Confessions of Matty the Barman

I caught up with Matty MacLaurin, barman and gimp at Paris watering hole The Thistle for his thoughts on boybands, beards and dangerwanking…

Matty. First things first- what made you swap Glasgow for Paris?

It’s quite simple really and it all comes down to a night out in Scotland a few years ago. I got to a club late and the bouncer could just have refused me entry. In the end, he let me in, I ended up pulling a French girl and that was that…

So you prefer French women to Scottish women?

No, I prefer Scots. French girls are way too much work. And hairier.

Is it true that you’re the tallest barman in Paris? [Matty is 6’ 5”]

Even better than that- I’m the tallest bar manager in Paris.

I thought you were assistant manager?

Yeah yeah, but that wouldn’t sound as impressive would it? Fuck sake.

Anyway, have you ever had a dangerwank? If not would you ever consider it?

What’s one of those? [After brief explanation] Oh, no I haven’t. I will consider it though. Probably not in the bar mind.

On a similar note, how many illegitimate children do you actually have?

None that I know of. But if a 6-foot curly haired alcoholic comes into the bar in ten years I’ll know why.

Picture the scene, there’s a fire in the bar. Which barmaid do you save?

They can take care of themselves. I’d save the whisky.

How’s my Scottish accent? Any good?

I’ve heard a lot worse. It’s enough to make you an honorary Scotsman I reckon.

Are you sad that Scotland haven’t qualified for Euro 2008?

I’m more sad about England to be honest. I enjoy watching them lose after they say they’re definitely going to win.

Favourite boyband?

The Proclaimers, plus a bit of New Kids on the Block

What are you hiding behind the beard?

My fat chin. That’s why anyone grows a beard.

Last question. This one of Tom's. Would you rather have a bird in hand, or two in a bush?
I'd rather have two in hand to be honest. But why do you blame all the dirtier questions on Tom?!

I suppose I’ve got let you plug your bar now.

Yeah, come to The Thistle for Cheap Beer, Cheap Thrills and Cheap Laughs.

Right, can I have a photo?

Photo? Shit, let my fix my hair [disappears to the toilet for ten minutes]

Check out The Thistle at http://www.the-thistle.com/