The time has come to discuss “that match”. I did see the Sweden game yesterday, from the comfort of a teepee surrounded by druids. My tantric state was broken by Scandinavian incompetence. Not for the first time, Olaf Mellberg’s beard prevented me from achieving enlightenment…dirty Villa scum.
For me, this match was pure psychological warfare by those Spanish lads. Play really well and score, then concede just to give those blonde boys hope. Spend the entire second half bombarding the Swedish goal until Kim Kallstrom’s legs are all red and sore from getting hit by the ball. Finally score the winner while Kim’s off the pitch applying ointment.
Rumour has it that Lars Lagerback is already back working in his carpet showroom in Malmo, preferring the reassuring hum of Axminster to the fetid stench of failure. A clearly stoned Freddie Ljungberg faced the press after the match, only offering feeble statements about the rules of football
“they won because they scored more goals than us”
“in football you have to keep the ball”
“a match has never been won by a team who scored fewer goals than the opposition”
Sweden’s most popular football forum, Sverigherringfurm was full of equally ridiculous excuses;
“I thought goals scored after 90 minutes didn’t count”
“Like our sandwiches, our midfield was incomplete”
“Henrik Larsson was without his lucky felt codpiece you know, so we were doomed from the start”.
Crappy Viking excuses aside, this result means that Sweden and Germany are level on points and goal difference having accrued identical results so far. The real tournament starts here everyone, and like in cricket there’s no such thing as a draw.
Jonny Lovespuds and his merry band of ubermensch face neighbours Austria tomorrow in a bitter grudge match. Bavarian tubas versus alpenhorns, sauerkraut versus schnitzel, muesli versus slightly better muesli. Mozart’s men will put up a brave fight but Der Mannschaft will win through to face the greased wrath of Ronaldo in the next round…bring it on! Reports suggest that the Germans are ordering in extra brylcreem to nullify this threat.
The Swedes meanwhile, must face the mighty Russians, a team who thrive on artificial pitches. With this in mind, the Russian team have used their mafia connections to have the Innsbruck turf replaced with blancmange. Who will emerge victorious from this squidgy but delicious arena? Who will win the honour of losing 12-0 to the new speed-enhanced Dutch?
For me, this match was pure psychological warfare by those Spanish lads. Play really well and score, then concede just to give those blonde boys hope. Spend the entire second half bombarding the Swedish goal until Kim Kallstrom’s legs are all red and sore from getting hit by the ball. Finally score the winner while Kim’s off the pitch applying ointment.
Rumour has it that Lars Lagerback is already back working in his carpet showroom in Malmo, preferring the reassuring hum of Axminster to the fetid stench of failure. A clearly stoned Freddie Ljungberg faced the press after the match, only offering feeble statements about the rules of football
“they won because they scored more goals than us”
“in football you have to keep the ball”
“a match has never been won by a team who scored fewer goals than the opposition”
Sweden’s most popular football forum, Sverigherringfurm was full of equally ridiculous excuses;
“I thought goals scored after 90 minutes didn’t count”
“Like our sandwiches, our midfield was incomplete”
“Henrik Larsson was without his lucky felt codpiece you know, so we were doomed from the start”.
Crappy Viking excuses aside, this result means that Sweden and Germany are level on points and goal difference having accrued identical results so far. The real tournament starts here everyone, and like in cricket there’s no such thing as a draw.
Jonny Lovespuds and his merry band of ubermensch face neighbours Austria tomorrow in a bitter grudge match. Bavarian tubas versus alpenhorns, sauerkraut versus schnitzel, muesli versus slightly better muesli. Mozart’s men will put up a brave fight but Der Mannschaft will win through to face the greased wrath of Ronaldo in the next round…bring it on! Reports suggest that the Germans are ordering in extra brylcreem to nullify this threat.
The Swedes meanwhile, must face the mighty Russians, a team who thrive on artificial pitches. With this in mind, the Russian team have used their mafia connections to have the Innsbruck turf replaced with blancmange. Who will emerge victorious from this squidgy but delicious arena? Who will win the honour of losing 12-0 to the new speed-enhanced Dutch?
Stay with the Hardcore Effect to find out. THE only place to get coverage, results and analysis in the entire world (it’s true I’ve checked. I put “Euro 2008” into Google and all I got was Danish porn)
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2 comments:
Love it Ravman. It's as if Bill Bryson decided to cover Euro 2008, but better.
hello dave. I suppose you'll be supporting spain in this shindig? however, there's a rumour going round that u look like jens lehmann so maybe I can persuade you to switch allegiance...?
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