Spare some change??

Beggars, tramps, hobos, call them what you will- it's very hard to walk around a big city without one trying to attract your attention. But do they really need to exist?

I know a few beggars and they use a variety of interesting ploys to try and get money off you. On the road where I work there's a beardy guy who's completely absorbed in his work. He swats imaginary flies, falls asleep on car bonnets and staggers aimlessly in front of motorbikes. I think he's entered a state beyond death whereby any oncoming traffic would simply pass through him. His life is an endless tableau so he earns his living thus. Maybe he's a Hollywood actor who tried living on the street to research a film role and never came out. Perhaps that's what all beggars are. All I know is that every couple of months some churchy types (or aliens) must kidnap him, shave him, put him in new clothes and dump him back on the street...as far as the state's concerned, you can stay homeless as long as you put on a clean anorak every 8 weeks...

Another guy I know sits on a soapbox literally all day, agressively caressing a chiuahua, like aladdin rubbing a furry lamp. A useful prop for the sympathy vote, but that must get really dull. How do beggars entertain themselves when they just sit in the same place all day?! I envisage that they make up stories about passers by. I often wonder when I walk past him- what part do I play in his mental soap opera? Maybe I'm a gay waiter called Giulio or Abdul, the lovable but gobby window cleaner. I must remember to ask him next time our paths cross.

Some beggars have a line. A killer comment to prise your pennies from your pockets. I remember a bloke in Manchester who used to say "Will you put a smile on an old man's face this Christmas?". Two things wrong with that statement- firstly he was only about 36 and secondly it was only Christmas about 10% of the time. Another woman on the London underground used to tell passers by she needed only 1 more pound to get into a hostel...and then proceed to do the same to 48 other people. Once some lady knocked on my door saying she needed money "to urgently get a train to Sandwell & Dudley" even though my house was about 2 miles from the nearest station. I was so impressed I gave her a tenner...

I wondered how you'd go about solving the beggar problem. You could do an ad campaign to encourage beggars to stand up and venture into the big wide world, but how would you transmit the message? TV and radio would be useless so I would propose a fleet of carrier pigeons carrying banners across the sky. Stuff like the Homeless World Cup is a good idea too, but do they have a team hotel or do they just stick them in an alleyway?

Have you ever been harassed by a beggar? How would you help these unfortunate fellows out? Which animal prop wins the most sympathy (I reckon an injured dormouse). Let me know!!