Tactical defeat #1

Germany vs. Croatia. Clash of the titans. Effiency vs. Checked shirted cheekiness.

You would have mistaken the Paris Oz Bar for a Munich Alehouse, as the red, black and yellow mass was positively blinding. I saw a couple of guys in red and white checks, but they turned out to be tablecloths. Kiwi staff struggled to cope with providing continuous supplies of Becks, sauerkraut and bratwurst to a throng of mulleted punters...

Anyway, let's get started on the EXCUSES for this 1-2 reverse.

- Germany have altruistically accepted the title of "the new England"- therefore losing to Croatia is paramount, as is going two goals down and getting your best player sent off. If there had been a penalty shoot-out, they would have lost it out of respect for us, because as my previous articles have proved we are practically the same country.

-Jens Lehmann is a MASSIVE fan of Jeremy Beadle. Letting in the 2nd goal in the most butterfingered, farcical way possible was a fitting tribute to the late, great entertainer.

- A new law of football appeared to have been invented: the "book Schweinsteiger every time a Croat kicks him" law. Thus our peroxide-haired friend's stay on the pitch was woefully short lived and his inevitable backheel nutmeg-hat-trick was prevented. As Bernard Manning might have said; "What a fookin disgrace".

-Notice how sluggish Germany were in the second half? That's what happens when the opposition spike your half-time Lucozade with viagra....

- German food is clearly too good. So focussed were Ballack and co on their next currywurst and erdinger in a phallic glass that they could hardly concentrate on the game...

But let's look at the positives:

- No one is scared of Germany any more, as they're all too busy laughing at us. However, their schadenfreude will backfire when we trounce Portugal 7-0 in the next round and Ronaldo suffers a broken leg and is sent off for over-acting. Real Madrid will admit they did quite like fascist Franco after all, and Alex Ferguson will panic and sell him to Rushden & Diamonds for 5 pesos.

-My new German friends, Tomas and Klemens said my German was pretty decent. Whereas Ben's Swedish so far consists of Ikea, Lego and Smorgasbord. Where's your imperfect subjunctive dickhead?

To summarise, the die is cast, and the coast is clear for the Germans to sneak into the final through the back door. Vienna here we come....The real winner tonight was football itself- no one got hurt, but both teams had some fun and everyone got a touch of the ball. The dream is still alive.

Prove me wrong Sweden, prove me wrong...