A Retrosexual history part 2

I've already suggested that ancient history was dominated by a conflict between retrosexuals (today's chavs, lads, jocks etc) and metrosexuals (people like Benji). So to recap- the Greeks invented metrosexualism, before the Romans walloped them in a retrosexual bloodbath. In turn, the Goths rebelled against Rome's increasing penchant for organic food, manbags and exfoliation...

In medieval times, retrosexuals certainly dominated. The only metrosexuals were the knights, who prided themselves on their shiny armour, pretty horses and enormous codpieces. Their nemesis was the lowly, retrosexual peasantry who battled them with pikes while the knights preferred labour saving devices like the mace. Longbows were eventually the key weapon that drove knights like Simon de Montfort and Simon Le Bon into the history books. The Crusades for example were always won by the saracens because the crusaders tended to bring extensive stocks of handcream to the Holy Land, at the expense of food and water, hoping to find enough Falafel and low-gluten kebabs in Jerusalem...

In Tudor times, metrosexuals had a hard time as they were weighed down by frilly ruff collars. Some were so big and heavy from starch that the first person to walk over a cattle grid whilst wearing one met a very sticky end indeed....

Soon afterwards, the English Civil War represented a fresh triumph for the retrosexuals, as the laddish roundheads overcame the vain, shallow cavaliers and the invention of Tony & Guy was delayed for around 400 years. Similarly, the red-coated English were beaten by the more sombrely dressed, racoon-roasting Americans. The Yanks also rejected weedy tea in favour of cocksure coffee. The joke was on them though- they would go on to invent Starbucks- the home of the tall flat white decaf mocaccinamericanio- the staple drink of the metrosexual. They Americans would also give us Will & Grace, which would give metrosexuals an excuse to laugh at gay people without feeling guilty about it...

Metrosexual dominance returned with the Renaissance, as it became cool to talk about emotions and to have orgies again. This ended however, as the Industrial Revolution emerged and brought us mass production of scotch eggs, guns and fast cars. Metrosexuals would have to wait until the 1980s to return to the scene but lad culture arrived hot on its heels and it was Carling, not Gin Fizz that became the national drink. Today the conflict is led by:
Gordon Ramsay vs Ainsley Harriot
Alan Sugar vs Simon Cowell
Wayne Rooney vs David Beckham
Prince Harry vs Prince Andrew
Retrosexual Ravi vs Metrosexual Benji

Who will emerge victorious in this cultural battle? Do we even care? All will be answered this month...