Alright kiddywinkles,

I apologise most profusely for my lack of contribution to what is otherwise a wholly acceptable work of literary steez, instigated by our lad Ben.However, I also retract my apology for the reason that I have a brilliant excuse, that being that I fucking work for a living, you dole-scrounging cunts.

I'm currently in Yorkshire, which is basically where Lancashire's excrement ends up. It's a fucking horrible place with fucking horrible people. I don't have decent access to the internet, a laundry facility or a conversation, because despite living in a room with 11 other men for the duration of this HGV course I would not voluntarily engage in verbal interaction with any of them for the simple reason that they're barely capable of stringing together coherent sentences. I fear that even spending this extended period in their vicinity has depleted my stock of grey matter.

So even now I'm being charged extortionate amounts to let you know that I'm still alive and explain why I've not been blogging. So, in retrospect, you all now owe me money to compensate me. They don't pay me enough to spend money in bloody internet cafes.

What else is happening? I don't have a bastard clue, I haven't had time to read a paper yet. I'll report when I find out.

I'm considering buying a new wallet, as my current one is in fucking tatters. It is my own fault of course, I did choose to buy a white wallet, and I made the daft mistake of getting fucking wankered and scrawling all over it in a moment of inebriated twattishness. Bollocks.

Anyway, as in all military etablishments the beer on tap is subsidised, but all tastes as if they allowed some shitting monkey to masturbate into the pipes. So I'm forced to buy unsubsidised bottled beer, which makes me right angry. And I missed Whit Monday. Fucking hell.

I'll write something actually worth reading as soon as I get regular access and I can think of a topic that allows me to get sufficiently pissed off to become amusing, without going so far as to make me want to kick myself in the face. I've seen this done, by the way, it is possible.Safe.