Retrosexual music review

Today I'm going to review a well known single with a laddish retrosexual twist. I've chosen one that I might be a little biased about as I'm forced to listen to it 47 times a day on the radio:I'm speaking of course about Viva La Vida by Coldplay. In the style of method acting I shall assume the persona of a retrosexual...

Intro-pile of shite. Silly strings like I'm meant to be excited about something. I should coco... Unless it's about a sale at Kwik Fit, I doubt I'll give a toss sunshine...

Eyupp. The lyrics read like a lament from General Franco: The Musical. Have you been watching too much Evita, Chris Martin? Are we meant to feel sorry for this deposed fascist fella? Are we meant to feel sorry for your daughter cos she's named after a fruit? Oh right-throw in a couple of Bible references like you're an intellectual. You pretentious slaaag. I'll out-quote you on Genesis any day mate...with my sledge hammer.

At the end of the day right, Chris Martin's approach to music is this: "I'll sing any song you want lads, as long as I get to howl like a rabid wolf towards the end. Arrroooooooooooooooooo....."

What a fuckin disgrace. And what the hell is a Roman Cavalry Choir? At least the Romans knew when to call it a day - you've made 4 albums too many squire.

"That was when I ruled the world" croons Chris like a begrudged waiter who's received a crap tip. Maybe Mussolini was a sad fella when they said he couldn't do fascism any more. Like I give a toss. Don't come to me crying. By the way, those black shirts make you look like a nonce. Am I talking to Chris Martin or Mussolini?! Shit can't remember. Anyway Top Gear's on so shut the fuck up...