The Phil Tufnell Scotch Egg Saga

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm sure the guy who invented that proverb was referring to some iconic British food that he missed so dearly following his transportation to Australia for stealing a dishcloth. I'm starting to see what he's talking about- you walk into a Paris bakery and ask for a steak and bean melt and they give you a limp quiche. It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy.




So imagine my horror today when I turned onto 5 live to check the cricket score. Phil Tufnell (former not-very-good England cricketer and professional duffer) commentating in his usual ageing-Essex-boy way, tempted me repeatedly with -

"Those pork pies were lovely. Can we get some more brought up?"

"I'm quite partial to Scotch eggs, especially the mini ones."

Tuffers you dick! He was really rubbing my nose in it. I sent a polite but angry message to the BBC, not knowing it would start a global pork pie movement. See below.

"I really wish Phil Tufnell would stop talking about pork pies. I live in France and I haven't had a pork pie or scotch egg since Christmas. The Cornish Pasty quotient is also very low. This is becoming a problem. Please make the dickhead shut up"

Ravi, eating foul steak tartare in Paris, in the TMS inbox

This mail was published on the cricket commentary page. What followed was a veritable cascade of comments. Check it out:

"Despite living in Egypt we can get pork pies and scotch eggs thanks to an English pork butcher... agree that pasties are thin on the ground though" - Jane, Sharm El Sheikh

"Ravi, I live in Oman. Yesterday, I had a cornish pasty, mushy peas, onion gravy and pickled red cabbage. It was wonderful. I understand your problem" - Ian Rostron, Oman

This was really rubbing it in. Who on earth exports mushy peas to Oman?! But it wasn't over.

"Pour Ravi in Paris, I'm the only English butcher in France (near Magny-Cours). I make English sausage, bacon, pork pies and am a Cornishman so guess what we had pasties for lunch, come on England et je suis desolé Ravi bon fin journé" - Simon Lentern, Le Veurdre

Even Tuffers himself offered some moral guidance:

This is where you need a cool head - you mustn't panic" Phil Tufnell on TMS

That's easy for you to say Phil, you arsehole. The comments continued:

"We get Pork Pies here in Bermuda, albeit shipped in and indeed jolly expensive, but worth it. Scotch eggs a little harder to come by"Peter Coleman in the TMS inbox

"When I return to the UK, the first meal my mum makes for me is a salad with pork pie, scotch egg and sausage rolls! She once collected me from the airport and bought the food in a cooler so I could munch happily in the back of the car on the way home. Does anyone know where to get this glorious food in The States?"Steve, Groton CT, USA, in the TMS inbox

Someone had even been swotting up on Wikipedia

"In the United States, many so-called "English-style" pubs and eateries serve fresh-made scotch eggs. These are usually served hot, with dipping sauces such as ranch dressing, hot sauce, or hot mustard sauce. At the Minnesota State Fair, true to fair tradition, scotch eggs are served on a stick"INTERNET LINK: Scotch Eggs on Wikipedia

"Pork pies are certainly not available here in Istanbul but other pork goods are. The only problem being that the mother-in-law will not let them anywhere near the house, let alone the frying pan. So close yet so far away. Agonising. Bit like watching England really" Orson, Istanbul, in the TMS inbox

What an amazing response. If you think I made it up check out http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/cricket/england/7475337.stm and see the full exchange.

Does anyone else have any Scotch egg stories? If not maybe you can help me- in just over a month I'll be home and I'm looking into a way of inserting a scotch egg into a pork pie so as to enjoy them simultaneously...

It's the trickiest experiment since Dolly the Sheep! Will probably taste better though...