Downfall

I suppose the time has come for me to eat humble pie. Schweini played his little arse off, Jens Lehmann managed to avoid the albatross that was circling menacingly around the stadium and even Mario Lopez managed to actually kick the ball. In the end however, as it wasn't enough as the steroid-enhanced Spanish ground them down with Jedi mind tricks from Luis Aragones and attritional football- how very German of them. A strange atmosphere in the bar afterwards- lairy spaniards clashed with embittered mulleted mensch. I even remember a livid au pair biting me at one stage...

However, let's not worry about the might-have-beens. My German cultural immersion has gifted me many fun experiences-

- I savoured the wonders of sauerkraut

- I made some German mates, and one even let me wear his hat

- I'll never be without a sunlounger again

- I now speak better German than Mario Lopez

- The tournament actually meant something- now surely that makes it more than worth it. Better than moping around like Alan Shearer.

So as the sun sets on the German adventure and my facebook name returns to normal I have to ask a favour of the England football team. Could you possibly fail to qualify for the world cup too?

Just think, several continents to choose from and so many more countries to adopt. Togolese lessons anyone?

Bloggers Choice Awards 2008

Thanks very much to whoever it was that put our names forward, and now it'd be rude not to ask you to vote for us!

We're nominated in no less than four categories.

Best Blog Of All Time
Best Blog About Stuff
Hottest Daddy Blogger(s)
Most Obnoxius Blogger(s)

you can vote for us in any category by searching for the word 'Hardcore' in the top search bar over at; http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/

Ta very much! We'll be sure to write extra good stuff over the coming weeks to ensure victory is ours!

The Final..

Today is final day! For many of you who have been giving me your feedback, this is great news because your sick to death of our football coverage, for others its a time of sadness, for us its a pain in the arse as we scramble around trying to find subject material to fill Euro 2008's massive void.

Aside from bothering Phil Tuffnell on 5 live as he tries to analyse a cricket game, we have a lot of work to do.

My pre-match round up yesterday received mixed reactions, "genius!" said some, on the other hand one particuarly adept, but angry Spaniard intelligently noticed my choice use cultural errors in the piece, then ruined it all by using the phrase "Ignorant Cunt", which is the wording of choice for people the world over who can't compose an equally eloquent reposte. This wouldn't be hard to do either as;
a) I'm English, and theres plenty to have a go at there.
b) We didn't qualify for the football
c) I have stupid ears, again plenty to mock

Apologies for the slap-dash approach to today's installment but you oviously understand the exceptional circumstances, normal service will resume tomorrow, enjoy the game, because if I'm not mistaken.. it's beer o'clock. cheers.

Happy Birthday Mr. & Mrs. v1.0

In spite of today's sad news, good news prevails and we'd all like to wish both Mike and Helena very happy respective birthdays [today and yesterday], much love.

In Memory of William "Bill" Blackburn 25/3/34 - 29/6/08

Today's Hardcore Effect is in loving memory of my Grandfather who passed away at 3pm today with us all at his bedside. He was a great man, who was known to many as a bit of a joker and all round good bloke.

He died peacefully, with dignity and without pain while still in firm possesion of all his marbles, and no-one can really ask for better than that.

A combination of fluid on the lungs, previously undetected cancer and heart failure were the causes, he joins his wife Dorothy (my Grandmother) who died 4 years previously.

but let us not dwell, thats not what he was about, and so let's see whats in store for you today, you lucky, lucky bastards.

A word on the footy

Just a quick one. I'll be getting on the beers nice and early tomorrow to bring you the epic final of Euro 2008 live and direct from the continent that is it taking place on. So confident am I of Germany's victory that I've dispensed with pre-match analysis in order to write a special exclusive feature on Scotch Eggs with celebrity guests. See below...

The Phil Tufnell Scotch Egg Saga

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm sure the guy who invented that proverb was referring to some iconic British food that he missed so dearly following his transportation to Australia for stealing a dishcloth. I'm starting to see what he's talking about- you walk into a Paris bakery and ask for a steak and bean melt and they give you a limp quiche. It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy.




So imagine my horror today when I turned onto 5 live to check the cricket score. Phil Tufnell (former not-very-good England cricketer and professional duffer) commentating in his usual ageing-Essex-boy way, tempted me repeatedly with -

"Those pork pies were lovely. Can we get some more brought up?"

"I'm quite partial to Scotch eggs, especially the mini ones."

Tuffers you dick! He was really rubbing my nose in it. I sent a polite but angry message to the BBC, not knowing it would start a global pork pie movement. See below.

"I really wish Phil Tufnell would stop talking about pork pies. I live in France and I haven't had a pork pie or scotch egg since Christmas. The Cornish Pasty quotient is also very low. This is becoming a problem. Please make the dickhead shut up"

Ravi, eating foul steak tartare in Paris, in the TMS inbox

This mail was published on the cricket commentary page. What followed was a veritable cascade of comments. Check it out:

"Despite living in Egypt we can get pork pies and scotch eggs thanks to an English pork butcher... agree that pasties are thin on the ground though" - Jane, Sharm El Sheikh

"Ravi, I live in Oman. Yesterday, I had a cornish pasty, mushy peas, onion gravy and pickled red cabbage. It was wonderful. I understand your problem" - Ian Rostron, Oman

This was really rubbing it in. Who on earth exports mushy peas to Oman?! But it wasn't over.

"Pour Ravi in Paris, I'm the only English butcher in France (near Magny-Cours). I make English sausage, bacon, pork pies and am a Cornishman so guess what we had pasties for lunch, come on England et je suis desolé Ravi bon fin journé" - Simon Lentern, Le Veurdre

Even Tuffers himself offered some moral guidance:

This is where you need a cool head - you mustn't panic" Phil Tufnell on TMS

That's easy for you to say Phil, you arsehole. The comments continued:

"We get Pork Pies here in Bermuda, albeit shipped in and indeed jolly expensive, but worth it. Scotch eggs a little harder to come by"Peter Coleman in the TMS inbox

"When I return to the UK, the first meal my mum makes for me is a salad with pork pie, scotch egg and sausage rolls! She once collected me from the airport and bought the food in a cooler so I could munch happily in the back of the car on the way home. Does anyone know where to get this glorious food in The States?"Steve, Groton CT, USA, in the TMS inbox

Someone had even been swotting up on Wikipedia

"In the United States, many so-called "English-style" pubs and eateries serve fresh-made scotch eggs. These are usually served hot, with dipping sauces such as ranch dressing, hot sauce, or hot mustard sauce. At the Minnesota State Fair, true to fair tradition, scotch eggs are served on a stick"INTERNET LINK: Scotch Eggs on Wikipedia

"Pork pies are certainly not available here in Istanbul but other pork goods are. The only problem being that the mother-in-law will not let them anywhere near the house, let alone the frying pan. So close yet so far away. Agonising. Bit like watching England really" Orson, Istanbul, in the TMS inbox

What an amazing response. If you think I made it up check out http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/cricket/england/7475337.stm and see the full exchange.

Does anyone else have any Scotch egg stories? If not maybe you can help me- in just over a month I'll be home and I'm looking into a way of inserting a scotch egg into a pork pie so as to enjoy them simultaneously...

It's the trickiest experiment since Dolly the Sheep! Will probably taste better though...

The think its all over..

Final day looms on the horizon like smog over Beijing as we all wait to see whether the bragging rights go to Ravi or Adam.

The competition is now irrelevant, The Hardcore Effect is where its at, as always we have been at the cutting edge of football journalism to get the very latest just for you.

The Germans, as always are relaxed and collected ahead of this closely matched crunch tie, even taking timeout to invent an entirely new kind of sausage. Jonny Lovespuds has ordered his squad to use the night before the match constructively saying, "Arbeit macht frei" or words to that effect. Lovespuds himself has been pouring over all his tactical notes and Jens Lehmann waits to see if he has been replaced in the starting line-up by his close rival, a pot of Muller-rice. That spot is just within his buttery fingers if he can hold the keen upstart at bay.

Over in the Spanish camp, everyone has been asleep in deckchairs with donkeys tied to them with their sombreros over their eyes showing their rivals they are unfazed by the reputation that preceeds an impressive German side.

Fernando Torres rose momentarily, possibly because in a momentary lapse of concentration he forgot he was Spanish and therefore lazy, to cook the team a healthy balanced meal, the national dish known as piella. Piella consists of rice and whatever you find in the trash, you mix these together and leave on a medium heat while you go back to sleep and by the time you can be arsed to move again, you'll have a tasty, energy packed meal ready to go.

Both sides got up to a bit of homo-erotic ass slapping in the pool in the early afternoon, and as the Spaniards once again headed back to get pissed and sit in a chair, the German camp bounced to the sound of a whole squad in lederhosen dancing to the contemporary sound of the disc that has become synonymous with German Success in this tournament - "Bavarian Lederhosen Party-time Dance-off 12", with celebrations led by a drunk and naked David Hasselhoff.

Hasselhoff believes that victory is pretty much certain after becoming personally involved in the teams training, players have a running start while David drunkenly stumbles behind them attempting to grope their pert backsides, any goosed player must then allow Hasselhoff to eat his post match treats and take his wife. Joachim Lovespuds claims this method is most effective, and has even improved Ballack's accuracy in front of goal, bookmakers raised the odds of him "just bunging it over the bar" accordingly to 3/1.

Latest bets from PaddyPower.co.uk

Spaniards to sleep in - 2/1
Lehmann attacked by albatross - 4/1
Pot of Muller Rice clean sheet - 5/1
Lehmann clean sheet - 12/1
Podolski to remember he is Polish and declare himself ineligible - 15/1
David Hasselhoff to streak - Evens

Ta very much..

Big, big thanks to Paul Maher. After my many, many failed attempts he's kindly knocked up a short trailer for this November's flagship trip. Although its a retuned and altered version of a Deadlite promo film he attempted about 2 years ago, it does contain some choice footage I'd considered long lost. Melody should pay special attention here as I had promised to forward this stuff years ago. It also contains some footage I've never seen before obtained from some drinking establishment no doubt, Also, the addition of credits at the end could be a blunder as we don't know who is totally confirmed, but I'm sure you agree, its the thought that counts.

I'm sure you'll also all join me in wishing Paul the best of luck in his relaunch of the Deadlite brand later this year and cheers for your backing of our escapades. Deadlite will be back in time for the next winter season with a whole new website which we'll be plugging more than we probably should while I eat my words for giving up on my attachment to it as a waste of my life. Nice job, we'll drink to that.

P.S.- another point, while Jarno is in the trailer, he certainly isn't on the trip and who is supposedly missing after Dave? Not that we're ungrateful.

Love just ain't cricket...

The "Wingman" theory is all well and good, but I learnt a very different theory for love, dating, and all that shizzle, from one of my slightly more insane friends at uni: apparently it's all a game of cricket. You are the batsman and she is the bowler. Get your head behind this handy jargon.

Wicket: this represents the relationship's well-being (as well as your dignity/manhood/self-respect etc).

Wicket-keeper: her best friend. Often gets a bit too close and has way too much to say. Even when you need some space she'll probably be there chirping in the background. She'll be the one doing most of the sledging, but you've just got to put on a brave face and absorb the abuse.

Batting partner: your best mate. When it really comes down it, he can't really help you that much. Once the ball's bowled you're on your own.

Golden duck: trying to pull a girl and getting knocked back on first attempt.

Pavillion: the pub. The one place you're safe from the bowler's wrath (I should point out at this point that my uni friend is not actually Andy Capp, although he is a little old fashioned in his views)

Bowling styles: the varying personalities of the bowler. You might encounter fast bowling (violent, angry, short tempered), swing bowling (mood swings) or spin (tricky, conniving, impossible to work out).

Bodyline: getting stuff thrown at you

Forward defensive: deliberately agreeing with something in order to prevent an argument.

Googly: any comment deliberately designed to encourage an argument e.g. do you think I'm fat?

Declaring: renouncing the game of love and running away to join a monastery.

Umpire: her mother-your nemesis. No matter how well you think you're batting, if you put a foot wrong the umpire will notice. There'll be no ball tampering while she's around...

Got any extra analogies to add to this madcap theory? Is my friend an idiot? TELL US.

Happy Birthday to.. Claire

Again, its birthday time. Happy 21st Claire from everyone.. ever. We all hope you had a great day. Much Love.

The BIG sting (oh yeah!)

In anticipation of a special Euro 2008 finale on Sunday, I'm going to change tack from being a flippant sports journalist and monkey fancier to something a lot more serious: A MAVERICK COP! Welcome to the BIG sting (oh yeah!)...

Here at the Hardcore Effect we take crime very seriously indeed, especially the really really bad crimes (we don't mind the little ones too much). With this in mind we shall use our powers of influence to blow the whistle on the scams and cons and naughtiness that plague society today. We're going to clean up these streets no matter what the pen-pushing superintendent says and no matter how many civilians get caught in the crossfire. We may be gritty in our methods but we get RESULTS god damn it....




BIG STING (oh yeah!) number 1: Internet Casino Scams: cashmaker1.com (one of many)


I needed to get results and fast. The DA was chewing my ass off, and he had city hall on his ass...Put simply, everyone's ass was severely compromised.
The premise goes like this "Hi I'm Mark and I'm stinking rich. My maths expertise has made me the scourge of internet casinos. You want to be like me don't you, you filthy, poor, unloved bastard?! Well now you can because I'm such a bloody nice bloke I'm going to show you how to win big yourself at European Roulette. But make sure you use THESE casinoes because they give you the most free credit when you first sign up...blah blah..."

There was even a quote from a satisfied customer "Thanks for my new car Cashmaker1. I love you and want your babies".

His system is simple. Bet on red- if black comes up bet on red again but higher. Keep doing this until red comes up. Then swap to black and start again. I signed in to Swiss Casino and tried on "free" mode and it actually worked. In 5 minutes I'd made 80€. Score! I upgraded my account to REAL MONEY and tried again...The homepage had a millionaire flanked by bronzed Scandinavian temptresses. Cuckoo clocks gave a more authentic Swiss feel... the excitement was building...

I set about spending my 200€ free credit on making my roulette fortune.

BUT WAIT! No dice, said the Casino. There's a wagering requirement and you can make as much dosh as you like but you can't cash it in! You're only allowed to use your free credit to make money for HIGHER RISK GAMES. Roulette is low-risk as you can bet on a win-lose outcome. I wasn't going to blow my student loan playing high-risk Tennessee Poker like an idiot! Crestfallen that I wasn't going to get a car like whatsisname I renounced my Swiss Casino membership and called for backup...

Mark you scalliwag! The idea is that you think his idea is so foolproof that you bet on the high risk games in order to reach the wagering requirement so that you can start winning big on roulette. The problem is by the time you get there, you've probably already triple-mortgaged your house and sold one your gall-bladders. Maybe Mark is a fictional entity created by an online casino. Or maybe he's just taking the piss...

Anyway, rich "Mark" from Cashmaker1, you're a dickhead and you're nicked sunshine...the next big sting you get will come during your first prison shower...

Mark is just one of many web bandits who want your ass. The moral of the story: never do anything on the Internet. Ever.

Want to be part of the next BIG sting (oh yeah!)? Let us know. We're kind of like Short Change but with balls.

Happy Birthday to us!

Doesn't time fly when you're having fun eh?

Already we've been in our all new format, updated daily for a month, and it isn't all easy. We're sure you appreciate the hours we put in discussing, writing, reviewing and editing these hallowed pages, it certainly shows in the content we feel. Already we've;

- Answered the Chav Problem
- Revealed Slaven Bilic as a closet homosexual
- Slandered Jens Lehmann at a rate of twice a week
- Used the word "blancmange" no less than 6 times
- Claimed Andreas Isaksson filmed himself abusing animals
- Provoked a racist debate
- Blagged free stuff from a host of PR people
- Been warned for posting inappropriate video material
- Organised a European tour
- Learned Tarot
- Formed an ABBA tribute band and a German lounge jazz ensemble
- Changed our names
- Become Foreign
- picked on some monkeys
- Designed A zeppelin
- Revolutionised the kitchen by inventing a toaster/kettle hybrid
- Predicted the deaths of celebrities
- Proved science wrong.. twice
- Pondered the life of the homeless
- Gained an addiction to Crunchy Nut Chocolate Clusters
- Called bingo in German
- Saved football and cricket
- Received at least 46 complaints
- Received at least 1000 hits [the current counter only goes from the start of June]
- Received bucketloads of lovely comments
- Been reviewed as "The two most interesting and dynamic new writers to hit the blogging community"
- Found the worst album in the world.. ever
- Insulted Islam, twice.
- Posted a comedy classified post
- Ruined health and Safety
- Showed a girl concealing her mobile phone in the most surprising of places
- Slacked off at work
- Ruined music journalism
- Posted an offensive picture of Simon Weston
- Had a funeral before I died
- Watched a lady make love ot the gearstick of a car
- Ruined the sales of 24hr protection toothpaste
- Been psycho-analysed
- Been threatened with death
and much.. much more I don't have time to list.

Thanks for being here, theres plenty more where that came from.

For now though, I believe we've earned a beer. Cheerio!

Well Done All Round!

I'm not sure about everyone, and if I've missed you off I apologise and I'll come to you ASAP, for now though hearty congratulations to Mr. Dan Hendrie and Mr. Simon "Frank Gallagher" Archer on getting their 2:1's. Nice one.

The great debate: ARE MONKEYS EVIL?

This started as a semi-drunken conversation but I've been literally inundated with comments and messages about this interesting conundrum. Apparently all monkeys are evil and are hellbent on destroying humans- their less hairy, slightly more intelligent and sarcastic brothers. Personally I quite like monkeys because


-they're too much like us to eat one
-they paint quite well
-they don't take life as seriously as us. We should learn from that.


In order to shed some light on the question I've composed a list of evil and good monkeys so that we can see how they balance out.

Evil monkeys

The flying ones in the Wizard of Oz
The orangutans in the Jungle Book
Most of the Apes in Planet of the Apes
Evil monkey that lives in Chris from Family Guy's closet
Cuddles
Cocoa Monkey (if you're lactose intolerant)

Good monkeys

The PG tips monkeys
Bollo from The Mighty Boosh
Those scientist apes in Planet of the Apes
King Kong
Cocoa Monkey
Bubbles (Michael Jackson's pet)
Cadbury's drum gorilla
Curious George
Jonny Vegas's Monkey pal

See? There are clearly way more good monkeys than evil monkeys. If I've missed any out let me know. What is the reason for this anti-monkey conspiracy? Is it a freemason conspiracy? Does the price of oil have anything to do with it?

I WANT ANSWERS.

Beer, Sex and Joe's Golden Ticket

As a man, there are certain situations where you'll need to step up and take one for the team in aid of one of your buddies. Its like compensation for the endless insults and cheapshots against them that form the basics of male bonding. Men are emotionally incapable of declaring they enjoy each others company in any way, unless they're gay, in either case you keep your damn mouth shut. Yes we're good buddies, but we needn't discuss it.

In one such case, some years ago I called on Joe, as one of my oldest and dearest friends to take on the most honourable mantle of "Wingman".

Long story short, I was due to meet the lovely Miss Beckie, who had stuck her phone number on my face on a post-it note some 10 days earlier as I lay half concious with Frampton performing impromtu covers of Jerry Lee-Lewis' classic hit, Great Balls of Fire. This I attribute to the fact that we had been drinking.. heavily, the aim was Vodka and Coke, bizarrely we had no problem purchasing alcohol despite being totally underage the only issue was we could afford the cola, and we could afford the vodka.. but not both. Thats a no-brainer then.

So, as many British teenagers discover, neat vodka makes girls cry and guys sing badly. Obviously I sang badly in an attractive enough way to attract the attention of some passing ladies who stuck their phone numbers upon our carcasses, probably to testify against us for our inevitable drunk & disorderly charges after the stomach pump has been put away.

We'd arranged to meet with her and one of her friends, who quickly settled herself nicely into the top spot on my "People I can't Stand" list. Bluntly, she wasn't to my taste, but as Beckie was to my taste, I had to rely on Joe to engage the annoying one so I would have air superiority for my bomb run on the nice young lady.

All went swimmingly, we watched "28 days later" I believe, although I only saw the end credits, which given the circumstances, believe me was a very good thing. Joe on the other hand, made the ultimate sacrifice.

He never really recovered for some time, he "went native" as stockholm syndrome set in and began exhibiting bizarre and alarming taste in women, he'd jabber endlessly and nightmares were frequent.. "No! Just buy a razor! No!" I felt truly terrible, you can have no concept of how awful it must have been to be engaged with this girl in any such capacity, well not until the end of this piece at least.

Guilt ridden, I did the only thing I could to save my friend.. I endlessly and mercilessly ripped into this harpy that had chained him down and made him weird. Frankly, she probably wasn't such a bad person deep down, but I couldn't let that small detail get in the way and my long campaign of attrition began, and after my inevitable victory I put him on my patented "Hardcore programme" of intensive drinking and late nights out with strange women, which I can say proudly, he excelled at.

However, then it came; "You owe me one for that.", he sounded like a Mafia Godfather. I began to wonder when his boys would be round to break my fingers. Years passed and nothing, then the other day I thought the call had finally come. Joe had been asked out for a pint, now this isn't what you think. My commitment to Mrs. Hardcore severely prohibits me flying any wingman missions, and I've been near enough questionable young ladies in my time thanks very much. I'm long term grounded.

Joe had been invited for a pint by a person who, without beating around the bush, is a sex offender of some description. I can't say too much, but thats ok because I couldn't really articulate how hilarious this situation is and how much of a stereotypical paedophile we're talking about. Its amazing he was under the radar so long frankly. "Right", I thought, "I'll join him on this so he isn't there alone, because he can't get out of it and we'll be even". Joe had different ideas, "No way, I'm saving this favour for something truly special, you owe me BIG".

So there we go ladies and gents, thats how bad this girl was, so bad that even a date with a sex offender doesn't even things out. A final word of warning too, don't make my mistake, one day something truly awful will come up and as a man of my word I'll have to take the bullet as is stated in the unwritten "Man Code". Never ask your wingman to "leave the landing gear", suicide missions such as that one, never end well for either flyboy.

Compaints a-plenty!

It seems some of our articles are really pissing people off.. fantastic!

I love it when they do that because it means you're thinking.. not just reading.

What I won't tolerate though is U-turns, below is a new letter from a previously keen fan of The Hardcore Effect;

Dear Ben,
::.. . :: ... : .:. :: ....
Lots of Love,
Stevie Wonder
xxx

Apparantly, this is different from his previous letter of approval, but I can't see how.

Dig this German Shizzle

Ok ok, clearly 2 hours was not enough time to learn the intricate symbolism and spiritual complexities of the Tarot. However, I sensed cosmic forces beyond my control that I shall attempt to harness again in the near future- perhaps to predict the US election result or the xmas number one.

Meanwhile, in a log cabin in Austria somewhere, preparations continue for Wednesday's crunch match between Germany and Turkey. Has all enthusiasm for the tournament evaporated now it seems the krauts might win? Certainly not for me. It's amusing to see that every team Ben backs then goes on to lose horribly- first Sweden, then Holland. Looks like this lad's more cursed than that kid from The Exorcist. If he backs Germany I'm screwed but I sense that dogged male pride means he never will, even if Fernando Torres kills a puppy live on the Austrian version of Jim'll Fix it ( neatly titled Mikel der Allesträummachenrichtigerführer).

Just in case there are any closet Germans left out there, here are some useful German phrases given to me by Professor Lars (pictured right). A quick note to those who think I'm a treacherous, kraut-loving bastard- I'll challenge you to a Worcester sauce drinking contest- then we'll see who's "un-British".

Ich wäre so gern deutsch. Dann hätte ich endlich wieder einen Grund zum Jubeln."
"I really wish I was German- then I'd have something to cheer about"

"Dem Himmel sei Dank! Ein ganzer Sommer ohne Fat Les, Stan Boardman oder Frank Haut-Abzieher. (Frank, the guy who pulls skins off.)"

Horray- a whole summer without Fat Les, Stan Boardman or Frank Skinner

Wayne Rooney ist kein Poldi, sondern ein Chaot, und außerdem ist er eine Heulsusescouser."
Wayne Rooney lacks the finishing skills of Podolski, and is a moaning Scouser"

Die Tuss vom Lehmann ist wesentlich heißer als Posh Spice."

Lehmann's wife is much prettier than Posh Spice"

Gladbach zieht Manchester United das Fell über die Ohren, wenn's drauf ankommt. Und besseren Kuchen gibt es da auch."
Borussia Monchengladbach would beat Manchester United any day- and they have better pies"

Die Oma vom Schweini kommt aus England. Vielleicht spielt er ja mal für uns.

I heard Schweinsteiger's grandmother is English. Maybe he'll agree to play for us"

Learn these phrases by heart. They will come in very useful when you're being interviewed for your German work permit.

Tschüs!!

Shit I'm French!

Today I realised that I've now been away from the UK for a whole year…a long time indeed to go without scotch eggs, fine ale and dogging.
I've done my best to keep up with events across the channel but I admit it's got a little skewed. Here’s a little review of the past year according to yours truly.

That Gorilla
Millions of people watch a monkey drumming to Phil Collins and suddenly want to eat loads of chocolate. Has someone been poisoning the water supply? Maybe we're all closet Phil Collins fans, or maybe the gorilla embodies our primal urges and collective frustrations with life. Or is the ape a metaphor for bird flu? Someone please help me out.

Rain
I understand you've had a lot of this stuff. As a result the Wimbledon centre court roof fell off and music festivals and Satanic picnics across the land were washouts. Floods and gales as well I understand and an earthquake in the midlands to boot. The midlands are becoming such a hotbed of earthquakes that it will eventually cause northern England to detach and drift over to Norway where it will be donated to King Harald Knut III as repayment for all those Christmas trees they plonk in Trafalgar Square every year. Northern England will be placed in the biggest square in Oslo for the amusement of passers by.

Sport
News of an infamous “Jellybean incident” prove to be a bit of an anticlimax. Cristiano Ronaldo scores 40 goals and wins the biggest trophy in club football, then realises he’d rather sit on a plastic bench in Madrid instead. A lot of people say China is a bit naughty for running about with a torch and not even Konnie Huq is safe from the backlash.

The state
I thought this was a joke at first but apparently there’s a new PM and most ministers now have different names and addresses. People are moaning about the economy too. House prices used to be doing something bad, now they’re doing the opposite of that bad thing they used to do, but that's apparently bad as well. Boris Johnson has now been given actual responsibilities. I heard he cancelled the Olympics and is instead building a massive Tory theme park in east London, with Victorian freak shows, 12-day cricket matches and a staff composed entirely of naïve choirboys.

Society
According to official statistics, “being a bastard” is now the quality that women most look for in a man. The most desired men in Britain today are Alan Sugar, Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsay and Adolf Hitler. Coleen Rooney is fast becoming a cultural icon and threatens to actually replace the Queen if her majesty makes one more scouse teenage mums. Despite this anarchy, no one says “I’m a lady” or “Am I bovvered” any more so perhaps things are moving in the right direction.

The Hardcore Tour - Europe '08

For now we can't divulge what we're going to be getting up to, all we can give you are the places and dates. Ravi is doing the majority of the leg work here, and its a safe bet to expect the usual cultural observation and drinking establishment reviews you have become accustommed too. However, if you fancy a beer with the guys from that blog all the cool kids read, message us.

7th - 13th July: Valencia - Ravi

11th - 17th August: Cannes - Benji
Wales - Ravi

Mid-August: London, Coventry, Manchester, Birmingham & Liverpool - Benji & Ravi

19th - 24th November: Tour Flagship event in Stockholm featuring Benji, Ravi & Guests

15th - 16th December : Dublin - Benji

Adult Video Of The Week Returns!

In preparation for the end of the European Championships, we're beginning to make a slow return to normal, non-football related service, and what better way to start than with another Bizzarre Adult Video Of The Week. We're on a theme until the end of July, and that theme is "Women giving "birth" to things" I have been literally unidated with suggestions like these and to thank-you for the response I'll be posting them all, so let us begin. I entitle this video: "who needs a handbag?";

Mystic Ravi fails again..

Well, we were both wrong really. I too predicted that the Dutch would grab a drug enhanced win and the Russians could go back to being drunk and flammable.

I don't know which is worse though. Myself for using a bit of logic, or Ravi for using Tarot cards and mysticism which have so far proved to be as accurate at measuring football results as an alsation is at predicting weather cycles.

Worst of all, I can see a German victory on the horizon. It's 1939 again and I'm Warsaw.

I can see Italy beating Spain also, because it has been a tournament of upsets and Spain seem to have had it all their way. I hate to side with Ravi on this, but it seems the Germans have this one, which is kind of good because it seems my support is a kiss of death to any football campaign. I am the football equivalent of a black widow, hope Schweini has his kleenex mansize at the ready.. theres gonna be efficent, punctual tears.

German Football: Better than the music, equally perverse.

Nothing about German music can possibly be described as "essential", where as "shit" on the other hand could be quite apt.


I've said it once and I'll say it again. Germans lack flair and passion. They are a cold race who break every task down into pure logic and mathematics, never smile and stand on animals in high heeled shoes and film it. Danger wanking was invented in Germany, and sexual deviancy is widespread.



Just like you have to be a paedophile to be a leader in the boy scouts, you have to be a pervert to be a true German. Bastian Schweinsteiger is into watersports, Lukas Podolski covers his wife's bare feet in marmite and licks them clean, Mrs. Ballack spends most of her time taking laxatives and dumping on her husband for thrills and the less said about Jonny Lovespuds and his gimp costume the better frankly.

Anyway, back to the lack of passion. Take a Mercedes-Benz or a BMW for example, both are machines designed for a purpose and produced in such away as to be flawless, but more often than not they are ugly and dull.

People should go on holiday to Germany, they have beer, everythings clean and efficent, the trains run on time.. but no-one does. We all go to Italy or Spain and its for this very reason.

German musicians are without exception as much use as a diving bell made entirely from emmental cheese.

This is all irrelevant though, because despite my dearest hopes it looks like you may just blitzkrieg your way to the European Trophy this time round and before you know it you'll be enjoying the post match celebratory bath with the team, in your thong, with rubber cocks sellotaped to your hands and theres certainly nothing Sweden can do to fix that any longer.

The essential German playlist

I'm sick of Ben harping on about German music consisting of Bavarian brass bands and little else. As we await Wednesday's uber-crunch match with Turkey, here's a little German listening to aid your cultural indoctrination.

1. Feuer Frei- Rammstein

2. Wizo- Raum der Zeit

3. Rosenstolz- Willkommen

4. Sie Liebt Dich - The Beatles

5. 54, 74, 90, 2010- Sportfreunde Stiller

6. Jump in My Car- David Hasselhoff

7. The Model- Kraftwerk

8. Ich Schau Dich An- Spider Murphy Gang

9. Neanderthal- EAV

The German cultural renaissance starts here. I'm off for some Scharzblotnickelwurst...

Holland vs Russia Tarot Prediction

Ok, ok- yesterday's prediction was a little wrong. I successfully foretold that we should expect the unexpected, and that a penalty would decide the match. However, I picked the wrong winner due to my chakras being very poorly aligned, the staff of my Celtic Cross pointing the wrong way and my yang being shite. I still keep getting the King of Swords mixed up with Mr Bun the Baker...

Let's try again, attempting to foretell tonight's score using a single randomly generated card.

O TAROT GOD(S) - WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE FOOTBALL TONIGHT??

Here's what I got:

Cor blimey, it's the High Priestess. Guus Hiddink may have done his homework on his home country, but the Dutch team know something he doesn't. Expect Holland to hit their full potential yet again and for Russia to lie down and let wooden clogs walk all over them. A player with a girly name will play a starring role.

After a few early goals the Dutch will shut up shop and let the Ruskies bang on the door in vain, like a schnautzer locked in a van. The pitch isn't made of blancmange this time so Hiddink's lads will come up short.

Blasphemic Tarot scoreline prediction: 4-1 to Holland

The Hardcore Effect meets... Olof Mellberg

Olof Mellberg, when he isn't being violent, plays football for Juventus and Sweden.

We met him for a brief chat after Swedens 2-0 loss to Russia to see what was up and whether he'd ever partaken in a danger wank.

Hey Olof, how are you feeling?
To be honest, pretty shit. I don't feel too bad about losing to the Russians, anyone who wrestles bears on a daily basis has my total respect, but when I have to resort to punching my own countrymen in the street because they can't resist giving me a bit of post match analysis, its a sad day for me.

How are the rest of the team taking your premature exit?
I don't really know, Freddie (Ljungberg) has spent a lot of time buying tight pants to cheer himself up, he gets Petter Hansson to photograph him, I guess its an ego thing and everyone deals in their own way. Its good for Petter too, he can send the photos to the children he's been grooming.

How has little Kim Kallstrom taken it?
I don't really know, after the match it was straight in his pyjamas and Lars sent him to bed. Like I say, I'm not really up to speed because I haven't been around much, I've been relaxing with a new hobby.

Oh Really? Is it danger wanking?
[Laughs] No, no. I've always enjoyed fighting, but I find fighting animals is a new and interesting challenge. I started off small with like rats and ferrets, and I've now worked my way up to larger animals. I fucking love fighting kangaroos, Girls love it too. Theres nothing sexier than seeing a guy kick the living shit out of a marsupial. everyone thinks Kangaroos can box but they aren't shit. No reach.

That sounds lovely, but we must insist, have you ever had a dangerwank?
Of course! I only masturbate in dangerous circumstances or else nothing happens. I like to wear a 19th century diving suit and breathe nitrogen, the orgasms are intense. Away with the lads though, I keep it quiet and just put a bag on my head and suck out the air with a dirt devil.

Will you be sticking around to watch the rest of the tournament now your team is out?
I thought I might, but David Hasselhoff has been hanging around. I'd gone for a kebab last night after a relaxing night sucker punching zebras at the nearby zoo, and he pulls up and asks if I want to jump in his car. I mean it was a tempting offer because it was raining and he had a pack of werther's originals in his glove box, but when he patted the passenger seat alarm bells rang and I decided it was safer to walk.

We thought you liked danger.
I like dangerous masturbating. Dangerous sex isn't for me, there something about fucking atop a flying trapeeze that really puts me off my stroke. Plus being bummed in the back of a talking black Trans Am by David Hasselhoff to the soundtrack of "Bavarian Lederhosen party-time Dance-off 12" isn't really the best situation to be in. Thats too dangerous even for me.

Thanks for your time then Olof, we're sure you have many more animals to batter.

Another Perspective

Well, Sweden are out. Gutted doesn't even begin to describe my feelings as I lay there, in the foetal position, crying like a Welsh sheperd who is allergic to wool.

I have however, started to see a silver lining, as have the team.

Kim Kallstrom is very pleased, not only has he now earned his International football badge for scouts, but his visit to Austria has allowed him to complete his collection of contemporary European postage stamps.

Freddie Ljungberg now has more time to shop for tight pants without all that bloody football getting in the way.

Lars Lagerback can go back to brewing a new kind of lager that whitens teeth. Petter Hansson can get back to work in that home for vulnerable children. Olof Mellberg has taken up cage fighting and has developed a love of new hobby, In a recent interview with us he said; "I fucking love Kangaroo fighting, girls love it, nothing sexier than kicking the shit out of a Kangaroo. People say they can box, but they aren't shit."

On a negative note, easily influenced goalkeeper Andreas Isaksson has taken to copying Mellberg believing the animal fighting to be something to do with sexual dominance and mating rights, he was arrested last night after posting a video on Youtube of himself kicking a marmot until it agreed to have sex with him.

As for my silver lining, sure it was hard seeing Sweden lose, even harder than seeing England lose, but it wasn't as hard as finding out Dr. Oetker isn't Swedish and at least i got to drink my own body weight in Kopparberg.

As for now, I throw my support behind the Dutch. All those drugs they take, at least one of them must be performance enhancing.

--Match Predictions--
While Ravi, or should I say Jurgen, polishes his crystal balls and fucks around with tarot cards, which by the way are fucking shit for playing snap. I've taken my usual approach and shall predict the game using logic, psychology and body language analysis.

so, lets begin.

Slaven Bilic, all I sense from him is repressed homosexuality. Stock footage shows him fellating a badger filled sausage in the team hotel over dinner, and he has an earring which is a dead giveaway. His eye certainly roves in the direction of Luka Modric and his tight, tight shorts.

Luka is quite open to the idea but isn't really gay, he just flirts with the fashion.

The sexual tension will be cause for concern as Luka's team-mates clearly sense something is up.

The Turks will pounce on this, and I dont mean in the way Slaven would enjoy, and will beat Croatia 2-1. Afterwards, to celebrate the team will return to serving drinks in their own hotel and seducing any 14 year old girls that are holidaying there.

Croatia VS Turkey tarot prediction

Right- let's have a go. I've lit some joss sticks, made a dream catcher out of gaffa tape & pigeon feathers and peered into my crystal ball. Remember Mystic Meg? That was me that was- she didn't know shit.

My cards (available in all good book stores retailing at £4.99) reveal the following about tonight's match:

- Croatia have victory within their grasp and should get the result they hope for. However, we should expect the unexpected and victory is likely to come from a penalty or taking a crazy chance. Slaven Bilic will sneeze 8 times during the match but it won't make the papers.

- Turkey, buoyed by a pre-match meal of penna arabiata, will make a bright start, but ultimately their players will succumb to the pressure. The loss of their captain through suspension means they will lack direction and come up short. Emre's son will eventually work in a bank.

- Croatia will not beat Germany in the next round unless they stick rigidly to their game plan. Key player is Niko Kovac- and his performance will make or break their Euro 2008 campaign. Kovac will retire after the tournament and open a Medieval themed B&B with Goran Ivanisevic.

There we go- the pagan gods have spoken!

I'm not a Satanist! Honest!

STONE THE CROWS 3-2!! Released from his wicker cage, Schweini opened up a can of whoopass on Portugal. The Germans are back to their normal efficient selves and nervous excitement can finally give way to cold-blooded arrogance.

Anyway, for the remainder of Euro 2008, I'm going to inject a little bit of the supernatural into proceedings. Glenn Hoddle favoured faith healers and the France coach Raymond Dommenesch loves horoscopes, so inspired by these loons I plan to BECOME A TAROT READER! By harnessing the awesome power of these cards I shall attempt to predict the results of the remaining games. However, I face 4 key problems.

1. I know nothing about Tarot cards

2. I don't have any Tarot cards
3. Tarot cards aren't meant to be used to predict football scores.

4. The risk of awakening some old Pagan curse and ressurecting a 2-headed goat

But who cares? Tea leaves are boring and crystal balls are expensive. If you can be ordained as a priest online, I can learn the Tarot in a couple of hours. From the little research I have done here's a quick idiot's guide:

-78 cards (shit!) consisting of 22 trump cards (important stuff like Death and The Fool) and 56 normal cards made up of four suits- coins, cups, swords and wands

-coins symbolise money and generally being a careful fellow

-wands symbolise passion desire creativity

-swords stand for violence, trouble 'n' strife

-cups are about love, passion and all that jazz

My first ever OFFICIAL TAROT PREDICTION for Croatia v Turkey will follow later. Assuming I can get my hands on a deck...

Unlike J.K Rowling, I have the intelligence not to publish any of this blasphemy in book form so no American Bible belt chaps will be able to burn it. Makes you think though- going to the trouble of buying a Harry Potter book just to chuck it on a bonfire just seems like poor economic planning to me.

Cometh the hour...

As Sweden head home with nothing but some nasty scabs and a book of carpet samples to show for their Euro 2008 exertions, the tournament is about to move up a gear...

Tonight is truly D-Day for the Germans. After all the larking around in the group stages, the hens have finally come home to roost, the cat's in his cradle and the shit is about the hit the fan. We've had the comedy gaffs from Jens Lehmann, the hissy fits from Schweinsteiger and the mind-numbing misses from Lopez. The time for that is over boys- total football is about to begin. The time for clichés is over.

This is very similar to an England match- Germany have been pretty stagnant so far and they finally have to punch above their weight. Kind of like in Terminator II where Arnie faces loads of shit baddies before Robert Patrick finally comes and mangles him. It's also a bit of a Hamlet-like scenario with Cristiano Ronaldo as the wicked Uncle and Phil Scolari as Queen Gertrude. Stay with me on this...

I call upon all the remaining Germany-haters in the UK to back your Saxon homeboys on this one. If Portugal win, Cristiano won' t thank you for it. He'll bugger off to Madrid, probably wounding a few baby deer on the way, and salting the earth around his Cheshire home so that not only a seedling will grow for centuries.

This is football. It's not about patriotism. It's about wooden seats, pies, half-time oranges, and crap lager. None of those things exist in Portugal. Nevertheless their cork industry is very good and I applaude them for that...

The Hardcore Tour 2008

Beer. It's important, and can be expensive. Exclusive bars and even more exclusive people. is it all worth?

Wheres the best places to get plastered? How do you know its going to be worth the entry fee?

Fear not, The Hardcore Effect is here. Over the last few months of the year, Team Hardcore will be hitting a series of both low budget and expensive bars around Europe to give you the true lowdown fromt he point of view of a bunch of working class drunken morons. Strip away the sponsorship, the guest treatment and the snobbery and we'll tell you whats left.

We'll also be gaining a taste of some "alternative" lifestyles. Picture: Stockholm by day

With Ravi fresh from Paris, Benji Fresh from Krakow and Katowice and Sheep fresh from Newcastle we'll take our already encyclopaedic beer knowledge and we'll be hitting up yet another variety of nightlife hotspots including; Cannes, Dublin, London, Stockholm and many more. Keep 'em peeled.

Speaking of high quality drinking establishments, take a peek below.

Confessions of Matty the Barman

I caught up with Matty MacLaurin, barman and gimp at Paris watering hole The Thistle for his thoughts on boybands, beards and dangerwanking…

Matty. First things first- what made you swap Glasgow for Paris?

It’s quite simple really and it all comes down to a night out in Scotland a few years ago. I got to a club late and the bouncer could just have refused me entry. In the end, he let me in, I ended up pulling a French girl and that was that…

So you prefer French women to Scottish women?

No, I prefer Scots. French girls are way too much work. And hairier.

Is it true that you’re the tallest barman in Paris? [Matty is 6’ 5”]

Even better than that- I’m the tallest bar manager in Paris.

I thought you were assistant manager?

Yeah yeah, but that wouldn’t sound as impressive would it? Fuck sake.

Anyway, have you ever had a dangerwank? If not would you ever consider it?

What’s one of those? [After brief explanation] Oh, no I haven’t. I will consider it though. Probably not in the bar mind.

On a similar note, how many illegitimate children do you actually have?

None that I know of. But if a 6-foot curly haired alcoholic comes into the bar in ten years I’ll know why.

Picture the scene, there’s a fire in the bar. Which barmaid do you save?

They can take care of themselves. I’d save the whisky.

How’s my Scottish accent? Any good?

I’ve heard a lot worse. It’s enough to make you an honorary Scotsman I reckon.

Are you sad that Scotland haven’t qualified for Euro 2008?

I’m more sad about England to be honest. I enjoy watching them lose after they say they’re definitely going to win.

Favourite boyband?

The Proclaimers, plus a bit of New Kids on the Block

What are you hiding behind the beard?

My fat chin. That’s why anyone grows a beard.

Last question. This one of Tom's. Would you rather have a bird in hand, or two in a bush?
I'd rather have two in hand to be honest. But why do you blame all the dirtier questions on Tom?!

I suppose I’ve got let you plug your bar now.

Yeah, come to The Thistle for Cheap Beer, Cheap Thrills and Cheap Laughs.

Right, can I have a photo?

Photo? Shit, let my fix my hair [disappears to the toilet for ten minutes]

Check out The Thistle at http://www.the-thistle.com/

Austro-German Tabloid banter

"AUFIEDERSEHEN YOU LITTLE AUSTRIAN SAUSAGES"- screamed German red top Die Bild.

Austrian paper OSTERREICH responded with a furious plea to the national team to "RIP BALLACK'S TROUSERS OFF."

All this jibing is a little below the belt if you ask me. However, it's easy subject matter for sausage-oriented nations I suppose...

Scheise, that was close...

Mein gott that match was tense at times. Germany are starting to play eerily similar football to England- pointless long balls, feeble strikers, struggling to beat lesser opposition. I bet all you Young England patriotic types are wishing you'd got behind the German Fatherland from the start! Still, a wonder strike from Ballack sealed strüdel apocalypse for those Austrian lads. I did however, miss the goal as I'd popped out to do a little shopping...

So now it's Ronaldo's greased hords who stand between us and the semi finals. Scolari played a reserve team of civil servants and schoolchildren against Switzerland, so the real team are bound to be ready for action. I call upon all British football fans to cast aside old rivalries and back the Deutsch in this crunch game. Germany have literally morphed into England- skillful at times but let down by major but endearingly human physical and mental flaws. What's more Angela Merkel looks just like Delia Smith, and Joachim Löw looks like a more metrosexual version of Sandy from the OC. If that's not a good reason to trade in your feeble UK passport for a German one I don't know what is...

Anyway, a brief update on my German cultural education thus far. Literature- in my local German bookstore I discovered their version of Tintin & Snowy is called Tim and Struppi. The name Tim seems a little ordinary don't you think, for an ageless, asexual, white-supremacist vigilante? "Boy reporter" my arse- everyone knows he spends most of his time taking opium, arsing around in pyramids and shooting foreigners. A very un-German hero...

Proving Science Wrong: The Hardcore Theory

Top of the early afternoon to ya.

I discovered something the other day, all geniuses have there own theory or law.

Einstein had the Theory of Relativity, no doubt something to do with incest. Newton had Gravity, and now I have The Hardcore Theory.

The best bit about it is it applies in real life and you can see its effects always. Ever wondered why that girl you really like dates the hooligan with the swastika tattoo who hits her? Ever wondered why you are forever stuck in the friend zone?

Simple, you sexiness and magnetism to the opposite sex varies inversely to your being nice. The nicer you are, the less sexy you become. The more you insult and beat her, the more desireable you become. However, it isn't quite that simple, there are rules.

Firstly, you have to be consistently bad. I don't mean littering and not using your manners, I mean dealing some drugs and beating up someone smaller than you. Driving a car held together with duct tape at 1000mph is also a good way to gain your ladies eye.

Scientists come up with all kinds of crazy reasons as to why some guys attract more girls than others, pheremones, rugged jaw line, being Brad Pitt are all supposed to help. Being funny is a good one allegedly, but allow me to tell you now, it fucking isn't, speaking as a guy who takes very little seriously all that and being nice get you is a string of nice friends.. good for a birthday party, not so good for a sex party.

Since I learned to toughen up a bit from my older softer days, I've not been cheated on once.. which is a marked improvement on my past score of every fucking day.

So proving science wrong.. it isn't about anything other than how badass you are.

Next, you have to give an image that you can be changed.. just a bit. Akon does this quite well. In one song he sings about killing a guy, the next he is in prison saying how truly sorry he is, and how he's nice and sensitive for the right girl.. but push him and he'll shooting your fucking head off.

Its a tough balancing act.

So, you may ask; "How does this apply to me?"

Simple, I have foolproof way to make YOU the most desireable man in the world.

Firstly, you have to be seriously bad, so knock up a few pipe bombs and mail bomb Argos, this also helps with consistency, as you can be consistently bad by hitting a different branch of the chain each week. Next, bad guys with a media name always score more girls. Peter Sutcliffe never got laid, thats why the only time he ever fucked so much as a prostitute, he did it with a ball hammer. Inversely, once he became known as "The Yorkshire Ripper", he got underwear and marraige proposals in the mail almost every day.

I would be called " The Lancaster Bomber" obviously, with me being a bomber from Lancaster. I think its punchy.

Finally, release tapes of yourself saying you could change for the right woman, and bingo, chick city.

Now relax and enjoy a few years in prison and you'll be fighting them off.

Austro-German Grudge Match Preview!

Major excitement ahead of tonight's must-win clash with Austria. The hills are alive with the sound of oneupmanship. The Austrian coach reckons cos he played in the Austria team that beat Germany in 1978, his band of Alpine jungen can do the same. Since then, it's been less like 30 years of hurt and more like 30 years of bugger all. Guys you can ski pretty well and you make better muesli than the Germans but the superiority ends there I'm afraid.

Plus the Germans have scores of their own to settle. Had they not been convinced into signing up for the Austrian Painter & Decorator Exchange Scheme of 1931, the whole world might have been spared a lot of hassle and hastily constructed walls. Lederhosen, alpenhorns, schnitzel- all stereotypes associated with Germans but actually belonging to the Austrians. Maybe a 5-0 humiliation for the strudel boys will just about make up for literally centuries of crap German lampooning on British TV...

Yet the German team are playing it cool. Joachim Lovespuds adjusts his Topman scarf pensively as he stares down the barrel of another press conference. Ballack passes the time with careful cross-stitch while from a cage suspended from the ceiling of their Tyrolean hotel, Schweinsteiger channels his natural aggression into composing angry haiku, ever-chastened by the rigid grammatical structures and feeble imagery of the German language.

I predict early Austrian resistance, followed by exhaustion, disillusionment and a gradual steamrollering by our lads. Crazy supernatural Alpine forces could gift the Ozzies an early goal but Deutsch efficiency will win through in the end.

My expert prediction: 3-1 to Germany.

For pre-match inspiration, let's look at an example of Germans taking something Swedish and making it much much better:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=DvjzMnjB0RQ

What an Outrage!

Frankly, Sweden were robbed. That is all there is to it, and yes Larsson's Codpiece was out for its annual scraping and of course than man in the shop supported Spain, and yes, he will be lynched by my hordes.

Take all that aside though, and just imagine if we'd claimed that point. Picking Sweden was very much like picking Minardi, Eddie the Eagle or Plymouth Argyle. I chose the plucky underdog.. and everyone loves an underdog with the possible exception of Jean Todt.

That one point would have thrown the group wide open and left Adam in line for a severe but fair cock-slapping from my good self. I'm not concerned though, after all its Spain and sooner or later something will make them fuck it all up, its inevitable.

Perhaps Fernando Torres' donkey will escape, or David Villa will get distracted by his spouse, and end up having a blazing pitchside row, which involves alot of arm expression, slapping and speaking unnaturally fast or maybe someone will play their national anthem - "The Mexican Hat Dance" - and they will all have to take siesta and sleep in deck chairs with straw hats over their eyes in respect. Either way, it will happen.

I've already started on a lego voodoo doll of David Villa, and if it works, he'll soon find himself nothing but a mere puddle, inside my microwave.

For now though, I turn my attention to the Russians, who have sobered up long enough to beat Greece. I consider them a threat, in the same way Ravi considers a Smorgasbord a Sandwich. I don't. Sure, as a Rangers fan, I kicked a few heads in after Zenit St. Petersburg, and learned the Russians are not to be underestimated after the met England in qualifying.

However, we must look at the facts. This is a team who spent 75 years queueing for a loaf of bread and some vinegar under communism, are they really going to have the energy left to beat Sweden? They will probably be distracted by all the Mafia hits they have to complete whilst there, the spying and the hunting reindeer for the harsh winters. The only real incentive to win is to avoid serving their remaining years in a Siberian Gulag.. which is just what happend to Dmitri Kharine. His crazy love of all things western; Money, Girls, Disco, Lack of police beatings, Freedom of speech, No chechen rebels and more money, meant he was never the Premier's favourite bloke really.

Guus Hiddink, a man with unlikely hair and a head shaped like Chippolata, encourages his players to swear in training and to joke about each others clubs. It isn't Sweden thats a stoned Dutch media studies project, its the Russian national football team.

They are shakier at the back than a Parkinson's sufferer operating a pneumatic drill and the Berezutsky twins are frankly the worst headers of the ball in the World today.

Freddie Ljungberg will use his dazzling looks to distract Aleksandr Anyukov, who I suspect holds a subscription to "Big boys in boots" magazine, Larsson will distract older team members by complaining, comparing ailments, sharing stories that don't go anywhere and misleading them into believeing its Pension day and they should be queueing in the post office, and Ibrahimovic, fresh from his acupuncture session, will use his newly realigned chakras to boot it home. Simple.

Bring it on I say.

Sick as a parrot, Sven

The time has come to discuss “that match”. I did see the Sweden game yesterday, from the comfort of a teepee surrounded by druids. My tantric state was broken by Scandinavian incompetence. Not for the first time, Olaf Mellberg’s beard prevented me from achieving enlightenment…dirty Villa scum.

For me, this match was pure psychological warfare by those Spanish lads. Play really well and score, then concede just to give those blonde boys hope. Spend the entire second half bombarding the Swedish goal until Kim Kallstrom’s legs are all red and sore from getting hit by the ball. Finally score the winner while Kim’s off the pitch applying ointment.

Rumour has it that Lars Lagerback is already back working in his carpet showroom in Malmo, preferring the reassuring hum of Axminster to the fetid stench of failure. A clearly stoned Freddie Ljungberg faced the press after the match, only offering feeble statements about the rules of football
“they won because they scored more goals than us”
“in football you have to keep the ball”
“a match has never been won by a team who scored fewer goals than the opposition”

Sweden’s most popular football forum, Sverigherringfurm was full of equally ridiculous excuses;
“I thought goals scored after 90 minutes didn’t count”
“Like our sandwiches, our midfield was incomplete”
“Henrik Larsson was without his lucky felt codpiece you know, so we were doomed from the start”.

Crappy Viking excuses aside, this result means that Sweden and Germany are level on points and goal difference having accrued identical results so far. The real tournament starts here everyone, and like in cricket there’s no such thing as a draw.
Jonny Lovespuds and his merry band of ubermensch face neighbours Austria tomorrow in a bitter grudge match. Bavarian tubas versus alpenhorns, sauerkraut versus schnitzel, muesli versus slightly better muesli. Mozart’s men will put up a brave fight but Der Mannschaft will win through to face the greased wrath of Ronaldo in the next round…bring it on! Reports suggest that the Germans are ordering in extra brylcreem to nullify this threat.

The Swedes meanwhile, must face the mighty Russians, a team who thrive on artificial pitches. With this in mind, the Russian team have used their mafia connections to have the Innsbruck turf replaced with blancmange. Who will emerge victorious from this squidgy but delicious arena? Who will win the honour of losing 12-0 to the new speed-enhanced Dutch?

Stay with the Hardcore Effect to find out. THE only place to get coverage, results and analysis in the entire world (it’s true I’ve checked. I put “Euro 2008” into Google and all I got was Danish porn)

Peace, love and killer whales

I took a day off from cutting Euro 2008 analysis yesterday to live as a hippy for a while. This cultural experience included going to watch a Finnish jazz-folk ensemble and a psychadelic mojo-funk collective. For the second lot, some nice slap bass rhythms but the line "My killer whale is coming to get you" took the concept of Free Willy a little too literally if you ask me...

I later dined in a vegetarian restaurant where I had quinoa, pink lentils and aubergine caviar. This got me thinking- if you plonk a steak down in a salad is it still a salad? Also if a steak falls down in the woods and there's no one there to eat it, is it still a steak?

Where's the dalai lama when you need him?

We have a Winner! well sort of..

Well, I'm kind of pleased to announce that the winner has been picked for our search for the "Official Hardcore Effect Worst Album In The World Award".

The winning album, won by a surprising margin, and was described by Mark S. from Leicester as "Irredeemably Shit" in his nomination e-mail.

So without further ado, the winner is...

"We Didn't Say That" by Daphne & Celeste

Karen "Daphne" DiConcetto (now 27) & Celeste Cruz (now 24) are unreachable through their former record label, which has been dissolved. However, Celeste is to be found on Myspace and works in fashion retail, while Karen recently starred in a film featured at the Cannes film festival.
DiConcetto also received positive reviews for her portrayal of "CB's Sister" in the FringeNYC award-winning "Dog Sees God". That production was adapted for an off-broadway debut featuring a number of big-name celebrities.

In 2004, Celeste also took the role of "Maria" in the movie Brooklyn Bound. Although not a main character, she is involved in a pivotal scene which fuels the tragedy of the denouement.

They are currently planning a new album and comeback tour it is alleged. However, we shall endeavour to get their award to them, and where possible attempt to get a statement/apology.

Underhand Tactics

It would seem, as I write, Ravi's German army are showing themselves to be quite poor losers.

Police reports are flooding in of several pipe shaped explosive devices full of Currywurst being detonated in and around the tournament's stadiums. A Swede described one such explosion as "Loud, Hot, but delicious". Another of my Scandinavian brethren was seen having to hack off her beautiful Nordic blonde locks until she adopted what could only be described as an "accidental mullet". Many such accidental mulletings have occurred in recent moments due to large amounts of curry sauce penetrating the lovely blues eyes of the Sweden fans, resulting in catastrophic scissor mishandling while attempting to cut pieces of congealed sausage meat from their manes. The German government has denied supporting these attacks and has stepped forward with relief aid of 12,000 Red, Yellow and Black shellsuits [circa 1990] to replace the stylish but curry damaged garments of the Scandinavians.

In response, during a pre match press conference, Sweden Coach Lars Lagerback leapt from his chair to attack German Manager, Jonny Lovespuds. Lovespuds reacted by breaking no less than 14 bottles of Erdinger, spiked with sulphuric acid, over the Swede's bonce while screaming that Sweden played "Inefficent Football, with inefficent haircuts" and incinuated that Mr. Lagerback's mother was of "Questionable moral standing in her community". Lagerback responded almost immeadiatly by smashing Lovespuds in the face with a hastily constructed, but beautifully made flat-pack bar stool, before shrieking loudly and tearing off his victim's testicles. He then proceeded to perform an as yet undisclosed sex act on Mr.Lovespud's limp corpse.

The two were later seen outside the conference shaking hands, and laughing about the incident, which FIFA described as "The usually japery and tom-foolery we see between respected coaches".

Elsewhere, David Hasselhoff has goosed no less than 45,000 visiting Swedes, with similar numbers being invited, unsolicited, to jump in his car.

Small groups of Bavarians have also infiltrated some of the trendiest night-spots in Stockholm, replacing Kopparberg with draught brewed Lowenbrau. Many nightclubs had to close early after finding their CD collections stolen and replaced with "oom-pah" music and a CD entitled "Bavarian Lederhosen dance-off, party-time mania 12" which is well known to be a popular disc among bierebike.de enthusiasts.

All these events have proved to much for underfire Kraut goalkeeper Jens Lehmann, who became suicidal earlier today, he made a frantic phone call to me from his hotel this morning, first asking if Jim could fix it for him to have some hand-eye co-ordination, then to announce his intention to commit suicide by hanging. Despite my kind offer to allow him to "Bring me the rope, and I'll do it because you'll only fuck it up", he attempted it alone without aid, and due to a complete lack of scouting experience tied what detectives could only describe as a "fucking stupid knot" which he had attempted to strengthen with a chewed stick of wrigley's doublemint and some pritt-stick. Upon jumping from his chair, the knot gave way and hapless Jens fell to the floor, which due to some dodgy building works, caused a collapse which saw Jens fall through 4 storys of the hotel and into a Grand Piano.

Dazed and confused Jens jumped into a nearby ice cream van and drove to the country, whereupon he doused himself in Gin and attempted to set himself alight, a cruel twist of fate saw him sneeze at the cruical moment, sending out a gin spray which ignited a passing heron, which flapped into his face, screaming and ablaze, knocking Jens unconcious and burning off his "braus". In a statement, his mother said Jens would be fully recovered for his next match and his behaviour was out of character.

German Chancellor Hans-Fritz-Hans-Jurgen-Hans Von Schnurrbart, whilst denying involvment, was quoted as saying that anything that provided German fans with some "liebensraum" would be looked upon favourably, he stopped short of describing the events as funny, most likely due to his being German and inherent inability to own a sense of humour.

In retaliation, the people of Sweden have wisely elected me as their Overlord. My defence minister, Bjorn out of ABBA, has decided to use our latest flat-pack bomber to drop large clusters of multicoloured lego bricks on the German fans. The men, being German, will be compelled to spend hours arranging the crazy bricks into matching colours, indexed by size and sub-catagorised by weight and mass. While their oppressed housefraus, kept barefoot, chubby and pregnant due to the German men's love of WWII propaganda, will be left immobile by stepping on thousands of unnecessairly pointy lego bricks with their naked feet.

Please enjoy below, the new Swedish national anthem, set to a video of everything good [well almost everything good] about Sweden, that I have lovingly crafted for you.

German Tactical Nouse.

The problem with the whole tactical defeat argument is.. the Germans aren't exactly world class tacticians, are they?

The whole thing is entirely unbelievable. Some could say it was seriously misguided to play a yoghurt as your first choice goalkeeper.

Some just might say that Adolf H. never played Risk as a child, and probably wasn't the best geography student. Any country who follows the leadership of a failed foriegn artist and bullet magnet is hardly playing the long game.

Then we come to his choice of associates, Herman Goering. Herman was a drug crazed transvestite, hardly a master of tactical thinking.. but at least they could go for dance on a Friday night.

Then there is Herman Munster, a man of German descent if ever there was one. A big chap with an odd complexion, would make an ideal central defender, but do they play him? Of course not.

For a country awash with beer and curried sausage, you'd think they'd spend a little more time in contemplation.
"Maybe two fronts is a bit much"
"Maybe having a mullet does make me look stupid"

There'd be revelations a-plenty I assure you.

I shall see you all later today,where I really get going.

The exclusive Professor Lars interview

While Schweinsteiger goes off the sit in the naughty corner and Jens Lehmann goes on a minor killing spree, life goes on for ordinary Germans. I met up with one of them, reformed footy hooligan turned-language scholar Professor Lars Hinricheiser. Here's what the dude had to say:

Lars- welcome to the Hardcore Effect. Where will you be watching Germany's matches this Euro 2008?

I depend on the kindness of strangers and attend match viewings in their homes. I refer you to my Facebook album called "Germans watching soccer" for details.

English fans will no doubt want to know: which German player has the fittest wife?

I would have to say Schweini [Bastian Schweinsteiger]. Sara is, after all, a model, and obviously smart as well: she likes silver hair.

On to cultural matters. Currywurst. Your thoughts please

Just when I read that, I realized I needed one, as my heart rate was getting dangerously fast from all the foreign coffee I have been intravenously injecting all morning. Excuse me for a minute!

What is the most bratwurst you've ever eaten in a single day?

Percentage of total food intake, or raw amount? The first one is easy: 100%. The amount, however, blurs in memory with all the Currywurst on adjacent days. Sorry, can't help you with that one

Who is your favourite German musician and why?

David Hasselhoff. Why do you ask why?

Of course- I didn't even need to ask really. Anyway, explain the popularity of the mullet hairstyle among your compatriots.

You guys - "Inselaffen", as we affectionately call you - tend to mostly notice those of us who are loudest. And they happen to be the ones among whom mullet incidence is highest. But really, it is exclusively an affliction of the working classes, which we hope to fix soon in consultation with your Queen.

Picture the scene: you book a holiday to Tenerife but there's a mistake and you end up in the small industrial town of Delmenhorst, famous for linoleum production. What would you do to amuse yourself?

Take up lino cutting, and carve views of the coast in Bournemouth.

Professor Lars. Danke schön for your time. And good luck for your Bavarian brass brand's upcoming US tour.

Actually we're really more of a neo-classical AustroGerman fusion ensemble incorporating heavy woodwind. Kind of in the mold of Flüghafen Krum but in many ways more post-modernist. Some have compared us with the work of Willy Schlagenhoffer but that really gets my goat. It's like people are only hearing what they want to hear you know? You've got to see the box as well as what's inside. Sometimes I write the music, and indeed sometimes the music writes me, it's like setting dreams in motion and reaching the true apogee of human creativity.

Errr...right.

Tactical defeat #1

Germany vs. Croatia. Clash of the titans. Effiency vs. Checked shirted cheekiness.

You would have mistaken the Paris Oz Bar for a Munich Alehouse, as the red, black and yellow mass was positively blinding. I saw a couple of guys in red and white checks, but they turned out to be tablecloths. Kiwi staff struggled to cope with providing continuous supplies of Becks, sauerkraut and bratwurst to a throng of mulleted punters...

Anyway, let's get started on the EXCUSES for this 1-2 reverse.

- Germany have altruistically accepted the title of "the new England"- therefore losing to Croatia is paramount, as is going two goals down and getting your best player sent off. If there had been a penalty shoot-out, they would have lost it out of respect for us, because as my previous articles have proved we are practically the same country.

-Jens Lehmann is a MASSIVE fan of Jeremy Beadle. Letting in the 2nd goal in the most butterfingered, farcical way possible was a fitting tribute to the late, great entertainer.

- A new law of football appeared to have been invented: the "book Schweinsteiger every time a Croat kicks him" law. Thus our peroxide-haired friend's stay on the pitch was woefully short lived and his inevitable backheel nutmeg-hat-trick was prevented. As Bernard Manning might have said; "What a fookin disgrace".

-Notice how sluggish Germany were in the second half? That's what happens when the opposition spike your half-time Lucozade with viagra....

- German food is clearly too good. So focussed were Ballack and co on their next currywurst and erdinger in a phallic glass that they could hardly concentrate on the game...

But let's look at the positives:

- No one is scared of Germany any more, as they're all too busy laughing at us. However, their schadenfreude will backfire when we trounce Portugal 7-0 in the next round and Ronaldo suffers a broken leg and is sent off for over-acting. Real Madrid will admit they did quite like fascist Franco after all, and Alex Ferguson will panic and sell him to Rushden & Diamonds for 5 pesos.

-My new German friends, Tomas and Klemens said my German was pretty decent. Whereas Ben's Swedish so far consists of Ikea, Lego and Smorgasbord. Where's your imperfect subjunctive dickhead?

To summarise, the die is cast, and the coast is clear for the Germans to sneak into the final through the back door. Vienna here we come....The real winner tonight was football itself- no one got hurt, but both teams had some fun and everyone got a touch of the ball. The dream is still alive.

Prove me wrong Sweden, prove me wrong...

Upping the ante...

Right so Ben's changing his name to something Swedish. Fair play...
I said I would change my name permanently to something German if my Facebook supporters group ends up bigger than his...Currently mine has 21 members while his has about 4- and 3 of those have the same name...

As far as I know, the three most official ways of legally changing your name are:
3. Lying to people (not very official)
2. Deed poll
1. Facebook- say hello to Jurgen von Schweiningergrübe everyone!

Croatia match tonight, can't wait....stay tuned for a full report as I dissect the action and attempt to "fake it" as a German. Glory or insanity awaits..................

Swedish football, British Thinking

The very simple reason this argument is drawing out so long, is because both these nations have got themselves something which they wouldn't normally have to call upon.
British support, and this means British thinking. As demonstrated below because I can't update properly until I get home from work. enjoy