing a man who makes a living out of masturbating onto his girlfriend's possessions and filming her reaction.. seriously.. no shit.

Also, If I can raise Ravi and Kabbyo, theres some interesting interview work afoot for those guys so keep em peeled.

Finally, as always any and all category suggestions for the awards are welcome, because we arent bothering with any actual physical awards.

..and we're back

You probably noticed I've been absent for nigh on 5 long days now. This is all due to a cock-up at British Telecom, for which they have now apologised unreservedly after I explained that 5 days is a fucking long time for you all to be without my wisdom and for me to be unable to utilise my access to high speed pornography downloads.

anyhow, without further ado, lets set to it..

Music for real MEN!

Developing things a little, I reckon we all have our own opinion about which musical instrument is the most masculine. Strong cases can be made for the bass guitar, bagpipes, cello, and penny whistle, but I want to present you the masculine super-cool credentials of the KEYTAR.


What the blue blazes is a keytar? I hear you say....


Check it out, it's totally bitchin:

Modelled here by Steve Van Der Wilkinson of the Rotterdam Funk Jazz collective Sqootl. You can't be failed to be won over by its groovy sound, impressive lines and 'fuck you' energy. What makes the keytar uber-masculine is that they're no longer being mass produced so you have to rob someone to get one.

Popularised by New Wave groups such as Moog Liberation, the keytar was clearly too cool for school and was discontinued in 2007. Despite its current status as an obselete piece of retrokitsch, my new aim in life is to master the keytar. Has anyone got one to sell? If not I'll just soup-up a children's one with a sub-woofer. Just like Kid Carpet, who can be seen here taking a toy guitar to its limits in front of a crowd of bemused Bristol yokels.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELkTRExchww

A load of bullocks

Right- rather than get all nostalgic again like a clumsy combination of John Major and Alf Garnett, I will return to the month's chief topic: sexuality.

I've already said that history has been dominated by the conflict between Benji's metrosexuals and so called "retrosexuals". The definition of these is pretty subjective. For example, in Coventry you're classed as "a bit of a gayboy" if you've still got all your front teeth or if you actually move your mouth when you talk. Horses for courses I guess...

Talking of horses, the “sport” of bullfighting makes a very interesting case study of this battle of the sexes: excitable retrosexuals, lobotomised by sangria, applauding either a guy in frills with a carpet or a mounted chap in frills as a bull is gradually given a lingering and quite silly death.

Most Spanish cities have a bull ring. Unlike the one in Birmingham it's often actually used for its advertised purpose. Not a TK Maxx in sight. Men with lances attempt to put horny sticks in the bull to make it angry (and make it bleed A LOT) so that senor Matador can come and finish it off with a sword and a red rag. The reason for cape being red is so that the blood won't show up- not to anger the bull, which is colour-blind and would probably rather get him in the arse anyway.

The same blokes who turn up to watch monster trucks or aussie rules football in other countries seem to enjoy bullfighting. But what about the guy they're watching? His clothes are velvet, his movements are dainty, and his hair is so firmly waxed even a bull's horn won't dislodge it from his bonce. So the retrosexuals idolise the metrosexual matador.
Evidence like this has led me to the conclusion that we live in a metrosexual world and the skinhead with more Y chromosomes than front teeth is his serf. Retrosexuals may hate “men who moisturise” but they’ll still worship them, whether on the football field, in music or in a bullfight.

Here's a typical conversation you might overhear in a Coventry pub, that illustrates why metrosexuals rule the roost.

"Steve's a right fuckin gayboy innee?"

"Fuckin yeah. Fuckin...gay. Fuckin..."

"By the bye- did you get them Elton John tickets for Friday?"

"Indeedy I did. He's really quite spiffing isn't he?"

The Gym Buddy

Just a quick note to let you guys know that I've set up a new blog called 'The Gym Buddy' check it out! http://thegymbuddy.blogspot.com

SEGA Tribute

So, while Ravi tearfully takes a nostalgic walk down the Kid's TV Memory Lane, I'm going to remind us all of the games we got for Christmas before the heady technical heights of Battle Raper II.

The first electronic gizmo I remember being addicted to was my SEGA Master System, it was an innocent age when games didnt have age ratings, graphics were bright and two dimensional and music was shit.

Games didnt really have a point, you played purely for "points" and nothing more, and the plots were thin at best. Alex The Kid for example, was a game where you played Alex, who was a kid.. and thats all I got from it really.

Much like Ecco the Dolphin, what was the point? I remember feeling as if I'd dropped acid as these dolphins started "talking" and plotting together, and then I remember growing panic as I couldn't maneuver my dolphin out of a small pool.

Then I came into possession of the iconic games system of the early '90s. The SEGA Mega Drive, or Genesis if you're American. I still actually have mine, and it works. The games all seem thinly guised as innocent but all contain some seriously questionable moral material. I had an Ice Hockey game [which still contained the USSR as a country], in which 95% of the gameplay wasn't hockey related and mainly consisted of punching an opposition player in the face until he fell over.

Then I got "Streets of Rage", given all the noise being made over GTA, I'm surprised that in the era of a conservative government, a game that encouraged you to bottle women dressed as dominatrixes in the face while being supported by a squad car armed with a heavy repeating rocket launcher at age 5 wasn't banned entirely. Same goes for the ever popular, Road Rash, an illegal street racing game involving motorcycles and hitting opponents in the face with a chain or a baton or a metal pole until they fall off and get injured.

Later on, I got the essential purchase of Sonic the Hedgehog, only in the '90s could a series of games involving a blue hedgehog be deemed worthy of release. I can imagine that concept meeting, I just can't imagine what sane person would commision a game knowing the centrestone of the plot was hinged on a large blue hedgehog.

After a short traiterous jump to Nintendo shortly after and th epurchase of a SNES, I became engrossed with the rival to the speedy blue critter, again my mind boggles at the concept meeting for this one. How do you rival a supersonic pointy mammal? simple, create a game based in a strange world where the hero to end all heroes is a fat italian plumber in dungarees. If only game plots could be so simple today eh?

Stupid games were all but killed off by the Sony Playstation, with the exception of Tekken which allowed you to fight as a man with a tiger's head for no real reason.

The question though is this;
Will game makers ever show this kind of imagination again?
Will there ever be a gun cooler than the one in Lifeforce Tenka?
Will there ever be a semi-decent and original "Aliens" Game?
Will Battle Raper II ever be beaten?

Microsoft seem to think so.. we aren't so sure.

its alive!!

Hey, I'm back. I dont know what went wrong, but all is well.. so join me as I dive into the U-bend of genius and return up the plughole with some hairballs of goodness......

Test Card Tribute

Seems to be working ok for me. All this talk of technical hitches got me thinking about the days when the BBC used to play the National Anthem and close down at 2am. Imagine that now- all those precious hours of porn and phone-in con man game shows wasted...

When I was really young I used to wake up stupidly early at weekends to catch kid's telly. Sometimes I'd get up a little too early while it was still dark and pissed guys were still stumbling home. But hark, here's paddington bear. Shit- what's he doing with that cucumber and what exactly is his duffel coat hanging off??! Scary times for the unfortunate child who got up before the adult cartoons had finished....

Then came the test card. Whatever happened to chalkboard girl I wonder? Some say she succumbed to narcotics like so many child stars and went on to appear on Naked Jungle with Keith Chegwin. Others say she's now a man called Roscoe. No matter she's now up to, we salute her and her harlequin companion for their contribution to entertainment. But why on earth would you play noughts and crosses with a stuffed clown? Maybe the girl was intentionally made bored so that she would empathise with our own boredom.

After that came half an hour of ceefax stock market pages, followed by the most disturbing kid's cartoons. Strange Soviet animations about a bundle of string called Szczupksch or Japanese manga about some kind of gerbil-dolphin hybrid and his badly-dubbed companions. Entertaining but maybe not in the right way.

Four hours in, and the good stuff came. Bert and his Racoon chums, Alvin and the Chipmunks (surely Alvin was a chipmunk too though? Or at least some form of humanoid cross), Potsworth & co, the Ninja Turtles. In fact all the best kids shows seem to involve animals with human attributes. Even the Poddington peas had opposable thumbs...

This was a golden age of kid's tv- before Dick & Dom sodomised it with ad-libbed shite. I reckon I'd rather watch the test card than another episode of "In Da Bungalow". Plus to rub salt into the wound...it was actually a maisonette. Fuckers.

Troubles..

Sorry, theres a technical hitch of some kind and my access to the server is intermittent at best and as I can't upload anything either, you'll all have to sit tight for today. love ya longtime, Benji

Shit it's David Cameron...

Right- a very important post today. I'm going to get a little political, just so that in a year or so's time I can refer to this post as I chastise everyone for BEING STUPID ENOUGH TO ELECT DAVID CAMERON AS PRIME MINISTER.

If David Cameron was a food he'd be steak tartare. Looks great on the menu, but then it arrives and you realise it's just a raw egg on a cow's buttocks. Take my word for it-this guy is destined to cock up Britain. I just wanted to say that before everyone else votes him in THEN starts moaning about it. It'll be too late by then though...you closet-Tory fools.

His recent “it’s your fault if you’re fat or poor” speech was pretty interesting. Apparently some people only have themselves to blame for stuff. Cheers for that Dave, but you don't need a 1st from Oxford to know that.
There are work-shy people in every country, but in the UK there is a more of a stigma to it than a lot of other places. That's why daytime TV is intentionally made shite so we're encouraged to get ourselves down the job centre. By day, our town centres are ruled by OAPs and teenage mums and that's the way it'll always be. In France you might well get laughed at by a bunch of jobless folks in a bar as you walk past on your way to work. Pretty soon households will be paying 1000 quid a year for gas bills and a terraced house will be worth £4.60 but apparently it’ll still be their fault if they’re poor. Dave Cameron’s house on the other hand uses no gas supply at all as it’s entirely heated by his own ego…

This speech was not the amazingly bold and courageous discourse
people make it out to be. Walk into any pub in Britain and you’ll
hear the same views being spouted. He was exploiting the blame culture we live in- everyone who isn't either fat or poor can safely agree with Cameron and draw attention away from their own failings. I can imagine a skinny, rich paedophile watching Cameron and saying "Dave's right. THAT’S what’s wrong with this country today". He’s not even the same politician to say this stuff-talk of personal responsibility has been discussed before by Major, Thatcher and even back in Victorian times, when the same arguments were used to justify the existence of the workhouse, slums and only one helping of gruel.

Despite his crap arguments, people will inevitably fall for them because they’re bored. Bored of seeing the same chap on their voting slip, and the same guy defending himself in the house of commons. Gordon Brown may be new, but he was boring from the start. Hell, he’d be boring if he danced the polka on a cheesewire tightrope over an erupting volcano. Cameron will probably do a Blair- have tea with Liam Gallagher, strum a Telecaster, then invade some country at great cost (I reckon San Marino or Kiribati) and soil his reputation. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

I know what you’re saying- “Enough moaning. What solution do you suggest you pessimistic tosser?” Good point, well made. I’ll get back to you on that. Maybe some kind of mild anarchy involving fewer sofa adverts and more free scotch eggs. That’s what Britain really needs…

The Metrosexual Effect

So, as we enter the last week of this challenge, with Ravi sunning himself in Spain like a true Metro, I've decided to put my theories to a further test.

This healthy eating lark, while expensive, time consuming and bad tasting is the area where I'm told I should have felt most benefit, but as we all know I would probably have noticed a bigger improvement if the challenge had involved the consumption of Crack cocaine.

To test this, I decided to switch back to my old diet of sugars, fats and great tasting junk food for this weekend. Mark and I indulged in a Donor Kebab/fried chicken/cider fest on the Friday, and yesterday I enjoyed my first Coca-cola in three weeks. I was assured this would lead to an inevitable "sugar crash", this would increase my heart rate, induce sweating, headaches and a general feeling of lethargy. I cared not a jot, I missed my manly diet and moisturiser-free bathroom.

The results? Well, let me tell you, after a bacon sandwich and all that other stuff I've listed, I feel fucking fantastic. This would lead me to believe that all the speculation surrounding these lifestyle choices are false and that any benefit felt is purely psychological. Kind of a placebo effect, in that it works for the people who say it works purely because they WANT it to have worked,

Trips to the doctors have revealed I'm no more-or-less deficent in vitamins and minerals than I was before, my blood pressure and heart rate remain steady and healthy, I'm still breathing and since going back to my unhealthy ways my dodgy stomach has healed. Its a miracle!

Basically, no matter how many supplements you take or how much veg you eat, your body only needs so much of everything, and so you literally crap out any excess, so any extra you ingest is pointless and has no benefit of any description, just in the same way that organic veg is no better for you than non-organic, its all in the mind.

The basic rule is the same as the one I observed when I went to Edinburgh with the army, you can eat pretty much whatever the fuck you like, almost everything has some nutrional benefit these days thanks to sandal wearing beardies and Jamie Oliver, as long as you exercise to some degree you'll be pretty much set. This is hwere fad-dieting comes into play, because magazine diets only ever promise things they can't deliver in reality, think about the genius of this for a second ok?

Next time your in Topshop, take a look where they place the chocolates and sweet things, can you see? yes, right by the checkout.

At a basic level, what they do is make you want clothes they only make in very small sizes, so you buy a magazine that simultaneously advertises pretty clothes and stupid diets, you diet, get miserable, go buy clothes, comfort eat on the treats by the tills, can't fit in your clothes, buy fad diet magazine and the whole cycle begins again. I've observed it in Mrs. Hardcore and she isn't stupid so, its obviously a system that really speaks to women and girls, and thats sad because they are the ones that really need a break from that sort of thing.

I'm not sure why it works this way though really, Women claim they feel under pressure from magazines but in my copy of FHM there is a big photo of David Beckham looking his usual hunky self, and yet I don't feel remotely bothered by this. Government adverts aimed a binge drinking young women have been changed after they found out "drinking damages your health" was 100% less effective than a poster claiming "if you drink like a man, you'll look like one"

Tests conducted with school children found that most boys rated friends and others on their ability to perform tasks and their level of skill, respecting others who showed aptitude in a certain area. Young girls rated people and friends entirely on their looks, and often used comparisons with themselves to give examples. All this will be elaborated on in my big sexism post when it finally gets finished, but the point is clear that whatever is causing this damage to the fairer sex, it happens at a very, very young age, and that is the most troubling part of all.

Beta Testing: My findings

So, I thought I'd just summarise for you all s list of things I feel would make Football Manager Live, which I've been testing, into a better game. It won't take much and is totally worth your hard-earned in its current state, well taking aside the lag, inevitable and unavoidable downtime during periods when I fancy a bash and the excessive inflation.

I think the game, while fantastic, fails the grasp the realities of British football. Players don't refuse a tranfser to your club solely on the basis of their wife's taste in shopping, theres no pointless violence and no mention of hooliganism in the pub afterwards.

So, for the benefit of SI, allow me to give you a run down of some features that we all feel would be good selling points if added to the final release;

1- Micheal Ballack should reguarly bung it over the bar.

2- Olof Mellberg should be prone to bouts of rage.

3- John Terry should be made more tearful

4- Lukas Podolski should remember he's Polish, and becaome racked with guilt over his Eur0 2008 goal against Poland.

5- commentary should include the following sentecnes;
"He's really regretting that curry"
"Shame about his wife though"
" *insert Referee name* has sand in his vagina"
"*GK* threw that like a right girl"

6- Jens Lehmann should have his name changed to Herbert T. Butterfingers.

7- Cristiano Ronaldo should report you to amnesty international for not meeting his excessive wage demands

See, there is just a few tiny droplets from my vast bucket of genius on this issue.

Let's make it happen.

Last Night..

Apparantly, I missed an awesome night last night, due in no small part to my only having £20 til Friday like a true bum.

I am of course in mourning over this, and in my emotionally fragile state, with the wrath of the rock Gods over me, my blogging for today may be somewhat erratic.

So, lets set to it...

Filling the gap..

Apologies for my obvious lateness on the sexism post, but I like to make sure my sources are 100% accurate before I go getting all angry and such.

So instead today's post is about combatting the imminent recession here in the UK.
Some people think that voting the Conservatives in will help, but lets not forget they fucking love unemployment, it means they can pay those who do work far less and it keeps them and their rich buddies in champagne and Audis, so that ones out.

First off, the best thing to do is to stop printing stories saying there is definatly going to be a bad time for money on the horizon, because that stops people spending which makes it all worse, the best thing we can all do to avert this disaster is blow all our spare cash at evry opportunity, sounds daft but it works like this.

If everyone just saved all the money from their wages they could, no-one would be buying enough stuff, so production slows, then stops and we all become either poor or unemployed.

Inversely, spend all your cash, and your wages go up, and the country prospers, weird eh?

So, why aren't we spending? well Joe and I analysed this in true Hardcore Effect style, and we've discovered everyday markets have gaps in them so large it makes them into a money sive.

So we suggest plugging the gaps and selling unique items no-one else makes for example;

-A burglar alarm only dogs can here

-A "Sorry, you're engaged" greeting card, or maybe even "The bastard's dead" or "Congratulations on your divorce, now you get half his stuff, gritting your teeth through all that terrible sex is paying off"

- A toaster/kettle hybrid

- A mobile phone/taser hybrid

- "Gangsta" jewellery.. for dogs

the options are limitless, another idea is to get us all drinking more again, being pissed and violent is in the national character and we should all continue our proud tradidtions, to acheive this we need to release more stupid named beers in the style of "Bishop's Finger" and "Merlin", so we came up with a few;

Illegal Immigrant
Shoddy Builder
Negligent Mother
Sex Pest
Brewer's Droop
Penis Enlargement Beer
Bottled Sex
Thai Prostitute
Ladyboy
Gimp's Choice
Angry driver
Benefit Cheat
and
Teenage Mum

So, as we know, you must practice what you preach, so i've decided, for the good of the country and the economy, to get pissed tomorrow.

I'll drink to that.

Introduction

Well, let me start with the obligatory apology for the amount of hostility contained in my last post. I was on the brink of insanity (brought on by a lack of sleep caused by the snoring of three Fijians for a constant 2 months) but have recovered and am now ready to fully dedicate myself to the fray.

That is, if my superiors give me enough time off work. We're very busy you see, what with having to finish dealing with the likes of Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Afghanistan, Serbia, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo and, of course, marching up and down bits of concrete in London.


So, Ben, my good man, should I bother with an introduction? Or are our patrons people we already know?
Having mulled this conundrum over, I've come to the conclusion that there is so little to write about myself there seems little point in the first instance. I shall consider it.



Now, having just read the interview that Ben and Ravi gave to The Pakistan Spectator I have at least two trains of thought;

Firstly, that it was completely pointless, as everybody knows that Pakistan is poor. Poor people can't buy newspapers. If they can afford to buy newspapers then they certainly can't afford English lessons.

Secondly, I was never informed that this blog, this work in progress, was such a serious endeavour. I was under the impression it was simply a medium for me to be a sexist arsehole. As it is, I now feel compelled to censor myself. I don't really have any serious thoughts on any serious issues, I'm not entirely sure I'm bright enough to formulate them.
The most serious thing I've said today was to sing "Whitby's Mum - - - Has got it going on!" at a colleague.

As I'm told on a daily basis, "You're not paid to show initiative."


I'm genuinely struggling to think of something to say. I need some brain foodage.

I will post when I discover a topic I can have a meaningful mull over. One that won't cause me to become so irate that I froth all over my laptop.

Mid-life crisis at 22

Well, I was going to write a big piece on our grand theme for the month of sex and sexuality, I intend fully to tackle the sexism issue, but I'm pushing it back until tomorrow because I have to press on with a Uni assignment.

First out of the blocks for today is some good news, despite my somewhat poorly timed use of the word "Jap-o-phile", Google don't seem to be that bothered. Common sense finally claims a victory eh?

On another note, in less than one months time I'll be taking The Hardcore Tour to France, where I'll be getting up to no good and generally misbehaving no doubt. In spite of the crap exchange rate I'll also be making an extra special effort to get drunk and party because its dawned on me recently, that I'm almost 22 and since turning 21 I've had very few memorable nights on the town, in fact, none at all in 2008 I think.


mainly due to my bad management of my finances,Im not out much these days, but I do resolve to make the most of the remainder of my 20's and improve my mate credentials by being around for some memorable moments in the remaining months of this year.

I apologise to myself for shaming my good name, and to everyone else for being a bit of a pussy.

Beers up.

Yesterday's post...

..has been reported to Google, who kindly host The Hardcore Effect.

After a somewhat frank and expressive exchange of views with a jap-o-phile.. I assume the person in question isn't actually Japanese here, and is instead a rape fetishist.. I've decided to press on regardless.

We can't go round apologising and retracting pieces now can we?

Course not, how preposterous.

Fuelling the race debate : Japan

I must offer my warmest congrats to the Ravman for bringin up this topic, and similarly reprimand him for dancing around this issue in a rather gay fashion, as if t'were a maypole.

Its time to bring out the big guns.

First off, I'm tackling the Japan issue, this is because these are the best people to use as an example to prove that most racism has at least some grounding in fact, after all there is no smoke without fire.

I've had to keep my research for this piece enitrely internet based, due to financial constraints and personal taste, for instance I like my fish cooked, my seaweed in the sea, my dogs on a leash and not in a bap, and my womenfolk un-raped.

Like most people, I've always been interested in that zany Japanese culture, but it doesn't take much searching under thge surface to see its got a pretty fucking dark underbelly.

So let's backtrack alittle to one of my more controversial broad generalisations about these industrious little chaps, Rape. Rape is far and away one of the most horrible and unacceptable of crimes, yet our friends in Japan have a very liberal attitude to it. A small scouring of the inter-ma-web brings up numerous reports of the police failing to be bothered much by a rape report, in a land that invented the humiliation ritual of Bukkake, this is where men [or samurais back in the day] would punish women my forcing them to their knees and as a group, proceed to masturbate onto the poor ladies face.. all 90-odd of them.

If you google bukkake, this is what you get, if it helps you figure out my explanation;

Then we move onto the inclusion of these themes in Japans ultimate cultural icons, Comic books and video games. A popular coin slot arcade game amongst young women and men alike is; "Battle Raper II", where as you may imagine, the aim of the game is to beat your female opponent to within an inch of her life, tear off her clothing and have your wicked way without her explicit conesnt.. lovely. Kids actually get this game for christmas for fucks sake.

Then we get onto comic books, this particular publication has such a widespread impact that sex attacks became common enough on the tokyo subway system that women only carriages had to be implemented to stem the tide. Japan's biggest selling superhero for some years has been, you guessed it; Rape Man. I fail to see what he is for.. what possible crime, humanitarian disaster, corporate scandal or supernatural armageddon can be rectified by performing a sex assault?

I bet Batman is gutted he didn't think of that angle;

"Look everyone its Batman!"

"Oh Batman, The Joker is robbing Gotham Bank!"

"Never fear, I'm just popping down the alleyway there to pounce on a drunk teenager, that'll make him think twice!"

They even went to the trouble of making a movie;

Then, to finish this theme off nicely, there is actually a game show where the contestants must sign a legal waiver before hand, and if they lose that poor young lady gets fired down a slide and receives a real, genuine Gang-raping from a series of men at the bottom, with no legal comeback and no condoms.

So the next time someone insults the Japanese, you'll now have the common sense and knowledge to say with complete confidence that all remarks to do with them being a short, perverted race of rapists and whale munchers, is pretty much fact.

I do love noodles though.

However, joking and egg-based snacks aside, its this derogatory attitude to women, animals and life in general that sets it's people back generations, its about time their government woke up and saw there are elements of its otherwise pretty fucking awesome culture, that are unacceptbale in the modern world.

Alright kiddywinkles,

I apologise most profusely for my lack of contribution to what is otherwise a wholly acceptable work of literary steez, instigated by our lad Ben.However, I also retract my apology for the reason that I have a brilliant excuse, that being that I fucking work for a living, you dole-scrounging cunts.

I'm currently in Yorkshire, which is basically where Lancashire's excrement ends up. It's a fucking horrible place with fucking horrible people. I don't have decent access to the internet, a laundry facility or a conversation, because despite living in a room with 11 other men for the duration of this HGV course I would not voluntarily engage in verbal interaction with any of them for the simple reason that they're barely capable of stringing together coherent sentences. I fear that even spending this extended period in their vicinity has depleted my stock of grey matter.

So even now I'm being charged extortionate amounts to let you know that I'm still alive and explain why I've not been blogging. So, in retrospect, you all now owe me money to compensate me. They don't pay me enough to spend money in bloody internet cafes.

What else is happening? I don't have a bastard clue, I haven't had time to read a paper yet. I'll report when I find out.

I'm considering buying a new wallet, as my current one is in fucking tatters. It is my own fault of course, I did choose to buy a white wallet, and I made the daft mistake of getting fucking wankered and scrawling all over it in a moment of inebriated twattishness. Bollocks.

Anyway, as in all military etablishments the beer on tap is subsidised, but all tastes as if they allowed some shitting monkey to masturbate into the pipes. So I'm forced to buy unsubsidised bottled beer, which makes me right angry. And I missed Whit Monday. Fucking hell.

I'll write something actually worth reading as soon as I get regular access and I can think of a topic that allows me to get sufficiently pissed off to become amusing, without going so far as to make me want to kick myself in the face. I've seen this done, by the way, it is possible.Safe.

Good afternoon everyone

Hi all, after a couple of months of writing my blog 'Anger is a gift' only to have received a grand total of 63 views (most of them being me, checking to see if anyone else had bothered to read it) and the pitiful sum of 3 comments, I have decided to join team hardcore in their quest for knowledge. Unfortunately I have very little to contribute at this time.

Although, having read the retrosexual/metrosexual debate I would like to throw in the concept of the 'ubersexual'. I believe myself to be one of these said 'ubersexuals'. I am not now going to reel off tales of sexual promiscuity or talk about how massive my penis is, as the name may lead you to believe. Ubersexuality merely involves taking the best from both extremes of male culture.

This involves;
Exfoliating daily, using alcohol free deoderant and using aftershave balm all to keep you skin healthy. Whilst also smoking twenty cigarettes a day to utterly destroy it.

Eating healthy for most of the week; paella, green vegetables, chicken and rice, quinoa etc... And then eating generally shit when you can't be bothered to cook; crisps, takeaways etc.

Changing hairstyles and clothing according to your environment; for instance, when i go for a night out with the lads I tend to shave my hair beforehand (but not my face) and wear baggy jeans teamed with the first set of trainers I come across.
Then, when I go out on the 'pull', I style my hair (provided it has grown back) into a neat little 'fauxhawk', remove all facial hair, and sport a camp shirt with clean white trainers.

Now comes the important bit...

Altering your conversation and style of speech depending on the person to whom you are speaking. All metrosexuals know to talk to ladies about how good they look/how nice their hair is. That is good advice. And all retrosexuals know to greet bouncers with a swift headbutt. Also top advice.
The trick is to mix the two correctly; as you approach a club, drunkenly talking to a girl about hair and clothing, the bouncer isn't going to let you in. If you were to now offer said bouncer a closer look at your forehead, your ladyfriend will run a mile. To combat this, when the bouncer says 'go get some chips to sober yourself up' in a condescending manner, you go to the takeaway, get the chips as instructed, proceed back to the club and say to the guy on the door; 'Alright? Where's your fat mate? I've bought him some chips.' Thus insulting the annoying bouncer and amusing your ladyfriend. Spot on.

Using a mixture of the two contrasting cultures, you will almost certainly be able keep yourself semi-healthy, semi-popular and semi-good looking.

I'm now off to the nearest sushi restaurant for a nice meal and glass of red wine, followed by ten pints of lager and a good fight down the boozer. Catch you later.

Everyone's a little bit racist

This evening I want to talk about an issue that makes me even more hot under the collar than the Spanish sun: RACE. Even though I'm next to a fan, I'm actually sweating merely due to the risky nature of this subject matter. What if I offend a load of people and get thrown off the internet forever? Similarly, what if I sound too PC and people think I just talk a load of yellow-bellied liberal clap-trap? Someone's not gonna like it...
Well I'm going to try not to do either of those things. I just want to tell you a story of when I discovered just how confused we get about race and how I too came a cropper...



First year of uni- me and my 8 flatmates were watching a rugby match. The usual laddish banter, nothing out of the ordinary: most of the "isms" were covered. Then, suddenly, one of my housemates (who shall remain nameless- but let's call him Cecil) made a comment about one of France's black players. Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of racist comments can be sarcastic but this was different- it had pure malice within. Oswald Mosley would have probably said "Steady on old chap. That's a bit harsh". Cecil had crossed an invisible line- not the PC line but the common sense line. I must have spat out a whole mouthful of coffee along with half my cream bun as it was that bad. Take my word for it, ok?

Then the next day, we were talking about Australia, and I described Aborigines as "native Australians". Cecil chimes in: "you can't say 'native' Rav. That's racist that is."
"But yesterday you called Serge Betsen a (censored) and said he was (also censored)
"Yes, but I said that sarcastically"
I was dumbfounded. Cecil was technically right. He had abused a black guy so sarcastically and with such high-brow irony that I had failed to spot it. I had used the term "native" in total seriousness, so I was the racist one. I had to admire Cecil's cutting satire, as he moved on to other choice obervations about the gypsies, gays and Jews...

I think this shows how British attitudes towards taboos have changed. We've been through the political correctness phase and now suddenly it's ok to be racist again as long as you're making a serious point. Everyone does it and often it's satirical and really makes you think- e.g. David Brent's irrational fascination with Denzel Washington. But when does the boundary end I wonder? Is Cecil racist or just a dickhead? Am I the dickhead?

I'm just saying that if we care too much about political correctness maybe we'll ignore the real prejudices people have inside their brains! Maybe having a fear of using words like native, foreign, black and white makes us racist in itself. I just don't know...
Please tell me so that this torment may end. I'm off for a cold shower.

I think I've just opened a can of worms....we'll soon find out!

I Hate Airplanes (First Entry Time!)

Hello guys and dolls, I really did hope my first entry would be, you know, half way decent, but I just got off a stupid 13-hour flight and getting hit on by a senile Arab, so I'll take this opportunity to tell you exactly how incredibly crap it is.

If sitting on your ass for 13 hours trying to make sense of Vantage Point and eating melted teeth (they call it tapioca) sounds good, you're going to fucking love it because that's exactly what it is. And any chance at joining the mile-high club was lost when the guy next to me started watching Desperate Housewives. The only thing between me and suicide was buying out the sky mall, and I'm starting to regret getting the Kalloo baby fragrance.

Right now, I'm in Fendi Casa (furniture store) and it's exactly as pretentious as it sounds. Everyone wears Lacoste polos and carries a purse, which can only mean metrosexual uber-douches. I'm probably going to have to listen to House music for the next nine hours too.
Well, I'm off look for some German tourists to take advantage of. That usually cheers me up.
Bye then.

Freebie Friday #1

Keep your eyes peeled, because our first Freebie Friday Competition is just a few days away...

We have plenty to give away..for once. Just some of these things are;

1x T-shirt courtesy of Baltika Russian Beer
1x Trial Size Malteasers hot drink
1x Deadlite Snowboards '09 tee
1x Personal item from the bloggers

fear not, theres much, much more, but I'd hate to ruin the surprise ;)

Benji

The futures bright, the futures white..

Well, even though we've only just hit July, talk of the new European snowboard season has been flooding in. The plans of various brands, new board releases and the competition calender.

Incase your wondering, I'll be doing fuck all, but I digress,

The point of today's post is to summarise the entire massive digest of pre-season snow flavoured news in a few paragraphs. SO, here is what will happen in near chronological order, for the benefit of those who don't know..or care.

* Someone will invent a new kind of core for your board, albeit that the one they invented last season and charged £699 of your hard earned for, was supposed to be the pinnacle of technology, and plain old wood was fine for many years.

* A pro-rider will come out and claim there are no new tricks or styles to discover in snowboarding, then someone else will prove them totally wrong.

* Someone I've personally met will have an "annual-I-Know-Ben" horrific dryslope accident

* I'll promise to attain a new board, and then immeadiatly return to my 4 year old Ride Yukon thats far too big for indoor use. * Everyone with a trustfund and a name such as Bunty, will flood to the best resorts in France and proceed to ruin them on their gay skis and gay jumpsuits by tracking out all the best lines.

* The people of Scotland will attempt to maintain a serious expression while lying that Scotland is a valid Snowboard destination

* Shaun White will win the Burton European Open, with Burton Sponsorship, despite not being European. * To celebrate this, Jake Burton will buy the soul of yet another brand.

* Everyone in the world will sign for the DC snow team, until they remember that despite owning "The Mountain Lab" they are actually a skate shoe brand, and then they will join quiksilver in the "Corner of Shame" on the charges of knowing fuck all about snowboarding.

There we go, with that out the way we can forget about this circus till next year eh?

Pub anyone?

Friday..

Its all about that Friday feeling for me this week ladies and gents.

So, drop by tomorrow when we'll be having "Metro Cooking, with Benji Hardcore"

This has bad news written all over it.. you won't want to miss it.

Rough times in Retroland

I congratulate Benji on his metrosexual efforts. Follow the "Dan Hendrie Template" and you can't fail to achieve metro' nirvana.

My descent into flippant laddishness or "retrosexuality" has been very hard to stick to.
Today at the train station in Barcelona one of the staff asked me a question in Spanish that I didn't know the answer to. She started shouting in my face, attracting the attention of nearby sombreroed tourists and black-shirted fallangistas with hungry dogs that probably hadn't bitten a Commie's arse in 30 years. A retrosexual would have said "You can fuck right off" before pulling out a mace and clubbing my way to the front of the queue, along the way attracting the attentions of a small party of Swedish temptresses who "needed to be shown around town".
However, all I could manage was to put my hands out like a mime artist, do a little pirouette and mince off in the opposite direction. I took the coach in the end- run by a metrosexual coach line that brainwashed us with a Michelle Pfieffer chick-flick, and four hours of East 17. We were even given a perfumed towel at the end to dry our tears and wotnot.
The horror. The horror.

Tomorrow I need to seriously break some knuckles or I'll be in serious danger of losing this challenge. It certainly doesn't help that I feel MORE METROSEXUAL now than before. For instance, I liked the Michelle Pfieffer film as it was aspirational and pleasantly romantic. Similarly, East 17 are often misunderstood as a musical ensemble and should be regarded as a more edgy and politically-driven version of Take That, while still inkeeping with the pop ethos.

I know- I'm screwed. Ronnie Kray would not be pleased.

The Hardcore guide to the Metrosexual look

Hello there friends, let your old uncle ben take you by the hand and lead through the garden of wonders that is, Metrosexuality.

As we know, Metrosexuality is looking a bit gay, but actually being straight. We also know its for pussys, effeminite men and spice boys. Although maybe this could all be a mis-understanding of the key points, so to clear up why not journey with me now as you take a look at the shit I go through to write stuff for you all, you ungrateful bunch of bastards.

Step 1 - Look like shit, ok we've got that covered, lets move on.

Step 2 - Pick out a suitably gay shirt, wash your face and apply some flowery scented face pack. Its important to remember its just chemicals and mud, so don't spend too much.. you're still a bloke damn it! The choice of shirt is also important, gays would opt for a tight fitting shirt whereas metros and stylish guys would go for the look I have here, this is known as "The Dan Hendrie" shirt.

Step 3 - Wash off face mask, Jump in shower, change [.. again] into another suitably gay shirt and shave that man stubble away!

Step 4 - Moisturise.. like a true woman

Step 5 - Check yourself in the mirror

Step 6 - Adopt a truly annoying and smug facial expression and start teaching yoga.

There you go, now you too can adopt the Hardcore Effect Metro look, just sit back and watch the chicks and the money fly in.

Social success in 6 easy steps, enjoy!

The crazy world of pointless occupations..

I've often wondered how some people get away with filling in their official papers with some mickey mouse occupation.

There are plenty of said jobs around, ranging from the mildly pointless;
Car Park Attendent
Road Safety advisor
Integration manager
social solutions co-ordinator

Right up to the insanely daft;
Harpic expert
Lindt Master Chocolatier
Being the bloke who writes the jokes on the back of penguin bars.

Speaking of which, I have one of said jokes to hand now, brace yourselves;
Q. Why can't penguins fly?
A. Because they don't have any money for plane tickets.

Genius. I bet you'd all love to go for a drink with that guy, he'd have you in stitches. I'm sure his kids are proud of him and his wife in no way, sleeps with other men, such as the slightly funnier Christmas cracker bloke.

People say you can tell alot about a man by his watch, or his friends, but really what we read into most of all is occupation. I once heard somewhere that if someone were to tell you they were a painter, you'd be impressed and rightly so, but add to that the skill of decorating, and somehow the magic is lost.

Women would rather date Dave from accounts, than Jeff, the fat bloke from the kebab shop. Dave inturn would be usurped by Gavin, an archtiect, who would lose out to Ken, the aerodynamicist. Its a fact of life I guess.

So with all that in mind, I'm off for a facial scrub, because top of the social heap again are metrosexual-types. Before you know it, this blog will be defunct and I'll be surrounded by poncy, arty new mates in an organic juice bar after a [not-so] hard day designing a rich arab's palace.

The Hardcore Effect World Club Championship

Some of you may or may not know, but I'm currently Beta Testing, Football Manager Live.. oh yes! I'm not going to waffle on, but I will say this; its exactly as good as YOU think it is.

So while I'm having a riotous laugh playing a highly anticipated game, months before most other people, I decided to do something constructive.

So I've founded the inaugural Hardcore Effect World Club Championship.

Of course, I'll keep you informed of the happenings.

Formula one and fried cheese...

Retrosexual life is going swimmingly. Today I went for a morning run in 33 degree heat to prove my manhood. I think I did quite well until I realised that I was no longer running but was lying in a ditch laughing insanely to myself and talking to a purple llama. This was followed by a cold shower and study of Spanish FHM in front of the Grand Prix. There's been a lot of talk about how to make motorsport more interesting- my own suggestions include each car carrying a box of sexually-frustrated minks that must be unleashed into the cockpit for the final ten laps. Sure, Lewis Hamilton can drive, but mink pacification is surely the ultimate test for an athlete. Lunch was bacon and fried cheese. Nice.

A brief outline of retrosexual activities planned for this week:
- no more shaving. Rambo didn't have Gillette and I seem to have misplaced my machete so I'll have to make do
- a quest to find the largest steak known to man and devour it with ease
-an investigation into bullfighting- Spain's answer to badger baiting (but still allowed)
-a pilgrimage to the Nou Camp in Barcelona; surely the mecca of retrosexuality

Retrosexual phrases to adopt and use every 10 minutes:
"At the end of the day..."
"Where's your fuckin common sense?"
"What the fook are you looking at?"
"Yeeeeeaaaaaah mate"
"Listen dis, listen dis. Who gets the best healthcare these days- a paedophile, an immigrant, or a tax-paying smoker? The answer will suprise you my friend..."

New blogger time

Ravi and I have put on our best suits and watched our language all day, because we have a lady present everyone.

We figured that all our over-the-top chauvenism, whilst hilarious, was a little one-sided so we've decided to pick a fight with 5ft high Canadian girl.

A female perspective and a short-person perspective cover that huge gap in our market we've always had, and we were impressed by the intelligence of her banter with us during our Euro 2008 campaign.

We're sure you'll love her writing and her adorable fairy-like features, so without rambling on much longer, please welcome Kabbyo!

The dawning of the age of the metro.

Apologies for not getting back in time to update again yesterday but I had yoga, then pilates, then we went to a fairtrade wheatgrass bar, then I had to come home and apply my afternoon cream, my early evening cream, my evening cream and my night cream.

One thing I've noticed for sure is that all this taking care of yourself takes a bloody long time, how people do it all the time I'll never know. Everything is "Rub in and leave for 40 minutes", there are only so many 40 minutes in the day where you can sit without moving your face.

However, there has been an interesting development, since I started this experiment I have come into some money.. twice and I've been asked to attend a selection test for a job with much better pay and prospects, so maybe it's all worth it after all.

Other things have happend too, I've started to appreciate Eddie Izzard and the benefits of a tidy kitchen. It turns out I don't mind gay men so much, as long as they don't touch me and I feel less inclined to hang myself whenever Gok Wan is on tv.

This isn't to say the experience has got any easier, warehouse work and hand cream don't mix and avoiding additives in my food is proving near impossible on the budget I have and weirdly while I figured that would be the area I would expect to see the most improvement, I feel no better. I may just go out and drink a whole 24 pack of coca-cola now, Id least then I'd have some energy.

I've been moving so slowly, people have started thinking I've had an aneurysm, no wonder the cavaliers lost to the roundheads, their limp wristed swordsmanship was a recipe for disaster and silken cloth and a fancy hat, while the height of style, don't quite off the same protection as say, armour might.

The metro movement is no use for so many important tasks, but luckily we live in the modern age where appearance is everything and I feel I could just win this challenge.

A Retrosexual history part 2

I've already suggested that ancient history was dominated by a conflict between retrosexuals (today's chavs, lads, jocks etc) and metrosexuals (people like Benji). So to recap- the Greeks invented metrosexualism, before the Romans walloped them in a retrosexual bloodbath. In turn, the Goths rebelled against Rome's increasing penchant for organic food, manbags and exfoliation...

In medieval times, retrosexuals certainly dominated. The only metrosexuals were the knights, who prided themselves on their shiny armour, pretty horses and enormous codpieces. Their nemesis was the lowly, retrosexual peasantry who battled them with pikes while the knights preferred labour saving devices like the mace. Longbows were eventually the key weapon that drove knights like Simon de Montfort and Simon Le Bon into the history books. The Crusades for example were always won by the saracens because the crusaders tended to bring extensive stocks of handcream to the Holy Land, at the expense of food and water, hoping to find enough Falafel and low-gluten kebabs in Jerusalem...

In Tudor times, metrosexuals had a hard time as they were weighed down by frilly ruff collars. Some were so big and heavy from starch that the first person to walk over a cattle grid whilst wearing one met a very sticky end indeed....

Soon afterwards, the English Civil War represented a fresh triumph for the retrosexuals, as the laddish roundheads overcame the vain, shallow cavaliers and the invention of Tony & Guy was delayed for around 400 years. Similarly, the red-coated English were beaten by the more sombrely dressed, racoon-roasting Americans. The Yanks also rejected weedy tea in favour of cocksure coffee. The joke was on them though- they would go on to invent Starbucks- the home of the tall flat white decaf mocaccinamericanio- the staple drink of the metrosexual. They Americans would also give us Will & Grace, which would give metrosexuals an excuse to laugh at gay people without feeling guilty about it...

Metrosexual dominance returned with the Renaissance, as it became cool to talk about emotions and to have orgies again. This ended however, as the Industrial Revolution emerged and brought us mass production of scotch eggs, guns and fast cars. Metrosexuals would have to wait until the 1980s to return to the scene but lad culture arrived hot on its heels and it was Carling, not Gin Fizz that became the national drink. Today the conflict is led by:
Gordon Ramsay vs Ainsley Harriot
Alan Sugar vs Simon Cowell
Wayne Rooney vs David Beckham
Prince Harry vs Prince Andrew
Retrosexual Ravi vs Metrosexual Benji

Who will emerge victorious in this cultural battle? Do we even care? All will be answered this month...

The team is complete..

Keep your eyes peeled and put your best tie on, tomorrow we'll be announcing the final edition to our already world class team.

See you later tonight for some more hot blogging action,
toodles

Throw Pillows and Flowers

The main problem with my part of the challenge so far is that trying to get in touch with my feminine side is tough when I don't seem to have one.

This morning I caught part of some obscure movie and all the while I was mentally baying; "Punch him! Punch him in his stupid face!" at the film's hero, whilst a small part of me knew this was unlikely as said hero was a 4'9" woman in tears and a dress.

This requires remedial action if I am to be successful, so we're borrowing a copy of "P.S.I love you" from Laura at work, who told me today that she cried beginning to end at this film in the cinema to the extent it actually embarrased her sister. This will either break me or prove I am infact in possesion of the worlds coldest and blackest of hearts.

I also took time out to read some women's magazines because we don't typically keep a backstock of "Gay Times" on the coffee table. I consider it an insult to my ass that I had to sit on it and read this pathetic, misguided, shallow and stupid schoolgirl crap. How women eat this stuff up I'll never know. "Jordan says; Come and see my new loft extension", "Lose 12lbs in 15 minutes" and a personal favourite- "Change your man in 3 months"

There are so many blatant lies in this magazine that I'm not going to even scratch the surface but let me share with you two nuggets of wisdom, from a man so you know they're accurate.
1- You can never really change a man, you can just get him to tolerate playing by your rules.
2- His friends will never TRULY like you, when you're around the whole dynamic of the group changes.. The jokes, the conversations, the venues and the atmosphere change, as does your bloke. His mates don't like it, and so they probably don't like you. The only exception to this rule I've found, and thus it is the exception that proves the rule, is Mrs. v1.0. Either way this is ok, another thing these magazines omit to tell you is its OK that not everyone will like you.

So, with this experience out of the way I set off to work, attempting to contemplate why flowers are so great and the point of throw pillows. I found an answer to neither, Imust need more moisturiser.

Retrosexuals in history

Before I jet off to Spain- surely a retrosexual utopia, with its bullfighting, galleons and big steaks, I thought it would be useful to look at the very first retrosexuals and what made them tick.

It seems that the Ancient Greeks were pretty liberal about sexual roles and norms. Jean Claude Van Damme and Vin Diesel could well have been lovers in fact, and no one down the Dog & Duck would have minded. Alexander the Great, surely the embodiment of a retrosexual, was renowned as a great lover of both men and women. Anyone who's seen The 300 might also know that facing certain death from the oncoming Persians, a small army of Spartans spent their final days oiling themselves and styling their hair in order to look good for the big day. It seems in those days, the metrosexual was king...

In ancient Rome, the first true retrosexuals begin to emerge. Sexual ambiguity was denounced as unnaturally Greek, yet orgies, fine fashions and male vanity were rife. In Gladiator, Maximus hates Commodus partly because he killed his wife and kids, but also because he takes too long in the bathroom in the morning. The Romans gave us roads, stadiums and catapults- very useful tools indeed for the retrosexual. Without the Romans, Jeremy Clarkson couldn't speed around the Cotsworlds cursing foreigners, Eric Cantona wouldn't have kung-fued that cheeky cockney and Dennis the Menace wouldn't be able to hit Pie Face with rocks from afar.

But then the Goths came and it all gets a bit complicated. Maybe eating home-made pasta, bathing once a week and having orgies was a little too metrosexual for those Germanic fellows to take. Suddenly retrosexuality is undercut by a new trend, and it all gets a bit confusing until someone invents chain mail and codpieces and the whole cycles starts again.

But that's history I suppose. It's all about the codpieces...

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Time for Testosterone!

I hereby accept Benji's macho-versus-metro challenge. But it's not enough simply carrying on with male stuff like jumpers for goalposts, scotch eggs and real ale. I need to up the ante...

Therefore I, my friends, will attempt to become a RETROSEXUAL- in the mold of Wayne Rooney, Ray Winston and Vinny Jones. It's the only way to properly see if Benji's theory is true or not. Several lifestyle changes will be effected ASAP.

-a nice short marine-style haircut and cold showers every morning

-got to start doing weights in the garage while listening to uberheavy metal. Henceforth, my muscles shall be called "my guns"

-no aftershave, only Slazenger Sport deodorant

-I will develop an unhealthy interest in carburretors

-I will begin attending masculine activities like badger-baiting, bullfighting and car shows

-I will start bragging about wounds if I get them

-Rather than worrying about stuff I will start DEALING WITH SHIT!

Any other lifestyle changing suggestions are welcome. If in a month I have clogged arteries, no cash and no mates then Benji's theory will have been proven right. Game on nancy boy!

I enjoyed Euro 2008 so much...

That I've decided to give up on English football altogether.

So, I'll be following a team from a nation with one of the lowest instances of football violence in Europe, the permanently stoned/drunk, ever fun, Dutch.

I'll be adopting PSV Eindhoven, who I've always like so it won't be so bad.

A bonus here is, I have an Aunt who lives in Amsterdam, so I may even get to see a game or two and fill you all in on the beauty of the Dutch game. It won't be like my 17th birthday where she insisted she was going to show me round the red-light district, I swear I'll do some proper writing and everything.

I wonder if Ravi will give up on his beloved but crap, Coventry City?..

The All-New Hardcore Challenge

As you know, we fucking love testing out theories and proving science wrong. This week I read that gay guys and metro sexuals are healthier, wealthier and more successful than us proper blokes.

This cannot stand, surely a few lifestyle changes can't have such a large effect on anyones life, so in usual style and to save you bothering we'll embark to find out if and why this fact is true, possibly.

Now I know what you're thinking; "Benji, you can't be gay, you can't grow a handlebar moustache for one thing" - This is true, but I can adopt some of the alarmingly feminine habits these guys use in the push for social success.
So, for this challenge Ravi shall continue living in our usual manly fashion, he'll be hitting things in the face, lighting fires for no real reason, shaving with a machete and having 3 portions of meat in every meal.


I will be.. eurgh.. "Taking care of myself", listening to pop music, watching chick flicks, attempting to cry at least twice a day, spend my weekends in primark with a load of girls, eating home-made healthy food and trying to learn what style is.

The challenge lasts until the 1st of August, whereupon I will be in KFC and the pub have a drunken fight quicker than you can say "What the hell are you looking at?".

The challenge started yesterday for me, first with the removal of all that stubble and then with something called ex-fol-i-at-ing, this is basically where, for no reason I can think of, you rub a tube of this stuff on your face which feels like your being attacked with a belt sander.. well until Mrs. Hardcore pointed out I was being a bit rough and should try and be "softer".. which is what this is all about.

Then, I was attacked with a moisturiser and watched a trailer for "Mamma Mia!"

Mrs. Hardcore approved of the new, softer, altogether less hardcore version of me. I didn't. No matter how nice I smell or how soft my face is I still want to see something explode and I still want a curry. To summarise this is going to be difficult, but it may all be worth it when my wages double and I get a new apartment, lets see.

The Pakistan Spectator meets.. The Hardcore Effect

Would you please tell us something about you and your site?

Benji Hardcore: Well, I'm basically a failure of a musician with too much time on his hands and a big mouth. The site has been going in one form or another since 2003 but we didn't really get noticed until I got Ravi on-side, I was immediately a big fan of his writing.

Ravi Hensman: I don't get much of a chance to be creative in my uni work so the blog is a great creative outlet. I've always enjoyed writing about anything that interests me, so if I can fashion a career out of it in future, I'll be very happy indeed. Our site is a sounding-board for our random thoughts and anyone is welcome to contribute.

Do you feel that you continue to grow in your writing the longer you write? Why is that important to you?

Benji: Of course, Theres a constant challenge to keep coming up with new subject matter and fresh features, we don't want to be covering old ground or recycling material and opinions at any stage. We update everyday so this is something we like to plan in advance for, we usually converse over facebook some time in advance of a piece and its a constant process of editing and amending until we're happy.

Ravi: I think that when you write your style is constantly evolving. Maybe you learn from others, or or you just become more articulate with time. It'll be great to look back in a few years and see if my style's changed significantly.

I'm wondering what some of your memorable experiences are with blogging?

Benji: Becoming Swedish was pretty special, we adopted team and their cultures for the European football championships and wrote from our experiences. I became addicted to Kopparberg and listened to more ABBA than is probably healthy for a grown man. Changing my name stands out also. I try to enjoy my writing so I love to arrange little challenges and experiences, if I'm interested the readers will be too.

Ravi: I tried to use tarot cards to predict football results but that didn't work too well. I interviewed the barman in my favourite pub too, which was fun and we got a great response. However, I'd like to think the best experiences are still yet to come...

What do you do in order to keep up your communication with other bloggers?

Ben: We don't really, many bloggers don't take us seriously because of our humorous content and high rates of instances where we have offended people, we get quite a few complaints and I enjoy that because it means people are actually thinking and not just reading. Some times we exaggerate but its to provoke a reaction from people who normally cruise through life on autopilot, my writing alias is basically a cartoon character. Benji Hardcore is a million miles from Ben Williamson. All this can mean we receive a mostly cold reception from other writiers, many take themselves far too seriously.

Ravi: I don't have a writing alias as such in the same way as Ben. The Ravi in the blog is very much the real me and I leave most of the hardcore stuff to him. In that way we complement each other well. He can wax lyrical about social malaise and I can just talk about scotch eggs.

What do you think is the most exciting or most innovative use of technology in politics right now?

Benji: I couldn't say. I'd really like to taser Robert Mugabe though.

Ravi: I wouldn't call it exciting, but Boris Johnson's blog for the London mayoral election was a good ploy. Barack Obama's website is also a stroke of genius as it's allowed him to raise millions of dollars from web donations. However, that's not to say this use of technology is a good thing. At the end of the day, it's just about winning votes...

Do you think that these new technologies are effective in making people more responsive?

Benji: I'm sure he'd respond to that kind of voltage, yes.

Ravi: Well, Boris Johnson is now London mayor and Obama's election funds are seemingly bottomless. I just hope that new web technologies will equally be used to actually make the world a better place to live in, rather than just for electioneering.

What do you think sets Your site apart from others?

Ben: Its the fact that we don't bind ourselves with political correctness or a main theme, it means we're free to write what we want, when we want, how we want. We're not offensive for the sake of being offensive because that is pointless and stupid, we just like to provoke thinking out of the box.

Ravi: our sports analysis is second only to the work of Jimmy Hill.

If you could choose one characteristic you have that brought you success in life, what would it be?

Ben: A sense of humour, you have to laugh.

Ravi: Generally trying to be a nice chap (most of the time)

What was the happiest and gloomiest moment of your life?

Benji: The best moment, if I exclude the normal things people would say would probably be my first gig with my oldest friends at our high school. We covered Nirvana, we were awful but the buzz was amazing! The worst involves a sheep, alot of beer and some ice cubes.. I should probably stop there.

Ravi: The happiest moments for me just seem to involve simple pleasures like spending time with family and friends. I'm an eternal optimist so I try not to dwell on the gloomy times.

If you could pick a travel destination, anywhere in the world, with no worries about how it's paid for - what would your top 3 choices be?

Benji: Stockholm, Sweden would top that list, we're going there on the Hardcore tour this November, its such a stylish city but it isn't so stylish as to alienate people, its a warm and welcoming city with plenty of fun to be had. I'd also love to go to Tokyo and Morecambe.. to see if its still as terrible as I recall.

Ravi: 1. New York 2. Berlin 3. Coventry (I've lived away from the UK for a year so it'll be nice to spend some time at home this summer)

What is your favourite book and why?

Benji: The Hungry Caterpillar. Its a classic, easy to read under the influence of beer and has a truly happy ending, thats rare these days.

Ravi: 1984, closely followed by Go Dog Go.

What's the first thing you notice about a person (whether you know them or not)?

Benji: Stance, most people expect you to say eyes, but how someone stands or walks reveals quite alot about them I think.

Ravi: Hairstyle- not that I'm in a position to judge though.

Is there anyone from your past that once told you couldn't write?

Benji: Just about everyone I've ever met!

Ravi: No, but I was told that I throw like a girl.

How bloggers can benefit from blogs financially?

Benji: I'm not sure, we've found it near impossible but companies are reluctant to form relationships with us due to our content, plus I feel it would compromise our integrity and before you know it we'd be writing about the benefits of filtered water or something. I'd love to take The Hardcore Effect to a wide audience and get paid to do so, but it probably won't happen with out us having to change our methods.

Ravi: Ben first asked me to contribute to the blog after reading my Facebook notes. In turn, there's always a chance someone will like what they see on the blog and ask us to lend our writing "skills" to something else. It's like networking I suppose and it could lead into money-making opportunities that way- if that's what you're in it for.

Is it true that who has a successful blog has an awful lot of time on their hands?

Benji: Possibly, I still work a full 40 hour week as well as writing and sometimes its tough, some blogs just pump out articles for the sake of writing them, but like I said we take great pride in our work and after a full day's work it can be a real pain having to work on a piece and check through it all, its rewarding though.

Ravi: I also work 9 to 5 but if you're inspired, blog article needn't take a long time to write. It's a bit like keeping a diary, except millions of people could potentially see it!

What role can bloggers of the world play to make this world more friendlier and less hostile?

Benji: We live in an age where I consider it unacceptable to discriminate against anyone, we do it on the blog to prove a point but we're actually very liberal and tolerant individuals. I think bloggers need to set aside personal predjudices and focus on some positive things to conteract all the negative things we hear about. When we wrote about our problems with advising young women to have plastic surgery we didn't just tear into celebrity culture, we made a point of saying that every young woman is beautiful just the way they are. Theres no shame in trying to look good, but surgery is a bit too far.

Ravi: In a lot of blog articles, you'll be putting out an opinion for people to respond to. In this way they can evoke debate and encourage contact between people who would otherwise never "meet". It all helps to make you realise that the chap sitting at his computer in Singapore or Cairo may live far away but you still have plenty in common.

Who are your top five favourite bloggers?

Benji: I don't have a top 5 as such, but I love the S-Spot, because they talk candidly about adult issues without any taboos or stigma, it's refreshing.

Ravi: I tend to search for blogs by topic rather than sticking with the same one. Everyone has an equally interesting story to tell in their own way.

Is there one observation or column or post that has gotten the most powerful reaction from people?

Benji: Plenty! we get alot of feedback, most of it very, very good! I think my piece on the Germans being sore losers or Ravi's casino sting gained the most positive feedback. My Euro 2008 final piece from yesterday got the most complaints to my knowledge.

Ravi: I provoked an international incident when I mispelled 'bratwurst'. That's about all I think.

What is your perception about Pakistan and its people?

Benji: I'd love to visit, you could teach me how to play cricket properly! I think its great that you show a lot more tolerance to the west than some of your neighbours. We're not all bad people!

Ravi: I've visited Sri Lanka a few times as that's where my dad's from. I'd imagine that Pakistani people share a lot of the qualities of Sri Lankans- generosity, hospitality and friendliness. Pakistan is definitely a country I'd like to learn more about.

Have you ever become stunned by the uniqueness of any blogger?

Benji: Ravi, as I said his writing always impresses me.

Ravi: that's very kind Ben. I'm always stunned when bloggers bare their souls and talk about deeply personal things. The openness of some people is astounding.

What is the most striking difference between a developed country and a developing country?

Benji: Ravi noticed that they have much better access to scotch eggs than he does in France. Generally though I can't really say as the nearest I've come to a developing country is Poland. I think its time we took action though, theres enough food and resources for all and its about time they were shared fairly.

Ravi: There's the visible difference- which people tend to notice first. There's also the invisible difference which is probably more striking. People tend to have a different mentality. In the UK people complain about working 9 to 5 or not being able to afford a HD TV. In Sri Lanka people can have next to nothing, yet they still seem contented and not at all resentful.

What is the future of blogging?

Benji: Us. I say things like that. everyone should love themselves, I just lead by example!

Ravi: I think it will become gradually more commercialised as companies recognise it as a useful marketing tool.

You have also got a blogging life, how has it directly affected both your personal and professional life?

Benji: Mrs. Hardcore often complains that I spend too much time working on the blog, its a labour of love so although it interferes with my plans alot I don't mind too much. I spend my whole working day mentally composing articles and I can't descide if thats great or the mark of a very sad man.

Ravi: one key difference is that I'm more likely to do random things if I think it would make a good article. In that way in can make life more eventful. So when Ben told me to go to Stockholm with him for a weekend of reviewing bars and general Scandinavian frolicks, I said yes.

What are your future plans?

Benji: To keep writing until the whole world gets our message and there is peace, reason and logic the whole world over. Then I'd develop an attention defecit and lie about being terminally deficent in chocolate chip cookies and have the nation rally round to keep me in packets of Maryland and Swedish cider.

Ravi: in the short term, return home to England, eat some scotch eggs and finish university. Beyond that, who knows...

Any Message you want to give to the readers of The Pakistani Spectator?

Know that we love you, thats right, all of you and go in peace.