Krauting it up to the max

Guten abend everyone,

Firstly, well done to my German lads for a great performance against Poland- they really have form against those guys wouldn't you say? Old Miroslav came Klose a couple of times but in the end it was Podolski who grabbed the plaudits with a cheeky double. Bring on Croatia I say, with their silly checked shirts and feeble badger-filled sausages...

Benji has indeed been pulling out the stops Swedely speaking but watch how his bragging falls flat like a limp herring when I tell you how I've been serving the German fatherland.

I shall undertake the following lifestyle changes, effective immediately.
- From now on, all meals including breakfast and afternoon tea will consist of this:

Benji takes the top slice off a cress sandwich and calls it smorgasbord, but I go that extra mile- regardless of the consequences for my arteries...

-As I'm always having to stand up on the metro, bus etc I plan to embrace the German stereotype by placing a beach towel, a tube of Ambre Solaire and a pair of sunglasses on every seat in the whole of Paris, including park benches and bar stools.

-My street is too French-sounding, I plan to rename it. If more people join my German supporters group than Benji's swedish group I will not only change my name permanently to something Germanic but I will neck a pint of sauerkraut as well and post the resultant video on youtube.

-ABBA tributes bands have been done to death- I plan a German-inspired lounge jazz ensemble offering querky takes on classics by such groups as Rammstein, Sportfreunder Stiller, Rosenstolz, as well as German versions of popular indie classics. Look out for "Ich habe jetz die selben jeans fur vier tagen getragen"- coming at you very soon.

-I have Audi, Erdinger and Lufthansa hammering on the door with sponsorship deals. Hapag Lloyd want to name a cruise ship after me and Adidas want to give me Michael Ballack, but I'm beating them off with a pointy stick because I've got something much better in the pipeline...

On Thursday I shall attempt to pass myself off as a German and watch the match with a group of Germans. Will I succeed or will I be sent outside with the other brits? Will Coventry City enter Euro 2008 through some bizarre loophole and dick on everyone? Watch this space....